Chapter Thirty-Three
When I see Edward walk out of the theatre it's the worst feeling in the world. I try to run after him but I feel Victoria's talons dig into my arm, holding me back. When the applause finally dies down and we're all free to move I shake her off of me and walk quickly from the theatre, trying to smile and be polite to the few people who congratulate me.
When I reach the lobby I see he's gone. I notice a security guard standing to one side of the room and walk over.
"Excuse me, have you seen a man come this way? Reddish hair? Tall? Green eyes?" I ask.
"Yes ma'am, he left about ten minutes ago" He replies.
"Left?" I whisper.
"Yes. He left through the side exit" He replies.
I feel my heart sink. He left. Actually left.
I turn around, feeling my heart begin to beat faster and my breathing becomes labored.
He's gone. Left. Where would he go? For a walk? No. He doesn't know the city and it's late. My place? Yeah, he'd go to my place. His stuff is there anyway.
I thank the guard before searching the crowd pouring out of the movie theatre for Jacob. I can't see him.
Fuck. Where would he go? There isn't a bar he can sit in? He said he'd be out here.
I begin to panic more when I suddenly see a door open at the very back of the room and see Jacob exiting a bathroom. I breathe a small sigh of relief before moving towards him.
As I try to make my way over to him, I'm stopped by numerous guests congratulating me on the film and my performance. I try to thank them, smiling and laughing appropriately but all I can think is that I need to leave. Right now.
When I eventually reach Jacob, I grasp his arm, turning him to face me.
"Edward's gone," I tell him quietly.
"Where?" He asks, his eyes worried.
"I don't know. Maybe back to my place? I want to go" I tell him.
He nods before placing a phone to his ear and calling Caius. As I stand there I see Victoria walking towards me.
"What's wrong?" She asks.
"My boyfriend left, I need to go," I tell her, hearing my voice begin to wobble.
"You can't." She says.
"Yes, I can," I reply forcefully.
She stares at me for a moment before huffing like this is really inconvenient for her.
"I'll tell the press you weren't feeling well," She says.
I don't give a fuck what she says, I'm leaving right now.
"Where is the car?" I ask Jacob quietly.
"Caius says he's stuck behind a security barrier. He's working on it." He replies.
I nod, tapping my foot impatiently. Time seems to pass painfully slowly before Jacob eventually whispers in my ear.
"The car is here," He says.
I nod before we make our way over to the side door and step out, sliding into the waiting car. Jacob climbs into the passenger seat before we speed off into the night.
As we drive, my heart hammers and I try to call Edward's cell. It rings twice but he doesn't answer. In the end, I give up, wringing my hands anxiously.
This is all James's fault. Why did he have to kiss my fucking arm? It was so...wrong.
Why didn't I stop it? I should have stopped it. I should have insisted we sit together. I should have been a fucking grown-up.
A few minutes later we're pulling into my driveway and I see the hallway light on and breathe a sigh of relief. He's here.
Jacob opens my door and I slide out, thanking him and telling him that I won't need anything else for the rest of the night. As they disappear I run over to the door throwing it open and making my way into the house.
"Edward?!" I call out.
I rush through the house, but there's nothing. He's not in the living room or the kitchen or the bedroom or the bathroom. I even check the backyard despite the cold weather.
He's not here. But the light was on. So he was here. Did he go for a walk after all?
I begin to feel my breathing pick up again and tears prick my eyes as I walk back through the house. It's not until I reach the kitchen that I see a piece of paper propped up against the vase of flowers on the island. I grab it, seeing Edward's handwriting before I begin to read.
When I reach Bella's house I pay the driver and let myself in. Inside the building, I'm struck by the silence, the only sound my elevated breathing.
I lean my back against the door and let out a slow breath, feeling the bile and nausea swim in my stomach. When I feel able, I move away from the door and scrub a hand over my face.
The drive here gave me time to think and all that extra time only confirmed one thing.
I can't do this. I can't share her. I can't always come second and hide in the shadows as she pretends to have some on/off-screen romance with whichever leading man she's working with at the time. I want all of her.
At the same time, I can't do what I did all those years ago. I can't ask her to give everything up for me - her dreams, her hopes, her ambitions. It's not fair and that's not what love is. I understand that now.
As I stand in the hallway, I look over at my suitcase. I never did unpack it. Some would say that was a coincidence while others would say it was my subconscious telling me to not get too comfortable.
I momentarily wonder if Bella has noticed I've left yet or if she's too taken up with the movie and guests and praise. Then I wonder if she has noticed if she'll come after me.
I can't be here to find out. If I am, I know I'll ask her to choose me and that's not fair.
I swallow hard before making my way through the house and into the kitchen. I see a pad of paper on the counter and grab it, finding a pen in one of the drawers before sitting at the island. I take a deep breath before writing slowly.
Bella,
I'm sorry I left the premiere, it was cowardly and unfair to you but the truth is it was too hard to see you with him, to see you with all of them. You were phenomenal and I hope you achieve everything you deserve for your work, but seeing you in that world has only confirmed one thing for me.
I can't do this. I can't share you with everyone else. I can't sit in the shadows and continually convince myself that the rumors and casual touches are just make-believe. It's too hard and it hurts too much.
Many years ago, you told me that this was your dream and I asked you to give it up for me. I'm not doing that this time.
I hope you achieve everything you've imagined. I hope the world realizes what an incredible talent you are, even more so than they have right now. I hope you have a long and illustrious career and I hope you enjoy every second of it.
You are a star. You always were.
I love you.
Edward
When I've finished the note I let out a shaky breath, folding it in half and writing her name on the front before propping it up against a vase where she'll see it. When I'm done, I stand from the stool and flick off the light, walking back into the hallway.
I grab my suitcase and open the front door, giving myself a moment to look back once more at the house that only this afternoon seemed so full of promise and excitement. I swallow hard before closing the door behind me and making my way up the driveway and out of the gate.
I walk the short distance to the end of the road before sticking my hand out and hailing a cab. As one pulls to a stop, I slide into the backseat.
"Where to?" The driver asks.
"Is there a hotel nearby?" I ask.
"There are hundreds of hotels nearby" He replies.
"Take me to a budget one" I tell him.
He shrugs before pulling away from the curb and towards the twinkling lights of the city. As we drive, I see a blacked-out car pass us and briefly imagine it's Bella running after me.
I lean my head back against the headrest and close my eyes, realizing the magnitude of what's happened, what I've chosen, and what I've given up. Only then do I feel the first tear slide down my cheek.
I stand in the kitchen for a long time, reading the letter over and over again.
He's gone. He's ended it. It's over.
Eventually, I move to the living room, reading the letter again.
He loves me.
He loved me.
It's only sometime later that I realize tears are streaming down my face. It's only then that I hear a hoarse cry leave my mouth and I crumble onto the floor.
What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
I grab my phone with shaking hands and try to call Edward. It rings and rings and rings but he doesn't answer. I try again and again and again before eventually, I manage to text Alice and Rose, telling them to come over. When they eventually arrive, they find me surrounded by tulle and crying on the living room floor.
"Oh my god" Rose murmurs when she sees me.
"What happened?" Alice asks, kneeling in front of me, "Where's Edward?"
"He's gone" I sob.
Rose and Alice exchange a look before sitting down next to me.
"Do you want to tell us what happened?" Alice asks gently.
I wordlessly hand them the letter watching as they both read it before looking down at me sadly.
"It must be hard for him" Rose admits.
"What happened though? He was fine when he left with you earlier" Alice points out.
"We.-we weren't allowed to sit together and then-then he watched the kiss scene in the movie and then...then James kissed my arm in the movie theatre" I admit, my face crumpling again.
"You weren't allowed to sit together?" Alice asks with a frown.
"Victoria said it was for the best" I whisper.
"Fuck Victoria! You should fucking fire her!" Alice replies.
She's right. I should.
"He kissed your arm?" Rose asks, looking a little disgusted.
"Yeah. It was stupid and meant nothing but..." I shrug.
I start to cry again and Alice wraps her arms around me.
"Come on, let's get you up, and then we can talk" She whispers.
I nod, letting them heave me to my feet before they lead me into my bedroom. I let them treat me like a child, undoing my dress before helping me step out of it and into my pajamas.
I head into the bathroom and wash off my makeup, looking at my tear-stained face in the mirror. I glance at the shower behind me, remembering how Edward and I showered there together just a few hours ago.
I feel my throat fill with tears again before walking out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. I find Alice and Rose sitting at the island, talking quietly between themselves, with three glasses of wine poured.
"Better?" Rose asks.
"Yeah" I admit.
I slide into the seat next to them and take the glass of wine, taking a long sip. We're all quiet for a minute, lost in our thoughts.
"He said he loved me" I whisper.
"Yeah" Alice nods as I start to cry again.
Rose wraps her arms around me, holding me tightly.
"Do you love him?" She asks in my ear.
I nod into her shoulder before she pulls away.
"I don't even know where he's gone" I cry.
"I know honey," Rose says.
"I've tried to call him hundreds of times but he won't answer" I continue.
"He might just need some time to cool down. He's obviously upset too" Alice says gently.
I sniff a little as I sip my wine.
"Tomorrow might be different," Rose says.
I nod a little.
She's right. Tomorrow might be different. But right now, it doesn't feel like it.
When morning comes I groan slightly, my eyes feeling sore and sticky. I'm on some crappy hotel bed, still dressed in my tux, a collection of mini-bar bottles surrounding me. I groan again, heaving myself onto my side and grabbing my phone, checking the time.
5:30am.
I force myself to sit up, scrubbing the heels of my hands over my eyes.
I awkwardly get to my feet, staggering into the bathroom and taking care of business. As I wash my hands I look at my reflection. I look like a mess. My hair is wild, my face tear-stained and blotchy, my clothes rumpled.
I sigh a little, thinking back to last night and how I'd arrived at this shitty hotel before drinking the contents of the mini-bar dry as I cried into the rough pillow. It's one of my more pathetic moments.
I make my way back into the bedroom, grabbing my phone.
I'm not due to fly out until tomorrow but I can't stay here in this fucking city without Bella. I meant what I said last night. I can't do this anymore. I can't share her and come second. I want all of her, but I can't be here and it's not fair to ask her to come back to Forks with me.
I tap away on my phone, managing to find a last-minute flight to Seattle later this morning. In order to make it to the airport on time I need to leave in about an hour.
I quickly strip out of my tux and walk back into the bathroom, turning on the shower and waiting for the water to heat up. I step under the hot spray washing my hair and body, trying to wash away the smell of tears and heartbreak with the shitty hotel-provided toiletries.
When I'm done I step out, drying off with a rough towel before grabbing some clean clothes from my bag and throwing them on. I shove my tux into the bag deciding I'll get it dry-cleaned and pressed before returning it on Monday.
When I'm done I grab my stuff and head out of the room, making my way down to the front desk.
"Checking out?" The chipper woman asks.
"Yes" I reply, my voice hoarse from crying last night and the alcohol I've consumed.
"Anything from the mini-bar?" She asks me.
"Yeah, everything" I reply.
She looks at me for a long minute before nodding and ringing up my bill. I pay for the room and the drink I consumed before heading out into the early morning sunshine. I hail a cab and ask to be taken to the airport.
During the drive, I look out at the ocean and palm trees, wondering where Bella is right now. I hope in time she'll see why I've done what I've done.
Thirty minutes later we're pulling up outside of the airport and I step out of the car, paying the driver before heading inside. I check-in for my flight before making my way through security.
Due to the last-minute ticket, I don't have to wait long before my flight is called. I slowly walk onto the plane, following the queue in front of me before I find my seat in cattle class, right at the back by the bathrooms.
As I sit in the small seat, another large man squeezed in next to me I look out at the city and think what a difference a day makes. Yesterday, I arrived in sunny Los Angeles in first class with a beautiful girlfriend waiting for me. Today, I'm leaving a fucking mess with a hole in my chest.
I wake up later than I expect with the sun flooding through the window. I'm in bed alone but I can hear Alice and Rose in the kitchen, talking and from the smell of it, making coffee.
As I lie there I feel a few stray tears run out of my eyes, the previous night hitting me again. I swallow them down before I heave myself up and out of bed, following my nose and finding them both leaning against the counter talking quietly.
"Morning" Alice smiles when she sees me.
"Morning" I reply. "What time is it?"
"Just coming up to ten" Rose replies.
"Fuck, I slept late" I reply.
"I think you needed it" Alice replies softly.
I nod a little before grabbing my phone and checking my messages. Nothing.
"I'm going to call him." I tell them.
They both nod slightly, pouring me a mug of coffee. I dial his number but it immediately goes through to voicemail. I try again and again and again before giving up.
"It goes to voicemail" I tell them.
"Maybe it's turned off" Rose suggests.
"Or died?" Alice adds.
"Yeah, maybe" I whisper.
"Why not give it a couple of hours and then try again?" Rose says.
I sigh, nodding. There's not much else I can do.
Alice hands me a coffee and I take a small sip, leaning against the island. I can hear them both talking about nothing in particular and I try to reply, engage, but I can't concentrate on anything but where Edward is right now.
Eventually, I tell them I'm going to shower, hoping it will pass some of the time. They nod before I disappear into my bathroom and turn on the water. I step under the scalding spray, letting the hot water relax my muscles before I wash my hair and body.
When I can't kill any more time I step out, dry off and grab some clean clothes. I throw on a pair of jeans and a sweater before brushing my hair and leaving it to air dry.
When I come back into the kitchen I immediately check my phone. Nothing.
After another hour I can't wait any longer and ring again. This time it rings but only a couple of times before going to voicemail.
"He hung up on me" I whisper.
Rose and Alice glance at each other.
"Maybe he's busy" Alice shrugs.
"Yeah, I mean he could be in the bathroom or something" Rose nods.
"Text him. Maybe he'd feel more comfortable" Alice suggests.
I nod before typing out a message.
Where are you? - B
I bite my bottom lip, tapping my foot anxiously before I see his bubbles appear. I feel my heart begin to pound before his message comes through and I feel it sink like a stone.
I caught an early flight. I'm in Seattle - E
"What's wrong?" Alice asks, seeing the look on my face.
"He's gone" I reply, feeling my face crumple again. "He's gone back to Forks."