Illusion is Reality

-Chapter 188

((((((((Ok so some kinda lewd stuff is gonna be happening in the beginning of this chapter, nothing explicit, it's really all about the implications of it all, it's not intense or graphic enough for me to warn people away from reading it altogether, but I felt I should at least put up a head's up)))))))

So, apparently, when Ford said he wanted to study my Eye, he didn't mean literally my eye. He meant the way I could just Flicker and See whatever I wanted to see. My Eye, my vision of the multiverse, Reality, all that was and is, and if I was including Time Baby's 'gift', all that could be. My Sight. My Knowledge of everything and anything.

Ford was interested in that. He wanted to see if there was a way to recreate the effects. To be able to build something that would display the answers for any question he could ask, based on displaying the physical truth of what happened in reality.

I told him that would be super difficult to do. My Eye worked by connecting into all matter in existence, every atom and its placement and structure, from the dawn of the universe to present day, and Seeing where and what those atoms have done. In my own Set, such a thing was easy. Too much so. Because everything was made of ME. When I was here in Seb's Set, or in Blue's, it was… confusing. So much information to sift through without my instinctual connection to it all. It was made harder because Seb and Blue's AXOLOTLS had MULTIPLE alternate dimensions under their rule. (Infinite multiverses… on top of the infinite dimensions…) So it wasn't just searching for the atoms that made up Ford at which time in existence, it was searching for the CORRECT Ford. My Fordsie. Not any of the others that also existed in this set.

Actually, even in my own Set, it was still hard to sift through all the information. It's why I set up all my Triangles to narrow down my search to just a specific area in Space.

And that wasn't even going into the fact that many living things would shed and gain atoms throughout their lives so a bunch of atoms that was 'Ford' today, would have all been shed and scattered throughout the world over the course of ten years. So I didn't just have to find Ford, I had to keep track of which atoms were no longer Ford due to skin flakes, sweat, poop, exhaled breathing, etc, that would remove atoms from the cluster that was 'Ford'.

I explained this all to Ford the best I could, about how I tracked down said atoms and then, for lack of a better way to put it, Zoomed out to be able to See the shape of the atoms as they all clicked together into molecules, cells, tissue, muscles and so on, into becoming people. And I have that whole process down to near instant, zoomed out to be able to See the people as people and not just every single atom that made them up. And also looking at the world around 'Ford', other people, animals, air, ground, colors–

"..." Ford looked uncomfortable. The reason for it was easy to see. I grinned as he tried to hide it. "Why hello Widdle-Ford! Nice to see you join the party~"

"William!" Ford covered his crotch.

"Do you want me to leave the room while you take care of this?" Like I did when he popped a boner watching a supernova up close. Ford was horny for science, poor boy. I wonder if he used to get hot and bothered while reading his textbooks?

"...you don't have to leave the room if you don't want to." Ford was blushing so hard right now.

I glanced up at him, "Are you ok with me watching?"

Ford twitched. "I'm not up for that yet. Maybe someday, but not right now."

"Fair enough. I can turn around, or I can get off the bed and wait at your desk?"

Ford thought about it. "It's ok for you to be on the bed. Just… turn around?"

I nodded, trying to hide how nervous I actually was. Sure I've see Ford naked, we've touched and kissed and he's tied me up with ropes– but that was without either of us being aroused to the point of our sexual organs reacting. But… this was… er… well… Ford was aroused. Because I was talking science to him. What even the heck? That's so adorable. Also, fucked up. Ford, I love you, you're so goddamn fucked up. I was turned away from him, he couldn't see my expression.

I couldn't see my expression either, but I could feel the wicked grin on my face, I could feel the warmth burning inside me.

Ford was horny for science. And I just… I was so evil. I wanted to talk science more. Make him even more flustered. Make him cum from my words alone! Ahhhh! What's wrong with meeeee?!

"Hey William?"

I composed myself, "Ah, what's up?"

"Would… it be… too much if I asked you to keep talking while I… er…"

A thrill filled me. "You want to jerk off to me talking about how my powers work?"

"...if you put it that way, yeah." The bed dipped and creaked as Ford adjusted his position. I couldn't see him, with my back turned, but I was sure he was blushing. I know I was. I gripped my tongues in my hands, not a weird thing to do in this case since my tongues were dry and it wasn't gross or anything. I could make them wet by creating water. I did that when I really, really wanted to eat stuff and kinda taste them as a triangle. Though, things I ate as a Triangle would be broken down so quick I only got the barest hint of flavor. Sigh. Having my EyeMouth as a separate Eye and Mouth in my William form allowed me to hold food in the mouth and therefore taste it. Things broke down when they reached my throat and stomach unless I actively tried not to digest them, so having a mouth separate from that allowed me to savor food– wait, what was I doing again?

"William?"

I realized something. I'm sure I've broached the subject with Ford before, but I guess I wanted to expand on the idea. "Hey Fordsie, you wanna hear about how my Eye works, right?" ("Yes, I very much do.")

"If I tell you about how my Eye works, then… there's also something else I wanna tell you about. I wanna teach you something too, is that ok?"

"Sure? I don't see why not?" Ford sounded confused that I even asked.

I mimed a deep breath. "It's… something that you might not want to learn."

"Your evasiveness is killing my boner." Ford's dry deadpan made me let out a nervous giggle. I let go of my tongues so they wiggled around me. "That wouldn't be fair to you, soooo~ I can finish talking about my Eye first. Let you make your decision with post nut clarity."

"Thank you." Ford's sarcasm was clear, it only made me laugh harder.

Well, getting back on topic, I explained how I went about connecting my senses into the Matter of the world. He asked if there was some way to replicate it. I hadn't thought of such a thing before, though Scrying magic could do something similar. Still, I brainstormed with him about various scanners and modifications to said scanners to be able to translate molecular data into visual outputs. I felt the bed shaking as Ford bounced rhythmically in place.

I wanted to watch. I wanted to watch so badly~

But he wasn't up for that yet. And frankly, the fact that he was ok with having me in the room and on the bed while he did this was already such a huge progression in the sexy parts of our relationship~

I could hear a shuddering exhale behind me. The Lust in the air was so potent I could practically smell it. I confess, I wasn't unaffected by it all, even with my shields up. In my case, it wasn't that I was absorbing the Lust in the air, because I wasn't, it was my own lust being stirred by the sounds behind me and my own twisted imagination.

I've seen Ford's dick, but only while we were in the bath or changing clothes, or that one time at the sauna. But those times, he wasn't aroused. So… I haven't seen his dick erect before. But damn if I wasn't imagining it as I listened to the sounds behind me. My tongues writhed around me, curling around a pillow and squeezing the life out of it. Another tongue was slapping against the headboard, and my third was gripping onto the blankets as I burned.

My piece wasn't reacting yet, but it didn't mean I wasn't worked up.

"S-so then you just have to hook up the scanner to some sort of monitor. Of course this would only get you the visual image of whatever you're looking up. Audio is much more complicated to get, considering you'd have to make a separate device for recording sound waves." I sputtered through the explanation, listening to Ford's breathing pick up. He let out a soft whine that just made me tingle all over. Fuuuuck~ I wanna watch~

The bed bounced hard and I could hear Ford panting as he flopped over and stopped moving. He let out a groan. "Wow…" His voice was a little hoarse, dazed.

"Hey…" I said quietly, "If… if I wanted to masturbate… would you be ok being in the room with me for it?"

Ford didn't respond aside from panting. I waited.

"I-if you want to. A-and if I don't have to watch if I don't want to." He finally told me.

"...I wouldn't mind if you watched." I rubbed my face, trying and failing to get myself to feel less warm. "And… maybe someday… we could watch each other masturbate." I had to cover my face at how squirmy inside I felt at the thought.

"I… don't want to watch or be watched… yet. I'm… well… I dunno. Maybe someday." Ford shifted, I heard the 'foof' sound of some tissues being pulled from the box at his bedside table. I couldn't help but say, "Take a bath."

Ford paused. "It's not a lot, I can just wipe it off–"

"Take a bath." I repeated.

He paused again. "You think it's dirty."

"I'm planning to clean the bed and blankets as soon as you're not sitting on it, yes." I twiddled my fingers together, wanting to have my bowtie so I could flick it.

"...you think it's dirty for me to ejaculate and not wash myself. Even if I wipe off the semen." Ford reiterated himself with more clarity.

I sighed. "Yes. Ok? I think it's gross because you're expelling some material from inside you. I feel the same about sweat and poop. Even blood." I bit my lip. "People are gross. That's just how it is. You're filled with pus and fluids and bile. It's all gross. And the bed– the nest is– it should be kept clean. I don't like the idea of sleeping in filth. Or touching it."

"Hence why you used magic to change our kids' diapers." Ford chuckled. "So… my semen is gross to you?"

"Ugh yeah." I relaxed a little, since it seemed Ford wasn't offended by my aversion to his bodily fluids and excreations. "Like, I considered maybe licking you for getting some taste to get my stupid self to stop wanting to bite you, but it still seems gross if it's on sweaty parts of you or something. And like, I'm ok with licking your fingers, because I can ask you to wash your hands first, it feels less gross than your armpits, and there's less chance of you expelling shit from your fingers. You're not a Prstian or something."

Ford shuddered, "Ew. I remember those people."

"Ugh, they exist in this Set too?" I gagged, a race of aliens that pooped through their fingers and ate through their ass. Why? Seriously, why?

"Either way, I know I produce waste too. I shed carbon dust everywhere. But at least it's dry. Sterile too. Just carbon in dry, powdery form."

"So it's the moisture inherent to my bodily excretions that you're adverse to."

"Yeah, though the bacteria is the main factor." I shrugged, still haven't turned around yet, so I could only imagine what his expression could be. "It makes things feel slimy and stuff. And unsanitary." I explained.

"Well, I can understand why defecation would be unpleasant for you. But is sweat and semen that bad?"

"Would you want to lie down on a bed covered in someone else's sweat and bodily fluids?" I asked.

"I see your point. Though I haven't gotten any of my semen onto the bed."

I shrugged, raising a hand and wiggling it. "A couple smears. Microscopic, ehhh… I can feel it there, even if you can't see it."

"You…." Ford sounded like he was having an epiphany. "You can feel all the matter around you, all the time?"

"Pretty much. Yeah?"

He was quiet for a moment. Then, quietly, "Is that why you're so obsessive compulsive about things being dirty or covered in germs?"

I stiffened. My back was still towards him, I wasn't told I could turn around yet, but my tongues continued wrapping around the bed. "I can feel every bacteria. Every dust mite. Every ant or insect or single cell organism…" I said slowly. "I know where they are, where they're moving to, what they're inside… you're filled with bacteria, both 'good' and 'bad' and that's just how people are." I paused, "It feels kinda gross sometimes, but I know it's nothing you can do anything about, since you kinda need most of those bacteria and even some viruses, to function and all that…"

"Is it weird? To… look at someone, and just know their gut biome intimately?"

"Ehhh~ I wouldn't call it weird, it's… normal… for me… since I'm always feeling it. I've actually gotten pretty good at filtering it out. Ignoring it? Depends. Some things do bother me, so I clean a lot."

"Understandable, being able to literally know where all the bacteria are is probably stressful."

"Hell yeah it is." I shuddered.

"Is this why you don't like touching the floor?"

"Floor has been stepped on by feet. There's foot flakes, dust and dead things all over it. Ugh."

"Alright, I'll go take a bath." Ford got up, I felt the bed dip and bounce. "You can clean the bed."

Uhh I was planning to regardless. "See, if I considered this bed mine, I would be even worse." I told him plainly.

"You'd be constantly keeping it clean microscopically?" Ford walked around to pass in front of me with a wry smile. "And make me take a bath even more often?"

"You're very sweaty." I shrugged.

Ford actually laughed. "Well, how about you? Don't you get dusty?"

"I gather my dust as they form and use them as emergency building blocks if I need to make something." I tilted my head, admiring naked Ford. Heh, nice~

Ford sighed. "Is your OCD and anxiety over cleanliness something you want to work past?"

"I don't want to NOT clean everything, if that's what you're asking?"

"I mean your anxiety over it. Isn't it stressful?" He looked worried. How cute of him to worry about me.

"It's not stressful if I can clean it. Which I can, and have, and will."

Ford raised an eyebrow, the image of him looking so serious and skeptical was severely dampened by the fact that he was still naked. "Is that why you've been destroying trash piles around the world and also added the trash chutes to all Void Delivery locations?"

"...you noticed that?" Now I was the skeptical one.

Ford had the decency to look a little embarrassed. "Stan told me about the trash chutes. But the reports of a golden dragon flying by and setting garbage dumps on fire was pretty stand out."

"And here I thought they would have just called it CGI?" I laughed.

Ford sighed, rubbing his face. "I know you want to fix this planet just as much as I do, I'm just worried you're working yourself too hard."

"Then help me relax~" I purred. "Listening to you have your fun really makes me wanna get ravished~"

Ford rolled his eyes, opening his mouth and then closing it and rolling his eyes again. He pointed at the bathroom I built with his thumb, "Alright, you wanna get in the bath with me?"

"Yay~!"

"This conversation isn't over, by the way." He warned. I waved it off. "I'm fine. I pace myself. I have my time managed." Just work on something all times of the day, switching between the different Mes to take a break from one thing when another began to get stressful. Speaking of which…

'Miz' should be logging on to Facechat with Stan's son, Diego, for his magic lessons soon. And after that, Zach and Zoe would be done with their lessons with their homeschool teacher and I should be starting theirs (and Seb's) magic lesson. Uhhh what else was on my schedule today? I've finished my homework for my online classes– oh right I need to check on my kids and get started on prepwork for dinner! I did breakfast, Melody handled lunch today, so I got dinner. I was thinking of maybe fried rice. Something quick and easy.

I'd been walking behind Ford absently while I checked my mental To-Do list, so I bumped into his back when he suddenly stopped. "Bwah!" (Another Me (as Miz) was already setting up my laptop for Diego's magic lesson. He took to Glyphs very well, even if he couldn't cast without me nearby. Unlike Zach and Zoe, he didn't have his own magical energy to draw from.) (Another Me (as Xin) was laying down on an Island, not quite sleeping, not fully awake. I was in my dragon form because it helped with enforcing the idea of my mystical godlike self amongst the Islanders. My worshippers here weren't as devoted as the ones in space but that's just from how little time I've had. A few generations down and I'm sure they'll be more invested in me…)

"What was that thing you wanted to teach me?" Ford asked.

"...I'll tell you while we're taking that bath." I brushed past him, pulling his shirt off myself and tossing it into the basket for dirty clothes, waving my hand to pull up the rest of his dirty clothes to the bathroom as well. "I'm sure you wouldn't like it though."

"What the heck is it?" Ford came in after me as I turned on the water in the tub, putting the plug in to let the basin fill with hot water. "I'm getting worried, with how ominous you're sounding."

I used the handheld showerhead to rinse myself off, especially the bottoms of my feet before I stepped into the large bathtub. I picked up some of the soap bottles. I felt like a bubble bath would be nice today. "It isn't something that would harm you… or me."

"The emphasis only makes me more worried."

"It's something that I believe you should learn, if… if we're going to keep being together." I admitted, easing myself into the bubble filled water. I reached over to shut the faucet off. I felt the water shift when Ford stepped in. Frankly, the proper way to bathe would be to scrub and rinse himself off with the handheld showerhead before coming into the tub, but there's enough soap in the tub that I didn't mind.

"It's that important?" Ford frowned, the bubbles covering everything below his waist. "Is…" He reworked his words, "If I refuse to learn this, will you break up with me?"

Oh, so he was worried about that. I didn't mean to give him that idea. I don't think I'd break up with him, the only way this would end is if he chose to leave me first. "...no. But I wouldn't let myself relax as much around you anymore." I said bluntly. "I won't risk it."

"I would never hurt you. Not on purpose, and I'll be trying my best not to do so accidentally either." Ford splashed over to my side of the tub. "Bill, what is so important that you would…"

"Will you agree to learn?"

"What is it that you want me to learn?" Ford took my hand, my tongues had retracted, because I didn't wanna taste the soap. Too bitter. "I don't want to be agreeing to it without knowing."

Should I just tell him? "I'm afraid you'll refuse."

"Well then just tell me so I can decide for myself."

"Even if you refuse, I'm still going to talk about how to do it, so you'd know how to do it. And I'd rather just say it without getting your refusal first, so I'll feel less bad about it. That's selfish of me, but I can't help it."

"What is it?" Ford was holding both my hands now. Well FINE, I'll just get this out of the way.

"I want to teach you how to draw Binding circles targeting creatures that exist in the Mindscape and Spiritual Plane." The words fell out, landing and laying there in the space between us. Ford didn't say anything. I was looking down so I didn't know what sort of face he was making. But his hands tightened on mine. It's not like I haven't taught him something similar before, but this time it would be more focused on things like me.

"Why?" Ford finally asked. His voice shook. "Aren't you… you're terrified of normal Binding circles, much less the ones specifically targeting you!?"

I was shaking, I realized. I tried to steady myself but it wasn't working. My energy was slipping, but I could feel it burning me, unable to reach out to harm anyone else. Good. I pulled my mouth into a grin. "Sure I'm terrified! But I'm more afraid of being a danger to you or anyone else in the future. So… I want you to promise me that if anything goes wrong, you can take me down."

"That won't be necessary." Ford leaned closer. "You would never hurt us."

"It's cute how you think that." I grinned wider, all sharp teeth. "But it's fine. I'll be teaching you a Binding that won't hurt me. Just restrain. And it can be broken without you needing to die. A much safer Binding." I hadn't stopped shaking, my energy was writhing inside me from sheer panic. But aside from the trembling, I thought I was hiding my panic well.

"So first off, you can't actually draw the circle until everything inside is drawn first, since you need to get everything inside first to give the circle its instructions on what it's supposed to do. Once the circle is closed, the effect will activate." I rambled. "It's actually a lot like calligraphy, which also needs you to draw the outer edges and then whatever's inside before you close the outside." In fact… "Part of why it's like calligraphy is because I made these Binding sigils myself, and it's much safer for everyone than the more common types available–"

"Bill, you don't need to keep doing this." Ford sighed, "We trust you to not harm us, can't you trust yourself to not need all these… methods of… taking you down?"

"You don't get it!" I gripped Ford's hands. "You want us to be on equal ground, yes? So I want to give you a way to take me down if you wanted." It was too unfair otherwise.

"Wanted, not needed? That sounds really wrong somehow."

"Just pay attention, this is the symbol for 'Hold' and this is the symbol for 'Suppress'." I began drawing the symbols in midair, scooting over to make sure he was looking at them. I began walking him through each of the different runes and symbols, and then showing him how to combine them together for different effects. Despite his protests, I could tell he was genuinely interested in the subject matter. The only thing he had a problem with was the thought of using one on me. Too bad, so sad, someday he might have to. Or maybe someday I'll let it happen, if nothing else works.

"This one's for 'sleep' which, when combined with the one for 'blind' will put the bound target into a sleep deep enough they can't even dream or think."

"Is this some roundabout way for you to try and… get rid of yourself?" Ford sounded terse.

"It's to make it less stressful to be bound, knocking me out would spare me having to panic over it." I pouted, "If you only used 'sleep' without a modifier, I'll sleep and dream." Which…. Might give me a way to escape the Binding, if other sigils weren't written in to prevent it.

"Why are you even giving me all these options?" Ford stared at all the different glowing symbols I'd drawn in the air.

"So you can customize it." I was starting to feel a little dizzy, what with the way my insides were being torn apart by my own energy. But none of it had leaked out at all. I wasn't even mutating. That was a good sign. I was getting better at this. "Better… to have options… than being stuck using the same circle… for…" the room was spinning, I leaned against the side of the tub.

"Bill? Bill!" I heard splashing and felt Ford pulling me up and out of the water. Oh. When had I fallen into it? He was saying something but I couldn't focus on it. Everything was spinning…

I slumped over in front of the laptop where I was talking to Diego. Everything inside me hurt. My head was pounding, it felt like the room was spinning, I was uncomfortably hot–

I was already laying down, my massively long body curled up on the beach. I felt nauseous. Everything ached and I was so tired. I breathed out fire in an attempt to cool off, the blue flames melting the sand before me into vivid glass. I heard voices, but couldn't open my eyes to see who it was. Probably a Care Unit, hopefully. Whoever they were, they were staying a safe distance away so I didn't have to worry about that.

I was laid out somewhere soft. I couldn't move, tired, heavy, hot and dizzy–

I didn't have it in me to even react when a cold towel was draped across my forehead. It felt nice though. I could hear the towel sizzle and steam as I burned through the cold water. The towel was removed. Then it was placed back on, rewetted and cold once more. It felt nice. I couldn't move. Which one was I? Is this the me who is William?

No, I could hear Ford with another me. I could also hear a commotion of people with another me. That one had to be the Xin one. So by process of elimination, this Me is Miz. (I'm glad I didn't have Yun running around right now, that might be too much even for me…)

I tried to relax. The cold towel was taken off and reapplied once more. There was someone talking. I tried to listen, but I just couldn't. But the surface I was laying on was soft, the cold towel felt wonderful, and I was too tired to think much deeper than that. I felt the other Mes slumped over in their respective spots. Uhhh I think I could feel the sand beneath my scales as Xin, the worried voices of many people, I couldn't understand the words, but the tone was clear. William was also laying on a bed, I think I'm still naked too. Ford wasn't giving me the nice cold towel treatment, I'm not sure what he was doing.

I let out a weak happy sound when someone changed out the towel again. The cold felt nice.

Someone was petting my snout (a quick tap and a startled sound as they let go), more tiny hands were on my sides (they also let go quickly). The worried voices were murmuring away. I flicked my ears, shifting slowly to try and get more comfortable. No, this wasn't enough. Too hot. I slowly, carefully unfurled myself, feeling blindly to make sure I wasn't crushing anyone. They should know to back off. I could smell the ocean, the water's edge. I crawled and slithered my way there. The water hissed and steamed as I got in. Ooooh fuuuuuck that felt much better~

I yelped in surprise when I was sprayed with something cold. Foam? Did… did Ford just hose me down with a fire extinguisher?!

My first thought was, 'Fuck, I need to clean this later.'

My second thought was, 'I hope I don't kill off the fish if I warm up this ocean too much.'

My third thought was, 'Whoever's doing this cold towel thing is the best person in the world.'

I slowly opened my eye. I looked over to see Ford with the fire extinguisher. "Huh?"

"Oh thank Tesla you're ok." He looked so relieved. "What happened? You were burning."

"...did I hurt you?" I let my eye slide shut again.

"No. You weren't quite that hot. But you were on fire, even if it didn't spread to burn the bed."

"Hm…" I tiredly raised a hand to wipe some foam off me. "Sorry. Dunno what quite happened…"

"Are you alright?"

"Not really. But I won't die."

"...that is both reassuring and not."

"I just… need some time…"

I felt Ford brush my hair from my face. "Rest. Don't do any more work for today."

I wondered sometimes, was I just allowing myself to fall apart just so other people would take care of me? Comfort me? How stupid. How awful. I keep taking advantage of their kindness.

Destroy myself more. Crush myself until I'm absolutely pathetic. Pity me. Take care of me. Love me. Show me you love me. Because I knew they did, but I didn't feel any security over it. I still felt like they could just drop me at any point if I displeased them. So I just wanted to hurry and get it over with before I got even more attached than I already was.

When was the other shoe going to drop? Just betray or reject me already so I didn't have to keep stressing about when it was going to happen!

I felt the towel change again. I felt the cool ocean on my body. I heard Ford putting the fire extinguisher down.

I couldn't fully trust any of them to love me. I felt bad for that. What happened to my ability to believe in people? Had I lost that as well over the years? How much of myself have I lost? How much of myself have I destroyed? How much will I need to destroy until it stops hurting?

I felt Ford kissing my forehead above my eye. A sign of affection and love. I felt the towel wet and cold again. Another sign of love. Why wasn't that enough? Why wasn't I ever satisfied? I felt the agitation rising in me.

And then I felt something poke my snout.

I blinked, slowly sinking into the ocean. I turned my head around, spotting a flash of a dark shape.

A large seal swam around me, coming up to 'boop' my snoot again. Amelie! Wow. I…. I haven't seen her in…. A very long time.

"William?" I heard Ford call out. I waved a hand, "Mmm fine. Someone's trying to talk to me."

"Huh?"

"Someone's trying to talk to Xin." I clarified. I waved at Amelie. 'Hi, uhhhh…. Long time no see?'

Ford let out a startled sound, "Bill! You're clearly unwell and you need to be resting!"

Whoever was changing my towel brushed my hair back and then wrapped the towel in some ice, by the feels of it, and then they got up and I could hear the floor creak as they walked off.

"I'm fine. Just… let me focus on Xin for a bit." 'Sorry I haven't been in touch, I've been busy.'

'I noticed. The whole magic community has been gossiping. You're getting found out by more and more humans.'

'Yeah, that's sort of my plan. I'm not allowed to outright reveal magic to the world, so I was going for more of a… let the humans figure it out themselves.' (Ford just groaned, "Can't believe you're STILL overworking yourself!")

'...why? Isn't that… I mean, our ancestors made the decision to go into hiding from humans, and almost all the races have agreed on this too.'

'I'm not revealing all magic, just… me. A dragon.

Amelie swam over and booped me again. 'You sound like you're hoping the humans will try to catch you.'

'I'd like to see them try. I mind muttered before changing the subject, 'So what have you been up to?'

I wasn't too familiar with Seal facial expressions, but that was definitely a pout. 'I was travelling the world. And visiting your Islands. Is it really safe to allow so many humans into what is essentially your den?'

'As long as they follow the rules I set, I don't see a problem.' For the most part they're fine. Though I've had some troublesome ones occasionally. One guy asked if we were a cult. And of course I told him, "Technically, but you don't have to worship me if you don't want, and you can leave whenever you want." The guy was skeptical until I turned into my dragon form and flew away. Hah! The look on his face.

'Ah huh? And what about you? No offense, but you kinda look like shit.'

Was it really that noticeable?! 'Uhh, thanks?'

Amelie swam over and nestled on my head. 'The ocean is warmer here.'

'Sorry, I was… er… overheating…'

'Bullshit, what's going on?'

I could only sheepishly tell her, 'I was literally overheating.'

'Are you sick?' Amelie moved around on my head. 'The humans seem worried.'

Oh fuck. I raised my head. Yeah I should probably reassure them I wasn't dead. 'I'm gonna swim up now.'

Amelie stayed on my head. Ok then. I slowly rose back up. I was cooled down, but I still had a killer headache. There were humans gathered around the beach, they scrambled back when I splashed out. I flopped onto my belly on the beach. Ugh.

This wasn't one of the Islands with the children, this was the one I opened for housing the homeless. There was an exit to leave this island that led to a small apartment building I purchased as Yun. It was so they could list that apartment as their address for the sake of getting a job and social security and… pretty much everything they would need to get their lives in order. (Seriously it made no sense that the US government system sucked so bad.) Everyone in fact had their own house here on the island, so the apartment was not truly occupied, though I sent Care Units to make the place look lived in, in case someone comes to inspect it. They looked worried, as Amelie said.

"Are you ok?" One asked.

"Not fully ok. But I'll be ok with some rest." I looked around tiredly. "Sorry if I scared you. I just need to sleep." I glanced down at one of my Care Units, "Please take care of things here, I… might be gone for a while." The Care Unit nodded before turning and gently ushering the humans back. Some refused to leave.

"What do you mean, not fully?" One human stood his ground. "Are you sick?!"

"Sorta, but not really?." I rolled my eyes. "You don't have to wor–"

"Of course I'm worried!" The guy brushed the Care Unit away. "What's gonna happen to us if you die?!"

I blinked. "Uhhh… I don't understand the question?"

Several of the humans looked agitated for some reason. The guy who was speaking drew himself up, "I don't want to be homeless again." He said bluntly. Oh! Is that what they were worried about?

"You can still live here, whether or not I'm alive." I assured him. "I built this place with a magic that is anchored in place. It'll exist even without me, it simply won't get any larger to make more land on the island." I worked hard to get the microorganisms and environment set up to be self-sustaining. The oceans were vast and filled with life to be able to supply food for everyone. So long as they're not doing commercial fishing to take thousands of fish out of the ocean every day, the oceans here should last centuries even without me. The Care Units didn't need me to sustain them either. I… I spent my life trying to set things up to continue without me. Originally because I was sure I would be killed by my Zodiac as Canon needs it. So of course I needed to make sure my friends would be safe even without me here to protect them.

But now, I didn't know what I was going to do. But building up something to last beyond me is just so engrained now that I still did it.

I lowered my head, trying to ignore the headache I still had. "You don't need me. Don't worry. I've made sure you'll all be safe even without me."

For some reason, the humans didn't look happy at my reassurances. "...if you say it like that, it sounds like you're…"

I tilted my head, even as Amelie began slapping at my face with a flipper. "What? Dying? It's fine. I've made sure to set things up so you'll be fine without me." Amelie slapped me harder. "Ow, Amelie!" I whined.

"...are you dying?" The human asked. Everyone still looked so… worried. Why? Why did people keep looking at me like that?

"William?" Ford asked, pulling my attention split-ways. I waved, eye still closed, "Shh, busy. Some humans being weird." ("Are they causing trouble?") "Nah, they seemed worried about me for some reason." ("...you're an idiot.") "Wow thanks." I drawled. Rude much?

"Everything is dying." I snorted. "You're dying right now. Perfectly normal." I backed off a litte, part way back into the ocean. "Don't worry about me. You don't need me. This place will still be here. I'm not strictly necessary."

"It's not about needing-" But I turned and slunk back into the ocean. If they were gonna keep bothering me then I'll just sleep in the ocean. Not like I needed to breathe. Amelie swam alongside me.

'...do you not realize they don't want you to die, or are you purposely ignoring it?'

'It's better for them to not worry.'

'They worry because they care about you.' Amelie swam up to my face as I settled on the ground. This part wasn't super deep, the sunlight was still all around me, but it was deep enough that the humans wouldn't easily get down here. 'I'm also worried. Are you actually dying?'

'I'm not dying. I can't die. Not easily.' I closed my eyes. 'I'm just a little sick right now, or something.' How was I supposed to explain that my own loss of control over my own chaos energy was dealing damage to myself because I set it up to do so? 'I just need to rest and avoid stress or something.'

Amelie didn't look pleased with my reply. 'What's been happening since I was gone? You've… gotten worse.' She paused. 'You've been getting worse for years. What's wrong with you?'

'Too many things are wrong. It's fine. I'm handling it.'

'You've been around humans for too long.' She slapped my snout. Ow. I mean, it doesn't hurt, but it's annoying. Also–

'It's not their fault. I'm just… going through some stuff.'

'Do you need to burn more things?'

'I just need to deal with this.'

She drew herself back and gave me the unhappiest look I've ever seen on a seal. 'I've clearly let this go for too long. Come with me.'

I gave her a bemused look as she swam down and began pushing at me with her nose. 'No way in hell you're gonna move me.'

'...I'll be back…' She threatened(?) before swimming off. Whatever, I'm gonna let Xin rest. My head was killing me.

...I'm not stupid. I know that the people around me were worried. I didn't want them to. I did want them to. I wanted both, opposite as they were. I wanted people to care about me, I also wanted them to stop caring when it was convenient for me. And right now, the fact that they cared was nothing more than a burden of knowing they'll all be hurt. I don't want that responsibility! I wanted people to do what I wanted. Which was fucked up, I understood that.

Wanting people to act and feel dependent upon my own convenience was…

...it was treating them like toys in a toybox…

The thought made me uncomfortable and sick. It made me want to tear myself apart. It made me want to scream and rip my own arms off. I couldn't handle this feeling. Shame, irritation, guilt–

I hated it. I hated myself. I hated that I hadn't known this before. I hated that I did it when I didn't know. Had done it. I couldn't handle the shame of looking back at everything I've done over the years and realizing just how fucking awful of a person I am. No, I'm not even a person. That's how bad I am. Worse than Mini-Ford. Because he might have disregarded the people around him, but I was much much worse.

I panicked, I tried to course correct. I tried to make excuses for myself. Anything to try and get this awful feeling to go away. But it wouldn't go away. And then I would attempt to deflect or ignore it, which only made me feel all the worse–

And I didn't know how to fix it. So I couldn't even apologize in the correct way.

I didn't want to be treating the people around me like toys. But then how was I supposed to do this? How do I not do the thing? I've observed what other people did. And it's all a mixed bag. There wasn't anything specific I could pinpoint as the proper way to treat others. Aside from ignoring them all equally. Which I couldn't do.

I had my friends and family and my social circle. And everyone else… I could try ignoring? But that didn't seem right either. I know that mainly I needed to stop wanting people to act the way I wanted. I needed to stop expecting people to do what I want. But I couldn't stop having all these expectations. I couldn't stop wanting things from people. How do I stop wanting things?

I shook my head, I knew, as much as I hated it, that I was just being depressed again. I knew, as much as I hated it, that it wasn't healthy to be thinking like this, that I shouldn't be blaming myself for having wants and desires.

But that didn't make me feel any better.

I groaned. Whatever. I should just… let Xin sleep and rest like Ford said. It wasn't scary to sleep alone if I wasn't actually focused on being Xin.

I focused on Miz, thinking I would get myself to bed and then go back to William or something. I winced as I wiggled Miz's fingers and twitched my limbs. Still felt like everything ached. I tried to get up and… nope. Gonna just… keep lying here. Well, whatever, I guess I could just ditch my Miz vessel here like I ditched Xin in the ocean and just be William for a while.

"-she doing better?"

Hm? I laid with my eyes closed, was that Wanda?

"Don't know what's wrong, but it looks like a fever?" Seb, from the voice. Did that mean he was the one helping me with the towel?

"Can Miz even get sick?" Wanda's voice, worried.

"I dunno? But like, she was burning. And the cold towel helped. So… I guess we should just try and keep her temperature down until she gets better?"

"I hope she's ok. I… I don't know how we're supposed to take care of her, she's not a human child." Wanda sounded frustrated. Ooof, sorry. I know that I wasn't a real human child but–

"Sometimes I kinda wish she was, but that's not…"

"Seb?" I think they thought I was asleep, they sounded so faint and far away so they must be in a different room. I just have better hearing than humans.

"It's stupid, but like…" Seb sighed, "You know how we'd wanted to adopt another kid?"

"Yes, that's why we adopted Miz."

"Yeah, and I love Miz, I really do. But she's not a real child. And, I dunno, I guess… it's just like…" Seb sighed again, voice a little more muffled for a moment. "I kind of wanted to raise another baby. I love Zach and Zoe. I love watching them grow up. I wanted that again with another kid. I wanted to be able to raise someone and watch them grow and become their own person–"

"...so you want another kid?" Wanda asked gently.

"I do, but I'm– Wanda, I'm going to be turning 50. I'm way too old to be trying to raise another baby! I wouldn't be able to keep up with them." Seb let out a bitter laugh. "I guess, a part of me feels like I missed out, you know? Like I've wasted my years and I should have gotten another kid sooner, but Miz was here and so much was happening and I just… lost track of time."

"I get what you mean." Wanda let out her own sigh. "Would have been nice to have another baby, but you're right, we're both too old for that now. It's already been over ten years since the twins were born and all. We're kind of too late for another."

I felt something tighten inside me. Like the sucking agony of a black hole imploding inside me and tearing my molecules apart from the inside out. Seb and Wanda had wanted another baby… but… I had gotten in the way. And now they couldn't. Because of me. Because I had forced myself into their lives. I had ruined things for them. I–

I wanted to apologize. But if I did, they would tell me that it wasn't my fault and that they didn't blame me– but they didn't have to blame me for it to still be my fault– I had messed things up for them– and if I tried to apologize, they'd get worried about me blaming myself and then they'd get stressed because I was stressed and I would just be causing more trouble for them again by making this all about me again and they didn't deserve to go through that when it wasn't their fault, it was mine and–

I fled from Miz's vessel. I fled from all my vessels, going up and out into the Mindscape and holding in a scream at this whole mess.

I fled even farther. Out of this dimension altogether, slamming through my Door and into the silent Void. And once the Door slammed shut behind me, I finally screamed.

I screamed and shrieked and wailed and–

I hated myself so much.

But the worst part…

The thing that really made me want to tear my own face off–

Underneath the guilt over knowing I had messed up Seb's life–

I was so angry.

Why wasn't I good enough for them? Why did they even adopt me if they didn't want me? What had I done wrong? I haven't done anything wrong. I simple EXISTED and I just WASN'T WHAT THEY WANTED–

Why did they even make me think they wanted me if they didn't want me?! Why give me that hope? Did they just want to hurt me?!

Traitors! Traitors!

Should I have made Miz younger? Should I not have gone to live with them at all? What could I have done to not make this mistake? What was I doing wrong?

Why?!Fuck them!Why?!FUCK THEM!Why?!

I screamed and kicked at some random Door, punting it off and away into the distance. It slammed into a couple other Doors with a satisfying 'CLUNK!' that made me feel a little better.

But it wasn't enough. I was so PISSED. I screamed again, stomped around on not-ground, kicked another Door, punched another, kicked a Door again–

All I could hear was a buzzing sound. It drowned out my own screaming. Or perhaps it was my screaming? My vision spun, blurring and twisting out into static as I continued lashing out in my Dreamscape. Something was pulled so tight inside me, fraying, tearing–

They say your flashes before your eyes when you're about to die. I think that's bullshit, especially since I HAVE died and I sure as hell wasn't doing any life flashing. But I was having some life flashing right now, though it wasn't flashing so much as I was looking through all my memories of our time together and trying to figure out where I'd done wrong. They seemed perfectly happy to have me around, they did, right? Were they happy? Was I really so stupid I hadn't noticed how dissatisfied Seb was with me?

As I scoured through my memories of the happy times, I felt my rage slowly subsiding. The buzzing died down, the tension relaxed, and with my rage no longer filling me, I just felt sad again.

What did I do wrong?

I sobbed and weakly slapped at another Door. I paused as I looked at my hand. I only now realized I wasn't a triangle. My hands were clawed and covered in yellow bricks. I wasn't sure what I looked like, but… I wasn't in the mood to care anymore.

I curled up, lying in the Void and sniffling. I was feeling betrayed. I kept trying to figure out what I had done wrong. I couldn't just…

I felt the irritation creeping up again as my mood continued to fluctuate.

I was so upset.

I wanted to do something.

As mad as I was, I wanted to do something to mess with– I just wanted to let loose and fuck everything up.

I could feel the itching of static along my skin. Long tendrils wrapped around Seb's Door and pulled me towards it. I trailed a claw down the edges, warring with myself on if I was really gonna do this or not. As long as no one gets hurt, it'll be fine.

I kicked open the Door.