Illusion is Reality

-Chapter 185-

I woke each of my kids softly that morning. I suppose I was in a quiet mood. I woke Maria and Sabrina (Soos and Melody's daughters) as well, though Sabrina needed help getting ready, so I was just holding her in my arms. Ford was still passed out in his bed when I first came. Spring was blooming outside and it was looking to be a beautiful day. I decided I would take the kids out to the forests for a nice hike today. I should ask Soos and Melody if I could take Maria and Sabrina too.

I was in my Xin form today, dressed in a simple maid uniform. It was very modest with not many frills. I got Sabrina set and put her in the high chair. I got breakfast cooking up for everyone when they finished getting dressed and washed. I like to wake my kids early so they got used to the schedule of early to rise and early to bed. Ford's an adult, he's responsible for his own schedule and I'll wake him if he has to be up for work and he hasn't gotten himself out of bed by the time breakfast was waiting.

I glanced up from plating (today I made rice with pan seared green beans, corn and fish) to see the kids filing in, rubbing their eyes and yawning. "Morning sleepyheads." Luxuria, Acedia, Gula, Invidia, Maria, Superbia and Vanagloria. "Where's Ava and Ira?"

Acedia huffed, "They're arguin' again." The other kids groaned, rolled their eyes or just grumbled about it.

I held back a sigh, "Alright, you guys eat first while I go handle this." I floated all the color coded plates over to everyone. As per usual, the twins' plate was one serving split into two, since they shared the same stomach.

I went to find my kids. Seriously, Avaritia and Ira were always fighting about one thing or another. They just couldn't seem to get along. I just couldn't understand. I… would like for them to get along. It was… frustrating that they didn't. I tried to figure out what the two had against each other, I tried to talk to them. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I could already hear the two of them screaming as I approached.

"Ok you two, break it up please." I reached over to seperate them. "What's going on?"

Avaritia, face flushed and angry tears in his eyes, responded first. "Ira hit me!"

"Nah uh! You pushed me first!"

"You were both hitting each other when I came." I pointed out. "Come on, it's breakfast time." Wasn't gonna scold or punish them, because getting them to eat was more important. The two glared at each other, but allowed me to herd them to the kitchen. Everyone else was already seated at the baby table, low to the ground and incredibly cute. I even made froggy chairs for everyone!

Avaritia and Ira were still fuming, but they were also hungry. So they sat down on their chairs (which I've preemptively positioned on opposite sides of the table) and grumpily ate their rice and fish. Maria rolled her eyes at them, but didn't say anything otherwise.

I went to help Sabrina eat, she was still on food mush, and was more interested in splattering it everywhere than actually eating it. I was slowly adding more flavor to her food to get her used to it, of course I've asked Melody and Soos first. They were fine with that, we were pretty much raising all our kids together after all.

I also took this time to try and See what caused the fight this time. Avaritia was running through the hall to get to breakfast and had bumped into/shoved Ira because she was in his way. I couldn't tell if it was purposeful or if he hadn't even thought of it. I didn't really understand my kids sometimes… most times, really.

I wanted to understand why Avaritia behaved the way he did. Was I doing something wrong? I must be. But what? Am I not giving him enough love and attention? He was always starting fights. Especially over things he had to share. Perhaps he doesn't like sharing everything with his siblings, but learning to share is super important! And I do make it clear they have certain things that belong to them alone, which don't have to be shared if they don't want. They have their own clothes, their own beds, their own bath and face towels, toothbrushes, some toys are theirs alone too. I got everyone their own little desk in their rooms with their own supplies. Everyone had the same box of 32 color pencils, packs of writing pencils, erasers, craft scissors, etc. Sure, their writing pencils and erasers are different because I showed them a list of options for different designs and they chose which ones they wanted. Acedia and Luxuria wanted Those Little Ponies themed stationery. Avaritia wanted Bad Dreams before the Winter Holiday themed stationery. But even though I had everyone choose their own, and all of them had the same amount of stuff, he would still steal a pencil from the other's sometimes and start a huge fight.

I mean, the others didn't always get along. Gula liked to steal food from her siblings if she finished first and was still hungry, which led to fights. Vanagloria and Superbia sometimes fussed with each other when they wanted to do different activities, but they were gonna have to work through that themselves. Luxuria got incredibly upset and irritated when people were being too loud and active around them, which is why I made another section of their playroom for 'Quiet' activities. And don't even get me started on how they fought over the tv. With my kids, plus Maria and Sabrina, there were ten children in this house and everyday was a battlefield. I'm trying my best, I really am, I swear. But I'm not gonna give them all their own tablets, because they're way too young to be left in front of a screen in lieu of parenting. When they were ten, they'll get their own tablets for schoolwork, games and shows, until then, they had to learn to share.

Like our video game systems. Mainly that belonged to Soos, and he didn't mind sharing. But the fights I've seen over that poor GameStation were horrific. Though that one I could at least understand. Perhaps once they're older and have shown they're capable of sharing, I could see about getting them a personal handheld game system. And once they're in middle school, they'll get their own laptops…

Was it a little hasty to be planning this all already? They were turning three soon. But it felt important.

"爸爸! Tou ngo!" I came out of my thoughts, having been feeding Sabrina on autopilot. I glanced over at the kid's table. Gula had finished and was still hungry. She was part dragon, I should keep that in mind, but I couldn't just give her a larger portion because her widdle stomach was still small and actually couldn't eat as much as she wanted. No, she needed something different.

I reached up to my head and snapped off a small piece of my antlers. I winced at the sharp pain of it, but it was just an inch from the tip, it'll regrow super fast. I handed it to her and she thanked me, as I taught her to, and began to suck on it like a piece of candy. I gave her a piece around once a week. Dragons fed on magic, if they couldn't generate enough of their own. Gula did generate Weirdness, all my kids did, but unlike the others, she, as a growing dragon, specifically needed a supplement.

Avaritia, thankfully, didn't protest this special treatment. He'd tried before, and found that he didn't like the taste of my antlers. The taste of blood and bone didn't agree with him. Too bitter.

I took this time to look over at how everyone was eating. Luxuria was sort of pushing their food together into a mash, amazing how they managed that with chopsticks. Invidia was nearly done, so was Acedia. Avaritia was halfway done, as was Ira. Vanagloria and Superbia were struggling a little, rather, Superbia was. "Do you want some help Erbia?"

She shook her head, holding her chopsticks shakily and carefully picked up a piece of green bean. A very cute determined glare was on her face. Good luck Erbia. I'll be cheering you on.

"Morning~" Melody yawned as she came in. "Oh, they're almost done." She blinked at the kids. Maria and the others who finished were already bringing their dishes to the mini trash to scrape off any food bits they didn't finish, and then putting dishes in the sink and rinsing them off. They didn't need to wash them, but at least wet it to make it easier to wash later. Once they were older I would teach them to wash properly.

Yes I know I could use the dishwasher, but I'll do that myself after everyone was done eating. I liked to put all the bowls and plates in a specific order. No I don't have a problem, what are you talking about?

"Thank you for making breakfast, Xin." Melody gave me a grateful smile. "I just couldn't wake up this morning." She groaned.

I tilted my head, my antler stinging a little from where I broke it. "You're working yourself too hard, I think. Didn't you run a double shift at the shack because Soos was busy with something?"

"Well, I guess that is a bit much." Melody hummed. "Maybe we should hire someone to run the gift shop…"

"Don't look at me, I swore I was never doing customer service again." I groaned. She giggled, "Don't worry, I won't. But I'm sure there are some teenagers who'd like to make some money part time."

"Good idea, though… what are we gonna tell them about… me?"

"Well, you're a dragon, and you're dating Dr. Pines." Melody giggled. "I'm assuming you want to keep the fact that you, Yun and… I think the other one was William, are the same person, a secret, yeah?"

"Oh, so you know?"

"It's pretty obvious once I got over the idea of how it shouldn't be possible. But… magic, right?" Melody raised an eyebrow. "Frankly, I don't really care what's up with you and your… er… other yous, but clearly, all of you love Dr. Pines and the kids, so I'll keep quiet if you want."

"Thanks Cadenza." I felt strangely warm at that.

Melody raised an eyebrow, "Caden- that's what Miz called me…" She trailed off. "Hang on… is Miz also…"

I sighed. "I am currently Xin. I'm a male dragon. I am a shapeshifter. I am also genderfluid. And as such, I will sometimes change what I am depending on my mood." I didn't worry about the kids listening in, they kinda tuned out 'grown up' talks. "And… well… as a shapeshifter, I can also decide what physical age I wanna be…"

Melody's hand flew to her mouth. "You're also Miz?" She visibly shook herself, "Sorry, that's… er… how does that work?"

I shrugged, "I'm billions of years old. After a while, making and playing at different personas was just… a way to pass the time. Miz was actually the first form I created when I learned to build a body without a base. I was very young back then, relatively speaking. I was actually millions of years old, but I spend most of tgat time in a daze, just watching time pass while unable to interact with anyone, so I don't know how that counts."

"This conversation is going into far deeper territories than I thought." Melody chugged the rest of her coffee.

"I can stop."

"No, this is interesting. Just… give me a moment." Melody got up to refill her coffee. "So you had a child form, and then made adult forms when you grew up?"

"You could put it that way."

"So… do you keep the child form for when you want to feel like a kid again, or?"

I shrugged. "It was my default for a long time. And if I look like a kid, I can get away with a lot of stuff. Though, I've been making Miz age while I'm living here so she's gonna be a grown up eventually." Because I have to grow up eventually. But what the hell is growing up, and tell me, when will I be~?

Melody snorted. "I can't blame you for wanting to be a kid again. Being a grown up is the worst."

"You just wanna ride tiny trains." I grinned.

"Yes, how'd you know?"

"Magic." I made jazz hands.

"Still cool that dragons are real… actually, if you're a shapeshifter, what species are you for real?" She seemed genuinely interested.

"Well, I was a Triangle alien from another dimension, then my body was destroyed and I was just a being of pure energy. So I learned to build a physical vessel to pilot around in order to interact with people physically. And since I built this vessel from scratch, I can alter it as I need. Thus, shapeshifting. But I guess… in terms of species, I'm technically still a Triangle?" I had to add something real quick, "There was another of my kind who came here to Gravity Falls years ago. He tried to take over, lots of people were hurt or killed. And unfortunately, my Triangle form looks nearly identical to him. So I don't take my 'true form' around here in public."

Melody blinked. "Wait, really? When?"

"That same summer you first met Soos." I could see her wondering why Soos never told her, "The mayor made a law forbidding anyone from ever talking about it. But I am not a citizen, nor do I choose to follow this law."

"Still feels pretty important." Melody chewed on her breakfast. "Wait, am I gonna be in trouble now that I know?"

"Only if you talk about this in public with anyone. But Fordsie gave me protection rights over the Shack so it's safe in here, the outside can't see or hear in, unless I allow it." I leaned forward, wagging my tail slowly. Ahhh~ how nice, being allowed to secure Ford's house.

"So… you like… anti-spied the place?"

"Pretty much." I tilted my head, sending a quick scan outside. "Especially with the idiots who can't take a hint."

Melody stilled. "We're being spied on?"

"They're after me, from what I can tell, they don't want to harm any of you. I worry for my kids though." Then I grinned wide and clapped my hands. "So! I was thinking of taking all the kids on a hike through the woods today!"

The look on Melody's face was priceless.

"Didn't you JUST say it was–"

"I'll have protection spells." I waved off, "Frankly, I'm getting annoyed at these guys. If they won't take a hint, I'll go to them myself."

"That feels needlessly dangerous, and frankly, I don't want you involving my kids, or yours, in this… bait."

I blinked. She was serious. That glare wasn't angry though, just firm. "Whatever you want out of your stalker, don't get the kids involved. Ok?"

I sat and thought about it. "...you're right." I rubbed my face. "I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted. Please be more careful in the future. Even if you think you can keep them safe, better not to risk it. Not with your own kids, and not with other people's kids."

"Right." I groaned. "I do want to take the kids on a hike though, unrelated to baiting the guys trying to come after me."

"Who are they?"

"Secret Government agents who are supposed to find, capture and possibly kill, extraterrestrial life and other 'unnatural' creatures."

Melody sighed. "Can't have a normal life here, huh?"

"Sweetie, this is Gravity Falls."

"'Course." She rolled her eyes.

I giggled before getting up to finish washing the dishes, since the kids had all finished eating by now and had already run off to the playroom. Soos and Ford stumbled in too, greeting us and grabbing their own breakfasts. I shook the water off my hands and walked over.

"Hey sleepyhead. You're late today~" I poked Ford's cheek before leaning in and kissing his nose.

"I was up late." Ford rubbed his eyes. "Struck by an idea. Had to draft it out."

"Mhmm…" I went back to continue the dishes. "A new project?"

"Yup! I'll need to ask you about a few things."

"No prob." I shook the excess water off a plate and put it into the drying rack. Didn't need to use the dishwasher if I used soap to wash everything myself, and dipped the plates into the side sink of lightly bleached water. I modified the sink to make it into three sections. The leftmost sink was hot soapy water. The middle sink was for rinsing the soap off. The right sink was the bleach solution for sanitizing. A leftover habit from my days working in the food industry and needing to wash stuff. It also saved so much water, and saved electricity since I wasn't running the dishwasher.

Also! Bleach water was perfectly safe, as long as you dilute the bleach with water. I like to go for one tablespoon of bleach per one quart of water, though I tend to eyeball it instead of measuring. Either way, it made cleaning so much easier.

And I thought of what to do. I wanted to take the kids on a hike through the woods. I also wanted those guys outside to go away. I could split myself into William and Xin, have William lead the men (man, actually, they only sent one guy today) away and then take the kids hiking in the opposite direction. That'll work. I explained this to Melody. She sighed, "Be careful."

Ford looked back and forth between us, "Xin, don't go putting yourself in danger–"

"I'll be ok. This is my problem, I'll deal with it."

"You don't have to do this alone, I can come with you."

"You have work."

Ford scowled. "That's not the important thing here, and you know it."

Sure I did. But that didn't mean I didn't want to handle this by myself. I sighed. "I don't want you getting in trouble and potentially putting your career at risk." I said finally. "If you attack a government agent, they could try to pin some legal bullshit on you. But if William is the one they're facing, well, William doesn't legally exist as a US citizen." unlike Yun, Miz and Xin, whom I asked Rico to help me make identity papers for.

"...I just want you to be careful, ok?"

"I will. Besides, I'm gonna be splitting myself, so if anything happens, I'll just self-destruct William and rejoin mySelves."

"...would that hurt?"

"It's not as painful as you'd think."

"Xin!"

"Look, what do you want me to do?" I finished the dishes and came back over to sit heavily. "I don't want to kill people here if I can avoid it."

Melody looked nervous. Soos just shrugged, "Look dude, Dr. Pines is just worried you're gonna get hurt. Also, dunno if killing those dudes will stop their bosses from sending more dudes."

So I'll have to take them out from the source. Then again, they weren't exactly evil. They just wanted to protect the Earth. I suppose I could just talk to them and tell them I don't plan to harm the Earth… not that they'd believe me. That malevolence I felt from the men didn't give me much hope for that. They just wanted to take me apart. They've already decided I was a threat, before they even spoke to me. Before they even knew anything about me.

Which was familiar. This wasn't new. This is how most people treated me. It's fine, not fine, but fine. I should be fine with it. I should be used to it to the point I wouldn't care anymore.

But I wasn't ok. It still pissed me off. It still felt unfair. I was so childish to get so worked up about this. I shouldn't. It shouldn't matter. I just–

Whatever. I allowed the feeling to trickle away, converted into a small orb that I proceeded to purge of all emotion, leaving nothing but pure energy. I then handed it to Ford. "Oh right, here."

"You can't distract me with energy orbs to make me not worry about you."

"Worth a shot." I still placed the orb on the table. "Fine, I will be very careful, and I'll leave the vessel before I self-destruct it so I won't feel it."

Ford sighed. "Are you sure I can't come with you?"

"You could get hurt." I stressed. "And if anything happened to you, I won't be able to give them mercy."

Ford rolled his eyes. "Alright. Fine. But maybe… call me. Keep me on the line so I can at least hear what's going on."

Alright, I'll take that compromise. "Fine."

"Thank you." Ford looked genuinely relieved. I looked away, feeling uncomfortably hot. "Anyway, I have some work to do, so I'll see you later." I waved and left the room. I split off another me as William.

"I'll deal with the guys outside, then?" I asked myself. Not because I needed to ask and answer, but it felt nice to say it aloud to get my thoughts in order. I nodded, saying good bye to the other me as I made my way outside. What were they thinking?

Here we can see a wild ECU (Extraterrestrial Containment Unit) agent crouched in the bushes with very bad camouflage. Look at him as he continues fruitlessly staring at a building he cannot get near, as every time he tries to come within a few dozen yards of the place, he is struck by a sudden feeling of going the wrong way, and would wander away from said property. Watch as he adjusts his binoculars and continues peering into the windows like a peeping tom. He cannot see what is truly behind those windows, for all he can see when he looks through them, is a wild orgy happening between a colorful group of clowns.

Watch as this ECU agent flushes but continues to move the binoculars around, hoping desperately that there was anything besides a clown orgy happening in that house he was observing. Some would think the sheer embarrassment of it all would get him to give up, but alas, they are a stubborn species.

Watch as he adjusts his crouched position into something more comfortable for long term sitting as he–

Shit man. This dude's getting into it?!

"Are you seriously doing that right here?!" I couldn't stop myself from blurting out. The agent jumped, managing to keep quiet as he spun in place, free hand leaving his crotch and going for his gun. Unfortunately he was too late, I'd swapped his gun out for a toy of the same shape and weight the moment I arrived.

I was sitting midair, dressed up in a snazzy suit and top hat. Gotta have nice attire when you're confronting a potential threat. I had my cane laying across my lap. "I mean, not to kink shame, but you're in the middle of a job, aren't you?" I tutted, "So unprofessional."

He had his gun out now, pointed steadily at me. He pulled the trigger. Wow. Seriously? Goes straight to violence. I watched as his expression went from determined alert to confusion as his gun didn't let out the nice BANG that he wanted.

Instead, it let out a long, drawn out farting sound while bubbles streamed from it. I cackled, the look on his face!

"Ahahhaaa– sorry, not sorry, oh man that was hilarious!"

"What did you do, alien?" He narrowed his eyes, dropping the toy and getting into a more defensive stance.

"I confiscated it. No offense dude, but I didn't wanna be shot at while trying to talk." I leaned back in midair. "Sooooo~ I suppose we might as well make introductions since you clearly didn't take the hint to just leave me well enough alone~" I twirled my cane, straightening out to stand. I remained in the air so I could look down at him. Because this damn bitch was taller than me and I wasn't happy 'bout that. "I'm William, it's not quite nice, but not too bad, to meet you!"

"There's no way that's your real name."

"Sure it isn't! But it's much easier on you if I use a familiar sounding name." I giggled. "Honestly though, why're you here? I don't like peeping toms."

"I don't have to tell you anything." he glared.

"I know you're part of the ECU. And I know you're trying to either capture me or kill me, both of which I'm not all that happy with." I twirled my cane again. "I'm just here to tell you formally to leave me alone. I'm not planning on invading the Earth, or destroying the world or any of those things your organization thinks 'aliens' do. I will occasionally play harmless pranks on people, or not so harmless pranks if people attack me." I explained.

He didn't seem all that reassured. "Is that a threat?"

I rolled my eye. "Would that make you leave me alone? Seriously dude, just don't mess with me. I'm not harming anyone and I'll only be harming people to defend myself if they attack first."

But nope, he just seemed to get more determined and convinced that I was a threat. Considering how emasculated the US military felt after McGucket began cutting their budget to divert taxes towards the public health and education system, I couldn't help but wonder if perhaps this department was feeling some need to have an alien threat just to 'prove' that the government should keep funding the military.

Well, I mean~ perhaps they were suspicious that McGucket managed to get reforms and budget cuts to go through. I've seen how much of a damn struggle it was for ANYTHING to be done because people are too busy trying to undermine each other to vy for their own position and power. I've seen that with the Federation, which was why it took an average of ten years for anything to be done.

But it's not like I've done anything super disruptive here, I mean, it's not like I've been using dreams to educate the population and subconsciously manipulate people into realizing certain things were stupid and illogical– it's not like I've taken in the entire homeless population and given them shelter and stability and assigned Care Units to help them get back on their feet and built supportive communities on the thousands of Islands I've hidden throughout the planet to give people the space and time to live for themselves and also freedom to go and vote now that they didn't have to worry about their time and being fired for trying to take hours off or–

It's not like I've Cursed the planet to make every bullet fired from a gun towards a child to get redirected non-lethally back into the hands and legs of the person who shot it–

It's not like people have started to notice something strange going on around the world or anything– oh wait yes, they have noticed things being strange, ok yeah I'm not as subtle as I could be. But at least Uncle Ax hasn't noticed what I've been doing, and that's the only one I'm worried about.

I wondered if I should just ignore these guys then? So long as they can't come near my family, it should be–

A loud bang startled me.

Though, to be honest, the burning pain in my chest startled me more. Oh wait, I guess this doesn't count as startled? Wow. I was really lost in thought if I hadn't noticed the second dude sneaking up behind me with his gun. Hehehe. My bad~ I probably should have put a shield up. Oh, I feel dizzy…

Oh noooo~ I'm lying in the grass! Ew~ I wanna get up before any bugs crawl on me, but I can't quite move. I wonder if I'm in shock? I guess it's been a while since I've actually gotten hurthurt in a way that wasn't self inflicted? Ah… it's not as painful as I thought to get shot through the chest. I suppose if I'm comparing it to tearing my own body limb from limb, this type of pain really doesn't compare. Heck, it's not even as bad as burning internally for a few million years. Still, I should probably get off the ground before the bugs decide to test their luck. Jokes on you assholes! I'm burning anyone who crawls on me! Especially the ticks. Ick.

I struggled a little, feeling my chest knit back together, even as my blood continued pooling out under me. Frankly, I'm surprised they haven't shot me a second or third time while I was lying here. I spasmed, one of my arms clawing at the dirt as I pushed myself up. Bleh, There's grass in my mouth! Ewwww! I coughed, tasting the bitter tang of my blood. Double eww. I continued hacking up blood, spitting and trying to get my throat to clear. I could hear more blood splattering down as I moved. My arms shook, I was kinda dizzy. But I was healing, and I closed my eye to cough a few more times. "Well… I suppose you have chosen violence…"

I gave them a chance. I did. I was gonna just talk. I swear I was trying to just resolve this peacefully. Removing his weapon from his person wasn't hostile, was it? Was it really that bad that I deserved to be shot? The guy went for my chest, so was I supposed to assume that was meant to be lethal? If they really wanted to kill me, wouldn't he have gone for my head? Or maybe he shot me in the chest 'cause it was a bigger target? I coughed up another mouthful of blood before I managed to push myself into a seated position. Still, as much as it hurt to get shot, it didn't kill me, so it's not a big deal. I'll heal. I wiped the blood from my lips on the back of my hand. "So–" My voice croaked and I coughed again, feeling my innards shift as they finished healing. "So." I repeated, less strained. "What were you trying to accomplish there?"

I glanced over at the two agents. They'd been so nice to be quiet and not bother me while I healed. Sure, they were being restrained, but it was still nice of them to not escape while I was distracted. (Though they were trying very hard to do so.)

"Mmmmpph!" The guy I was originally talking to screamed through the gag in his mouth. And by gag, I mean tentacle. Look, not gonna knock on a classic. Several tentacles grew out from my blood on the ground. They were quite lucky I had my powers set to attack me if I lost concentration on them. And I was lucky that the externally given wound had gotten my powers to focus on healing me instead of attacking. Also, even through the shock and pain, I had enough of my wits about me to send my powers to restrain (without harming) my attackers. So my blood turned itself into tentacles instead of Nightmares, which… is a much better result than what would have happened…

The guy who shot me was restrained and gagged as well. His gun was torn from his grip and crushed. He seemed quite angry about that. Well dude, I'm sure having the tentacles crush the gun while you were still holding it would have been much worse for you. I rubbed my chest, there was a hole in my suit! How dare they?! I pouted at that. "I wanted to do this diplomatically." I told them. "I was hoping to avoid violence." I had my tentacles move them and force them into kneeling positions in front of me. "So… what am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to react to you choosing violence first?"

I ungagged them, the tentacles sliding out of their mouths with a wet sound. They coughed and gagged. "Well?" I crouched down to be eye level with them. Their hands and feet were bound behind them, another tentacle squirmed up their shirt and wrapped around their waist and chest. "What do you think I should do in response to being shot by you?"

"Die, preferably." The guy who shot me muttered.

"Good luck with that." I laughed. "I heal fast. But seriously, should I respond in kind? Is this what I should take as the proper response you humans want from me? I tell you that I don't plan to harm anyone, and you shoot me. So… what am I supposed to take from this?" I poked the guy who shot me on his chest, same spot where that bullet went through my own. "Do you want me putting a hole in your chest too?"

"If you're gonna kill me, just do it. You extraterrestrial freaks are all monsters." The guy spat. Literally spat. I shuddered as it almost hit me.

Fuck this.

I slapped him across the face. "Did you never learn manners?! Who the fuck spits on someone?! That's so gross!" I straightened up, so at least if he tries to spit again, he won't get it in my eye. "Honestly, I don't want to kill you. But what am I supposed to do here?" Uuuuuhhh…

"Let us go?"

"What?" I slammed my cane into the ground right between his legs, dangerously close to his unmentionables. "So you can continue to spy on me and shoot me from a distance? No. You attacked me first. I can't just let you go!" I let out a frustrated sound before I gagged them again. Normally, I would just kill them. But they're human. And while mommy said I can kill in self defense, that's for when I'm out in space. And also, that shot he made on me wasn't gonna kill me, since I can't die, so where does that leave me? I'm not hurt anymore, he didn't succeed in killing me. I'm probably not allowed to kill him back.

I began pacing back and forth, muttering under my breath. "Can't kill them. Can't let them go. If I imprison them, their bosses will just send more people, who would be even more hostile since their men never came back…"

And then I stopped. Oh right. I forgot to call Ford! I pulled out my Com and hummed to myself. "Do~do~do~ yellow~" I rubbed at my shirt, the rest of my blood peeling off and flopping to the ground as tentacles. "What do I do with the agents if they shoot me? Like… do I shoot them back, or slap them around or what?" (Muffled protests from the men. They seriously seem to think I'm gonna kill them and that really upset them. Hmph. If you have the intention to kill others, you have no right to be upset when others try to kill you too, you know? Ok, being upset is the general response to being killed, I guess, but they shouldn't act so surprised!)

[Wait, they shot you?!]

"I'm fine. They're restrained and I destroyed their guns."

[Th– ok, William, what's going on, please give context.]

"Ok so, I went up to say hi, introduced myself, told him that I wasn't here to invade the Earth or whatever. I mean, imagine how much work that would be, I'm a goddamn college student, and mother of nine, I have way more important things to deal with than world domination."

[...nine?] Was THAT the part he focused on?!

"Ammy, my firstborn." I deadpanned.

[Oh right, yes. Sorry. Ok. Continue, you told them you're not here to take over the world.]

"So I'm just telling them this, and then out of nowhere, one guy shoots me, don't worry I'm fine, it wasn't a serious wound, I've already healed." Not a lie, a serious wound would be if they took out my head or eye. Shooting me in the chest doesn't really mean much since I don't have a heart. I sat down on one of the larger tentacles. They weren't connected to my body, though I suppose I could absorb them back into myself if I needed to.

I picked up one of the smaller tentacles and popped it in my mouth. Hm. Like a bitter gummy worm.

[...how big was the wound?]

"Not all that big, already healed. But I have a hole in my shirt and that sucks." I rolled my eye.

[I thought you were going to call me and keep me on during the whole confrontation?]

"I forgot." My deadpan was dry as bleached bone.

[...]

"I seriously forgot ok?!" I puffed out my cheeks. "Now can you tell me what to do with these guys or not?!"

[Can I talk to them?]

Uuuugh…. Ford, quit trying to get yourself in trouble! You've got your whole career in front of you! Think about yourself! Doesn't matter if you're best friends with the president! Fiddles still has rules he has to follow because he's not a fucking moron! "No, you're gonna get on their hit list if you do that."

[Either you let me talk to them, or I'm going to go there in person.]

Uuuuuughhhhhh…

I put my Com on speaker mode and turned back to the struggling men. "Hey, my boyfriend wants to talk to you." They gagged and coughed when I pulled the tentacles out of their mouths again. "...maybe I should gag you with something else…" I muttered.

[What was that?]

"Oh, I've got them restrained and gagged with tentacles."

[...are you doing hentai on them?]

"What?! No! Why would I– eww!"

[Tentacles!]

"They're good for restraining people! Tentacles aren't ALWAYS for hentai!"

[Not according to all the anime you've shown me–]

"THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW!" I screeched, feeling myself burn at how embarrassing it was for everyone to be hearing this conversation. That expression the men were giving me wasn't making it any better–

Lust

I turned and snarled at one of the agents, "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TURNED ON BY THIS!?" First the clowns, now this?!

He had the decency to look away. His partner was giving him horrified looks.

"...maybe I really should kill them…" I was starting to get a headache.

[No don't! Oh for the love of Tesla–]

...what was I even doing anymore?

...