Chapter 58

That's Comedy!

At first, Eliza was a bit miffed. When Matiu made his way up to do his comedy skit, Alastor didn't leave. When did he decide to hi-jack the entire evening? It must have happened after he invited her to sit at his table, because she certainly seemed to be enjoying the evening alone. That being said, she was definitely enjoying it.

When Matiu saw that the summoning pad was still missing, he apparently decided that asking the Radio Demon for a microphone was a bad idea before turning around to walk right back off the stage. Evidently that wasn't allowed, as Alastor grabbed the mongoose by the tail and whirled him right back onto the stage. His shadow caught the sinner by the shoulder mid-spin, and suddenly they were in the middle of a Road Runner cartoon. Matiu did his best to escape the wendigo's grasp, but between the overlord and his shadow, the guy didn't stand a chance. And in the middle of it all: Jokes.

Alastor's jokes.

The first one was told when the shadow's grip on Matiu's shoulder made his fur stand up on end. "Why is being a vegetarian like being a prickly rodent?"

"Oh Christ, he's not…" Angel groaned.

"Because for pork, you pine!" The Radio Demon was the only one to laugh, but between himself and his stock audience, he didn't seem to mind in the slightest. When the mongoose suddenly found himself in the clutches of the man himself, he let out an involuntary squeak. "You said once that you were turned in by a hobo in life, correct?"

"Uh… yea. First time in jail. Why?"

The overlord scoffed. "This is why rodents don't make good criminals. Someone always rats them out!" When he delivered the punchline, he shoved the sinner off to the side for him to be caught by a different shadow than before. "What did the confident rodent say to the hesitant rodent? Just gopher it!"

There were several suppressed groans, though Niffty was giggling madly, Eliza was maintaining whatever dignity she could as his pride and energy were winning her over once again, and Angel was telling Alastor to get off the stage. Rodent jokes, criminal jokes, family jokes… the guy was having a ball. All of a sudden, the pornstar decided to throw a piece of paper at the stage, all the while shouting, "BOOOOO!"

Appearing behind him, Alastor leaned over his shoulder with his microphone just off to the side. "Why did the man return his new pair of spider-silk trousers?"

"Don't you -Beep- dare…"

Angel sat stunned for a moment as his swearing was unexpectedly filtered, allowing Alastor to continue unhindered. "They looked great, but the fly kept getting stuck!" The overlord shadow-stepped to the opposite side of the table when Angel gave a wild back-swing. "What do you call it when you have too many spiders in your house? A no-fly zone!"

The lights suddenly went dim, and Alastor's eyes flashed to dials as someone apparently had the gall to upstage him. Turning on his heel, he watched as the hotel's resident jester stood under a spotlight on stage with a microphone of his own, the phallic shape of which made Alastor's eye twitch. Matiu, who was still under the watchful eye of a shadow, suddenly found himself in the embrace of a wicked grin and a pair of glowing green eyes, the shadow being shoved back into the void. Before he had a chance to react, the jester suddenly spun him right off the stage, the mongoose stopping only when he reached his seat, which was knocked over with the dizzy sinner too dazed to get up.

"Well, well, well! Look at what we have here! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the man that killed comedy!"

No one dared to laugh as everyone turned to the Radio Demon, unsure what his response would be. Everyone that is, except for Eliza, who was already fighting the urge to laugh. She snorted. Painfully.

She had no idea she just caused the beginning of a one-night war.

"'Ladies and gentlemen?' Ha!" Alastor was behind the servant before anyone could register that he was no longer in the audience. "Spoken like a true copy trying to sound like some sort of ringleader!"

"Better a copy than a dead trend, am I right?" Fizz shot back. "There's a reason there are so many of me, and only one of you!"

"Because you can't copy perfection," the wendigo boasted, examining his nails. "The production of your line is due to your inability to please the crowd on your own."

"Everyone wants to take this for a spin," he retorted, swirling his finger around the microphone. To everyone's amusement and Alastor's irritation, instead of making a shrill, metallic noise, it made a lustful moan.

"Everyone except the one that matters."

When Alastor glanced at Eliza, the crowd let out a collective 'Ooo…' Fizz just cackled maniacally. "Oh, Red, are you jealous?"

"That you are repeatedly relegated to cleaning duty under orders to keep it to yourself?" he snipped.

"That I made her laugh first tonight." The two of them looked directly at her as Eliza's head tilted with a raised brow. The silent question was plain as day.

Are you?

Alastor's smile spread to just under his eyes, causing him to squint gleefully. "A challenge, then?"

Fizz's mechanism made a whirring noise. "A challenge? Sounds like a blast!"

When Alastor appeared next to Eliza, she stiffened slightly before noticing that his microphone was floating on stage, awaiting his return. However, her nerves weren't given a chance to settle when suddenly he bent down at the waist until he was eye-level with her. Even if she wanted to look away, she couldn't. "I propose that our dear therapist should exercise her best poker face yet! The first to make her laugh will be the winner!"

"I… what?" she asked blankly, unable to even contemplate fighting the light blush on her cheeks.

"And what will I get when I win?" Fizz sassed, blowing a kiss in her direction. However, she was too caught up in a staring contest with the wendigo to notice.

"She can decide my reward at the contest's conclusion," Alastor purred.

'Wait, wait, wait,' Id piped up in the silence of Eliza's otherwise frozen mind. 'We get to pick?'

'That's… surprising,' Superego noted. 'I'm amazed he didn't say the winner could choose a prize.'

'Probably because he knows what Fizz would ask for,' Id laughed.

'But he must be fairly confident that he'll win,' her lighter half argued. 'In which case he could ask for whatever prize he… Oh.'

Both voices asked in unison, 'Is this… a trust exercise?'

Putting on her sweetest icy mask, she noted how Alastor's eyes glowed excitedly before she even gave her answer. "Agreed."

Teleporting back to the stage, Alastor grabbed his microphone, gave it a twirl and announced, "Then we have a contest! For your enjoyment, the mighty Radio Demon and the degenerate clown doll, Fizzarolli!" Summoning a chair, both he and the jester gestured to it by throwing their arms out in its direction on either side. "Would our dear judge make her way to the stage?"

As soon as Eliza sat in that chair, Fizz fearlessly pressed his cheek to hers. "I knew you'd join me on stage."

"Thankfully the summoning pad is missing," she told him coolly. "I can only imagine what you'd try to do to make me laugh if it were available."

"Ha! You think I don't come with most of that equipped?" he asked, excitedly. "I'm built to fulfill all kinds of twisted fantasies." The long list that followed that statement made Vaggie nearly puke, and Angel was just calling out anything Fizz was forgetting.

"I can't tell if you're trying to make me laugh or trying to make everyone hate me," she teased, pointing to the guests that were glaring at her. "After all, advertising your 'wares' while under a no-sex rule certainly won't make me popular in Hell."

"Make sure you get your shots if he's ever released from that rule," Alastor sassed. "The rust must be a hellish nightmare!"

"Oh Red, don't be jealous," Fizz cooed. "I'll never be nearly as rusty as you." Turning to the audience, he asked snarkily, "Anyone else think he wears red just to cover it?"

The snickers in the audience only made Alastor's smile widen. "Being a gentleman in Hell is far more difficult than following the crowd, but of course how would you know?"

Angel gasped as the crowd kept snickering. "Holy shit, he can be funny!"

"Don't encourage him," Husk grumbled.

After another couple minutes of digging into each other, both comedians noticed that Eliza's stoic resistance was holding firm. Sharing a look, Fizz suddenly suggested, "Why don't we take this show 'on the road,' eh Red?"

"A wonderful idea!" he agreed.

The next thing everyone knew, Fizz's legs extended to make a giant summersault, landing between the princess and Vaggie. "Well, hello there, ladies!"

"I believe you are in the presence of a lady," Alastor quipped, grinning tauntingly at Vaggie. A loud Ooo sounded from the audience, and when the woman stood up with her fist held out, he laughed. "Do you know how a moth swims? Using the butterfly stroke!"

"Alright, dad jokes it is!" Fizz called out. "How many moths does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two if they can get in it in the first place!" The maniacal cackle that followed was joined with a rogue snort from somewhere in the room, as well as a couple snickers.

Shadow-stepping into the audience, Husk suddenly snarled when a pair of clawed hands started pinching his cheeks from behind. "Why did the cat ask for a drum set? To make some mew-sic!"

Putting an arm around Charlie's shoulder, Fizz put his cheek to hers. "What did the princess do when she got to the ball? She gagged!"

Shadow-stepping over to the other side of the room, Alastor snaked an arm around Vaggie's waist and pulled her to him, completely ignoring her struggles to get away. "Why did the moth go to the psychiatrist?"

To everyone's surprise, Eliza was the one that answered. "Because my light was on." Whether it was the nonchalant way she said it or just the surprise that she said it at all, the crowd actually started laughing harder as she smiled smugly at the two of them.

Both of their eyes flashed at the challenge, and they became relentless. Jumping around the audience, neither one committed to a pattern as they wanted to try catching Eliza off guard. There were a couple times both of them managed to make her strain to keep it in, but for the most part, she remained unmoved.

Then Alastor happened upon a subject he hadn't expected to be so effective. To everyone's surprise, Erpa suddenly appeared on the stage, sitting on the wood while checking her phone until suddenly realizing that she wasn't in her room anymore. Jumping up, she looked down at the shrink, who waved up at her from her chair with a sweet smile. Alastor then appeared and grabbed the demoness' opposite shoulder, her tentacles snapping out as she found her cheek pressed into the wendigo's pointy shoulder. "How many singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just the one. She holds it up-" his shadow grabbed one of her tentacles and lifted it up, "-and the world revolves around her!"

Spinning the sinner to the side of the stage, the shadow caught her only to push her onto the floor before disappearing. Partly for comedic effect, but also because they became distracted by Eliza, whose lips pressed together as her eyes widened. Raising an eyebrow, Alastor decided to move his jokes away from the audience and to a different subject entirely. "How do you get two oboes to play a minor second? Write unison!" When the therapist's eyes bulged again and her head dipped, he realized he was on the right track and ran with it.

Unfortunately, Fizz also figured it out and jumped on the band-wagon. "Hey Red, what do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?"

"Homeless!" he answered, gleefully. "How many conductors does it take to screw in a light-bulb?"

"Pfft, who knows?" Fizz answered with a shrug. "Nobody looks at him!"

The audience was starting to light up more and more, and Eliza was breaking down. Alastor continued, "What did the drummer get on his IQ test?"

"Drool. How can you tell when a singer is at your door?"

"They can't find the key and never know when to come in! What's the difference between a dead squirrel and a dead trombone player on the side of the road?"

"The squirrel was on his way to a gig!"

When Alastor glanced at Eliza, he saw her hand over her mouth as she was fighting tooth and nail not to laugh out loud. Fizzarolli's smile widened as he attempted to switch gears right then. "Hey, Angel! What do you call two people having sex?"

"A twosome," Angel answered with a smirk.

"What do you call three people having sex?"

"A threesome."

Cartwheeling over to Alastor, he pointed back with his thumb and said, "No wonder everyone calls this guy 'handsome!'"

The crowd erupted into laughter, Alastor merely scoffed, and Eliza… rolled her eyes? Looking down at her with a raised eyebrow, the wendigo noted that she looked more annoyed than amused, which surprised him. Had she wanted to stick to the musical side of things? Well, he could certainly oblige, but first thing's first.

"Well, Angel, since you're so keen on helping…" Snapping his fingers, Angel suddenly appeared next to Eliza on the stage, clinging to the seat of his chair as the shock took hold.

"What the -Beep-?!"

Eliza's hand smacked into her mouth to contain the laugh that nearly escaped her as Angel was once again filtered. Holding back was getting downright painful, now. "Now, now, none of that!" Summoning a paper in his hand, he grinned side-long at the pair of them before asking, "How can you tell the difference between a slut and a psychiatrist?"

"Lay it on me, daddy," Angel sassed.

Holding out the paper, he asked, "Read this word for me."

"Analyzed."

"Anal-yzed."

The therapist looked over at the pornstar her eyes huge as she watched Angel's face slowly morph into an expression of shock, staring forward as he held his arms in front of him. The spider looked like he was processing an unexpected death as he muttered, "I… I fuckin fell for it…"

Realizing that the dragoness was close to the breaking point by the tension in her shoulders, Alastor decided to throw caution to the wind and go for it. Whether he regretted this later or not, he was going to find out, because he took hold of Eliza's hand, pulled her out of her chair and twirled her until giving her a dip. Her face went black, and that's when he started with the jokes again. "How does a dancer multiply a number by itself? She Jazz-squares it!" Unable to hold it in any longer, she snorted painfully, and it didn't slow him down in the slightest. "What did the dancer feel after a long day of rehearsal? The agony of de-feet!"

The jokes kept coming, and eventually Eliza was practically crying as he had fun hopping around with her, unable to even be upset about him breaking the no-touch rule as she couldn't think of anything but how badly she needed to breathe, not to mention her ribs were killing her from all the laughter and physical exertion. After a few more jokes, Alastor released her from the spontaneous dance to sit in her chair and threw his arms in the air. "Now that's comedy, folks!"

When the lights brightened once more, Eliza was cradling her aching ribs and wheezing, Fizz was wailing, Angel was still in shock, and everyone else was clapping. Whether the applause was boisterous or reluctant, Alastor didn't care in the slightest.

He won.

"Wow, guys!" Charlie exclaimed, bounding up to the stage with a grin. "That was a great show!"

"But of course!" Alastor grinned. "After all, I am here to be entertained-" he shot an evil smirk to the audience, "and I can always create my own entertainment when necessary."

The unspoken threat made a few people gulp. "Well," Charlie began, "as long as it's just stuff like this, that shouldn't be a problem, right everyone?" No one bought that for a second, but the princess went on undeterred. "Well, I guess it's time to see what you won!"

When everyone turned to Eliza, she was petting the head of a sobbing jester who kept muttering things that made Alastor's hair stand on end. Specifically a list of rewards he would have liked to get. The therapist looked up after a moment when she realized she was suddenly the center of attention. "Oh, yes, I suppose… um…"

'Shit, what should we ask for?' Id piped up in a panic. 'Honestly, I totally thought Fizz would win.'

'What would Alastor even want?' Superego mused. 'There isn't much I could give him that he couldn't just get himself, and anything physical is out of the question.'

Alastor noted the blank stare she was sending his way and chuckled. "Do you need time to think on it, my dear?"

"I… yes," she answered after a beat of silence. "Honestly, Fizz would have been a lot easier to pick something for than you."

"I'm sure you'll come up with something," he told her. Then he reached out a hand for hers, placing a kiss on her knuckles before telling her, "You have until tomorrow night." Before Eliza could retract her hand, he decided to act on a different thought, yanking her onto her feet. Pulling her close, he snaked a hand around her waist as well as that of the princess, holding them flush to his sides as he announced, "And that's all for this evening folks! If you can't bring it upon yourselves to liven up the stage, perhaps I'll do this again, hahaha!"

Eliza's eye was twitching as the stage around her feet became coated with a creeping frost, and Alastor released her and her smiling boss to step forward with a bow before vanishing, shooting a mischievous smirk behind him at the dragoness as he disappeared into darkness.

When she walked all the way up to the top floor and knocked on his door, he didn't answer. Honestly, the therapist was fuming. Just what was he thinking, breaking their agreement? In front of everyone, too! Was there a loophole she didn't think about? No, it was a full-on no-touch-rule, and touch was touch regardless of clothing or otherwise. After all, even if she touched him with her garden gloves on, he'd still freak, so that couldn't be it or else she'd have permission to reciprocate. Isn't he a dealmaker? This is a terrible move for him to make!

There had to be something she was missing, but when she gave up and returned to her room, she couldn't think of anything else.

She'd ask him tomorrow night, when he came to receive his reward.

Eliza's plans for a restful last day off were thrown out the window before she even woke up that Sunday morning.

It had been a peaceful night up until the sound of an explosion shook the foundation of the hotel a little past 8, jolting her awake. As her bedroom didn't have a window, she rushed into the main space and stood next to the computer desk to see if she could find what was going on. At first, it seemed that there was just a great deal of smoke and darkness to the right, barely within sight but she couldn't see enough to make out what was happening. Curious, she opened the window and leaned out to get a better look.

A good portion of the city near them was obstructed from view, and she couldn't make out anything other than the silhouette of buildings. Curiously, the buildings looked as though something was wrapping around them, coiling like a snake until…

Flash!

Large spotlights lit up the haze, and once the smoke let up, the coils around the buildings seemed to come to life with bulbs of multi-colored light flashing on and off to appear as though traveling along some kind of… track?

Still unable to see fully what was happening but far too intrigued to go back to bed, Eliza considered just jumping out the window for a glide but thought better of it. Her last flight made the thought of using her wings rather unpleasant for the time being, especially considering how much dive-bombing an overlord hurt. Although the memory of Jorōgumo's splintered spider legs did make her smile.

That, and going out while still naked was probably not the best of plans.

Dressing up in a hurry, she collected herself before opening her door. Before she could even reach the door to the stairs, she heard the thunderous sound of a stampede and faltered. Apparently, hesitation saved her as the door suddenly burst open, a dazed Curio sprawled across the floor. She could practically see birds chirping over his head before he shook it violently. Looking around, the rodent saw her, paused, and then instead of returning to the stairwell, scrambled to the mezzanine before climbing over the rail and flopping to the floor in his hurry.

Unsure what she just witnessed, Eliza took one step towards the door before metal arms wrapped around her waist from inside, yanking her in and slamming the door. "There you are, boss! I thought you were outside already!"

Suddenly being carried down the stairs with no warning, Eliza waited until they got to the lobby to summon her wings and pry herself free of Fizz's excited embrace. Finally back on the ground, she stumbled slightly as she tidied up the messy mop on her head, not that it had been particularly neat in the first place. "Fizz! That is enough!"

"Oh, come on, boss!" the jester simpered, resting his head on her chest as he snaked an arm around her waist. "I just want to take you to the circus!"

"Fuckin' Mammon…"

The two of them looked over to see Husk pulling a Killroy over at the front desk, his flat stare settling on them after pulling away from the lobby door, which was wide open with a cloud of newly stirred dust outside. "Oh, hello there!" Eliza greeted, a wing popping out to shove Fizz to the floor so that she could walk around freely again. "Why are you hiding?"

"Just 'cause I can't die doesn't mean I want to be trampled," he grunted, slowly standing up. "Everyone goes nuts for this fuckin' circus."

"Is there a particular reason?" she asked, curiously.

Husk just raised an eyebrow. "You ain't Al; you can use the fuckin' internet."

"I'm taking a 'no spoilers' approach to the holidays," she told him. "It's no fun to research it online when I can find out organically!"

"Then I won't spoil it for you," the cat told her before chugging on a bottle. Walking around the counter, that bottle never left his lips as he slowly marched out the door, apparently meandering over to the circus as well.

As soon as the veteran disappeared, Fizz leapt up behind his master and wrapped her up in his arms again, nuzzling her hair. "Come on, boss, let's go! You'll love the circus!"

"Does it always arrive with an explosion?" she asked, watching warily as he twirled around to stand in front of her.

"Yep!" he cheered, grabbing her hand and bolting for the door, dragging her behind him. "Now come on; time to party!"

Wincing from the twinge in her ribs, Eliza ordered, "Fizz, sit!" When the jester's head crashed down into the dust, she tentatively put a hand over the mostly healed wound. It was amazing to think that, despite being in the land of eternal damnation, a wound that would have taken her out for weeks in life was now only a tender spot merely a week into recovery. Satisfied, she told the servant, "OK, you may get up, but no more dragging me around, got… it?"

The moment Eliza looked up, she truly saw the circus full-on for the first time, and it was the strangest thing she's ever seen. The tracks she had seen winding around the buildings were those of a roller coaster, tents lined the streets beyond an archway that hadn't been there before, and while the buildings were all still in their rightful places, there was visible damage on them from the explosion.

"What… How did…" Unable to form a coherent question as dozens went through her head all at once, she just stared at the instantly set-up madness before her. It looked chaotic, wobbly, utterly unsafe…

"It's fun!" Fizz exclaimed, throwing out his arms in the direction of Mammon's traveling circus. "Glorious, greedy fun for all sinners! Let's enjoy it while it's here; it never sticks around long!"

The therapist's eye twitched when one of the segments of the coaster track broke as a car full of people riding it went over, sending them crashing into one of the buildings.

Mercy.

Boom!

Alastor, currently sitting at a nearby outdoor café to enjoy his usual order of deviled eggs and read a paper, looked over at the cloud of dust and smoke between him and the hotel with a broad smile. Humming thoughtfully, he wondered what he would do to mess with the circus this year. One of his favorite pastimes there is to encourage the greed-driven mayhem and watch the carnage. No doubt the guests of the hotel were already crawling over each other to play the games, ride the rides and make off with as many tokens as possible.

Oh what fun!

Closing his newspaper, he threw it into one of the hungry bushes nearby, which shook it around before swallowing it whole, letting loose a loud belch.

"Excuse you," he chastised with narrowed eyes before walking through the restaurant and out the main door. He wondered what kind of deal opportunities he would have today; after all, Count Day is fast approaching. Everyone wants a shot at wealth and power, no matter how temporary.

The depression when a sinner loses everything for a chance at more is one of Alastor's favorite things to watch.

Author's Notes:

Just wanted to take a moment to thank you all for being wonderful, patient readers. You guys are the best! OK, moment over, hope you enjoyed the chapter!