Shepard coughed again. It was a dry, scratchy sound. Clearing his throat, it felt like he had a completely unchewed nutrition bar lodged in there. He hacked again, still to no avail.
"Fuck me," was the only retort he could make in defiance of his body's convulsing protests as it attempted to clear the offending object. Indeed, he felt as if something had, in fact, fucked him.
In this case, it was Tali's language.
About a week ago, he'd downloaded a language learning program to his omnitool so he could try to learn on the go. Usually, he would ramp through the audio lessons while gingerly walking through the capital with the support of the cane, while also trying to commit the city's layout to memory. Two days later, he'd realized that he had neither learned a lick of Khelish nor had he gained any meaningful insight into the layout of the city. So he'd decided that he should split the two. Music on his walks through the city and when he was home?
Well, he upgraded the program he'd been trying this with to one compatible for use with a simple, interactive VI. He'd even customized the virtual quarian "teacher" to look as closely to Tali as possible (purple realk and all that jazz). He'd hoped that it would make him more comfortable when he actually worked up the quad to start speaking it to her. He was, in fact, hoping for a bit of familiarity to ease his nerves when he tried it in a real life setting. His initial intent was that he could make it a surprise. As far as he could tell, the only "surprise" he was going to be able to give her was a series of slurred, disorganized and unintelligible gibberish.
Then she would laugh at him in that endearing way that she had before cooing that it was all right; that he didn't have to do this for her; that him simply being here with her was enough; that she loved him so much and this was unnecessary. She was right of course, and he knew that somewhere within her she would even feel badly that he was even making the attempt for her. She'd consider it to be a failing on her part for somehow making him think that he even had to, the damn martyr. That damn beautiful, wonderful and fucking perfect martyr.
"Keelah, do I love her," he said with some conviction before laughing at himself because "keelah" was one of the very few words he could say with something passing a reasonable resemblance to the sound of it when it came from Tali (the other one being se'lai, of course).
I wonder if she's been trying to do this on her own too? Wouldn't surprise me, the sneaky bosh- His laugh stopped him in his tracks. But damn it, I want to do this for her…and for me as well. I remember…who was it? Ah, Mr Greenwald. Ha, classic old guy. He always railed against how so much technology had made us weak, dependent on that shit. I'm sure he'd feel the same about the translators we use today. He ran a hand over his arm and around his knees. Then moving to his face, he pressed into his cheek a little, still feeling the slight pulse as cybernetics pretended to be a few of his blood vessels. Huh, wonder what he'd think of me now? Not that it matters, of course.
With a wan smile, he initiated playback of the last lesson - "Khelish Syntax and Why it Matters".
A few minutes in, he sighed and stopped the lesson with his heel tapping against the floor. Glancing around at the room, he paused at each little trinket that reminded him of her. His little model of the Normandy that had survived stood proudly on one end of this desk - the proud old bird - and its quarian counterpart, the Rayya blessed the other side with its presence. He'd put the photo of Tali and himself that was taken on the Citadel up on the wall, despite Tali's initial misgivings. "John, why are you putting that up? We're not going to be here for that long." He hadn't cared; it was one blasted photo. It wouldn't take much to take it down when they left. But the other photo that was left out was her Rannoch portrait, and he kept that one on what passed for a nightstand on "his" side of the bed. He chuckled - they had no assigned sides of the bed. It was all too often that they would end up all over the place, or Tali would simply sleep on his chest, humming in contentment through the night. He didn't mind of course, either the added weight or the simple presence of her was enough to ensure that the bad dreams that would sometimes still plague him were kept at bay. In any case, he realized that his tapping foot, his looking around…it all pointed to a starchy fit of restlessness. He needed to get outside, he needed to go -
The smile on his face only grew as he reached for his duffel bag and a towel.
He had an idea.
The pleasantly muted light from Tikkun showered over him with its typically cloudless sky (though if his eyes had veered off to the horizon hard enough, he might have been able to see the next round of rain storms brewing). He sat at the edge of the nearby lake, having come here after speaking with the doctor, who had recently checked his ankle and shoulder (as well as a little breathing follow-up), and given him permission for light activity (hence the recent walking).
"Keelah, please keep any extensive weight-bearing to a minimum, John'Shepard," he'd been told.
So that's what he was going to do. While he was indeed seated at the edge of the lake, he was dangling his feet into the warm, yet relatively cool, waters. He looked down at his body, inspecting it. Despite how Cerberus had "upgraded" him after he'd died in 2183, he suspected that he'd really blown his load on tasking them with keeping his ass alive long enough for his Tali to find him. "Totally worth it," she would often mumble her reply whenever they would discuss anything related to that time, which if he could help it, was not often at all. He swore at the scar on his chest, running a finger along its dull, pink length. Eventually, it would simply be another discolored bit of skin that would melt into his body tapestry - tucked in quietly with all the rest. He frowned slightly at the scar - scars, he corrected - that Tali would often run her naked fingers along. He knew that doing so often brought her to quiet tears. She always assured him that they were tears of joy - mostly, anyway.
He wasn't quite convinced.
He was sure that quite a lot of those tears were those derived from sadness of memory, despite their good fortune. Was it stupid to shed them for so small a thing as a scar, when their lives together had been gained? Probably, but sometimes emotions didn't give a right shit about how stupid it was to feel them. Besides, it always seemed so easy to bathe in the shadow of pain - perhaps it was just another fight for them to engage in.
Other times though, they would fall into melancholy discussion about other things. Sometimes it was her father (and mother, too), or his own misbegotten youth. That particular pain tended to be duller - blunted by the erosion brought about by time. But in the end, they would invariably end their evenings laughing at some dumb thing they'd remembered and cherished (escaped space hamster, anyone?).
Presently, however, John Shepard was trying to guide her (and by extension, himself) away from remembering an often melancholy past and into a future that both of them had dreamt of, but realistically had never imagined possible.
He'd taken the necessary precautions, of course. After grabbing the necessities and stuffing them into his bag, he'd consulted the field guide that Geru had sent him. Then, just to be sure, he'd called the man himself.
"Yes, John'Shepard, it is perfectly safe. There are 'fish' as I believe you would call them, but they will likely not approach you. And even if they did, they cannot hurt you."
"Geru, are you sure?"
John could see the smile in his eyes. "Keelah, Shepard. You will be fine."
He'd taken Shala's mate at his word then, and headed down to the lake, where he now sat with a duffel bag that held a towel, a shirt, and a pair of shoes with plenty of room to spare. After he'd sent Tali a message to meet him here directly, he reckoned he'd need that extra room in fairly short order. He watched as a nearby rock glowed blue before he cast it out over the water; his eyes following along as its low arc brought it to the water. Striking its shimmering surface, it hopped up before skipping a few yards, repeating the process a couple more times before inertia met friction and sapped its energy. It sank quickly to the bottom.
Sighing, he thought of his grandmother, who had introduced him to the art of swimming when he was just a small child. She'd taken him to the ocean when all of his friends would have simply gone to the pool. She insisted that the ocean would teach him more about the water then playing in a pool would ever teach him.
And she'd been right.
He remembered the hot and sticky summer day. He hadn't wanted to go, but he pressed himself to make the most of it. It wasn't like he didn't love Grandma, and he'd honestly loved the ocean. But she'd had a somewhat unorthodox way of teaching him.
She taught him, in her own way, that life was not often a smooth ride; that it was full of ups, downs, and unpredictability. How right she was, because she would be dead less than a month later. His parents would be gone three months after that.
But all these years later, he still remembered the lessons she'd imparted with the clarity of mind that always confused Tali. She of the near perfect memory had always been fascinated by what his silly ape brain decided to remember, and maybe more importantly, what it chose to forget.
Those lessons, of course, had served him well throughout the years.
With a smile hugged by a soft sigh, he sent another flat-ish rock skimming along the water's surface. This time he relied solely on the flick of the wrist to cast it skipping along the water in a low arc, dotting the water in a low parabola before finally running out of steam and dropping to the bottom. He watched the rippling water with an odd lopsided smile.
Footsteps padded up from behind him before he felt his mate sit beside him. Scooting herself next to him, Tali wrapped her arms through the crook of his right arm and leaned her head on his shoulder.
"Hi John," she purred a little sheepishly. "You asked me to meet you here."
He smiled like he was hiding a surprise, still looking out over the water. "Yes, I did." He wrapped the arm that Tali had clung to around her, as she continued to rest her head against his neck. "How was your day?"
She sighed against him, but he could feel its contentedness. It was the sigh of someone who had had a good day.
"Oh you know, pretty standard stuff. The new phase coils were installed on the Tilgrap today, and we can start running some tests on the heat sinks for the stealth drive by the end of the week. As well as…another, um, prototype." He raised an eyebrow in curiosity, but thought that she was done. Tali was not. "Then I had to reassign some technicians from Shala's division because we need to get more cargo transports refitted to send to Tuchanka."
John chuckled. "Wrex, huh? What does he need?"
Giggling, she answered him. "Keelah, they just need more basic materials. For home building, it looked like. I mean, you saw what it was like there. If his…quad is doing its job, then they might already need, um, nurseries? Do krogan even use nurseries?"
"That's a question that you get to ask him, my dear."
She poked his chest for emphasis, allowing her finger to linger there before dragging it down to stop at the light trail of hair that receded just under his belly button. "Oh no, not me." Cocking her head in what he knew was a playful smile, she added, "Do you think Garrus could ask?"
Pretending to give it serious consideration, he stroked his chin. "Hmmm, that might not be a bad idea. The man is so damn glib. Could be worth a shot. But in any case, if it's a nursery Wrex needs, then I'm happy. It means that the genophage may well and truly be a thing of the past."
Tali perked up again. "So really, why are we out here? I see you have your…chest exposed. Are you just trying to drive me crazy?"
He smirked. "Well, maybe." Quickly, he continued. "Seriously though - I, uh, had an idea about the lake here."
"What kind of idea?"
"I want you to get used to being in it."
Now running her hand along his thigh, she cocked her head in confusion. "Why? I'm still in -"
Blowing a long sigh of both relief and fatigue, the commander leaves Wrex to his thoughts. He looks over his shoulder anyway, just to make sure. 'Wrex is a good man,' he thinks, 'just beaten down by centuries of slow genocide. I can't even say that I blame him.' He looks around at the surrounding area of the LZ, and it is…pleasant despite the circumstances.
He stops, spinning around in a slow circle to search for the rest of his squad. Indeed, Liara is speaking quietly with Kaidan in front of one of the tents set up by the salarians. Ash and Garrus are on the far side, also speaking quietly. Garrus casts his eyes past her, finding Wrex, then he glances to Shepard before returning to Ashley. Shepard isn't sure what that all means. But where the hell was Tali? She is the only one he wants to talk to now.
On cue, he turns back toward the endless ocean and the strange lightning from the storm that is moving away from them. There he sees her - her purple colors standing out as if in bas relief against the numbing gray of the clouds beyond her. He smirks because Tali is balancing on one foot at the edge of a large rock. Curious, he now has another reason to go to her.
As he approaches her, he can hear Tali's light, somewhat carefree giggles. He is torn apart by the sound of it. Primarily, he loves the sound as much as he loves her. Underneath the love that he can't admit to himself and certainly not to her, he feels a touch of regret and guilt. She wasn't supposed to live this life - this existence that was constantly assailed by danger. He's a soldier and well, she wasn't. Smirking to himself, he realizes that he used the past tense. He feels another touch of those bisected emotions: pride at how much she's grown and shown just how good she is, but there is also fear. It is a tight, damp fear that one of these times, something goes wrong and that will be the end of Tali'Zorah nar Rayya.
It is a reality that he knows he would be unable to stomach should it occur.
Still giggling to herself, he watches her and sees her happiness, but also her melancholy. She does not overtly express it often, but her body conveys it just the same.
He approaches her from the side, and before greeting her, he notes the pair of quarian boots leaning against the side of the rock that she stands on.
"Hey Tali," he offers. "Uh, whatcha doing?"
She giggles at the use of what she likes to call his "sauced English". "Just playing with the water. Um, how's Wrex?"
He offers a smile, knowing exactly what she means. Just as quickly, it is replaced with a more tired countenance. She does this to him - for him - allowing him to drop the facade once in a while. The pretense disappears, and they both welcome it for the same reasons.
"Tali, I think he's okay. But damn it…I had better be right about this. Because if for some reason this 'cure' is a real one, and I order its destruction?"
His friend has stopped her balancing act, and instead seats herself on the rock, tucking her knees to her chest. She pats the open spot next to her, mimicking a gesture he'd shown her on countless other occasions. It is inviting and warm. He does as she instructs.
"Shepard, this is Saren. There is no way that the cure is one that was ever intended to work. It is a…what did you call it? That orange thing that you like to nibble on." She giggles again as she recalls the first time she saw him with one in his mouth.
"A carrot?"
She points, excited that she was halfway to understanding the reference.
"Keelah, that! It was just a carrot that the bosh'tet is using to get the krogan to follow him. And Wrex is smart enough to know that. Besides, he trusts you, I trust you. You have not led us astray."
He smiles, wondering if this young woman quite realizes how much she buoys him already.
"So, what exactly were you doing out here with your boots off?"
She looks away, a little embarrassed. "I was just, um, trying to feel the water. We don't really have anything like this back home. The only water we do have is recycled for use in clean rooms and hydroponics and the like."
He frowns a little. "So, no pools? No swimming?"
Tali only shakes her head slightly, sad and despondent. "What would be the point? It's not like I'd ever get to feel it anyway."
Biting his lower lip, he nodded deliberately. "I know you're in your suit, Tali. But…I think that…" he sighed before closing his eyes for a moment. He faced her, his eyes' blazingly cool blue pressing into her own. "I know that…that what I say about it doesn't mean shit. But Tali, you are not going to be trapped in that goddamn suit for the rest of your life." He forced the words from himself, they were emphatic - the verbal equivalent of slamming his fist onto a table. Curiously, Tali did not flinch. "And I want you to have a head start."
"A head start on what?"
This time when he looked at her, found in his eyes was the adventurous love that usually preceded his most wildly playful ideas. His mouth was that cherished grin as he extended his hand along the visible width of the lake before them. "Swimming, my dear. You're going to eventually learn to swim."
After he explained what he wanted to do, he helped to remove her boots and her realk. When she stood before him with the light cackling off the sides of her exposed helmet, he couldn't help but feel a touch of regret - her body language and the timid way she held her hands across her taut belly told him that this might have been more embarrassing than either had expected.
Fuck sake. This was a mistake. What the hell were you thinking, John? Look at her. She probably feels exposed. Ah, damn it.
Face red and with a nervous hand running through his hair, John apologized profusely before scrambling to retrieve the items that he'd just helped to remove. Smiling warmly, Tali stopped him with a quiet and firm touch of her hand.
"No, John. Don't. I trust you. Keelah, of course I trust you. I know you'll keep me safe. And…well, I'm not really naked."
Her smile warmed his heart and calmed his itchy nerves.
Ten minutes later and John had a freshly-buoyant Tali laying in his arms. There was a ledge of rock that ran along the outskirts of much of the lake, and he was seated there while his Tali was trying to get the mechanics of swimming committed to memory. As far as John could tell, she'd definitely mastered the art of "splashing," if not swimming itself.
"You know Tali, you…don't…have to…kick so hard!" He was struggling to keep her reasonably in place as she kicked with the typical Tali ferocity and gusto.
If she heard him over her laughter, there was no indication as her feet continued to flail about wildly.
Despite his predicament, Shepard was grateful that quarian engineering was advanced enough for her to even partake in this activity - "swimming" by some strange measure. While he was saddened that she could not feel the water lapping against her exquisite skin, she could at least feel the genuine pressured weightlessness that buoyancy brought. He wrapped his arms around her midsection, bringing her enthusiastic kicking to a sudden halt. He pulled her into him, hugging the back of her body against his bare chest. Tali couldn't help but giggle in delight.
He had an idea then. "Tali, I want you to sit right here, and watch me do this for a minute, okay? This way you can see the mechanics of it in action. I always learned best that way."
Somehow she managed to hide the mischievous grin from him. He wants me to sit right there? Okay, captain. I will follow your orders to the letter.
"You mean right here?" She began to shuffle her hips against him, eliciting a quiet groan from her bondmate before his gentle (if not reluctant) hand put a halt to that. Pouting, she let out a soft "hmmph" as she pushed her body off of him before sidling next to him on the little natural ledge. Idly, she kicked her feet under the water, not hard enough to cause a raucous-y splash, but enough to feel the weight of water as she torqued her toes through it. She cherished the resistance found in the clear liquid, if nothing else, she could savor that. She lifted her eyes to her saera, who was lazily (Keelah, how was it so effortless?) parting his way through the water at a canter. Watching the long trailing ripples, she was mesmerized by how clearly she could see his body through the surface of the water. When he reached a distance of about 10 meters, he ducked under - momentarily leaving Tali in distress - before sprouting back up through the glassy surface. Mesmerized, she watched the water glide down his skin in shallow rivulets, reflecting tiny sparkles that danced along his body. She watched him sweep his hair back as he found her with a smile. Keelah, did she want him…
Not only that, but she marveled at the sheer ability he seemed to have in the water. Gone was the little limp, the whispering pop that she heard and felt in his shoulder from time to time. They'd momentarily been replaced with grace and dignity in the space of clear liquid. Her heart swelled at the sight, nearly overcome with relief, joy, and even a touch of pride in her saera. Never. He never gives up. Tali had seen him at his lowest, both mentally and physically, but here he just looked happy and confident again. She was no doctor, but Tali suspected that the buoyancy of water led to far less strain on his battered frame and allowed him to just enjoy the simplicity of motion.
Yet she also knew that when it came to his recovering mind, she was the buoyancy that he sought.
"Okay, Tali," he called with his voice warbling a little as it caromed off the imperfect, glassy surface. "So you have to work your limbs in tandem, but most of your power will come from your legs." He smirked then. "And with legs like yours, I suspect that you will outpace me in very short order." The smirk became a full grin, as he allowed his eyes to roam her body, and Tali couldn't help but blush. Even now, after this time, any compliment he gave her about her body was one that she accepted with heartfelt glee. It didn't matter if it was spoken, or given with only a surreptitious glance with the longing they shared contained in such a small gesture…
"Flatterer," she muttered happily to herself.
He swam back to her in graceful strokes, before dipping under the water and splashing up between her legs. With a giggle, she pulled him in close to her, noting the tinny echo as the water dripped from his face and hair. Entranced, her keen eyes followed a small river that trailed down his forehead and collecting on his nose before plummeting from its tip. Lost as she was in the visual treat, Tali had forgotten to account for the subtle perceived difference in mass that buoyancy afforded her. As she was but only partially submerged, the simple act of pulling John close to her had the comically unintended consequence of sending her onto her back with Shepard falling forward before he pressed his hands into the submerged ledge.
"Hi there, Admiral Tali," he breathed with his loving smirk but millimeters from her mask.
Stupid glass between us. Keelah, I want to -
Almost as if he was reading her thoughts, John shook his head. It was a subtle gesture, but the way his eyes bore into hers and pierced directly into her brain, she knew that he knew that the thought of mask removal had crossed her mind.
Claiming her consolation prize, said admiral shifted her weight back, and hugged him with her strong legs wrapping around his lower back, pulling him very close to her.
"Hi yourself, captain."
Said captain could only smile dumbly at her as her legs' vice grip tightened around him.
"So, I was very impressed with your display. It was very…informative."
"Was it now?"
"Mmmhmm." Tali felt the edge of the little dropoff dig into her upper back as she continued to wrap all four limbs around him; she didn't care. She ran a gloved hand through his wet hair. "Oh keelah, it was."
John knew that she couldn't help but notice what she was doing to him. With a damning smirk, he shifted his hips uncomfortably. "You know, you'd better stop that. We have to get back soon; we have friends coming over."
She replied with her own devious grin. Besides, it wasn't like she didn't know what she was doing. Hell, she wanted this reaction. Tali figured that it was a symptom of having been trapped inside her demoralizing suit for so much of her life. For her entire life, she had a largely love/love relationship with it, after all, the damn thing kept her safe, healthy, and alive. And since she'd only been around other quarians, it's just the way it was. For her, it was no different then Shepard seeing another human in pants and a shirt; you just didn't think anything of it - it just was. So, when she'd first met Shepard and grown to love him on the SR-1, one of the reasons why she'd kept her feelings for him to herself was the damned suit. Whether or not he would find her attractive was a sad mental exercise in futility. She knew that she was different, that her suit made her decidedly "other"; decidedly "alien" regardless of what he would have thought of her own physical form. It was because of this otherness that she saw no reason for him to ever consider something other than mere platonic friendship with her. How could he? He'd only ever receive the feeling of the patented synthetic layers to keep him company. Tali had decided then that she could not have done that to him any more than she could have lopped off her own arm.
It would have been cruel.
The sheer hubris of that decision had almost broken her completely, and for two lonely and emotionless years she'd been resigned to perhaps never tasting the refreshing zing in her soul of true happiness. And on and on her days had gone in cold, quiet sterility as the guilt and regret slowly ate away whatever person she'd once been.
But then she'd been barraged by a string of miracles both minor and life-changing. Eventually and not least among them was the work done by Chakwas and Mordin to contrive a way for her to finally be with him in the way that she'd most desired; in the way that he deserved.
As such, she presently found herself to be nearly insatiable. Some of it was the libido of a mid-twenties woman who was completely in love with the man she'd dreamt of having for so long. Some of it was simply because of her quarian nature - her soul longed to be with his in the most intimate way possible - but quite a bit of it was a simple matter of time.
As in, she was making up for so much of it that she figured they'd lost between his two year absence and then the Reaper War itself.
In some of her quieter moments, Tali mused that it might be borderline scary. Invariably she would always conclude that if John wasn't complaining, then she had no reason to stop.
Her saera was very aware of the grin that she wore like a neon sign. "Oh I know that, John. But I figure that I might be able to squeeze you in - if we hurry."