SEVERAL YEARS AGO…
A younger Khione the Jynx and Mimica the Mr. Mi-I mean, Barrierd, were going through the forest for an errand. "Couldn't we just Teleport?" Mimica asked as she dragged baskets of berries around, and sounded tired.
"Neither of us know that move and I'm not forgetting Ice Beam for it. Besides, it keeps us fit!" Khione noted.
"We're special attackers, physical fitness doesn't do us…did you hear that?" Mimica asked as she raised one of her jester cap-like tendrils as she leaned closer in to what she heard.
Khione held her hand behind where her ear would be, though covered in her long hair. "Yeah, it comes from that direction." They followed the sound until they entered a part of the forest they rarely cross because there was little of value there.
"Oh, Kiki, look!" Mimica said as she saw a basket with a human baby inside, whom was crying. "It's one of those human hatchlings!"
"They're called babies and humans don't hatch from eggs." Khione pointed out.
"Oh, I always thought they'd be called squishies. Also no shell? Ew, they come out fleshy and whole?" Mimica asked.
"The youngling is clearly separated from its parents. Maybe if I scan its mind I can figure out where they went." Khione said as he touched the baby's forehead with her finger; The baby stopped crying and giggled for some reason. The mind scan must have tickled. "Shame, his infant mind doesn't process memories well enough, I don't know where they headed." Khione noted.
"Oh, so we do know nothing about him?" Mimica said as she picked up the baby as she cooed him. "No worries, little guy. Humans have those police people whom look for missing stuff, maybe they can find your mommy and daddy."
"Good idea, Mimica." Khione noted. "Let's get back to the city before the sun sets, the kid wouldn't make it here otherwise."
"Don't worry you cute little squishy, Mimi and Kiki will look over you in the meantime." Mimica cooed the baby, whom giggled.
However, several months later, no results. No records, no profile, no DNA scan would reveal where the baby come from. The two have been watching over Maurice in the meantime. "Still no news. Guess he may be an orphan or something." Mimica noted.
"Or abandoned." Khionei said.
"That sounds a bit more sad…" Mimica said. She gave Maurice a bottle of formula, which he happily drank. "You know, the police said that if they don't show results soon he may be put up for adoption and…we may not get to see him again."
"That would be sad." Khione said. "I got attached to the little guy.
"Maybe we could adopt him?" Mimica asked. "I mean, we thought about kids and…unless one of us turns into a Ditto or procreates with a male, we won't have any of our own."
"But we're Pokémon, we can't legally adopt humans." Khione noted.
"But we'll lose him. I don't want to lose him." Mimica said as she held the baby closer.
"We can't legally adopt him…but I know someone whom can." Khione noted.
We cut to the scene where the two Pokémon and the baby meet a Professor. "So Doc…can you help us?" Khione asked.
The Professor looked away form the berry bushes he was studying. "Well, this is your dream. And you two have been very good assistants and friends. I can be his legal guardian…but I'll leave the raising to you. I'm not good with kids. Besides it's not illegal to have Pokémon caretakers."
"You can still be his cool and smart uncle Prof!" Mimica assured.
"I guess I can. And with my scientific mind, I'm sure he'll be well-educated. And give him a connection to humanity so he doesn't forget he is human. As I'm a pretty ordinary guy aside from being a brilliant scientist he'll turn out pretty normal too."
"Doc, you forgot to put on pants again." Khione noted.
"I didn't forget them, my pants were restricting me!"
END FLASHBACK
"…and that's the story of how we adopted Maurice." Mimica said as she explained to Maurice's Pokémon.
"That's so heartwarming." Marigold noted. "And I don't just say that because it's master…Ok, it is because its master. But it's still heartwarming."
"So why the name 'Maurice'?" Jinx asked. "Did it have any special meaning or the name of a close friend? Like that professor guy?"
"No, the Professor's name really is Professor. I guess his parents were Psychics." Khione noted.
"We just went through a list of names and threw a dart at it." Mimica noted. "With that said, whom wants to see Maurice's baby pictures?"
Everyone raised their hands but Maurice. "Seriously, all of you? I don't blame Angel, she doesn't know any better, and Jinx is crazy, but Marigold?"
"Everyone was raising their hands so I did them same." Marigold said.
"Et tu, Morrigan?" Maurice asked. The normally expressionless and silent Crocanaw let out a small but smug grin.
"We got it right here…" Mimica pulled out a book. "Oh, this is with him on the carpet, starkers and his soft little baby buttocks up."
"Please let something happen so that I don't have to endure this bout of humiliation anymore." Maurice droned.
"Hey loser!" a familiar obnoxious voice sounded. It was Silver.
"I was kidding!" Maurice shouted out to the heavens.
"Is that one of your friends, Maurice?" Mimica asked. "Is that he crystal girl?"
"Girl?" Silver asked gobsmacked. "I'm not a girl!"
"On second thought, this will prove amusing." Maurice said with a smirk.
"You have long hair like a girl…" Khione pointed towards Silver.
"It's a style choice!" Silver's anger flared up. "Furthermore, I am not interested into a clown girl and a failed opera reject, I'm here to defeat Maurice once and for all prove I'm the better trainer, one that can become champion."
"It's def not the Crystal girl. Aside the lack of harem talk and the fact she wouldn't die her hair red, she wouldn't peddle bad fanfiction about themselves like that." Khione pointed out.
"Bad fanfic? Who do you think you are?" Silver noted.
"The moms of the kid that doesn't have the IQ of a fish stick? Correction, the fish stick at one point was an intelligent lifeform." Mimica added
"Oh, going to need a bunch of Rawst Berries for that one." Jinx pointed out. "Now we know where Morry here got it from."
"At this moment I'm so proud to be their kid." Maurice said.
"It's bad enough being insulted by you Maurice, but those weak mons pretending to be parents have the guts to insult me as well? Well…it ends here! Because I'm not alone and I have gathered your greatest enemies. And we'll crush you together!" Silver said.
"Doesn't defeat that the purpose of trying to prove yourself superior to Maurice in one to one battle if you make it a team effort?" Marigold asked.
"I…shut up!" Silver shouted. "Behold first are my mons! You remember my Chikorita, she has now evolved into a Bayleef!"
Nutmeg stood there, now evolved. "By having killed enough enemies I appeased the blood gods enough to enter the next phase of my evolution. Once I do more I'll be able to reach my final stage and join my deities at the table of torture and slaughter in the dark realm!"
"Er…" Silver felt queasy. "I also added a new member. Meet Fortune the Zubat!"
There was a Zubat whom reminded them of Jinx…Only psychotic. She had a miniature sleeveless straightjacket in bloodsplatters and for some reason was able to fly while holding a knife in one of those tail thingies Zubats have. "I wanna play a game. It's called stabby-stab-stab! I take this knife and I stabby-stab-stab people!"
"Oh, hello sis! Still a crazy psychopath I see!" Jinx waved at the other Zubat. "Yeah, that's my sister. She's as crazy as me but evil. When I do crazy stuff it is to be funny. But what she thinks is funny…" Jinx started to explain.
"Is stabbing?" Maurice asked.
"All types of torture and murder in fact. Only way she gets wet." Jinx noted.
"Oh I'll definitely touch myself once I disemboweled everyone here!" Fortune added. "Starting with my sister!"
"No worries, she never managed to stab me before. Came close, but never succeeded." Jinx added.
"You know with that Bayleef already insane in the membrane, is there a need for Fortune?" Mimica asked.
"I agree, that this heathen should not be on the same team with me. She is just a mad psycho murdered. She has no purpose beyond her twisted joy. I do this because I serve a higher power, the entities of evil itself!" Nutmeg said.
"Blah, blah, blah!" Fortune noted. "How can you make murder sound boring. No need to bring religion into killing. It takes the fun out of it and it makes it more about lashing out ignorance while ignoring the true noble art of the kill!"
"You know nothing about the glory of the blood gods, you out of control uneducated flying Rattata!" Nutmeg said.
"And you take killing too serious and make it drab, you oversized geranium meets Jurassic Park reject!" Fortune said.
Then the two bloodthirsty Pokémon made out. "Gah! Didn't see that coming!" Silver said.
"I did, the sexual tension was there. And I read ahead in the script!" Jinx said.
"Next one!" Silver said quickly. "I have a Gastly!"
"Whassup?" the Gastly, a fairly normal Gastly, said.
"Oh…what is your schtick? Serial killer?" Maurice asked.
"Nah, I used to be a Farfetch'd. Then I was caught and eaten." The Gastly said.
"I am on the run, I take any food I can get. And Farfetch'd is delicious." Silver said.
"Oh, sorry about that, Gastly whose name I don't know." Maurice said.
"It's ok. As a Farfetch'd I was only good as a woodcutter's sidekick forever forced to have the awful HM Cut on me. Unlike our Galarian cousins we have been given the middle finger and not received an evolution. But as a Gastly, I can evolve into Gengar whom are viable and I can get a possible Mega or Gigantamax form. So life really starts for death after me."
"Odd that he's the sanest of the Pokémon I own." Silver noted. "Er…so those were my Pokémons, here are my teammates. Apricorn guy!"
"Those whom insult the glory of Apricorns must pay. APRICORNS!" the guy shouted. The Sneasel whom was with him twitched and flinched as his trainer shouted Apricorns to the top of his lungs and looked like he really didn't want to be here.
"The Birdkeeper!" Silver introduced the next one.
The Birdkeeper held up a birdcage with in it a Magnemite. The Magnemite was not amused. "I'm not a metal bird, you stupid f***!" it shouted at its trainer.
"That's what a metal bird would say!" the Birdkeeper replied. The Magnemite sighed in defeat. You can possibly win an argument with a wise man, but no one wins an argument with an idiot.
"And finally, Steve!" Silver introduced a fastfood worker. He had an Abra with him…whom was fast asleep.
"I don't know half these guys." Maurice said.
"What? You called me dumb, you insulted me and you don't recall me?" Steve asked.
"You know that doesn't narrow anything down at all for me? I only recognize Silver and the Apricorn guy because they are a special brand of stupid and annoying." Maurice said.
"We fought only a few days ago, right before you went through Union cave and you forgot me too?" Birdkeeper asked sadly.
"Er…could you run it by me again? You know run, that's what people do, in the opposite direction of you if they have to listen to you for more then ten seconds." Maurice said.
"Oh the sass…I'm so proud of him." Mimica said with tears of joy in her eyes.
"I know sweetie, I know." Khione said as she wrapped an arm around her mate.
"You honestly not remember me? You wronged me in the worst way… I served you at Smack Downalds…and you didn't tip me!" Steve said.
"Oh right, you are the guy whom couldn't make a simple Volcano Burger. The only thing you did right that it was at least food, and that's the only thing we can agree on. But in everything else…how did you mess up so badly? First, A volcano burger should be spicy! It's in the name. Volcano…heat…spice! How could you make a Tamato Berry sauce make taste like dishwater with paprika in it? Second, the bun was soggy. It feel apart and I couldn't get my food out. So you gave me a fork…a freakin' fork? For a burger! Arceus gave us already two fine pieces of cutlery for burgers and they are called hands! Between that, wilted lettuce, chewy pickles and worst of all you forgot the cheese. Pepperjack Moomoo Cheese is what completes it. They make these recipes simple since it is a low end job and if you fail even as something and simple as that there is no hope for you." Maurice said.
"He takes Volcano burgers really seriously." Jinx pointed out.
"Morry, what did we say about there being other things to eat in the world but Volcano Burgers?" Khione asked.
"I can stop whenever I want!" Maurice said.
"We'll have an intervention later, Morry!" Mimica said.
"I have honestly no idea what is going on anymore." Silver said. "I am surrounded by crazy and stupid…is this how you feel all the time?" the red headed rival said as he turned to Maurice.
"Pretty much!"
"Enough, let's just destroy them all! Attack!" Steve said as he pointed with his Abra…whom just snored as Abra sleep 18 hours a day and it only knows Teleport anyhow. The rest of the Pokémon attack though.
"Let's put them out of their misery." Maurice said as he pointed at the incoming attackers, and his Pokémon retaliated. Morrigan bit down on the Gastly so that was over quickly.
Fortune moved in a random pattern, so Marigold couldn't hit her with her Thundershocks. She barely avoided Fortune's knife, only gaining a cut on her cheek and some wool cut off. "I'm going to make me a mean rack of delicious lamb!" Fortune said with a grin on her face. "I may not even eat it. Just stab you, cut you up, cook you and stab your cooked remains just because I love stabby-stab-stab!"
"Somebody help! She is too crazy for me to hit!" Marigold said.
"But not for me!" Jinx said as she tackled her sister and held her down. "Now Marigold! Don't mind me!"
"You'll fry us both!" Fortune said.
"Yeah, but I got plot armor!" Jinx said as she now wore actual armor.
"It is a kid's birthday knight costume made from plastic…with the world 'Plot 'painted on it with your handwriting." Fortune noted. "That checks out!" With that both were hit with bursts of electricity but Jinx was unaffected because at this point I myself don't know anymore because Jinx has grown beyond my own ability to control.
Khione had just used a small Icy wind on Nutmeg, and Mimica fired a Dazzling Gleam at the Sneasel. The Abra just kept snoring.
"This was embarrassing. Well guys, I never liked you to begin with so I think we should end our partnersh-" Silver turned to the other trainers on his side, only for them to lie dead and disemboweled, with Fortune and Nutmeg making out on top of the bloody remains. "Holy Arceus!"
"They were weak links, they had to be removed." Nutmeg said.
"That and it was fun. Really brought me in the mood!" Fortune then continued to make out with Nutmeg.
Silver looked pale, as if he was about to throw up. He then picked the Pokéballs of the corpses of his former partners. "Well you're all mine now."
"As long as you don't talk about Apricorns I'll do what you say." The Sneasel said.
"Same for me only with a 'no cage policy' instead of the Apricorns." The Magnemite added. The Abra was still sleeping.
"I'm not finished, Maurice. While my teammates are down, I have now a full team. I just pop some Revives and we can start over ag-" Silver said.
Angel's eyes were covered by Maurice as soon as they noticed the murdered annoying trainers no one is going to miss. But she suddenly decided to wave her little arms, which started glowing.
"Is she using Metronome?" Mimica said, having noticed her adopted granddaughter doing something.
Suddenly a Draco Meteor fell from the sky, incinerating the corpses and leaving a glassed black crater. As for Silver and his Pokémon they shot through the air. "Are you kidding me? Am I actually blasting off?" Silver said.
"Still better then the Apricorns!" the Sneasel said. Silver and his team now became twinkles in the sky.
With that done, everyone just stared in the sky for a while as they processed everything. "So, what day is it?" Maurice asked.
"This is written on a Thursday but in-universe it's Tuesday." Jinx explained.
"Figures…" Maurice said. He paused for a moment. "At least my kid's awesome." Maurice said, as Angel preened under the complimenting.
Well that was certainly something, I barely got what was going on
But unlike with the last chapter I am going to get to sing my damn song
A team of bad-butts, two awesome moms and our hero had them on the run
But don't forget to tune in next time once again on
Maurice, Maurice, Maurice
Hates everyone!
"I gave you this one, theme song guy! But next time go out of my life for good!" Maurice shouted at the skies.
A guy came out of Ilex Forest. "Did anyone of you see a Farfetch'd? My dad is going to kill me if I don't find him."