Opening Montage

Music: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

First shot is Quinn seated on a train. Jim takes the seat next to her and they start talking. Cut to a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding five years later. Then cut to a hospital room a few years later and we see an exhausted Quinn and smiling Jim holding newborn triplets. Cut to present day and we see the now nine-year-old triplets. Teddy is reading a book while Tommy and Timmy fight over the video game controller. Cut to Teddy rolling his eyes disdainfully at his immature brothers. Next, cut to a shot of Jim working on a car while a tripod mounted camera records the whole thing. Next shot is Quinn making a S'mores 'n' Pores video in the kitchen. Next shot is Jim chatting with Jamie, Chuck and Kevin over beer while Brittany and Daryl make out in the background. Next shot is Jamie teaching a history class at Lawndale High. He notices that the current quarterback is making out with his cheerleader girlfriend in class, causing Jamie to have a DeMartino-style meltdown. Next, we see Teddy hanging out on the playground with a girl his age who is visibly of mixed European/East Asian heritage. They watch the 'normal' kids play with visibly disdain, implying that this girl is the Jane to Teddy's Daria. Next, we see Quinn, Jim and the triplets stand on the front lawn and smile at the audience. The following caption appears under them...

Lawndale

S. 2, Ep. 5

"Gall in the Family"

written by

WildDogJJ

Act I

Scene 1

Ext. Shot: A massive entertainment complex in Lawndale, day

The sprawling complex includes a massive arcade, a go-kart track, mini-golf course and water park, but the largest portion is an intricate and heavily forested paintball range. The sign in front of the main building reads "Kara's Wild Family Fun Center". In small print, it also reads "formerly Jim's Paintballing Jungle".

Int. Shot: Main building

The interior of the main building includes a video arcade, a kid-themed banquet hall and a theater with animatronic cartoon animals performing both contemporary and classic pop hits. Cut to the banquet hall and we see Quinn and Jim Carbone (her husband, not the original owner) talking to the fun center's event coordinator, a skinny middle-aged man with receding hair, a bow tie and a smile that was almost cartoonish.

Event planner: "So, Mr. and Mrs. Carbone, will this do?"

Quinn and Jim both smiled and nodded.

Quinn: "It's perfect!"

Jim: "The boys will love it!"

The event planner was glad to hear it.

Event planner: "Glad you like it."

Jim: "I'm glad we booked this place six months ago. Every parent in Lawndale seems to want to give their kids a birthday party here."

Event planner: "We needed to do some extra work. This is the first time we've had three birthday boys instead of just one. How old are your triplets turning, if you don't mind me asking?"

Quinn: "Not at all. Our boys are turning ten. Since it's now been a whole decade, we decided to go all-out this year."

Jim smiles proudly.

Ext. Shot: The parking lot, a short time later

Jim and Quinn are walking to Jim's Camaro.

Jim: "I can't believe our boys are turning ten tomorrow."

Quinn: "I know. It seems like just yesterday I was in the hospital giving birth to them. Remember?"

Jim: "I remember you threatening to castrate me for subjecting you to that torture, and thinking you were dying."

Quinn stifles a giggle.

Quinn: "Well, nothing can prepare you for childbirth, especially when it involves squeezing out three babies one right after the other." Pause. "I still can't believe it's been a whole decade already."

Jim: "Enjoy it. I'm told the second decade of parenthood makes the first seem like a picnic. You know, adolescence and all that."

Quinn: "How my parents made it through that, I'll never know. Having kids like me and Daria probably didn't help."

Jim stifles a chuckle. At this point, they've reached the Camaro. As Quinn enters the passenger side, she suddenly looks thoughtful.

Scene 2

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, evening

Int. Shot: The kitchen

Quinn, Jim, Tommy, Timmy and Teddy were seated at the kitchen table having dinner. Quinn suddenly notices something.

Quinn: (stern tone) "Timmy."

Cut to Timmy. He's trying to give some of his food to the family dog, a greyhound named Stripe.

Timmy: "eep!"

Quinn: "What did I tell you about trying to give your vegetables to the dog!?"

Cut to Teddy rolling his eyes. Once that's done, Quinn gets back on topic.

Quinn: "Anyway, everything's set for tomorrow."

Jim: "How's it feel to be turning ten?"

Tommy: "Awesome! Can I drive your Camaro, Dad?"

Jim and Quinn: "No!"

Tommy: (whiny) "But I'm ten!"

Teddy rolls his eyes again.

Teddy: "Not yet, and it's gonna be another five years before you're even old enough for a learner's permit."

Quinn gets back on topic.

Quinn: "So, did you send out your invitations?"

All three boys nod.

Tommy: "I'm so popular that the whole school's coming...except the geeks and weirdos."

Timmy: "But isn't Rachel White coming?"

Tommy turned toward Quinn.

Tommy: "Mom, we can't let Rachel and Teddy be there. All our friends will hate us for having those two weirdos at our birthday party."

Teddy: "You know, it's my birthday too, and Rachel's my friend."

Timmy: "But, she's weird."

Tommy: "And you're a brainy freak."

Jim: "BOYS!" Pause as he takes a second to calm down. "It's your brother's birthday too. If he wants to invite his friend then you have to let him."

Tommy: "But, Dad..."

Quinn: "You heard your father, young man."

Suddenly, the doorbell rings.

Quinn: "Who could that be?"

She gets up to answer the door while Jim has a look of dread on your face. Cut to Teddy.

Teddy: "You didn't tell Mom, did you?"

Jim: (nervous) "No, but he promised to behave himself this time."

Teddy: "I give it ten minutes before he breaks that promise, five if he's been drinking."

Timmy: "Who?"

Cut to the front door as Quinn opens it. Her face loses all color when she sees who it is.

Tony: "'Bout goddamn time! Not only are ya an insubordinate slut, but you're slow as fuck too!"

Quinn: (icy tone) "What are YOU doing here!?"

Tony: "My son the pussy-ass invited me, not that you should have any say 'cause you're a fuckin' woman!"

The rest of the household emerged from the kitchen. Both Tommy and Timmy's faces lit up when they saw who it was.

Tommy and Timmy: "GRANDPOP!"

Tony smiled.

Tony: "BOYS!"

The boys ran up and hugged their grandfather, who affectionately returns the hug. Cut to Jim and Teddy.

Teddy: "This is gonna get worse before it gets better, isn't it?"

Cut back to Tony as he releases his two grandsons.

Tony: "JENNIFER, HURRY THE FUCK UP WITH OUR BAGS, WOMAN!"

Cut to outside and we see Tony's supermodel hot trophy wife loaded down with luggage as she makes her way to the door. Cut back to inside.

Jim: "Need a hand, Jennifer?"

Tony: "Good idea, Jim. Tell your woman to help Jennifer!"

Quinn gives Jim a 'don't-you-dare' look.

Scene 3

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, night

Int. Shot: Master bedroom

Quinn and Jim were arguing in bed.

Quinn: "I can't believe you invited HIM! You know how I and everyone else feels about him."

Jim: "Quinn, he's my father and it's his grandsons' tenth birthday."

Quinn rolls her eyes.

Quinn: "Jim, have you forgotten what happened last year!?"

Jim: "Quinn, I eventually laid down the law, didn't I."

Quinn: "After he took our CHILDREN to a brothel!"

Jim: "It wasn't a brothel, Quinn, at least not anymore."

Quinn was visibly outraged.

Quinn: "He was planning to expose three nine-year-old boys to HOOKERS!"

Jim tried to reassure his wife.

Jim: "Quinn, relax, will ya. I have strict assurances from both Dad and Jennifer that he won't cause trouble this time."

Quinn folds her arms.

Quinn: "If you believe that, then I have a bridge to sell you."

Jim: "Look, Quinn, one of the reasons I invited them is that Dad told me he and Jennifer have a big announcement to make and they wanna make it in a situation where everyone's present. Frankly, I'm more than a little curious. Aren't you?"

Quinn sighed.

Quinn: "Believe it or not, I actually am. Hopefully it's good news." (thought VO) Like he has a terminal illness and the doctors gave him only a very short time to live. (out loud) "Fine, I'll drop the issue, but you have to promise me you'll put a stop to it if your father starts causing trouble."

Jim: "Scout's honor."

With that, they both calmed down.

Scene 4

Ext. Shot: Kara's Wild Family Fun Center, evening

Int. Shot: The banquet hall

It's now the triplet's tenth birthday. The kids in attendance are Rachel White (Jamie and Nicole's daughter), Kevin Thompson Jr., Shane Sloane (Tom and Sandi's son), Q and Chuckie Ruttheimer (Chuck and Stacy's daughter and son, respectively) as well as numerous other kids and their parents. In addition to the parents of all the kids, the adults included Tony, Helen and Jake, Uncle Vito, Daria and Jane, Chris and Brittany's personal trainer/side action, Daryl. All were seated at the table while everyone sang to the triplets.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOMMY, TIMMY AND TEDDY

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU"

All three boys blew out the candles on the cake. This was followed by applause from all the guests. Cut to Chucky Ruttheimer as he handed each boy his present.

Chucky: (snarky monotone) "You're older."

Cut to Tommy as he opened his gift, the latest Call of Duty Game.

Tommy: "Cool! Thanks, Chucky."

Chucky: (snarky monotone) "You liked my gift."

Cut to Quinn and Jim. Quinn smiles proudly while Jim records everything on a go-pro.

Rachel hands Teddy a present.

Rachel: "Here ya go."

Teddy opens it. It's a copy of 1984.

Teddy: "Thanks, Rachel."

Rachel: "Don't mention it...ever."

They exchanged smirks identical to the ones Daria and Jane exchange in similar circumstances, showing once more that Rachel is the Jane to Teddy's Daria.

Cut to Q handing a present to Timmy.

Q: "Here ya go Timmy. Happy birthday."

Timmy, who has an unrequited crush on Quinn Ruttheimer, hoped she didn't see him blush.

Cut to later as they're all eating birthday cake.

Brittany and Daryl both stood up.

Brittany: "Kevie, I need to use the bathroom."

Daryl: "I'll go with her to...um...keep an eye on things. We'll be back in an hour."

Kevin buys this.

Kevin: "Okay. Thanks man."

Both Daryl and Brittany make their way towards the restrooms.

Kevin: "What a nice guy."

The other adults frown, knowing what Daryl and Brittany are really going to do in the bathroom.

Cut to Daria and Jane.

Daria: (under her breath) "And in the last thirteen years he's only managed to knock her up once."

Cut to Kevin Jr., who looks like a pre-teen Daryl. Cut back to Daria and Jane.

Jane: "I guess someone finally told her there's such a thing as birth control."

Tony suddenly stood up.

Tony: "TEN-HUT! ALL YOU COCKBREATHS QUIT STUFFING YER FACES! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!"

Both Chris and Kevin suddenly stood at attention. Jamie, being an Army vetran, almost did as well, but a stern look from Nicole made him think better of it. Everyone stared daggers at him as they did not appreciate being addressed in a manner akin to a drill sergeant about to give the recruits a major ass-chewing.

Tony: "DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!"

Only Chris and Kevin spoke.

Chris and Kevin: "Sir, yes, sir!"

Tony: "I CAN'T FUCKIN' HEAR YAS! SOUND OFF LIKE YA GOT A GODDAMN PAIR!"

Chris and Kevin: "SIR, YES, SIR!"

Tony addresses the whole crowd.

Tony: "MY WIFE HAS A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE! STAND UP AND TELL 'EM, HOT CHEEKS!"

Jennifer stood up and smiled with barely contained excitement.

Jennifer: (giddy) "I'M PREGNANT!"

Literally everyone dropped what they were doing and let out a collective gasp.

Tony: "THAT'S RIGHT! I CAN STILL KNOCK UP A HOT YOUNG THING AT SEVENTY-NINE! DOUBLE-WRAPPED AN' MY BOYS STILL BROKE THROUGH! HOO-RAH!"

Everyone else stared in collective shock. Jim was the first one to regain their voice.

Jim: "Congratulations, Dad, Jennifer."

Jennifer: "Thanks, and sorry you can't have any more children."

Quinn instantly took offense.

Quinn: "Excuse me!"

Jennifer: "You're thirty-nine. Your eggs are all rotten now."

Quinn was visibly furious.

Quinn: "HEY, I could SO have another kid if I wanted to."

Tony piles on.

Tony: "Maybe if you cheat on my pussy-assed faggot of a son with a real man."

Literally everyone stared daggers at Tony for that one.

Scene 5

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, later that night

Int. Shot: Master bedroom

Quinn was fuming while Jim tried his best to calm her down.

Quinn: "The nerve of that bitch! Saying I'm barren just because I'm three years older than her!"

Jim: "Quinn, you know Jennifer's a total airhead. She married my father, for chrissake. Letting someone like that get to you is just gonna drive you crazy."

Quinn: "How are you not offended!? Especially after your father called you a homophobic slur while implying that I'd have to cheat on you to become pregnant again."

Jim explained.

Jim: "After forty-one years Dad's insults just don't phase me anymore."

He then decides to change topics.

Jim: "You know, I can't believe my father impregnated someone at his age. He's seventy-nine, you'd think a guy that old is only firing blanks." Pause. "I guess we Carbone men are just superhumanly potent. After all, I gave you three kids in one shot."

Quinn couldn't help giggling.

Quinn: "I guess you're right."

She suddenly turns serious again.

Quinn: "Still, all of this does make me think."

Jim: "About?"

Quinn: "Life and family. The boys just turned ten, you're forty-one and I'm gonna be forty in two months. Where does the time go?"

Jim: "Quinn, it's not like we're at the end of the line. Statistically speaking, we both have AT LEAST four or five more decades of life still in front of us."

Quinn sighed.

Quinn: "I know, but we are both at an age where things start to go. Your strength, my looks, our health and the boys' innocence."

Jim: "Quinn, they just turned ten. It's not like they're moving out anytime soon."

Quinn: "I know, but what Jennifer said just reminded me that our youth won't last forever."

Jim raised an eyebrow.

Jim: "Why do I get a feeling I'm not gonna like where this is going?"

Quinn looked at her husband with the utmost sincerity in her eyes.

Quinn: "Jim, I wanna have another baby."

Jim eyes went wide and his jaw fell open.

Act II

Scene 1

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, night

Int. Shot: Master bedroom

` Quinn and Jim are arguing. In this particular marital spat the topic is that Quinn wants to have another kid while Jim doesn't.

Jim: "Are you nuts!? We have three kids already."

Quinn: "And I wanna have a fourth while it's still an option."

Jim: "Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. I have a snow shovel, but I don't use it in the summer."

Quinn: "Jim, the boys are ten. It's not gonna be long before they reach their teens and puberty kicks in. The years are going by pretty fast."

Jim: "So?"

Quinn: "So, before we know it the boys will be heading off to college and I'll be going through menopause."

Jim: "Quinn, it's gonna be eight years before that first one happens and, since you're only 39, at least a whole decade before the second one. Yes, the clock's ticking. That's why I wanna make the most of the youth we still have and another kid's gonna get in the way."

Quinn: "Don't you miss when the boys were really little? Don't you miss the cooing, the giggling, the cute little faces?"

Jim rolls his eyes.

Jim: "You're forgetting all the downsides."

Quinn: "What downsides?"

Jim: "Remember the tantrums, the dirty diapers and all the sleepless nights?"

Quinn: "Jim, what do we have to look forward to once the kids are grown?"

Jim: "Peace and quiet."

Quinn speaks in a firm, determined tone.

Quinn: "Jim, I want another baby."

Jim is equally adamant.

Jim: "I don't. We have our hands full as it is."

Quinn: "I know it's hard work. God, do I ever know, but it's also very rewarding. Yes, the boys are a handful, but they were also downright adorable when they were little."

Jim: "Quinn, the boys couldn't stay sweet little babies forever. Look, I love our sons just as much as you do, but having another kid now is just insane."

Jim makes his way to the closet. A few seconds later, he comes out with a blanket and some pillows. Cut to a stunned Quinn.

Quinn: "Jim, what are you doing?"

Jim: "Sleeping on the couch. Nothing against you, Quinn, but I really don't think I can sleep next to you with something like this hanging over our heads."

Jim hurries out while Quinn stands there in stunned silence.

Scene 2

Ext. Shot: Thompson house, day

Jim, Kevin, Jamie and Chuck are sitting on the porch drinking beer and talking. The topic is the fight Jim had with his wife the night before.

Jim: "...so now Quinn wants to have another baby."

Chuck flashes his infamous Upchuck grin.

Chuck: "So, you and Quinn are gonna get...grrr, feisty?"

Jim: "No. I don't want another kid so until Quinn gets off this baby kick of hers, I'm keeping it in my pants."

Jamie: "I hear that. Not that I don't love my daughter, but Rachel was a MAJOR handful as a baby, especially during the terrible twos. I don't know how you kept sane with three of 'em."

Kevin: "Hey, I had five and I did alright. Junior was the easiest. By the time he came along Brit and I knew exactly what to do. Heck, just making him was so easy that I don't remember doing it."

The other three guys all frown as they know that Kevin Jr.'s biological father is actually Daryl.

Jim: "What really bugs me about this is why Quinn's on this sudden baby kick. What Jennifer said at the birthday party about Quinn having rotten eggs really got to her. It basically reminded Quinn that she's now closer to age fifty than age twenty."

Chuck: "Sounds to me like this is less about having another kid and more about sticking it to Jennifer."

Jamie nodded in agreement.

Jamie: "I don't know what's weirder, your father having a wife more than forty years younger or the fact that he actually knocked her up at 79."

Jim: "It's unusual, but not impossible. Plenty of men can still produce viable sperm well into their 80's."

Tony: (VO, off screen) "Damn right we can."

Tony approaches. Kevin was getting a fresh beer out of the cooler when Tony snatched it from him.

Tony: "Thanks, fat ass, don't mind if I do."

Tony sits with the guys and starts drinking.

Tony: "So, Jim, you and the insubordinate slut are gonna try for another kid, huh?"

Jim rolls his eyes.

Jim: "Dad, please stop calling my wife an insubordinate slut."

Tony got right in Jim's face.

Tony: "I'll call her whatever the fuck I want, ya ungrateful waste o' man-juice. Do I make myself clear?"

Jim doesn't answer.

Tony: "DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR, PUSSY ASS!?"

Jim sighs.

Jim: "Fine."

Jamie: "So, you were listening in on us."

Tony nods.

Tony: "Yep." He turns to Jim. "So, Insubordinate Slut wants herself another brat, huh?"

Jim: (irritated) "Yes, not that it's any of your business."

Tony: "Wassamatter, can't get it up?"

Jim rubs his temples as Tony addresses the other guys.

Tony: "He gets that from his mother. She never did a damn thing in the bedroom, I had to do all the work."

Jim: "Could we PLEASE talk about something else!?"

Tony: "Don't be so sensitive, ya damn woman. It sure as hell isn't my fault I can knock a bitch up at seventy-nine. Hell, by the time you're my age you probably won't be able to get it up even with Viagra."

Jim decides to hit back with some subtle psychological warfare.

Jim: "Speaking of age, you're seventy-nine."

Tony: "So?"

Jim: "So, by the time Jennifer gives birth you'll be eighty. By the time that kid graduates high school..."

Tony: "Yep, I'll be dead."

Jim moves in for the kill.

Jim: "And it doesn't bother you that you probably won't live long enough to see your kid reach adulthood? That you're so old you'll be lucky to see the kid's tenth birthday?"

Tony says nothing but looks rattled. Cut to Jim with a 'gotcha' grin on his face.

Scene 3

Ext. Shot: A baby supply store in Lawndale, day

Int. Shot: The store

The store is full of women with infants as well as couples where the woman is visibly pregnant. Tony, Jennifer, Jim and Quinn are at the store. Neither Tony nor Jim wanna be there. Cut to Tony and Jennifer.

Tony: "Jennifer, why the hell are we here?"

Jennifer: "Because we're having a baby and need to get supplies."

Tony: "But it's November and the brat's not due until May."

Cut to Quinn and Jim. They're still arguing about her sudden desire to have another kid.

Quinn: "Dammit, Jim, why don't you want another kid!?"

Jim rolls his eyes.

Jim: "This again!? Quinn, we both know what a time-suck babies are."

Quinn: "Jim, we're both pushing forty. If we wait too long, then it'll be too late."

Jim: "We have three sons, isn't that enough?"

Quinn: "Jim, I love our boys more than anything else in the world. I miss all the special moments."

Jim: "There are other moments. The boys are only in fourth grade. They aren't even close to adulthood. Yes, they'll eventually become grown men, leave the nest and start families of their own, but that's still a long time away."

Quinn: "What about when that happens? Then it'll be just you and me again."

Jim: "And that's a good thing. It means we did our job. Yes, our boys will eventually be grown men, but just because they're grown up doesn't mean they'll stop being our sons. It means they can take care of us when we're too old and weak to take care of ourselves."

Quinn: "But we won't have children in our lives at that point anymore."

Jim: "No, but we might have grandchildren by then." Pause. "Look, Quinn, I know what this is really about. Jennifer made a cruel, ignorant remark implying that you're past your prime and it's making you feel insecure. You just wanna have another kid to prove that you still can and you're so worried about getting older that you've forgotten all of the upsides to our kids getting older."

Quinn: "What upsides!?"

Jim: "Now that they're less dependent on us we've actually gotten some of our free time back. We can start doing some of the things we had to stop when we became parents. There's no law that says you have to be a boring old fart just because you're not in your twenties anymore. This is especially true in our case because we're self-employed. We don't have to answer to some boss who doesn't give a shit about anything but the bottom line."

Quinn suddenly looks very thoughtful because Jim has some solid points.

Cut back to Tony. He looks around with an anxious expression. He saw a young Asian woman pushing her infant in a strolled. Cut to his POV and the baby suddenly looks like a Viet Cong guerilla with an AK-47. Cut to third person as Tony shakes his head to snap himself out of it.

Tony: (thought VO) Damn flashbacks!

Sguiggle screen as we transition to another flashback. Tony has turned into a twenty-something Green Beret and the baby store has turned into a Vietnamese jungle. Suddenly, a Viet Cong leaps out in front of him and aims his AK.

Viet Cong: "YOU DEAD, AMERICAN!"

Tony: "GAH!"

Cut to reality. Tony was staring at the Asian woman in the baby store. Tony nervously scans the room. He sees a crib on display. Cut to his POV and the store turns into an Eastern European city during the Cold War. The crib turns into a Soviet tank. The hatch opens and out comes a baby that looks like Leonid Brezhnev.

Baby Brezhnev: "WE WILL CRUSH YOUR DECADENT CAPITALIST SOCIETY!"

The tank aims it's cannon right at Tony. Suddenly, everything returns to normal. Tony's back in the baby supply store. He's now sweating profusely and breathing heavily. Tony turns around and sees an Arab-looking woman pushing a dual stroller with twins. Suddenly, the store turns into the war-torn streets of Beirut, Lebanon in the 1980's. Cut to Tony and he's now a muscular man in his early forties with a feathered mullet and a Magnum, PI mustache, having reverted to his days as a Delta Force operator doing covert missions during the Reagan era. Cut to the Middle Eastern woman now wearing a burka. She reaches into her burka, whips out an AK-47 and aims it at the sky. She opens fire while chanting, a celebratory gesture called Arab fireworks.

Woman: "AY-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI!"

Her infant twins leap out of the twin stroller brandishing schemitars. One waves his wildly in the air.

Twin 1: "JIHAD!"

The second twin points his schemitar at Tony.

Twin 2: "DEATH TO THE INFIDEL!"

Cut to Tony as everything suddenly reverts back to normal. Tony anxiously scans the store. Cut to a play pen full of babies. Cut to Tony as he suddenly turns back into a Reagan era commando and the store turns into a Central American jungle in the mid-80's. Cut to the play pen and the babies suddenly turn into pro-Soviet insurgents armed with AK-47's.

Guerilla baby: "VIVA LA REVELOUCION!"

Cut back to reality. Tony has finally reached the breaking point.

Tony: "GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

He immediately runs to Quinn and snatches her purse.

Quinn: "TONY, WHAT THE HELL!?"

Tony runs toward the exit with Quinn's purse.

Tony: "YOU WON'T GET ME, YOU SONS OF BITCHES! NOT MEEEEEEEE!"

Jim: "DAD!"

Jim, Quinn and Jennifer all chase after Tony.

Ext. Shot: Parking lot, a few seconds later

Tony is running towards Quinn's Cadillac while the others give chase. As he does this he also rummages through Quinn's purse until he has the keys to her car. He drops the purse, gets in the brand-new Cadillac and starts the engine.

Tony: "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"

He speeds out of the parking lot and then floors the car down the street.

Scene 4

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, day

Quinn's Cadillac is parked in the front yard with dings and scratches while the lawn is all torn up.

Int. Shot: The basement

A visibly distraught Tony is in Jim's man cave drinking Jack Daniels straight from the bottle. Tommy, Timmy and Teddy are with him drinking soda. He's just told the triplets what happened at the baby supply store.

Tommy: "Dude!"

Timmy: "You had a total freakout!"

Tony nods.

Tony: "I had ta get outta there. The fact that Jennifer's got one in the oven has me so freaked I was having war flashbacks."

Teddy: "You're freaked!? We're the ones who are gonna have an aunt or uncle who's younger than we are."

Tony sighs.

Tony: "I didn't mean for this to happen. I was just relaxing at home, having a beer while listening to The Supremes. You boys like The Supremes?"

Tommy: "Never heard of them."

Teddy sighs.

Teddy: "The Supremes were an all-girl R and B group that was popular in the late fifties and early sixties. Their leader, Diana Ross, went on to have a huge solo career after that."

Timmy: "Just like Beyonce."

Teddy: "Exactly like Beyonce."

Tony got things back on topic.

Tony: "Anyway, I was just relaxing when Jennifer comes in wearing her sexiest lingerie and horny as hell. Next thing I know BAM, she's pregnant."

He sighs before going on.

Tony: "Dammit, I'm seventy-nine, turning eighty in January. I'm too damn old to be having another kid!"

He lets out another sigh before he continues.

Tony: "Your parents, they're the right age to be having babies. Hell, right now they're trying to give you guys a new brother or sister."

All three boys gasp as this is news to them.

Tommy: "Mom and Dad...wanna have another kid!?"

Teddy: "You'd think we'd be enough to put them off children for life."

Timmy frowns as he reaches a disturbing conclusion.

Timmy: "I...I guess they wanna get it right this time."

Scene 5

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, the next day

Int. Shot: Home office

Quinn was sitting alone at her desk, deep in thought.

Quinn: (thought VO) Jim's right. I just wanna have a baby because what Jennifer said reminded me that I'm almost forty. This isn't about recapturing all those special memories; it's about sticking it to that stupid bimbo.

Quinn took a sip of water, then resumed her inner monologue.

Quinn: (thought VO) He was also right about us getting our free time back now that the boys are older. Do I really wanna miss out on more adult experiences just to compete with a trophy wife who's too stupid to even think for herself? No, I'm not wasting the rest of my prime just for that. I love my sons, I like kids in general, but enough's enough. I shouldn't piss away my forties just because I'm afraid of getting older. I have a kid now and by the time that kid's off at college I'll be almost sixty.

At this point, Tommy, Timmy and Teddy enter. None of them appear to be in a good mood.

Tommy: "Mom, we need to talk."

Quinn could tell by his tone and all three expressions that something was up.

Quinn: "What's wrong, boys?"

Teddy: "It's been brought to our attention that you and Dad wanna have another kid. Is this true?"

Quinn: "It was."

Tommy: "Why?"

Before Quinn could answer, an almost in tears Timmy added his two cents.

Timmy: "Mom, we're sorry! If we knew you and Dad would replace us, we would've been better."

Quinn's heart broke a little when she heard that.

Tommy: "Is it because Teddy's a brain and Timmy's a wuss? I'm not cool enough!?"

Timmy is on the verge of crying.

Timmy: "We swear we'll be good from now on!"

Quinn tries to reassure her sons.

Quinn: "Boys, you are good. You're better than good, you three are perfect."

Teddy: "Then why do you and Dad wanna replace us."

Quinn: "We don't wanna replace you. Your father and I love all three of you more than anything."

Tommy: "That's because there's no competition. You have another kid and where does that leave us?"

Quinn: "Just because we have another child doesn't mean your father and I love you boys any less."

Jim enters, having overheard.

Jim: "Your mother's right. Besides, I don't want another kid. Even if I did, it's not to replace you three. Your mother and I will always have your backs, no matter what."

Quinn: "Besides, now that I've taken some time to think about it, I've decided that I don't wanna have another kid after all. It's just that what Jennifer said at your birthday party got me so upset I wasn't thinking straight. Boys, you three are good enough. We're already a perfect family as it is. We don't need to add anyone else."

Jim: (hopeful) "So, you're off the whole baby kick?"

Quinn: "Yes."

Jim and the triplets let out a collective sigh of relief. This relief is short lived, however, as Jennifer suddenly runs in with a concerned look on her face.

Jennifer: "Jim, your father's gone!"

Jim raises an eyebrow.

Jim: "Gone!"

Jennifer: "Yes. He made me put all his things in the truck last night and just took off."

Jim: "He say where he was going?"

Jennifer shakes her head.

Jennifer: "No."

Quinn: "And you didn't think to tell us right away!?"

Jennifer: "I only think what Tony tells me to think."

That surprised no one. Jim whips out his I-phone and dials a number. He listens for a few seconds before hanging up.

Jim: "He's not answering his cell."

Teddy makes a suggestion.

Teddy: "You can use the GPS to figure out where Grandpop is, can't you?"

Jim silently chided himself for not thinking about that.

Jim: "Ok, Google."

His I-phone goes online.

Jim: "Locate last number called."

Jim looks at the screen. His face sinks when he sees where Tony's phone is.

Jim: "It's in the long-term parking lot at Philadelphia International. Dammit, if he left last night Dad could be anywhere on the planet by now."

Jennifer suddenly remembers something.

Jennifer: "There was a call on the house phone earlier. I let the machine get it."

Jim goes to the phone and checks the voicemail while everyone else listens.

Tony: (VO, from machine) "Jim, just calling to tell yas I left last night an' I'm not coming back...EVER! I need ya to do me a favor. I want you and Quinn to take care of Jennifer and the baby."

The message ends.

Jim: "Dammit!"

Quinn was furious.

Quinn: "That freaking weasel!"

Timmy has a suggestion.

Timmy: "You can star-sixty-nine him."

Jim picks up the phone and does just that.

Jim: "Hello, I'd like to know where I'm calling." Pause as Jim listens. "Le Grande hotel?" Another pause as Jim's eyes go wide. "MGM Grand!?" He listens. "You've gotta be shitting me!" Another pause. "Thanks."

Jim hangs up and faces the rest of the family.

Jim: "You won't believe this. Dad's in Las Vegas."

Everyone was visibly furious. Tony had abandoned his pregnant wife to have a wild time in Vegas.

Act III

Scene 1

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, day

Jim was loading up his Camaro for a road trip. Chuck Ruttheimer was tagging along while Quinn, Jennifer and the triplets were all gathered in the driveway to see him off.

Jim: "Thanks for coming along, Chuck."

Chuck: "No problem, Jim. After all, I'm always down for a trip to Sin City."

Jim: "Just remember that we're there to find my Dad, not take a vacation."

He turns to face his family.

Jim: "Hopefully, I'll only be gone a week."

The reason he anticipates taking so long is that Las Vegas is a four-day drive from Lawndale. At this point Kevin, who lives right next door, approaches.

Kevin: "Hey, Jim, Upchuck. Where you guys going?"

Chuck: "Las Vegas...and quit calling me Upchuck."

Kevin: "Cool, can I come along?"

Jim: "No."

Kevin frowns.

Kevin: "Why not, man?"

Jim: "Because we're not going to have fun. We're going because my dad ditched his pregnant wife, and we need to find him and bring him back."

Quinn has a suggestion.

Quinn: "You know, Jim, three people can cover more ground than two."

Jim: "Not when one of them is Kevin."

Kevin: "Come on, man."

Jim relents.

Jim: "Fine."

Kevin calls towards his house.

Kevin: "BABE, I'M GOING TO LAS VEGAS!"

Brittany: (VO, from house) "COOL! HAVE FUN, KEVIE!"

Kevin smiles.

Kevin: "Brit's cool with staying behind! I got, like, the best wife ever."

Int. Shot: Thompson's living room

Brittany dials a number on her cell.

Brittany: "Daryl, my husband's gonna be out of town for at least a week." Pause. "Looking forward to it, lover."

Ext. Shot: The Carbone's driveway

Jennifer approaches Jim.

Jennifer: "Jim, we both know how sneaky your father is. How're you gonna find him?"

Jim: "Well, I know Dad's staying at MGM Grand. That's as good a place to start as any." Pause. "Don't worry, I'll get him back."

Jennifer: "Good, I need him...at least that's what he tells me."

Cut to Quinn rolling her eyes. Cut to a shot of Jim's Camaro backing out of the driveway as the family wave them off.

Scene 2

Montage scene

Music: "The Traveler" by A Flock of Seagulls

As the music starts, we see a large map. A red dot representing our travelers is moving south on I-95.

I am the traveler

Shot of them crossing the Potomac River into Virginia.

And I'm arriving

Map shot of them just south of Richmond. They get off of I-95 and take I-85 into North Carolina.

In a new place

Map shot of them taking I-40 west through North Carolina.

With a new face.

Beautiful shot of the foliage in the Appalachian Mountains.

So don't stop.

Shot of them at a rest stop near Great Smokey Mountains National Park.

Don't look behind you.

Map shot of the red dot approaching Nashville, TN.

Don't stop.

Shot of them checking into a motel in Nashville.

They'll never find you.

Map shot shows the red dot taking I-40 through Arkansas into Oklahoma.

I am the traveler.

Shot of them checking into a motel in Tulsa.

Across a million miles of ocean.

Shot of Jim's Camaro passing an endless sea of corn fields.

I wanna get there.

Shot of Jim's Camaro continuing west on I-40 as the corn fields give way to open praire and eventually desert.

I wanna swim in your ocean.

Map shot of the red dot crossing the state line between New Mexico and Arizona.

So don't stop.

Shot of them staying at a Native American themed motel.

Don't look behind you.

Shot of them leaving the next morning.

No, don't stop.

Shot of them on a desolate highway being chased by a skinwalker.

They'll never find you.

Shot of them passing through Flagstaff. Apparently, not even a dangerous cryptid can keep up with a 650-horsepower muscle car. Cut to a shot of them crossing Hoover Dam into Nevada. Final shot is the lights of Las Vegas appearing over the horizon as the sun goes down.

Scene 3

Ext. Shot: Las Vegas Strip, evening

Start with a panoramic shot of the lit-up Strip. Zoom in on the entrance to MGM Grand. Jim, Kevin and Chuck walk out looking very disappointed.

Kevin: "Dude! I can't believe they, like, kicked the Sergeant Major out for being a sore loser at blackjack. Don't they know he's a war hero."

Chuck and Jim both roll their eyes.

Jim: "Kevin, they're not gonna let anyone, even a decorated veteran, try to strangle one of their dealers."

Chuck: "So, what now?"

Jim: "We need to try and think like the old man. Where would a violence-prone skirt chaser go after getting booted from a casino?"

Cut to their POV and we see a side street lined with strip clubs. Cut back to the guys.

Jim: "Let's go."

Ext. Shot: One of the strip clubs, sometime later

Chuck and Jim are standing outside. Both are visibly disappointed.

Jim: "Unbelievable! We went to every strip joint on this street and not a single one of them's seen my father."

Chuck looks at his watch.

Chuck: "I wish Kevin would hurry the hell up in the Champaigne Room."

Jim: "How much service did you buy him?"

Chuck: "A lap dance with a VERY happy ending."

Jim looks at his watch.

Jim: "He should be coming out in three...two..."

Suddenly, Kevin stumbles out the door.

Kevin: "Dude, I'm in love!"

Both Chuck and Jim look at him funny.

Kevin: "What?"

Jim: "Your fly's open."

Cut to Kevin and we see that his pants are unzipped. He looks embarrassed as he zips himself up.

Kevin: "Thanks, man."

Chuck: "So, what now?"

Jim lets out a resigned sigh.

Jim: "I guess we'll have to hit every casino on the strip until we find him."

Cut to their POV and we see a tour bus. On the bus is an advertisement. It reads "The Supremes, at Caesar's Palace through November 30th". Cut back to the guys as Jim has an idea.

Jim: "Of course! Dad loves The Supremes!"

Kevin: "Dude, are they, like, even still alive?"

Chuck rolls his eyes.

Chuck: "Kevin, they're obviously impersonators."

Jim: "Still, it's a show my dad would wanna see. Looks like we're going to Caesar's Palace."

Scene 4

Ext. Shot: Caesar's Palace, evening

Int. Shot: One of the showrooms

Music: "Baby Love" by The Supremes

A group impersonating The Supremes are onstage singing their signature hit. Jim, Chuck and Kevin are in the audience. After the song wraps, the crowd explode in thunderous applause. The one dressed as Diana Ross comes up to the microphone.

Diana Ross impersonator: "Thanks you! We'll be here through the end of the month."

As everyone begins to file out, Jim makes his way to the stage.

Jim: "Excuse me!"

The girls turn around.

Jim: "I'm trying to find someone and was hoping you'd seen them."

As the other two go backstage, the one playing Diana Ross approaches Jim.

Diana Ross impersonator: "How can I help?"

Jim: "I'm looking for my father, who's a Supremes fan."

He pulls a picture of Tony out of his pocket and hands it to her.

Jim: "this is him."

"Diana" looks at the photo before handing it back.

Diana Ross impersonator: "Yeah, he was here, alright. He actually grabbed my ass."

Jim blushes with embarrassment.

Jim: "Yeah, he does that...much to my chagrin."

The cosplayer takes off her wig, revealing herself to actually be a man.

Drag queen: "Yeah, once he realized I was actually a drag queen he totally lost his shit. Your father went on a rampage and security threw him out."

Jim stood there in stunned silence.

Scene 5

Ext. Shot: Bellagio, a short time later

Int. Shot: The casino

Jim, Chuck and Kevin were in the casino trying to figure out what to do next.

Jim: "I can't believe this. We've been to the Grand, several strip clubs and Caesar's Palace, and we're no closer to finding Dad than when we left Lawndale."

Kevin: "Can we call it a night?"

Jim shakes his head.

Jim: "No. I've got my hands full with my own kids, I'm not raising my new brother or sister too. For that reason, we aren't leaving Vegas without Dad."

Chuck: "But your father could be anywhere."

Jim rubs his temples.

Jim: "Look, I need some alone time to think about our next move. Why don't you two do some gambling while I mull over things?"

Chuck and Kevin made their way to a card table while Jim made his way to the bar. As he sat down, one of the bartenders approached.

Bartender: "What'll it be, pal?"

Jim: "Bourbon on the rocks."

As the bartender made Jim's drink a familiar voice caught his attention.

Tony: (VO, off screen) "C'MON, LADY LUCK, DON'T LET ME DOWN!"

Cut to Jim's POV and we see Tony at the craps table. Cut back to Jim as the bartender hands him his drink.

Jim: "Thanks."

After paying, Jim takes his drink and walks over to Tony.

Jim: "Hey, Dad."

Tony freezes. A second later, he glares at his son.

Tony: "I'm not going back, pussy ass."

Jim: "I didn't come here to make you go back, Dad. I came here to tell you not to worry. Jennifer's new boyfriend will take good care of her and the baby."

Tony's eyes flashed with anger.

Tony: "WHAT!?"

Jim: "Yeah, since you won't step up to the plate, Jennifer found someone who would. His name's Jerry."

Tony angrily pounds his fist on the table.

Tony: "Gimmie his address! I'LL FUCKIN' GUT HIM!"

Jim sighed.

Jim: "Dad, Jennifer didn't find someone else. Jerry's just someone I made up." Pause. "But see how worked up you got just now. You still love Jennifer. You need to go back to her and make this right. The two of you are gonna have a kid, for chrissake."

Tony lets out a resigned sigh.

Tony: "Aw, hell, I was thinking of heading back anyways."

Jim is pleasantly surprised by how easy that was.

Tony: "So, you and Quinn are trying for another kid, huh?"

Jim: "Not anymore. Quinn just wanted another baby because that remark Jennifer made about her fertility made her feel insecure about her age. We talked it over and decided we're perfectly happy with the kids we already have."

Tony grins maliciously.

Tony: "I see, so you're giving up. You always were a fuckin' quitter."

Jim rolls his eyes.

Jim: "I'm a quitter! You're the one who smashed the controller after I beat you at Mortal Kombat back in middle school!"

Tony: "You never beat me at anything, ya fuckin' pussy!"

Suddenly, something occurs to Tony.

Tony: "Oh, I get it! You can't compete with my manliness and the insubordinate slut can't compete with Jennifer's fertility, so youse guys are smashing the controller!"

Jim emits a frustrated sigh.

Jim: "Yes, Dad, I'm smashing the controller! You win! Happy?"

Tony: "No, I'm not happy and, no, I don't win! Dammit, you aren't in competition wit' me! Hell, if it's a contest over who's the better father, you win!"

Jim's pleasantly surprised.

Jim: "Really!? Y...You mean that!?"

Tony: "Of course. You made three great kids, all I made was you an' Chris."

Tony proceeds to let his humanity actually show.

Tony: "Hell, it's not just parenting where ya got me beat. You got a beautiful wife, three great kids, ya work from home making six-figures doing something that ya do for fun anyway. All I got goin' for me is that I killed a hundred commies in Vietnam. Hell, much as I like to rip on your wife, she's fuckin' hot!"

Jim visibly doesn't know whether to feel moved or offended.

Tony: "Take the compliment, pussy ass. It's the only one your ever gonna get."

Jim: "Um...Thanks."

Tony: "Now don't go getting all touchy-feely on me! You're still a pansy who's more womanly than most women I know."

Jim smiles.

Jim: "And you're still a toxic psychopath who belongs in a cage."

Tony smiles back.

Tony: "Got me there, Jim."

Jim looks at his watch.

Jim: "Well, ready to go?"

Tony: "Now hold on. No one knows ya found me yet. Whaddaya say we rebuild some burnt bridges with a night of father/son bonding in Vegas? We can head back in the morning."

Jim: "You're on, Dad."

Tony shakes the dice.

Tony: "Five-hundred on seven!"

He rolls the dice, but...

Dealer: "Craps, you lose!"

Tony loses his shit.

Tony: "WHAT!? YOU FUCKIN' SON OF A WHORE! I'LL FUCKIN' KILL YA, YA COCKSUCKER!"

Tony leaps up, grabs the dealer and starts to strangle him. A few seconds later a whole team of security gards are trying to pull Tony off the guy.

Tony: "YOU CAN'T DO THIS! I'M A FUCKIN' WAR HERO!"

Cut to Jim burying his face in his hands out of embarrassment.

End Credits.