A/N:

This was inspired by a fanfiction I read, so enjoy my take on this very niche topic.

Slice of life with dangerous men in domestic situations? Sign me the eff up! :D

Summary: A former yakuza legend leaves it all behind to become an everyday househusband. But it's not easy to walk away from the gangster life, and what should be mundane household tasks are anything but.

Words: 1647

Prompts:

None really, but I was highly inspired by a Harry Potter vignette of "Way of the Househusband" so BOOM here this is :)

(also, for those of you wondering, the fic is "Way of the Magic Househusband" by Andrew Joshua Talon. Seriously, go check it out, I'm in love with it :)

"Pitch and the Way of the Househusband"

Pitch was trying to have a good day, like any other day of the week. His chores at home were mostly done, and now he just needed to head to the market to get the groceries for tonight's dinner. Tonight was going to be special, because his darling wife Toothiana just got a promotion to become a senior partner at the dental clinic, and as the breadwinner of the family, this meant they could splurge a little on the small things for this week. She now had part ownership of this popular dental clinic as an oral surgeon, and she couldn't be happier. This did mean she had increased hours at work, however with Pitch's support, she didn't have to worry about anything. As a househusband, Pitch's duties were to keep the house clean, raise their children, and support his wife as best he could. And seeing as how he never failed at anything he's ever done, he wasn't going to fail now!

Putting the vacuum cleaner away, Pitch pulled out his child harnesses and strapped his children in, Regina in the front and Damien in the back. He adjusted the hair scarf on his head that protected him from the dust, grabbed his reusable grocery bags he had knitted last year before the babies were born, and left the house, wallet and keys in his back pocket.

Pitch greeted their elderly neighbors with a smile and a wave as he headed towards the local market, making a mental list of what he needed for tonight. Daikon radishes, pork loin, carrots…what else-

"Hey! Boogeyman! How dare you show your face in our territory!" a hooligan yelled out from behind him. Pitch kept walking, ignoring them. "Hey, we're talkin' to ya!" One of the hooligans raced up to him and tried to grab his shoulder but Pitch evaded his grasp, smoothly turning to protect his children. He paused in his steps and glared at the man who approached him.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Pitch replied, bouncing a little to calm the suddenly crying Damien on his back, who was startled with the sudden movement. The hooligan looked surprised, as if he just noticed the two children strapped to Pitch. "I'm just a househusband, nothing more, nothing less. I'm on my way to the market to grab ingredients for dinner tonight. And if you delay me any longer, I won't have dinner done in time for my lovely wife to come home to. And then I'll have to get mean…"

Pitch saw the hooligan before him swallow thickly before looking back to his fellow men. At their mean mug expressions, he seemed to steel himself before looking back at Pitch, and he knew these guys would not let it go without a lesson.

The hooligan attempted to grab him again, this time reaching for Damien, and Pitch saw red.

Several minutes later saw Pitch a little away from where he had stood, bouncing in place to get both of his children in a good mood. Damien was still a little cranky, but Regina was giggling and clapping her hands. Several of the hooligans were on the ground, groaning in pain after the beatdown Pitch "The Boogeyman" Black had given them. Dusting his hands off and bending down to pick up his reusable grocery bags he had tossed to the ground when he decided to teach those boys a lesson, Pitch left to head towards the market, leaving the hooligans behind to clean themselves up.

He was unaware of the presence watching him from one of the rooftops across the way. Pitch paused at the stoplight crossing, waiting patiently for the light to turn red so he and the other pedestrians could cross. He got a tingle at the back of his neck, and Pitch looked around, to see if anyone was watching him or following him. He couldn't see anything, which meant either the people following him were absurdly good, or–

No, it was just Damien drooling on his neck. Pitch pulled a handkerchief out of his apron pocket and reached up to wipe away the drool from himself and his son, finishing just in time to move with the crowd across the street.

The grocery store trip was uneventful, and Pitch had run into several parents that were in the same Baby Tumbling Class that he and the twins went to every Wednesday. Miss Gloria with her chubby baby Reinhardt, Mister Louis with his two year old Angelica, and Mister and Missus Rodriguez, with their quadruplets Hailey, Bailey, Kailey and Todd.

And he thought twins were tough to manage on his own…

Pitch, thankfully, was really good at small talk, and was able to get his ingredients and socialize like a normal person who hadn't just beaten up five grown men several blocks away. He was no longer part of that life, so he would be the best retired mobster this side of the Atlantic ocean. It was just so hard though, when his past wouldn't stay in the past. He had been retired for almost two years now, deciding to cash in his investments as soon as Tooth announced she was pregnant. She had admitted to not wanting to give up her career, but she also didn't want to pay for anyone to raise their children away from their home. So Pitch did the only logical thing he could do and chose to retire himself, instead.

And truthfully, it was the best decision he could have made. His life expectancy increased by several decades, he got to raise his children, support his wife in her career aspirations, AND he got to see his family every night! What more could he ask for?

All too soon, he was paying for his groceries and packing them away in his reusable bags. His current task ticked off his list, Pitch gathered everything up and started back towards home. Thankfully the trip back was calm and uneventful, and Pitch was able to get the groceries put away and the twins down for a nap just as his 3pm soap opera came on.

Turning the kitchen tv on to watch "The Heart's Blazing Glory," Pitch started preparing dinner for when his darling wife returned home later that night. Expertly navigating around the kitchen and precisely slicing with his Wüsthof butcher knife, Pitch had all the ingredients chopped and ready by the first commercial break. Wiping his hands on his house apron, he took a moment to check in on the kids before tackling his next task. 5 o'clock would arrive soon enough, and Pitch wanted everything to be perfect!

Five o'clock rolled around and Pitch got a text from his darling wife telling him she was on her way home. Halfway bent as he fed their children, Pitch straightened to send a reply (with no less than three heart emojis and two kissy emojis), before plucking first Regina out of her high chair, then Damien, setting them on the floor of the living room with their soft blocks and coloring pages with all sorts of crayons in different colors. Pitch had already treated the wood floors with a sealant to protect the varnish from any spills, and he had bought a new thick rug specifically to keep the kids warm and to absorb any loose crumbs, liquids, and crayon bits.

Pulling the roasted pork loin out of the oven to let it rest a moment before cutting into it, Pitch put the final touches on the rice and roasted vegetables before serving them up on platters.

The sound of keys going into the lock and a door opening caught his attention, his hand automatically trailing to his trusty knife, but when that sound was followed by the sweet cooing voice of his wife and the twins' delighted screams for attention, Pitch relaxed a bit and put his butcher knife back down.

"Oh, Pitch! This smells amazing, thank you!" Tooth exclaimed as she entered the kitchen, already shoeless, clad only in her socks and her dental scrubs, those of which looked to have some blood stains on it from a patient today.

"Welcome home, my darling wife." Pitch greeted her with a kiss. "If you put those scrubs in the wash, I can get those stains out no problem," he added. Tooth looked startled before looking down, as if seeing the stains for the first time.

"Yeah, I had James McElroy in today. His gums always bleed profusely, everytime I have to do a root canal!" she complained before heading down the hallway to the bedroom.

"He must not floss much," Pitch replied, his hand going back to his butcher knife to start carving the pork loin. "Tooth, you have enough time for a quick shower before dinner, or I can draw you a bath after we eat, your choice," he called out, hoping his wife heard him as he started plating the sliced pork loin.

"I'll take the bath afterwards, but only if you join me after the twins go to bed," Tooth compromised as she hugged him from behind, and Pitch grinned widely at her. She let him go and sidled up next to him to take in the spread of food before them. "Looks good," she added absently.

"I can do that," he replied with a grin, noting that she had changed to just be in a tank top and body hugging leggings. "I cleaned the tub this morning so it's sparkly fresh."

"Oh you spoil me!" Tooth said with a laugh, and Pitch's free arm reached out and wrapped around her waist, bringing her in for a loving hug.

"Always have and always will do," he promised before kissing the top of her head. "Now, to celebrate your grand promotion to Partner of the Clinic! Here's to you, our salarywoman!" Tooth giggled in response.

"Here here!"