The funeral.
Epilogue
He was crying.
Tears were rolling down his face. He was crying, silently and hoping that she wouldn't notice. Yet he knew better than that.
She saw it all.
He was laughing too. He was laughing hard, and the tears were because he was trying to keep it away from her.
She knew, and was trying her best to ignore him. The humiliation and the mockery testing her patience to the limit.
"Come back to bed Dawes" he said. "I'll be gentle."
She spun around and looked at him, rudely sticking her tongue out. Applying more pain relief gel onto the large bump and bruise, that was the root of the problem.
It was a silly accident. A mis-placed foot. A lack of concentration, had seen her tumble out the back of a stationary Jeep. Landing right on her derriere. Right in front of a load of her comrades. Unceremoniously she sprawled in front of them.
After the initial concerns she endured laughing and mocking from all. The humiliation only increased as it was necessary for her colleagues to check her over. At one stage she felt as though the entire camp had seen her behind.
"Dawes come on don't be silly." He encouraged when she hesitated.
She felt hurt though by his manner. The mocking upset her, but it had more to do with the new way he addressed her these days. Never routinely as Molly, always more as Dawes.
She had been out there now for nearly fourteen months, and in that time they had tried to make it work.
He had said he was letting her go, yet he didn't mean it. He couldn't. He just meant she needed to do what she needed to do.
And so he came to see her often. The first few visits, tentative short stays. Both testing out each other's understanding of the new arrangement. However over time several more visits took place, each one was getting longer and longer.
She did not mind. She loved him and being without him was unthinkable.
This current stay was for five weeks. His course allowing him to work remotely, and so because he needed space and they needed privacy, they hired a cottage as far away from the camp as they could imagine. They needed their time to reconnect, to be lovers again. Or at least that was the plan until the tumble out of the Jeep stopped it all. He appeared sympathetic but she wondered. Worried.
She climbed gently next to him, happy is laughing had stopped, yet concerned when all he gave her was a kiss on her forehead, a whisper good night and then turned the light off. She had noted a change lately. Less contact, less touching, less presence, just less and she feared speaking would upset the delicate balance that they had in their relationship.
The change had been coming slowly over the past several months. There was little said about the future, plans were only made about him visiting her, never in reverse. The length of the posting was not discussed. Expectation were mooted. They seems only to be living for the here and now. She sensed she was losing something, and she hoped it wasn't him.
It had a lot to do also with how he now addressed her. He never whispered her name any more as he held her. He never teased her with her married name as he used to. Something he was proud to say. He stumbled to call her anything but Dawes. She had always kept her changed name. She was Mrs James and Sergeant James. Had always thought that that's how she would continue. Yet Dawes was how he now addressed her. A blast from the past, it held special memories, she thought those memories had been improved though when she had taken his name. Nowadays when he called her Dawes it felt like a backward step, referring back to previous times before they were married, not recognising where they were now. Maybe she wondered if that's what this posting felt like to him, a backward step.
But still it hurt. She felt she was losing him again, but never voiced her fear. She dared not.
She sat alone in the cold church that was slowly filling up. She missed him. He wasn't with her and wouldn't be, she knew that. She was alone, but she missed him so much. She had to do this on her own, and was willing to do so, but his absence hurt her physically and showed her just how much she'd grown to depend on him. How much she had needed him- again. The flight over had be as sad as it was lonely. Her grief making it drawn out longer than it was. Her realisation that he wasn't there. That they had lost once again.
They both knew this was coming. They had both appreciated that life continued despite all of their attempts to keep things as normal as possible. They had tried so hard to act normal around each other, but this ending had ultimately been inevitable.
They hadn't seen each other in many weeks, and when the telephone call came, late one night, she had been prepared. She knew that it was bad news.
"Molly." He said down the line. "It's over."
His words hurt just as she thought they would. Yet she accepted them and moved forward. "Charles. When?"
He didn't reply immediately and she heard quiet sobbing down the line.
Elvis' Mum, Nancy, had been frail for years, and ill for many weeks. It was inevitable. Charles' second mother, and his best friend's mum. He felt her loss, she had meant the world to them. Had been there in the good times and the bad times for them both. Someone who from the very beginning, right until the very end, championed their cause.
He eventually spoke softly and she listened, sharing memories with her husband once again in grief. They understood potentially the situation could be damaging to them both. Yet he was talking, sharing, and it was different to how he coped when Elvis died. They both saw that.
Molly came alone back to the UK for the funeral, and as yet had not seen Charles, so she sat alone. Charles was needed, the Harte family's dependency on him meant that he was busy with funeral arrangements. There had been little time to meet up.
She tried to politely scan the church, from where she sat, as best as she could, she didn't want to intrude. She had placed herself half way down from the front. A respectful setting There were few faces in the congregation that Molly recognised and briefly smiled at. Appreciating a few would be struggling to place her. She needed Charles by her side to complete the picture. She needed Charles by her side today for so many reasons.
Silence descended on the church, and the opening chords of a hymn started to play. Molly knew that the funeral party, with Charles, had arrived. She sadly smiled remembering the hymn as one Nancy often hummed pottering around her home. It was played at Elvis' funeral too. She knew that its inclusion today was Charles' influence.
She was surprised when she felt a gentle pressure against her elbow. She looked up and saw two large brown sad eyes looking at her, and a faint smile crossed Charles' face.
"Come with me, sit with me. Us." He said quietly as she went to protest. He shook his head, putting gentle pressure on her elbow and helped her to stand. "I need you."
Her feet automatically followed him. Powerless to refuse his request. They settled into the pew for the last few verses of the hymn. He dipped his head gently to her ear. "Remember Molly James I need you, by my side; always."
She replied "Yes Boss." And then he held her hand tightly. He sighed with happiness at her presence.
The past few days had been hard for him. The past few weeks had passed were emotional and had little structure. Two things he found difficult to cope with at times. He had cancelled his trip to see Molly. Nancy's family dependent on him. He felt therefore a relief as he walked down the aisle, knowing that she would be there waiting for him.
He did not see her though immediately. His vision cruelly diverted by another familiar figure. A figured that he hadn't really considered or expected to attend. Georgie was there. He hadn't planned on her attendance. He hadn't factored her in for a long time, and so wouldn't do so in such sad circumstances. For a moment, but just a moment, he panicked. A wave of guilt and regret washed over him. He saw her turning her head to look at him, dressed in widow's weaves, alone and upset. She smiled as he came close, attempting eye contact, and he briefly allowed his eyes to meet hers. Yet that was only a moment, he moved his vision away immediately focusing on the task in hand. He felt nothing. Confident that he was calm and in control. This wasn't like last time. She had no power over him and she never would.
They continued their walk behind the coffin. Moving closer to the alter. It was then that he caught sight of her hair shining in the little bit of sunshine that came through the church windows. She was his salve. He had a calmness he only really appreciate when she was near. He knew what he needed to do. He touched her elbow and summoned her to his side. The weeks of separation had been too long. He saw that in her face as well. He held tightly on to her hands throughout the service. He shared his grief, felt her support and Georgie did not cross his mind again.
She felt sorry for her. She stood alone in the room a few people had so far made contact with her. The old guard that were here to honour the fallen matriarch had long forgotten the Elvis and Georgie Show. They were the cousins that came and briefly said hello, but there was no connection and little to say. Molly, despite it all, felt sorry for Georgie. Molly smiled gently to herself, knowing that the emotions she was feeling just proved Charles' point. She was the "Queen of the Lost Cause". Her sympathy for Georgie just proving it
"Hello." She said quietly before she really thought about it. They had been opportunities before today to have spoken to her, but Molly had always said no. Now she was unsure as to why today was different. Why today she felt she needed to speak to her. Georgie felt it too. Molly saw the shock and surprise on Georgie's face as she whipped herself around at the sound of her ex friends voice.
"Molly! Hello!" she replied back. "I didn't know whether or not to come and speak to you. Wasn't sure, what with it being the wake and all that." Georgie looked at Molly unsure how to proceed. Unsure what the etiquette was in this type of circumstance. "Nice service. Elvis would have liked it."
"Yes" replied Molly taking a long swig of the white wine she had in her hand. Searching the room looking for Charles. Knowing that despite her being the one to make contact she now felt as though she needed him to save her. Yet at the same time she hoped he didn't return as she didn't want him walking in on the scene that was unfurling in the front room of his dead friend.
"So how have you been?" Georgie looked expectantly.
Molly thought she would have been angry speaking for the first time to the woman who messed everything up. Yet she didn't. She just stood, stock still and took in the person standing in front of her. Georgie looked so different. The years hadn't been kind. Dark rings evident under her eyes. Her figure still thin, but would now be described as too thin. Her dress hung unfashionably from her. Her hair not as perfect as it used to be. Her skin not quite as tight as before. Yet it was the eyes that got Molly. They looked haunted. They were not the eyes of somebody who was happy and content. They were the eyes of somebody who still suffered, and instantly Molly felt happy, as that was not what she saw when she looked into Charles' eyes anymore. She saw happiness, she saw love, and she saw hope. Grateful she had been given the opportunity to stop Charles from retreating into a shell of a former self… like Georgie had.
"Look I don't think this is a good idea." Molly said and started to move. Once again she found somebody grabbing onto her arm and she spun around.
"Please Molly." Georgie begged. Quickly releasing Molly's arm. "Just a minute…we're friends. Please I have to say this. I never meant to…."
"Don't!" Molly said a little bit too loudly and garnered a few looks from the other members of the front room. This was not the place to make a scene, and so she said quieter. "Don't. You stopped being my friend a long time ago. We stopped being friends, not when you slept with my husband and ruined my marriage, his career. No. You stop being my friend the day you refused to listen to me. You stopped being my friend the day I came to you and said that Charles had a problem. When I told you, when I poured my heart out and asked for help. You stopped being my friend the day you refused to accept what was happening because you knew only too well if I was losing him, you would be getting him."
"I was grief." Georgie said in her defence. "I just lost Elvis; we were going to get married. He was gone. I was grieving Molly."
"Yeah we all were Georgie." Molly replied.
"But he meant more to me than anybody else." Georgie lent forward and attempted to pulled at Molly's arm, as well as her heart strings. Reacting quickly Molly pulled it out of her grasp.
Molly said quietly. "This isn't fucking top trumps of grief Georgie! We all lost him. There were a lot of people who were hurt by what happened. You weren't the only one."
"Yes but I needed help too." She sobbed.
"From what I understand you got it. You had a whole year off. The whole Army fucking helped you. You sorted it out, you got help. Came back."
"I did need help." Georgie chocked out.
"And so did Charles!" Molly said louder. "Yet he wouldn't admit it. He didn't have anybody to intervene for him like they did with you. Like he did for you. He just kept going, saying everything was alright, when it wasn't. And I knew that he wasn't right, and that's why I went to you, because you'd been there, you'd seen it, you knew you should've helped."
"It wasn't my fault Molly." Georgie said. "He actively pursued me. He was the one who chased me. Abused his position."
Even though the words stung Molly still defended him. She had to believe what she believed. He wasn't him when all this was happening. He wasn't well. "If you believe that Georgie then you're more of the deluded fool that Elvis thought you were. He was ill, he was chasing the memory of Elvis. He was not chasing you."
"It was him." Georgie continued. Molly said no more. So she continued her attack. "So tell me Molly. Apart from me, who else did you speak to about Charles? Who else did you ask for help from?"
Molly knew that Georgie understood. That Georgie had seen Molly's faults in all this. That she hadn't sort out help for Charles. Georgie had been the only one. She had been too scared, too much of a coward to let the rest of the world know what was happening in her marriage. And so she turned to no one, not even their families, for help. She had too much self-preservation, too much pride. And so because she did nothing she had pushed him into another woman's arms, and there would be a part of her that could forgive Charles, but could never forgive herself.
Her silence said it all. "No I didn't think you'd ask anyone else." Georgie said. "So you're not exactly as innocent in all this as you make out then are you Mols?"
There were times Molly realised in your life when you accept you have actually developed into somebody that you hoped you would become. Charles had always believed in her, and today she finally did. The old Molly James would have responded to the viper who stood in front of her with a slap. She would have responded with screaming, shouting and maybe physical contact, yet she didn't. Instead she just looked at the sad lonely woman in front of her and accepted they all had a part to play in how things had gone wrong. They all were equal in their guilt, and screaming about it now wasn't going to change that. Georgie had asked for forgiveness, just the same as Charles had. She found it in her heart to forgive Charles, as he had forgiven her. So standing in front of Georgie Molly knew what she had to do.
"We don't need to do this to ourselves Georgie. What happened happened. It was shit but we don't need to keep on doing this to ourselves." Molly attempted a slight smile. "Take care of yourself Georgie. I hope things get better for you. I don't expect that you'll ever hear from me again, but if it's any consolation, I don't hate you. I should, but I just feel sorry for you."
Georgie said nothing and Molly saw regret as she spun round and started to walk out of the room. Leaving Georgie behind.
She came solidly into contact with his chest. His eyes wide, dancing from Molly's betraying face to Georgie's, and instantly understanding what had happened. "What's going on?" He held Molly by the shoulders, happy that she didn't pull away. Instead she sunk into him and moved her arms around his waist, holding tight . "Are you alright? What the fuck has she said?"
Molly just looked at him and smiled. "She said nothing that I didn't expect her to say, and she said nothing that I wanted to hear. It's nothing. It's over. It's done." Molly felt Charles breathe a sigh of relief.
"Are you sure you're okay?" He looked intently at her. Searching her face for clues. "I don't want you to be hurt."
"I'm not." And hoped her next words would prove that, but the stiffening of his body, she knew she had failed. "I think we need to talk though don't you?"
She laid with her head resting on his naked chest. Cuddling. Relishing the time that she got to spend with him. Knowing more than anything after today just how precious it was. They had sadly been reminded of that lesson too often. And so they lay there for now content. The stress of the past weeks behind them. A rented cottage for a few days was where they had tracked to, and stayed immediately after the wake. On the journey there, there was a comfortable silence, and the time since arrival had been spent in anything but talking. Charles, and maybe Molly, both desperately worried that this was the end and they needed to make memories to hold onto. They had tumbled into bed and explored each other hungrily. Both wanting and taking from the other, with an almost lost passion. It was therefore hours later when they came back to some semblance of normality she lay there snuggled into him that she spoke.
"Do you think this working?" she asked. The words came out of her mouth before she had thought about them. She hoped she had stopped doing that, not engaging her brain before she spoke. She expected to have some preamble, something that would soften the blow, but the words came out hard and harsh. "I mean us, me being out there you being here? Do you think it's working?"
He didn't answer immediately but shifted his position so he sat himself half up. He still held onto her, she still rested on his lap and stomach. He picked up strands of her hair and started to play with them.
"I miss you." Was his reply
"What is it you miss?" she asked.
"Everything. The waking up next to you. Making a cup of tea for you. The boring food shop, the coming home to you each night. Snuggling up watching crap TV together. I miss everything."
"Me to. This is hard ain't it?"
"Harder than I thought it would be" he admitted. Reaching across to grab a bottle of water, he took a sip and then offered it to her. "Harder each and every time."
"Do you want to break up?" She sat up next to him now. Her question was quiet. Neither of them looked at each other. Charles focused on the water bottle in his hand, while Molly played with her nails. "Go our separate ways?"
He said nothing, merely sat fiddling with the bottle cap. He wanted to say so much but was so frightened. "I don't want to hold you back. I don't want to hurt you. I want you to be happy."
"And you don't think that I'm happy?" She watched as he just shrugged his shoulders. "Are you happy?" she asked.
Instantly he turned and looked at her. "When I'm with you; yes."
"And when you're not?" she asked.
"Then I just feel like." He shifted and swung his legs out of the bed. Now his back was to her. He reached down and picked up his boxer shorts and put them on. It was what he did. Starting to reapply his armour. She knew this about Charles. Serious deep and meaningful conversations never happened unless he was fully clothed. "I feel like I'm just holding on for something Molly. I don't know if I'm holding on for something good to happen, or something bad to happen. But when I'm with you I don't feel we're moving forward. I feel our lives are all about goodbyes and the next snatches of time together."
"Is that such a bad thing?" she asked. "I mean course you should be moving on in your life. But we all know that this is just temporary don't we?"
He pulled on his T-shirt and turned to look back at her. "Is it? Just temporary? What about in the future? What about other postings?"
She looked at him. Of course it was something that she'd considered as well. How transitory their togetherness seemed to be. It was something that had been going round and round in her nut for months. Every goodbye, every hard day, she thought about it more. "I love my life out there Charles. I love the posting, love what I'm doing, love the opportunities." She saw him reach for his trousers; his shoulders slumped. She knew he was preparing himself for the bad news he felt she was about to deliver. "But I'm like you. I feel like I'm playing at being with you again. I feel like you come and it's a constant holiday. It ain't real life." He stood and ran both his hands through his hair. He still didn't turned to face her. She saw him stand up a little bit straighter, preparing his body for the blow she was about to give. So she scooted across the bed, pulling the cover along with her wrapping it around her, and knelt on the bed by his side. "But the thing is even though I love it, I love you more, and I love what we've got and I don't want to let that go."
He turned. Confused. Looking down at her and she saw the doubt. "What you saying Molly? You've never really said. You expect us to drift along? You expect me to follow?"
"No. I'm saying that I don't like this. The posting is everything, but I'm not sharing it who I want to share it with. It stinks." A few tears ran down her face.
He turned fully and pulled her into hug. "Tell me Molly. What's going on?" He asked gently.
"I'm saying that there will be other postings Charles. Fewer if I can help it, and if I have to go I will, but I won't ask to go, and I won't go for as long. I've gotta finish this one though."
He turned her face up so he could look at it. "No. I can't ask you to give up anything because of me."
Shocked she shot back at him "Why? Is it not what you want? Are you going to run?" She pulled away from him angrily. "Shit Charles just like last time; things got tough you just went."
"That's not what I'm saying." he said back at her.
"Then what is it you're saying?"
"I'm not the one who brought this up Molly. It was you. I'm just saying that I miss you."
She flopped down on the bed. "I miss you too." Calmer.
He moved to sit next to her, grabbing her hand. "I don't want to lose you again Molly."
"I don't think I can lose you again either" she replied. "You know once upon a time you used to be so confident in us. In that we would make it. But you ain't anymore."
"That's because I'm not." He looked sadly at her. "Things have changed. I've changed."
"I like it."
"What?" He looked confused "Why?"
"Cause now we're equal. Now I'm sure. I mean I know I love you and I know I want to be with you, but it ain't a given. This time we, you, really have to work at it. Like you're doing." She smiled. "I like it."
" I used to think it would be you who'd leave me." He said. She was amazed he'd never said anything like that before. "That's why I was always so confident about us. I pretended sometimes. A lot of the time actually Before you, well Rebecca never cared, and Sam for a while, it was difficult, and then you came along and suddenly I was just everything. Suddenly in your eyes there was nothing better."
"I thought I'd leave you too….before" she said bumping into his shoulder. "If it makes you feel any better, you're right, I did think the sun shined out of your arse."
"Well that's why I was always so uncertain about us, because I needed to tell myself nearly every day how bloody lucky I was to have you. I never thought you'd stick. I had baggage, shit, I wasn't the nicest of guys when we met. I had faults. So I reckoned if I just told you that it would be okay, I'd push away any of that doubt from your mind."
"Well I guess you did" she said quietly. "For a while."
"Yeah for a while. Then I really fucked up."
"No arguments from me." She teased. Then considered. "Maybe I did too? Have you ever thought of that? Messed us up?"
He turned and looked at her. "Yes Molly." He shared his truth.
"Wow." She replied "Tell a girl softly why don't ya." But it wasn't the time to joke. He knew she wasn't perfect in all this, but still he wanted her.
He shook his head and they stayed silent for a bit.
"So what now." He asked. "I feel like we've talked, but resolved nothing."
She turned. "Don't you? It's clearer to me than it ever has been." Smiling at him
"And?"
"And Charles James. Neither of us know what the future is gonna hold. What's gonna happen next, but what I do know is that whatever is round the corner I want to tackle it with you…. By my side….always."
"Nice words." He kissed her forehead. "So no more fighting?"
"Fighting?" She asked. "We weren't fighting Charles. Or at least I wasn't. I was coming to a momentous decision."
"Were you? Thought you looked in pain." He earned himself a dig in the ribs for that.
She turned and held his face. "You don't deserve me at times you cheeky bastard." She chuckled out. She saw him shake his head, even though he agreed. "I love you and we're gonna have the best few days together."
He nodded and moved her into his lap. "Making memories eh?"
"Yeah. Memories are good."
He looked sad again.
"But you and me mate." She nestled into his cheek. "We're gonna have lots more happy times together. We're gonna have forever. A life time."
"You promise?
"Yeah I promise. This tour. The time apart, won't change us or separate us. We're stronger than that."
"I might make you right there. I hope so. Well you are, Molly James, strong that is."
"I like that you know?" She squeezed him tight. "You calling me Molly James. You haven't for a while, and you know what? There something else. I think it's time we tried this whole properly married thing again. Living together and that."
"You mean me move out to Kenya?" He asked hopefully
"Yeah, if you can, but this is something I've been thinking about for a while, I was thinking of asking to come home a bit sooner. Come back to you, our lives and our future. What you think?"
"I think that the best bloody idea you've ever had."
He held her as she rested herself once again into his arms. Where she belonged and where he'd never let her leave ever again.