"Okay... Some mummy dust... Five chopped bananas... A warthog's tears... The cat's pajamas..."
Oblivious to everything going on outside her cabin, Oona was finishing up the antidote that would cure John Martin of his strange were-child condition. She dumped ingredients into a bubbling cauldron sitting on a small hotplate on her dresser.
"So," the green-faced old man in the tuxedo and cape leaned over her shoulder. "How's it comin'?"
"I think it's almost done, Count!" She smiled at the old man. "Thanks for loaning me the mummy dust!"
"Hey, no problem!" He waved it off. "I know what it's like to be stuck without ingredients! One time, my idiot son-in-law drank up all my serpent's milk! That stuff's hard to get! I can only work with the imported stuff!"
"Lemme check the list..." Oona looked at her watch tablet.
"It took WEEKS for a fresh batch to arrive from Transylvania! I had to substitute gargoyle milk, which just ain't the same! When I tried to turn a frog into a prince, the best I could get was a Grand Duke!"
Oona read over the recipe. "Mummy dust, blah, blah, blah, a seedless raisin..." She dug around in her pocket, produced a raisin, and tossed it into the brew. "And finally, to make it jell, a thunderbolt to mix it well..."
Oona looked around for something she could use. The Count stepped forward.
"Allow me!"
He gestured dramatically at the cauldron. Lightning jumped from his fingertips and electrified the brew. It hissed and crackled and bubbled, then turned a deep ruby red.
"Yep! That should do it!" She tapped her watch tablet twice to make the screen disappear, then shook the Count's hand. "Thanks again, Count!"
"Don't mention it!" The old Count smiled. "Us mad scientists gotta stick together, y'know!"
"Um, yeah," Oona looked a bit uncomfortable. "I... kinda prefer the term eccentric..."
"Eh! Semantics!" He gathered up his cape and headed for the door. "But if you're still interested in a boyfriend, I've got a grandson about your age! Not really into girls yet, but I'll bet he'll be a real wolf someday! Just like his Grampa!"
Oona smiled politely.
"Well, bye! Lemme know if you need anything else!" The old Count exited, closing the door behind him.
Oona turned her attention back to the cauldron.
"Hooo-kay! Now all I gotta do is crystallize this stuff into powder, turn the powder into pills, then give the pills to Mister Martin, and his troubles will be over!"
Suddenly, there was an enormous jolt and the whole ship shook. Oona grabbed the cauldron just in time to keep it from toppling.
"Whoo!" She gasped. "Lucky thing that didn't spill! I'd never be able to put together another batch of that stuff before..."
There was another jolt, harder this time. The cauldron lurched precariously.
#
The Love Boat crew stared up in amazed horror.
Cruise director Julie McCoy screamed.
"Good Lord..." Isaac the bartender gasped.
"What is that thing?" Gopher the yeoman purser shrank back.
"It's some sort of sea monster!" Captain Stubing exclaimed.
The one-eyed, tentacled monster towered over them, shrieking balefully and gnashing its teeth.
"It's a Hydraclops!" Oswald explained. "Possibly the most dangerous monster Odd Squad has ever faced!"
"Can you stop it?" Doc Bricker asked anxiously.
"We can try," a determined Omar scowled up at the huge, tentacled, one-eyed beast.
Osmerelda swallowed hard. "Do we even have a gadget for that?"
"Gadgets cannot defeat the Hydraclops!" Orla intoned. "We must use our wits!"
"Don't worry, guys! I can handle this!" A tween girl with goggles and a homemade superhero costume charged past them.
"Wait," Oswald said. "Who...?"
"That's Star Blossom! And she's awesome!" A woman said from a nearby deck-chair. "I should know! I'm her mother!" She sipped a fruit smoothie. "Yeah, I'm awesome too! Check out my blog, Imstarblossomsawesomemom!"
"Awesome or not, she needs to take care!" Orla warned. "The Hydraclops is a dangerous adversary!"
Omar glared at the mom in her deck chair. "Shouldn't you be helping her?"
"She knows what she's doing!" insisted the mom.
Star Blossom's stride slowed as she got a good look at the enormous creature.
"I'm... pretty sure I know what I'm doing..."
Star Blossom seized the railing and held on for dear life as the monster shook the ship in the water like a toy.
"Don't get discouraged, baby!" The mom shouted from her deck chair. "Go for it!"
Star Blossom nodded and gestured. Flower-covered vines erupted from nowhere around the Hydraclops' body, entangling him.
"Okay..." Beads of sweat appeared on the girl's forehead. "That seems to be working... Just gotta keep piling it on..."
With a great, convulsive effort, the monster tore itself free. One of its tentacles struck Star Blossom, knocking her across the ship and slamming her into a steel wall. She crumpled to the ground.
The mom looked over. "Shake it off, honey! You can do it!"
Doc Bricker rushed over to examine her. "This girl is unconscious!" He signaled for Gopher to come help. "We have to get her to Sick Bay and make sure she hasn't suffered a concussion or any serious injuries!"
"Oh...!" The mom fumed as she got up from her chair and trailed behind them as they took her daughter to safety. "Great! There goes brunch!" She sipped her smoothie. "Honestly, who's writing this thing? Don't they understand? They can't acknowledge this stuff is incredibly dangerous, she could get killed, and no sane parent would just stand by and let her do it! That gets in the way of celebrating how wonderful I am!" They disappeared down a stairwell. "They're just trying to make me look bad! Someone is going to get a strongly worded e-mail!"
"Okay..." Oswald sucked air between his teeth. "NOW what?"
#
Meanwhile downstairs, in the midst of the boat being flung around, Oona was struggling to keep the formula from spilling.
"Oh... OH..."
Goop spilled out over the rim of the pot.
"What's going on out there anyway?"
She happened to glance out the porthole just as a tentacle slid across it. The room was enveloped in darkness.
"Oh, great..."
She flipped on the light and steadied the cauldron again.
#
"So," Osmerelda gasped as another wave deluged her. "What are we gonna do?"
An equally drenched Oswald checked his watch tablet. "We have to drive it away sonehow!"
"Wait!" A red-haired woman in a blue dress stepped out of the crowd. "I may be able to help!"
Orla approached her. "Who are you?"
"I'm Kathy Griffin! Outrageous, potty-mouthed comedian! And more importantly in this instance," she rooted around in her purse. "I happen to have a Trump mask!"
She pulled the mask out of her purse. The agents shrank back, shielding their eyes.
Omar gagged. "May I ask WHY?"
She shrugged. "Long story. An old Spirit Halloween gave me three crates of the things just to get rid of them. I'm thinking of making them into handbags..."
"That might be an idea!" Osmerelda enthused. "Okay, maybe not the handbag thing. But if we can show that mask to the Hydraclops, it might drive it back into the sea!"
"No, no," Oswald shook his head. "It won't work."
Kathy lowered the mask. "Why not?"
Oswald gestured toward the monster. "Well, think about it! The Hydraclops is an ancient, hideous, mindless monster that exists only to devour and destroy! It probably voted for him!"
They all nodded. "Makes sense."
Kathy put the mask back in her purse. "Well, that's just... Hey, wait a second!" She brightened. "If he's a MAGAhead, I can just do my act! Then he'll feel obligated to storm off in a huff and complain to all his monster friends!" She considered. "I could talk about my dog! He's so sweet but so weird! He keeps chewing on..."
She stopped.
"Uh... How old are you guys?" She shook her head. "Never mind. I could tell how my other dog Larry ate a used..." She looked at them again. "No, I sure as... Heck... can't do that one..." She pondered. "Hey! You think maybe if I talked about the Kardashians...?"
Orla cocked her head. "What is a 'Kardashian'?"
Kathy was taken aback. "You've never heard of the Kardashians?"
"I have heard of them," Orla explained. "I simply do not know what they are."
Kathy pulled her comedy notebook out of her purse and flipped through pages.
"Let's see... What material do I have that'd be appropriate for a PG-rated Odd Squad fanfic?"
There was a long, long pause as she flipped through page after page after page after page.
"I got nothing. I'm sorry." Kathy put her notebook away.
"Well, thanks for trying," Osmerelda consoled her.
"Well, the trip's not a total bust," Kathy assured them. "Wait'll you see the Funt and Mundane chunk in my next show! You'll shhhhhh...surely be surprised..."
The Hydraclops roared.
"I'll let you guys get back to work! Bye!"
She fled.
The agents looked at one another.
"What is with that guy this chapter?" Oswald complained. "He's never been funny but this is getting downright bleak!"
"Maybe he's finally run out of bad Sixties kid-shows to reference."
"Great!" Oswald grumped. "Now he'll probably start bringing up old radio shows nobody's heard of!"
A head with large eyes and a formidable mustache popped through a porthole.
"How do you doooooooo?"
Oswald shoved the head back in and shut the porthole.
"Perhaps he is depressed and needs a hug."
"I am NOT hugging him," Osmerelda insisted. "I'm not. He smells like wet corn chips."
A tentacle smashed into the deck.
"Perhaps we should postpone this discussion and focus on the matter at hand!"
"Good idea!" Omar nodded. "We've gotta stop that thing before it wrecks the ship!"
A crowd of small, brightly colored teddy bears came running over.
"Can we help?" The lead bear asked. "We love helping!"
Before Odd Squad could react, the little bears had climbed up on the railing.
"Okay, everyone! Tummy symbol flash in three, two..."
The Hydraclops slapped them away with a single swipe of its tentacle. They all went flying into the ocean.
Osmerelda considered. "Okay, I gotta admit, that was kinda funny ..."
#
"Well, this is just great!" Oona complained aloud to no one. "I need to keep this thing from spilling." She clutched the cauldron as the ship pitched and tossed about. "I could probably find a gadget that'd help with that except to do that I'd have to reach behind my back and I can't do that because I need both hands to hold the cauldron steady..."
The cabin strobed in and out of shadow as the Hydraclops' tentacles moved outside.
"...Then there's the fact that this pot-thing is BOILING HOT AND I'M HOLDING IT WITH MY BARE HANDS! YEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOUCHIEOUCHIEOWOWOW!"
She let go of the cauldron and shook her reddened, stinging hands. The ship lurched again and this time she managed to pull her lab coat sleeves over her palms before grabbing the pot again.
She looked up anxiously, imagining the Mobile Unit team on the deck above her. "Come ON, guys..."
#
Up on deck, the Mobile Unit was doing their best.
"This creature must have some weakness!" Orla insisted.
Osmerelda snapped her fingers. "I remember from my training, the only way to stop a Hydraclops is by grossing it out!"
Orla nodded grimly. "Then we have to present it with the most disgusting and hideous spectacle imaginable!"
Oswald glared. "I'm not getting naked again."
Everyone turned to look at him.
Orla took a deep breath. "First, thank you. Second, it must be even worse than that."
"YOU'RE getting naked?"
"NOBODY IS GETTING NAKED!"
Osmerelda shrugged. "Well, there go all the Deviantart subscribers..."
Orla took a deep breath. "To drive away the Hydraclops, we must present something far beyond all boundaries of taste, decorum, and sanity."
Omar gasped. "You... You don't mean..."
"Yes," Orla intoned ominously. "Activate Variety Show Song Medley-inators!"
They all tugged their left sleeve, then their right sleeve, then their ties. There was a bright, blinding flash of light and suddenly all four Odd Squad agents were wearing glitzy, sequin-drenched, eye-searingly colorful costumes and doing simple dance steps in front of a swirly, glitter-coated, orange and yellow backdrop.
A music fanfare sounded. As the confused Hydraclops looked on, the agents stomped their feet and clapped rhythmically.
"WE WANT YOU!
WE WANT YOU!
WE WANT YOU AS A NEW RECRUIT!
WE WANT YOU!
WE WANT YOU!
WE WANT YOU AS A NEW RECRUIT!"
Omar: "Where can you find pleasure
Search the world for treasure
Learn gadget technology?"
"WHERE?"
Oswald: "Where can you lift curses
Or become a person
Who runs museums and libraries?"
"WHERE?"
Orla: "Where can you get your fill in
Fighting evil villains
And live on for centuries?"
"WHERE?"
Osmerelda: "Foil the bad guys' plans
And play in the jazz band
Between all your activities?"
"WHERE?
IN THE ODD SQUAD!
Yes, when something odd happens
IN THE ODD SQUAD!
You'll be the one on who they will depend
IN THE ODD SQUAD!
If you ain't hit puberty
IN THE ODD SQUAD!
Come on, protect humanity!
IN THE ODD SQUAD!
Yeah, you'll use these weird gadgets!
IN THE ODD SQUAD!
And do these lame comedic bits!
IN THE ODD SQUAD!
Come on and serve your fellow man!
IN THE ODD SQUAD!
Can't you see we need a hand?
WE WANT YOU!
WE WANT YOU!
WE WANT YOU AS A NEW RECRUIT!
WE WANT YOU!
WE WANT YOU!
WE WANT YOU AS A NEW RECRUIT!"
The music shifted as the four agents ran offstage and reappeared on individual platforms for their solos.
Osmerelda: "I beg your pardon
I never promised you a rose garden
Along with the sunshine
There's got to be a little rain sometimes
If you take you gotta give so live and let live
Or let go-whoah-whoah-whoah-whoah
I beg your pardon
I never promised you a rose garden..."
Next, Orla: "They call me the Wild Rose
But my name was Eliza Day
Why they call me that I do not know
For my name was Eliza Day..."
Now over to Omar, with two chicks in bright blue afro wigs and white jumpsuits gyrating on either side of him...
"She ain't go no money, her clothes are kinda funny
Her hair is kinda wild and free
Oh, but love grows where my Rosemary goes
And nobody knows like me
I'm a lucky fella and I just gotta tell ya
That I love her endlessly
Because love grows where my Rosemary goes
And nobody knows
Like me!"
And finally, Oswald, solemn in the spotlight...
"When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
And you feel like love is only
For the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun's love
In the spring becomes The Rose..."
Then over to Shape-Shifter striking a chanteuse pose, still encased inside her bubble...
"Hold me close and hold me fast
This magic spell you cast
It's called La Vie en Rose
When you kiss me, Heaven sighs
And though I close my eyes
I see La Vie en Rose
And when you speak, Angels sing up above
Everyday words seem to turn into love songs
I give my heart and soul to you, it's going to be
La Vie en Rose..."
Over to Todd, sitting on a stool looking pensive...
"Every rose has its thorns
Just like every dark has its dawn
Just like every bad guy has a sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorns..."
Over to Gladys Kravitz, who did a happy little two-step and unsteadily warbled...
"I'm wearing second-hand hats
Second hand clothes
That's why they all call me
Second-Hand Rose
Even Jake the plumber, he's the man I adore
Had the nerve to tell me he'd been married before
But everyone knows
That I'm just Second Hand Rose
From Second Avenue!"
Next, Olympia...
"Paper roses, paper roses
Oh, how real those roses seemed to be
But they're only imitations
Like your imitation love for me..."
Little O...
"Rose is a rose is a rose is a rose
Said my good friend Gertrude Stein
But she knows that I go to the old Deux Margots
And I drink fruit juice through the night..."
And Obfusco...
"Show me a Rose and I'll show you a storm at sea
Show me a Rose or leave me alone
Show me a Rose and I'll show you a stag at bay
Show me a rose or leave me alone
Way down in Biloxi Mississippi
We watched the clouds roll by
I said, my darling how are you
And she whispered, so am I
Show me a Rose and I'll show you a girl named Sam
Show me a Rose or leave me alone..."
Then Hyacinth Bouquet, loudly, operatically, and defiantly off-key...
"Oh Rose Marie, I love you
I'm always dreaming of you
No matter what I do I can't forget you
Sometimes I wish that I had never met you
And yet if I should lose you
It would mean my very life to me
Of all the queens in all the world to rule me
I choose you, my Rose Marie!"
Next, a tap-dancing Bugs Bunny...
"She's the daughter of Rosie O'Grady
A regular old fashioned girl... (Look, I'm dancing!)
She isn't crazy for diamond rings
Laces and stockings and fancy things
She's a regular old fashioned beauty
And that's why I'm happy to say
That I'm proud to be courting the daughter of Rosie O'Grady!"
Then Olizabeth singing while Opal looks on...
"Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey
Ooh, the more I get of you, stranger it feels, yeah
And now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom on the grey..."
Next, Mister and Mrs. Martin doing a little soft-shoe and twirl...
"We want some red roses for a blue lady
Mister florist, take our order please
We had a silly quarrel the other day
We hope some pretty flowers chase our blues away
We want some red roses for a blue lady
Send them to the sweetest gal in town
And if they do the trick, we'll hurry back to pick
Your best white orchid for her wedding gown!"
Then the spotlight hit Doctor Hartley. He looked around nervously, coughed, and recited in a shaky monotone...
"Um... Roses are red, my love
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet, my love, but not
As sweet as you. Will that do? Is that okay?"
Over to the Love Boat crew, confused, bewildered, huddled together, and doing their best...
"There's a yellow rose in Texas
That I am going to see
Nobody else could miss her
Not half as much as me
She cried so when I left her
It like to broke my heart
And if I ever find her
We never more will part!"
Over to Ohlm...
Ohlm: "No."
Back to the Mobile Unit, who are together again on the main stage, singing and dancing while backup dancers gyrate around them...
"Cracklin' Rosie, make me smile
Girl, if it lasts for an hour, that's all right
Cus we got all night to set the world right
Find us a dream that don't ask no questions, yeah
Yeah
YEEEEEEEAH!
IN THE ODD SQUAD!"
Fireworks exploded and Rip Taylor ran around throwing confetti. In the midst of all this, Oswald looked around.
"Where's the Hydraclops?"
"He exploded a half-hour ago," said Kathy Griffin from the sidelines.
"What? Why didn't you tell us?"
"I was waiting for my song-cue."
The agents looked around awkwardly. "Sorry..."
"No problem. I'm used to it." She wandered off. "Even in a PBS kids show fanfic, I'm still on the D-List..."
The team pressed their badges and returned themselves to their normal suits.
"And another thing," Orla turned to Olympia. "Olympia. You did a fine job, but that was to have been Oona's solo."
"Oh yeah," Olympia explained. "She wasn't able to make it so she called me to fill in. She said she'd be here in a few...
"Guys! Guys!"
Oona came running over carrying the cauldron of now cool potion.
"I've finished mixing the antidote for Mister Martin!" she shouted as she ran. "Now all I gotta do is crys.."
She tripped and fell. The cauldron went flying out of her hands.
The potion sailed toward the railing, where it would fall into the ocean and disappear forever. Fortunately, Omar quickly shoved John Martin hard enough to knock him into its path. The red mixture splattered all over him.
"GARGH!" John Martin choked, the chemicals seeping into his skin, hair, and clothing. He fell to his knees, coughing and choking.
"Oh NO!" A dismayed Oona cried. She picked herself up off the ground and hurried over to the cauldron.
"Oh no..." She said more softly as she turned the cauldron over. Every drop was gone. It had all spilled.
Oswald stared. "Can't you make another batch?"
Oona shook her head. "I was lucky to get the ingredients together to make this one," she explained sadly. "Some of that stuff is virtually unobtainable." She tossed the cauldron down in disgust. "I had to send all the way to New Guinea for the moon poppy pollen and it only blooms every two hundred years..."
"Hold on..." Omar pointed to John Martin kneeling on the ground, crimson steam rising from his skin. "The stuff splattered all over him! It's fine!"
"No! No, it's NOT fine!" Oona grimaced. "The antidote needs to be taken internally!"
"You mean he won't be cured?" Osmerelda asked anxiously.
"I don't know!" Oona was near tears. "It's... unpredictable..."
"Unpredictable?" Marjorie grabbed Oona. "What do you mean unpredictable? WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO MY HUSBAND?"
"He might be cured," Oona told her. "He might turn into a kid permanently... There's a better than average chance he'll turn into Chita Rivera..."
Marjorie gaped. "Chita Rivera?"
"THAT'S WHERE CHITA RIVERA COMES FROM!" Oona shouted. "DID YOU REALLY THINK CHITA RIVERA JUST HAPPENS?"
The steam completely enveloped John Martin. He was just visible in silhouette, convulsing and shivering uncontrollably. A strange croaking sound came from deep within his throat.
Oona studied the figure in the midst. "No false eyelashes yet... That's a good sign..."
With a loud, choking hiss and a shudder, he began to collapse in on himself, shriveling smaller and smaller.
"Oh no!" Omar gasped. "He's turning into Little John!"
He reached toward him. Oona grabbed his hand.
"No! Don't touch him! His genetic structure is in flux right now!"
"What does that mean?" Marjorie wailed.
"I think it means that..." Oswald pointed.
John shrank beyond Little John size, disappearing into his clothes. Then he reappeared, expanding and distorting. His head jerked back and he babbled gibberish, snatches of words, and musical notes, his voice rising and lowering in pitch. He quacked.
"What was that?" Marjorie shouted.
Oswald thought. "I think it was a quack."
"A QUACK? WHY A QUACK? WHY DID MY HUSBAND QUACK?"
"Now you expect rational explanations?"
"Hold," Orla held up a hand. "I believe something is happening!"
The mist enshrouding John Martin changed from red to blue and his skin and clothes were soaked with sweat. He collapsed, unconscious. For a moment, he turned into Little John. Then he transformed back into his rightful age. He didn't move at all.
Oona took a deep breath. "It is finished."
An elderly, bejeweled woman in a head-scarf, a black shawl, and a faded dress hurried over and knelt beside the still body.
"The way you walked was thorny, through no fault of your own," she intoned in a thick accent. "But as the rain enters the soil, the river enters the sea, so tears run to a predestined end." He caressed his sweat-soaked hair. "Your suffering is over, my child. Now you will find peace."
"Look!" Orla pointed. "He is breathing! He is still alive!"
"Oh, bugger..." The old woman got back up and walked away.
John Martin's eyes fluttered open. "M-Marjorie?"
"John?" Marjorie ran over, and knelt beside her husband, clutching his hand. "John, are you... How do you feel?"
"Really weak..." he gasped. "And I think I could eat a horse! But I... I think I'm cured! I think Little John is gone for good!"
Everyone applauded. Oswald and Omar helped John sit up.
"You're cured? You're sure?"
"I'd better be cured," he said, smiling. "Because there's no way I'm going to go through all that again!"
When John Martin was strong enough, the agents helped him and his wife back to their cabin, where Doc Bricker was called to confirm he was all right.
#
To Be Continued...