Illusion is Reality

-Chapter 189

I landed back in Seb's dimension, seething and ready to mess shit up.

Then I felt a slap on Xin's snout and I was back in that vessel, because what?!

I blinked up at Amelie. Oh right. She did say she was coming back… wait.

There were tons of seals, sea lions, dolphins… just all the aquatic mammals. What was happening?!

'Finally awake?' Amelie huffed, booping my snout again. I rubbed my snout, my anger put on hold for the moment. 'What?' I asked, looking around at all the animals… er… correction, various Selkie and their subspecies. 'Sorry, I… I'm busy. I have to go.' I didn't want to be distracted. I didn't want to have Amelie try whatever cheering up she wanted to do. I was angry, I had been lied to, betrayed–

I swam up, pushing them out of my way. I'll have to apologize to Amelie later. Bursting out of the water and into the sky, I made my way away to one of my less populated Islands to drop off my vessel where I would hopefully be unbothered.

And once I was sure Xin would be hidden among the tall grass in the middle of the forest, I left him and flew off to try and figure out what to do. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I wanted to break something. Clean something. Eat something. I don't know–

I flew wildly around in the Mindscape as my mind raced. I burned. I itched. I had to do something– I blinked slowly and looked at where I ended up. I was floating unseen above a large city. There were so many humans around. So many innocent people who definitely didn't do anything to me personally to deserve any of the rage I was burning through.

Still, I couldn't help it. It was like there was a pounding in my head. A screaming that echoed all through time. I wanted to let loose. I wanted to fuck shit up. I was so angry. I wanted to misbehave. Seb lied to me. He must have. Fuck fuck fuck–

My powers surged as I let them go–

[-eports are still coming in about the life sized, animated dinosaur chicken nuggets that were seen rampaging through Time Square. It's generally believed to be some sort of publicity stunt, but no one has come forward to–]

A click of the remote changes the channel.

[-eople still can't explain the sudden appearance of what can only be described as disembodied pants running around the town, picking up trash and eating them–]

Another click as the channel changed again.

[-the disappearance of everyone's left shoe–]

I steadfastly refused to meet anyone's gaze.

Miz and Xin were still 'asleep', so there I was as William, chilling in the livingroom and braiding Acedia's hair while the news played on the television. I could feel the weight of Melody and Ford's gaze but I refused to meet their eyes. I waited. Was he going to scold me, hit me, yell at me… what? Soos was giggling at the tv while Sabrina napped in his arms. "Heh! It's made of meat!" The other children just stared at the screen. "Is it yummy?" "Can we watch ca'toons n'stead?"

I tensed when Ford put a hand on my head.

"Are you feeling better? How long have you been itching to do this?" Ford asked. He sounded so gentle, I couldn't stand it. Why wasn't he mad at me? I literally had a mini Weirdmageddon all across the damn country!

"...not really. But maybe a little? I don't know." I was mad, but I didn't want to hurt anyone who didn't deserve it. And if I straight up messed with Seb and Wanda directly, they would know I was mad at them, and I didn't want to open that topic up– (Though the insidious voice in my head was whispering that I could Curse him with bad hair days and he would never realize it was me…) And I DID mess with Seb a LITTLE bit. I tied his shoelaces together. And made a stain on one of his shirts in a hard to notice location. And switched out his shaving cream with whipped cream. And… er… ok I guess he would realize I was messing with him– but nothing he'd notice right away aside from the shoelace thing and Zoe does that to him at least once a month so–

Ford ruffled my hair a little. "Well, you should relax and let loose more. Just discuss with me, we can figure out a good place for you to have fun without causing trouble like this. Your little Minigeddon is a little too noticeable." he did scold a little, but it was a gentle scolding. Oh my god he called it a Minigeddon, I shouldn't find that so cute, but I did. Fuck~

I tensed more, but I couldn't tell him that I did this because I was pissed. He would ask why I was pissed. I couldn't tell him. He might tell Seb, and then Seb would be all sad and guilty and blame himself (hate himself, let his own anxiety and depression hurt him, I couldn't stand the thought of it. He's suffered enough– he's already suffering because of me, and as angry as I was at him, I didn't want to hurt him either–) even though he didn't do anything wrong. I was the one who interjected myself into his life–

But I was still so angry-

I merely shrugged, still not looking at Ford. What was I even supposed to do? "Why aren't you mad at me?"

"No deaths, all the wacky phenomena went away after around 10 minutes or so, aside from the missing shoes, no one's particularly distressed and from what I've seen online, people seem to have found this all funny more than anything else." Ford gave me a pat. "You must have been bored."

...the fuck was I supposed to respond with?! This didn't help at all! I still didn't know what to do with… my parents…

I refused to leave Wanda's house. My little brother and sister still needed me… for now. But if… if they really didn't want me there… I'll leave. 'Miz' was grown up, she was supposed to be moving out anyway, right? Ugh, I think Miz was 18 or 19 now? Why the fuck were the years going by so fast?! I swear Miz was just 15 recently– (If I didn't know better, I'd think Time has been screwy in this dimension since Time Baby died, but that can't be it, right? Even if Time Baby isn't here anymore, there was still God who was in charge of– wait, didn't he retire? Oh shit, yeah, he retired. Lucifer's in charge now. Wait, did Lucy even know how to handle Time? Uhhh a question to wonder another time. I know for a fact that uncle Ax hasn't been taking care of it–) Or perhaps the pandemic has fucked with everyone's sense of time, even my own?

I finished tying the ribbon in Acedia's hair and gave her a little kiss on the top of her head. She squealed and got off my lap to show everyone, leaving me and Ford alone on our side of the couch. Someday, Zach and Zoe would be old enough they didn't need me anymore. And… Seb and Wanda had mentioned they wanted me out of their house eventually. So… yeah. I'll…. Leave. When the time comes.

I was so angry. Why was I so angry? It wasn't even the white hot anger I was used to, the kind that burned vicious and sharp before fading away just as quickly. This was different, it was painful and simmering, just beneath the surface…

And now I couldn't help but worry if Ford might… also be wishing for something that I couldn't provide for him. Seb had wanted a real child to raise. What did Ford want? What was I unable to give him?

"Hey, are you… angry about how I showed you how to make a Binding circle?" I asked quietly, allowing the children's chattering to cover our conversation.

Ford sighed. "I'm not angry, just a little tired. And no, your little stunt here isn't going to make me use it on you, if that's what you were trying to do." He shuffled over on the couch. "You seem less sick than you were earlier. Did making those dinosaurs help? Is this good for you?"

...honestly yes. But that's just because my energy was finally used for something actually chaotic. I hated how good I felt after it. I hated wanting to do it some more. "I guess. Where would I be allowed to do it again?"

"In some deserted place with no people would be the best." Ford said calmly, "But you need an audience, don't you?"

I pulled my legs up to my chest and shrugged. Yes, I craved an audience. It just didn't feel the same if someone wasn't there to react to it. I hated that part of myself. Why couldn't I just cause mayhem alone with no one around to see it? Why did my feelings get no satisfaction unless I'm getting a rise out of people?

Either way, I'm just… upset. Annoyed? Sad, mostly. Frustrated. But… also… I felt better. Because of the dino nuggets I sent to rampage through New York city. Because there was less litter in San Francisco after the pants ate them all and then burst into sparkles. I was keeping the shoes, I have a shoe vault now. And there were the other random things I did, like making it rain in an area that was in a heavy drought (confusing people SO much!), and also growing one of my Meat Trees in the backyard of this vegan lady who was bullying people online and trying to shame them into being vegans as well. That was fun. The looks on people's faces was fun. And no one got hurt. I made sure no one got trampled by either my dinos or other humans running around in a panic. And after a few minutes of confused terror at my creations, I made the dinos explode into normal sized chicken nuggets. All the pieces wrapped in a little ziplock bag so they were still clean enough to eat, of course. (Damn I'm seriously too much. Ford might be right, I think I have a problem. But also, it would be such a waste of food if the dino nuggets ended up on the ground!) The meat tree would wither away in a few days or so, I'm just trying to give her an existential crisis.

"Hey, it's ok. You're a literal god of chaos. If you need to do stuff like this sometimes, that's fine. No one was hurt, I know you made sure of that. Just ask first next time so we can find a place for it."

I just shrugged again. I was too tired to punish myself for causing trouble and having fun, even disregarding the fact that I allowed myself to cause trouble as some way of acting out in response to feeling betrayed. Once again, I hated this part of myself. But I couldn't deny that letting loose like this felt… so good.

"...William, please look at me." I gave him a brief glance before looking away again. "Bill, I'm not going to use a Binding circle on you." Ford stated firmly.

"Don't make promises to not. You might have to Bind me for my own good someday." I warned him. Ford sighed, dropping his head to lean on mine. "Do you want me to bind you?"

I pulled my lips into a smirk, "Would be kinky."

"You're joking to avoid the question."

I buried my face in my knees. "...honestly, no. Even if it's you, even if it's a Binding that won't hurt me in any way, it's still scary."

"Then why?"

"Because you're helpless to defend yourself from me." I kept my voice down. "You're so…" I didn't want to say weak, because he wasn't. "...powerless…" even Blue's Sixer had some kinda magical powers to fight and kill. My Sixer was just human. He knew some magic, but it took him time to do anything with it. He couldn't send out blasts of energy, or sprout tentacles, or bitch slap a demon out of existing. He had his guns, sure, but it wasn't quite the same? Also, he's not quite combat ready anymore, since settling down for life on Earth, though he's still keeping in shape. The circle will take time to set up, but there were so many ways around it. Could make it into a stamp, with just a small part of the circle incomplete for you to put it in yourself. Or get the circle on two halves of one of those friendship necklaces so you can press the two halves together to complete the circle and activate the Binding. Or even just carry around a piece of fabric with the circle sewn into it, keeping the fabric folded in half until you wanna use it and activating it by holding it unfolded–

"Hey, I'm not–" Ford paused. "Ok fine, I don't have any way to stop you from doing something that you want to do."

"See?"

"But why do I need to? Why do I need to stop you? You're not going to do anything terrible."

"You don't know that." I was literally messing with Seb just a few minutes earlier, not that Ford knew. Would he be mad if he knew? I bet he would. I bet he'd hate me. So much for 'You wouldn't hurt us.' you idiot! I would totally hurt you! You're not safe from me. No one is. The only way to ensure your safety is if you can take me down.

"Yes I do!" He didn't quite raise his voice, the two of us keeping our 'fight' as quiet as possible. "Bill, if I believed you were a threat to my family, I would have already shot you."

"Which wouldn't stop me." I oh so helpfully pointed out.

Ford sighed. "Why don't you believe in yourself?"

"Because I know I have awful impulse control. I know I like to do things without thinking things through. I knew that even though I know this, I still don't think things through enough. I know that when I'm upset I'll lash out at things and people and…"

"And no one was hurt by the dino nuggets, right? There were no reported cases of injury or death for any of the incidents, just a brief startled panic followed by laughter once people realized it wasn't dangerous. And I know you made sure no one was hurt. That's not some impulsive thing, you were able to plan enough to care about people's safety. I'm a little confused why you made the dino nuggets in New York though."

"Large audience, very public, would be on the news." I was sort of waiting for Seb and Wanda to see. For them to see how I've broken one of their explicitly stated rules. Hide my magic. What now? Were they gonna be mad? Would they punish me for breaking their rules?

Part of me was a little looking forward to it. They'll finally punish me as I deserve for being horrible. That would be so much better than all this kind understanding and reassurances that I was a good person that just made me feel so much worse–

I hated how everyone insisted on LYING to me.

"Hey, there's probably a way for us to find an audience for you to be as Weird as you want with. You know?" Ford nudged my shoulder. I glanced over. Was he really trying to–

"Like what?" I can acknowledge that I was sulking and not wanting to confront my mom and Seb right now, which was why I was hiding out with Ford. I was mad at Seb, I know it wasn't his fault. But I was still mad, and until I was not mad anymore, I didn't want to be around them. It's ok, I'll eventually calm down. I hope. Once my stupid feelings stop feeling so hard.

"The Center. I'm sure my staff would love to watch you let loose."

"Isn't that dangerous for your staff?"

"Please, we have at LEAST three fires a day." Ford waved off. I did snort at that. "I'm pretty sure we all have to be a little crazy to be working there." He seemed to notice something in my expression, and smiled, "Come on, are my staff not a good enough audience for you?"

"And which 'me' are you wanting them to see?" I drawled. "They know that you're dating Xin and Yun. But only Fiddleford has met William." Ford hasn't allowed me to bring William out in public. Something about how I was 'too obviously an alien'.

Ford paused. "Oh, well I suppose Xin, Yun and Miz would all be fine."

"Not William?" I had to ask. Ford rubbed his head sheepishly. "Why not William?" I added.

To my surprise, he pulled me into a hug, I let out a squeak as he placed me right on his lap. "Because… I kind of want to keep you to myself." He muffled into my hair. "You're too cute. I don't wanna share you. It's bad enough that my staff keep lusting over Xin and Yun."

I blinked. "...you don't like that your staff are attracted to me?" I mean yeah, I DID run around seducing everyone just for the fun of it years ago, but I haven't done that in a while. Mainly because I've been stuck at the Shack taking care of the kids.

"You like flaunting how pretty you are for the sake of attention, and I…" Ford sighed. "I admit, I get kind of uncomfortable about that sometimes. Fine, I'm a little upset about it, ok?" Oh, was this his insecurities?

"But the only one I want is you." I tilted my head back. "I'm not gonna date any of them." I paused. "I do the whole seducing thing with Jan all the time too. And it doesn't mean I want to be with any of my fans? I'm yours and yours alone."

"I know that. I know you're just messing with people, but… I just…" Ford tightened his hold on me. I got the feeling he'd been holding this in for a while, and just hadn't found a good time to talk about it. Well, here we are now. "I still don't like sharing you sometimes."

A squirmy feeling spread through me. Something about that possessive tilt to his tone. I pressed my legs together. "You want me all to yourself?" I was going for teasing, but it came out more serious than I was aiming for.

"Of course." He whispered into my ear, sending shudders up and down my back. "You're mine. And sometimes I worry that you'll get bored of me. I don't like when other people look at you and want you. You're so cute, I'm afraid they'll try to take you from me."

"Even if they tried, I'm still yours. And you're still mine. I claimed you." I pulled down at the bottom of my shirt, rubbing my legs together as the squirmy feeling got stronger. I couldn't get off his lap, with the way he had his arms wrapped around me, and the tickling feeling of his breathing was–

Ford moved one arm down, his hand finding mine and twining our fingers together. "Sometimes it feels like I'll lose you, and I don't want to let you go." He kissed my ear, "You're mine."

Oh no, I was so turned on right now!

"Hey kids! Let's all go hang out in the playroom!" Melody said loudly before shooing everyone out of the room. I glanced at her and she gave me a thumb's up. I mouthed a 'Thank you!' and she just waved me off as the kids all left. I really needed to thank her later.

"F-Ford, I think we need to move this conversation to your room." I could feel myself flushing hot.

"Someday, I hope you'd call it Our room." He lifted me right up like I weighed nothing, cradling me close. I was now turned to face him, my arms wrapped around his shoulders as he held my back.

"Only when you marry me." I mumbled into his shoulder.

"Only when I'm sure you actually want to stay with me forever." Ford shot back.

"I'm not gonna leave you." I tightened my hold on him.

"You talk of destroying yourself a lot. If you're gone, you'll be leaving me." Ford was almost in his room now. "You've asked all of us about being immortal, and I'm ok with making myself immortal, but–" Ford tightened his grip, "What's the point if you won't be there?"

I laid my head on his shoulder and deflected, "I ask myself a lot, what the point of it all is. You know? What's the point of me existing forever?" Ford sat down on his bed. Sadly, by now I wasn't all that in the 'mood' anymore. Shame. "And I drag others into it, just so I'd have company." I said bitterly.

"You drag others in because you don't want to be alone. And there's nothing wrong with that."

"But it is wrong for me to want you all to stay forever, even when I don't want to stay forever." I tilted my head back without letting go. "I'm a hypocrite, y'know?"

"Yes. It's one of the more frustrating things about you." Damn Ford for sounding so fond. This isn't something charming! He went more serious "I want to make you want to stay forever."

"Good luck, everyone seems to want to do that. And guess what? It ain't working!" I felt angry all of a sudden. Well, it wasn't sudden, I've been struggling with all these uncomfortable feelings for… a little over an hour now? Since overhearing Seb's conversation. "I'm unfixable!"

"It's not about fixing you." Ford placed his hand on my head in that way I liked. "I just want to figure out why you're–" He paused. "Is it the kids?"

"What?!" I jolted back at THAT jump in logic.

"You've been getting progressively worse since the kids were born." Ford stated.

"But that's not their– it's not because of them!" Blue had seemed to be disappointed in me when he saw them. Well, no, not disappointed, more like… cold? Closed off? Mad? Annoyed? No, none of those words worked either. But whatever it was, he certainly wasn't happy. And none of that was the kids' fault. It's not their fault I started feeling like I was losing Blue, like I did something wrong to piss him off somehow. And it was on me for getting so stupidly invested.

"The kids are not the problem." I glared, rather irritated that he was even insinuating that.

"I'm not saying they're a problem. But you're not doing well."

"I've never been well." I pointed out. "I'm just fucked up."

"Ashton says such self depreciation is toxic."

"Linda says that too." I shrugged. I knew she was right. I knew I shouldn't be doing this to myself. But I just did. Some kind of fucked up spite and frustration that made me compelled to seek out reasons to be miserable. I was so angry and I didn't know why most of the time. I was holding onto something twisted tight, it hurt to hold and every moment I spent with it just made it worse, but I refused to let go.

"You're not as fun as you used to be."

Ford's words sent a spike of panic through me.

"You're purposely making yourself less fun." Ford continued. "You set aside times to act more fun, as if you're trying to pretend everything is fine, but it's not fine." He continued petting me. "The Monster Falls incident was probably the most fun you've had here in a while. And that was a couple years ago."

"What do you want from me, then?" I needed to pretend harder, perhaps?

"What's wrong? What's making you so upset?"

"I don't think it's ok to unload on you. I've done that too much already."

"Well you clearly aren't telling Linda about whatever's wrong."

"I tell Linda about past stuff for us to work through. We're already busy with other things." I rolled my eye. "Like how apparently my whole personality is a trauma response. So…. Yay? I don't actually have a real personality. Woo~"

"I'm sure that's not what that means. You're just trying to change the subject."

"And here I thought I handled the transition SO smoothly." I snarked.

"Why are you trying so hard to NOT get better? You… don't want to heal. You don't want to be happy. It's almost like you're trying to use your misery as an excuse to want to die–"

Ford froze. I just looked away.

"That's it, isn't it?" Ford sighed. "But why? Why are you trying so hard to–"

"I don't know." I grabbed his arms, pulling his hand off my head. "I just feel this way."

"And clearly, it's not– this is stupid!" Ford glared. "You know it's stupid! I know you know that– why?!"

"Maybe I'm just a naturally toxic person and that's just how it is." I almost spat. "Maybe I just don't want to try anymore but everyone still expects me to so the only way I can justify not wanting to try anymore is to find reasons to give up. Maybe I just want everyone to know how awful I am so they'll give up on trying to help me and I can just die in peace knowing it wouldn't hurt anyone if I was gone!"

"But it WOULD hurt us if you were gone." Ford winced at how tightly I was gripping him. "We love you."

"Maybe you shouldn't!" I could hear my voice crack, "It would be so much easier to get rid of myself if you didn't."

"Then sorry not sorry, because we're just going to have to make it difficult for you. Because we're not going to stop loving you. So you won't be able to get out of this that easily." He gave me a poke on where a nose would be if I had one. "We're going to be incredibly sad if you died, so you won't be able to do that without hurting us."

"When everyone's dead, they wouldn't hurt when I died." I snarked.

Ford gave me a serious frown, "But I'll be here and I'll be very hurt. Especially because I wouldn't have you anymore. You're mine. I don't want you to leave me. I won't–" Ford pulled me into a hug, "Fuck you for putting me through this. And fuck me for still wanting you."

I felt another shudder go through me. Fuck, why? Why did that make me feel so good?

"Why?" Why did he love me? I still didn't know. I know that his 'type' was someone who was intelligent. Which seriously made me question his choice because I'm fucking stupid. Sure I knew the information to things he wanted to know, but I'm just a glorified Google search– Knowing lots of things didn't make me intelligent. Also, I couldn't help but think about how he could easily just fall for someone else who was actually intelligent. I could offer him unlimited power and supplies for whatever he wanted, was that why he loved me? I doubt I'm any fun to hang out with, especially recently. Why hadn't he just given up? Why did he try so hard when I just keep being awful and annoying and frustrating and hurtful?

All at once I just got angry.

"Why do you bother?!" I was kneeling on his lap, gripping the front of his sweater. Ford didn't seem phased by my moodswing, just moving his hands onto my shoulders. I grit my teeth, hissing through them as the Unicorn Barrier around us bumped against my Self. I had to lower the frequency of my energy, to make it match the barrier again. There was no such thing as full relaxation here.

Ford held my shoulders and told me directly, "Because I love you and I want to keep you with me."

"And what'll you do if I betray you?" I didn't want to know. But I asked anyway. I was just angry. I was worried. Ford had loved his Bill before, and been betrayed. I didn't want to put him through that again.

"You won't."

"You don't know that!" I wailed. "Don't do that!"

"Do what? Believe in you?"

"YES!" I threw my hands in the air, narrowly missing his glasses. "Stop trusting me so damn much!"

"You need to calm down."

"I AM CALM!" I calmly replied. I was totally calm. Don't at me.

"Is it really so distressing for me to trust you?" Ford pulled my hands back down and to my sides.

"Yes!" I kicked my legs. "It's too much pressure!" I can't live up to it! I'm going to mess up! Some kind of mistake or accident would happen and everyone will think I did it on purpose and hate me anyway! "You shouldn't have such high expectations of me! I can't–"

The worst feeling in the world is when I didn't intend to do something wrong but people think I did. I hated that feeling. It made me want to tear myself apart. And I have done that before. So many times. Because people don't listen to me. They won't believe me. No one's on my side. I know me, I know I'm going to make mistakes no matter how hard I try. And then everyone around me would assume I'm doing it on purpose and hate me for it–

So if they didn't believe in me, then they wouldn't be surprised or feel betrayed when I inevitably screwed up. Right?

"What are you so afraid of?" Ford curled his fingers into my scalp.

"That I'm going to fuck this up." I realized I was shaking. "I'm going to hurt you. And the kids. Because that's what I do. Because I don't know how to treat people like people or have fun without playing and I don't know what I'm supposed to behave like–" I gripped Ford's shirt again and pulled him sharply, "And don't fucking say 'be yourself' because I don't even know what the fuck that means!" If I've been masking all my life, what did that mean for me? What is the real me? Is there even a real me? My entire personality is made up of trauma responses so where the fuck did that leave me?!

Ford planted a kiss on my forehead. "Everyone is going to fuck things up sometimes. Hell, I worry about fucking things up too." He continued scratching at my scalp, getting an involuntary shudder out of me. "If something goes wrong, let's promise that we'll talk to each other and try to explain it first, before doing anything drastic." He gave me a smile. "I'll tell everyone else about this too, so we can all promise that we'll listen and talk and explain things first."

I don't know why but that actually made me feel a little better. Even if they couldn't keep their promise, the fact that Ford tried at all was… comforting. "...promise?"

"Yes, promise." Ford gave me another kiss. "Now, what's the problem that you're worrying about? Tell them to me one at a time, and we'll see if we can figure it out."

"What if I don't want to tell you all of them?" Because there were so many that didn't need to be known.

"Only tell me the ones you're comfortable with telling me." He paused, "And your friends. I know you go back to your side often, and if I'm not there to listen, you should tell them."

"What if I'm afraid to?"

"Why? They're your friends."

"Because…" Why was I afraid to? "I dunno. I'm just scared."

"They love you. I love you. We all want you to cheer up. You need to rely on us more. You can't do this all alone."

But I didn't want to bother them.

Ford rubbed around my ear, "If you're worrying about bothering people, just know that NOT telling us all when something's wrong is actually more bothersome. Within reason of course." Well damn, did Ford suddenly develop mind reading too? Or was I just that obvious?

"I'm told that trauma dumping is wrong. So how am I supposed to know what is or isn't ok?"

"Sudden trauma dumping is stressful for the person you dump on. But if I'm asking you to tell me about it, I think that's fine. Because I'm literally asking for it because I want to know and maybe help. And maybe I can't help, but I can at least listen."

"Is this what you learned from your therapist?" I felt a small smile form.

Ford chuckled, "Yes, to be honest, a lot of what I'm saying is just stuff he's said to me." Ford sobered. "I was… an awful mess. I'm slightly less of a mess now, after working on myself and getting the help I needed." He leaned his head down against mine. "So… try and accept help too. I know it's scary. But I want you to get better too. I want to see the you who's not so scared of everything anymore. I've been much better since I figured myself out, and I'm sure you would too."

His words made sense and I understood them. But I still felt– "I don't want to change myself. I'm afraid of changing." Change is bad, from what I could understand. I didn't know what counted as change or not, but I was afraid of it regardless.

"Are you afraid that if you change, I wouldn't love you anymore?" How did Ford manage to put my feelings into words so easily?

"You love me. I don't get it. Why?" Was it really just because I manipulated him into it?

Ford continued stroking his fingers through my hair. "I love the you who was cheerful and fun and excited about life. I love the you who is working so hard and trying to carry the whole world on your own. I even love the you who is scared and keeps trying to run away from me. Because they're all still you." He sighed. "Getting better and changing yourself for the better isn't a bad thing. Hell, I changed myself. Over many years of work. You should have seen how bad I was when I first started therapy. I was an awful person, I hated Seb, hated everyone, thought myself so much better than everyone–" Ford winced, "I wasn't a good person. Still not quite a good person, but I'm decent enough." He smiled again, "I changed myself, I got better. And I think I'm much happier now that I have changed." He kissed me again. "So you can change for the better too. It won't make me love you less. You're not going to become a different person, you'll just be an upgraded version of yourself."

"What if I can't change for the better? What if I try, but I only get worse?"

"Well, I'll be here to help." Ford paused, seeing how I was still worried. "What are you afraid of?"

"I don't have a proper moral compass." I told him. "And I'm scared of being evil. Apparently I'm already evil, so I don't know. I'm… I could easily Weirdmageddon this whole planet if I wanted. And I DO want to mess with things and make it a better world. Because everything is upsetting to me and I'm afraid that if I change, I might become someone who won't be held back anymore. And then I might force Weirdmageddon on everyone because I won't be so hesitant about it." My doubts and fears were all that kept me in check. My belief that EVERYTHING I do is going to end up horribly was all that prevented me from trying to Fix things.

If I started to think that what I am is acceptable, if I started to believe in myself and gain any sense of thinking that I'm actually a decent person, I might think it would be ok for me to just… Fix things to what I thought they should be. Like Blue did. Like how Blue thought he was correct in everything and knew best for everything and everyone and was gonna Fix everything everywhere and–

...I didn't want to be like Blue. The thought made something painful burn through me. It felt like my chest was being stomped on by elephants. Why didn't I want to? He was a proper Bill Cipher. He was so cool and strong and confident and I admired him so much. But the idea of being like him made me feel sick.

I didn't want to get better, be self assured, be confident in myself, believe that I was valid and deserved to be happy just like all people did– because I was afraid I would end up like Blue. If I started believing that my feelings were valid, I might think it would be ok to act on those feelings.

Even without self confidence, I was already acting on my feelings. I lashed out when I got upset. Always have. Because I spent my childhood being oppressed by the Shapes around me, unable to defend myself or fight back. So now that I had the power to fight back, I lashed out, almost reflexively, to anything that upset me. I knew how to hurt people. And I did so, with nothing stopping me.

I hated this part of myself. And if I was already this bad even with my doubts holding me back, how much worse would I become if I began to think I had any right to feel how I felt?

"But you're not evil." Ford tried to tell me. It was a lie, not because Ford was lying to me, but because he stupidly believed it. I could understand the difference between purposely lying, and simply believing a falsehood.

"You know I've killed people. Untold numbers of them." I was blunt and to the point. "And many of those weren't even accidents. I enjoyed some of them."

"I've killed too." Ford didn't back down.

"You did it to protect yourself and Stan." Not like me. He wasn't like me.

"Sure." Ford shrugged, letting me have this win. "And Pyronica eats people." He laid out his attack.

"Her species is made for eating people. And she asks first before taking a partner now." My counter was swift.

"But she didn't always." Ford pointed out. "I'm guessing she only asks first because you told her to. Because you're a kind person and you didn't want people dying unnecessarily."

"OBJECTION!" I couldn't help blurting out, "This line of dialogue is slipping away from our main topic!"

"Well then, how about this? Of the people you killed on purpose and enjoyed doing so, how many were some form of child abuser?"

Augh! His attack hit square on! "...most…" I ground out through gritted teeth.

"Bill, just concede that you're not 100% a dick."

"...80%..." I mumbled.

"I'm pretty sure I'm at least 85% so you're just gonna have to accept your loss." His snark game was strong. I've taught him well. "And that means, you have no excuse not to let yourself change and be better." He leaned in for the final attack, "Because you're a wonderful, kind person, who has some serious issues, but you just need to work on those and you'll definitely become better."

"I literally messed with Seb earlier today." I confessed as a last ditch effort to try and gain some ground in this argument.

Ford raised an eyebrow, "What did Seb do?"

"Shouldn't you be mad? Or at least ask what horrible thing I did to him?!"

"You probably tied his shoelaces together." Ford deadpanned.

"...and a few other things." I flushed.

"So what did Seb do?" Ford repeated.

Uuuuugh…. "It's nothing bad. He didn't do anything wrong. I'm just stupid and I got upset."

"What did Seb do?" He repeated again.

"...I don't wanna talk about it." I didn't want to, nor did I plan on telling anyone, if I could help it. It was stupid. Seb hadn't done anything wrong. He just… didn't get what he wanted. I wasn't what he truly wanted. He just adopted me because… I dunno. He's a nice person. Was it kindness? Was it pity? Was it just him and Wanda wanting to get me official documentation? Either way, I was still angry they went through the effort of adopting me and making me think I was wanted, when I wasn't even what they wanted.

"Is it that bad?"

"No!" I shook my head, squeezing my eye shut. "He didn't do anything wrong!"

"But you're still upset."

"I'm always upset. That's the problem. Everything makes me upset. Even when it's not his fault and he didn't do anything wrong." I know I shouldn't be so mad, I have no right to be mad when I'm the one who was causing trouble for Seb and Wanda.

"And what do you want to do about your feelings?"

"...lash out. Which I already did. I'm tired. I probably won't mess with Seb anymore than I already have."

"But you're still not satisfied." Ford went back to petting me. "You want to make a mess, with an audience to watch."

"Unfortunately, yeah." I rolled my eye. "I'm a bitch like that."

"Well, if you won't tell me what Seb did, then let's talk about something else, like why you insist on making yourself miserable just to create an excuse for harming yourself.

I twitched, unable to look in his direction.

"Why is it that you want to die so badly? Disregarding all the misery you're forcing yourself through?"

"Dunno. Maybe I'm just tired." I shrugged, still not looking at him.

"No, there is something there, maybe you can't figure out what it is, but there is something there." He took my chin, pulled my face up, I couldn't help but grimace. "You're afraid."

"Of course I am." I finally raised my eye to look at him. "Do you know how scary it is to think about eternity? I'm billions of years old and I only bore with it because I knew when I was supposed to die. I could tell myself, 'This ain't forever. I just have to make it there and then I can finally rest.' And that was all that kept me going."

"That doesn't make any sense." Ford complained.

"So?" I countered. "What am I supposed to do for eternity?"

"Watch anime."

"Well yeah, but even I can't just spend everyday watching anime forever."

"Do other things. Sing. Cook. Eat. Run through the woods. Pet an animal. Try on cute clothes. Talk with me. There's tons of stuff you like to do!"

"...but what's the point of it all?" What's my purpose? Is there anything important or useful? Everything he's listed off were nothing more than personal satisfaction. What is the point?

"To LIVE!" Ford shook me. "You're working too hard! Didn't you come here to relax and take a domestic break from all the demon shenanigans in your own dimension?!"

That was before I realized I couldn't relax here either. Everyone expected things from me. I had so many responsibilities. I had so much work to do. "That was before. Things changed, the situation changed. I can't–"

"Yes you can!" Ford gripped tight on my shoulders. "Just fucking– LET YOURSELF ENJOY THINGS!" He breathed heavily. "You're working so hard so that everyone can enjoy their lives, but what about you? You deserve to be happy too!"

That feeling I hated came over me again. "No, I don't." I didn't deserve to be happy because I haven't fixed anything. Nothing mattered if I couldn't right my wrongs and set things back to neutral– except I couldn't apologize for anything, and I couldn't fix anything. And it felt unfair if I was allowed to be fully happy when I haven't fixed anything–

"Yes you DO you fucking idiot!" Ford gripped my shoulders hard enough I winced. "You only allow yourself brief moments of happiness and then immediately force yourself to be miserable again! That's fucking stupid!"

"So?"

"Quit doing that! It's so annoying! And no, I don't mean, 'hide how miserable you are', I mean–"

No, I got what he meant. I understood what he wanted, what everyone wanted. They wanted me to just stop being such a bitch and being no fun. I get it. I did. I kinda wanted to do that, to just… go back to the way things were before all of this. But was I allowed to? What did I have to do to feel like I was allowed to? Yes, punishing myself for having fun was stupid, I got that. I just– I had to do something. I felt so uncomfortable inside.

"I feel like I haven't resolved any of the things I need to apologize for. And I don't feel right being happy when I haven't fixed anything."

"It's NOT your job to fix anything. It's not your responsibility to fix anything– OR to apologize to anyone for whatever it is that you did!"

I knew what he was trying to say, I just couldn't accept it. "If I have the power to do something and I don't, then what kind of lazy ass bitch am I?" I spat bitterly.

"You're a demon-god who is overwhelmed, and tired, and needs to take a break to let loose and be as crazy as you need to be!" Ford shook me again. "And it's OK for you to need those things!" He grit his teeth together. "You need an audience. I didn't realize until now how important that was." I was feeling kinda dizzy from the shaking, so I didn't respond. I yelped when he pulled me into a hug. I floundered a bit before wrapping my arms around his lower back.

"You have my permission to let loose in this dimension as long as no one is hurt or killed." His voice was so close, I was pressed so tight against his chest. That tightness barely managed to hold me when his words registered and I let out a violent shudder.

"Don't." I gasped as I let my head fall back to lock my gaze above us. I stared at the ceiling so hard my eye was watering "You shouldn't just–."

"I am giving you my express permission to go fucking wild as long as no one is hurt or killed."

"Stop that!" I dug my fingers into his back, "You don't know what you're doing!"

"If you're worried about everyone getting mad, I will take full responsibility for giving you permission."

"Don't do that!" I felt the tears trailing down my cheeks, I was staring so hard my eye was hurting. He shouldn't do that! Doesn't he realize how dangerous that is?!

"If you're still afraid, then talk to me. We can figure out locations and such if that'll make you more comfortable."

"What is WRONG with you?!" I clenched my teeth. What is wrong with everyone?! Do the people here have no sense of self preservation?! "Do you even realize how DANGEROUS that is?!"

"It's because I trust you."

"I literally made a Minigeddon today!"

"And no one was hurt or killed." He stated.

...you know what? I'm gonna blame the native Bill Cipher for this. He actually killed people here. That's why they think I'm trustworthy by default. Uuuuugh!

"But seriously, if you don't feel like being Weird with my staff is the right flavor of attention you want, you could run a haunted house or some sort of escape room and I bet that would get you the audience you want, with people who were consenting to be put through anything weird that you do."

I froze. That… was actually a pretty good idea. Why hadn't I thought of that? It would be something like the Maze of Knowledge I made, but different. But…

"Where'd you learn what an escape room is?" My curiosity overrode my self pity for the moment.

"The interns." Ford rolled his eyes before patting my head again. "Bill, I know you're being stupid right now and just… being stubborn. But, if me being your boyfriend means anything, can't you at least quit beating yourself up for everything, for me? I get sad when I see you doing that to yourself. And frankly, I know that even if I give you free reign, you still wouldn't be going around killing innocent people and destroying cities like other Bill Ciphers. Can you please just… don't hate yourself just because you think you're supposed to?"

"I don't wanna make any promises."

"Then don't. Just… tell me when something's wrong. I want to help. Let me help. I love you, I just want you to want to live, so you'll stay with me."

"I'm not leaving you." I sighed.

"You know what I mean. Can you at least try to keep me informed of what's wrong so I can help?"

"Kay." I felt uncomfortable. He said I had his permission for whatever, but I knew that if I DID go around destroying cities, it was still a no-no. I could understand that spoken words and hidden implications were two different things. Well, its not like I wanted to destroy any cities here (yet). But there was so much I wanted to mess with. To fix all the things I thought was wrong. But I knew that even if he said I could, I wasn't allowed to.

I don't know if Ford understands that. Regardless, I'm still going to limit myself. I can't risk going all out here. Or anywhere.

If I want to be able to be around other people, I have to suppress myself. That's just how it worked. It's how it's always worked.

The Shapes didn't like how weird I was. So I kept my hobbies behind closed doors. People in general don't think being caught in a Weirdness Wave to be fun, so I tried my best to keep the damage to a minimum.

But sometimes…

...I fantasized about just running through a city like I was Godzilla. Or fighting a giant robot and shooting laser beams that could vaporize mountains. Or just letting go and seeing what my powers might do because I was bored and curious.

And I know those were all things that would upset people. So I didn't.

Damn everyone for telling me it was ok for me to do these things. That's a lie. It's not ok. I know it wasn't ok. And I still wanted to do it. So I know I'm awful. Why didn't anyone understand that?

So I told Ford 'Kay' and resolved to figure out a way to pretend better. Hopefully, he'll fall for it and stop worrying so much.

I figured I had time to test out different kinds of pretend to see what worked best.

And then Ford got the phone call informing him about his father being hospitalized. And that the old man wanted to see his sons before he passed.

Well shit.