JENNIE
Nine days. Nine days have gone by without a single word from Lisa. I didn't think it was possible for me to go a single day without speaking to her, let alone nine. It feels like one hundred, honestly, though each hour does hurt microscopically less than the prior one. It hasn't been easy, not even close to that. Marco made a call to Mr. Vance asking that I be allowed to take the rest of the week off, which only meant missing one day anyway. I know I'm the one who left, the one who walked away, but it kills me that she hasn't even tried to get in touch with me. I have always given more in the relationship, and this was her chance to show me how she truly feels.
I guess in a way she's showing me—it's just that what she feels is the opposite of what I had desperately wanted. Needed.
I know that Lisa loves me, I do. However, I also know that if she loves me as much as I thought she did, she would have made it a point to show me by now. She said she wasn't going to let this go, but she did. She let it go, and she let me go. The part that scares me the most is that the first week I was walking around completely lost. I was lost without Lisa. Lost without her witty comments. Lost without her crude remarks. Lost without her assurance and her confidence. Lost without the way she'd sometimes draw circles on my hand while holding it between her's, the way she'd kiss me for no reason and smile at me when she thought I wasn't looking. I don't want to be lost without her; I want to be strong. I want my days and nights to be just the same whether I'm alone or not. I'm beginning to suspect I may always be alone, as dramatic as the thought seems; I wasn't happy with Kai, yet Lisa and I didn't work. Maybe I'm like my mother in that way. Maybe I'm better off alone.
I didn't want it to be over this way, so cut-and-dried. I wanted to talk about everything, I wanted her to answer my calls so we could come to some sort of agreement. I just needed space, I needed a break from her to show her that I'm not her doormat. It backfired on me because she obviously doesn't care as much as I thought she did. Maybe this was her plan all along: get me to break up with her. I've known a few girls who go that route when leaving their boyfriends.
During the first day I did expect a call, text, or hell, I really expected Lisa to come bursting through the door screaming at the top of her lungs and causing a scene while her family and I sat in the dining room in silence, no one quite sure what to say to me. When that didn't happen, I lost it. Not crying-in-the-corner, feeling-sorry-for-myself lost it. I mean I lost myself. Every second I lived in anticipation of Lisa coming back to grovel for my forgiveness. I almost gave in that day. I almost went back to the apartment. I was ready to tell her to hell with marriage, I don't care if she lies to me every day and doesn't respect me, as long as she never leaves me. Thankfully, I snapped out of that and salvaged some respect for myself.
Day three was the worst. Day three was when the realization really began to hit me. Day three was when I finally spoke after three days of near silence, having only muttered a simple yes or no to Jisoo or Karen during their awkward attempts to engage me in conversation. The only sounds that actually came out were a strangled sob and a choppy explanation through tears of why my life would be better, easier, without her that even I didn't believe. Day three was when I finally looked in the mirror at my dirty and bruised face, my eyes swollen to the point of barely opening. Day three was when I fell to the floor, finally praying to God to make the pain disappear. No one can handle this pain, I told Him. Not even me. Day three I called her, I couldn't help myself. I told myself that if she answers we would work it out and both come to a compromise, apologizing profusely and promising to never leave each other again. Instead, I got her voicemail after two rings, proving that she rejected the call.
Day four, I slipped and called her again. This time she had the courtesy to let it ring to voicemail instead of pressing ignore. Day four was when I realized how much more I actually care for her than she does me. Day four was when I spent the entire day in bed reliving the few times she actually told me how she felt about me. I began to realize that most of our relationship and how I portrayed her feelings for me in my mind was just that . . . in my mind. I began to realize that while I was thinking we could do this, we could make this work forever, she wasn't thinking about me at all.
That was the day I decide to join the ranks of normal teenagers and had Jisoo show me how to download music onto my phone. Once I started, I couldn't stop. Over one hundred songs were added, and headphones were put in my ears and barely removed for almost twenty-four hours. The music helps a lot. To hear about other people's pain reminds me that I'm not the only one to suffer in life. I'm not the only one who loved someone who didn't love them enough to fight for them.
Day five was when I finally showered and attempted to go to class. I went to yoga, hoping that I could handle the memories it would evoke. I felt strange walking around in a sea of cheery college students. I used all the energy I had in hoping that I wouldn't run into Lisa on campus. I was past the stage of wanting her to call. I managed to drink half of my coffee that morning, and Jisoo told me that the color was coming back into my cheeks. No one seemed to notice me, and that was exactly what I wanted. Professor Song assigned us to write down our biggest fears when it comes to life and how they relate to faith and God. "Are you afraid to die?" she asked us. Aren't I already dead? I answered silently.
Day six was a Tuesday. I began to speak in sentences, broken sentences that usually didn't relate to the subject at hand, but no one had the heart to call me out on it. I returned to Vance. Kimberly couldn't meet my eyes for the first part of the day, but she finally attempted to have a conversation, which I couldn't bring myself to participate in. She mentioned a dinner, and I reminded myself to ask her again when I can think straight. The day was spent staring at the first page of a manuscript that, no matter how many times I read and reread it, wouldn't soak in. I ate that day, more than just the rice or a banana I had in the days before. Karen made a ham—I only noticed because it reminded me that she made one for the dinner Lisa and I had here in the beginning. The images from that night, the picture of her sitting next to me and holding my hand under the table, sent me back into my tragic state, making me spend the night in the bathroom vomiting up the small bit of food I had consumed.
As day seven dragged on I began to imagine what would happen if I didn't have to feel this pain anymore. What if I just disappeared? The thought terrified me—not because of my death, but because my mind was capable of going to such a dark place. That thought snapped me out of my downward spiral and brought me to the closest thing to reality my mind can handle. I changed my shirt and vowed to never step foot in Lisa's bedroom again, no matter what happened. I began to look up apartments that I could afford close to Vance, and online classes at WCU. I enjoy academics too much to close myself off and take online classes, so I ultimately decided against it, but I found a few apartments to look into.
Day eight I smiled, briefly, but everyone noticed. Day eight was the first morning that I grabbed my usual donut and coffee when I arrived at Vance. I kept it down and even went back for more. I saw Taehyung, who told me I looked beautiful despite my wrinkled clothes and hollow eyes. Day eight was the shift, day eight was the first day that only half of my time was spent wishing that things had gone differently between Lisa and me. I heard Marco and Karen discussing Lisa's birthday in a few days, and I was surprised to only feel a slight burn in my chest at the sound of her name.
Day nine is today.
"I'll be downstairs!" Jisoo calls through the door of "my" bedroom.
No one has even mentioned me leaving, or where I would go if I did. I'm grateful for it, but at the same time I know my presence will eventually be a burden. Jisoo keeps assuring me that I can stay as long as I need to, and Karen reminds me how much she enjoys my company multiple times a day. But at the end of the day, they're Lisa's family. I want to make a move forward, decide where I should go and where I should live, and I'm no longer afraid.
I cannot, and refuse to, spend another day crying over a dishonest girl with tattoos who doesn't love me anymore.
When I see Jisoo downstairs, she's taking a large bite of a bagel; a dab of cream cheese rests in the corner of her mouth and her tongue darts out to retrieve it. "Morning." She smiles, her cheek full and eyes wide.
"Morning," I repeat and pour a glass of water.
She continues to stare at me while I sip my water. "What?" I finally ask her.
"You . . . well . . . you look great," she says.
"Thank you. I decided to shower and come back from the dead," I joke, and she smiles slowly as if she's unsure about my mental state. "Really, it's fine," I assure her, and she takes another bite of her bagel, finishing it.
I decide to put one in the toaster for myself and try not to notice Jisoo staring at me like I'm an animal in a zoo.
"I'm ready whenever you are," I tell her after finishing my breakfast. "Jennie, you look so gorgeous today!" Karen exclaims when she enters the kitchen.
"Thank you." I smile at her.
Today's the first day that I've taken the time to get ready, really ready and presentable. The last eight days I have gone far away from my usual neat appearance. Today I feel like myself. My new self. My "After Lisa" self. Day nine is my day.
"That dress is flattering." Karen compliments me again.
The yellow dress that Chit got me for Christmas fits well and it's very casual. I'm not going to make the same mistake as last time and attempt to wear heels to classes, so my Toms it is. Half of my hair is pinned back, with a few loose curls tapering over my face. My makeup is subtle, but I think it suits me well. My eyes burned slightly as I dragged the brown liner underneath my eye . . . makeup surely wasn't on my list of priorities during my downward spiral.
"Thank you so much." I smile again.
"Have a great day." Karen smiles, clearly surprised but very pleased at my return to the real world.
This must be what it's like to have a caring mother, someone to send you off to school with kind and encouraging words. Someone unlike my mother.
My mother . . . I have dodged all calls from her, and thankfully so. She was the last person I wanted to speak to, but now that I can breathe without wanting to rip my heart from my chest, I actually want to call her.
"Oh, Jennie, will you be riding with us to Christian's house on Sunday?" Karen asks just as I reach the door.
"Sunday?"
"The dinner they're having to celebrate their move to Seattle?" she tells me as if I should know this already. "Kimberly said she told you about it? If you don't want to go, I know they'll understand," she assures me.
"No, no. I want to go. I'll ride with you." I smile. I am ready for this. I can be in public, in a social setting, without cracking. My subconscious is mute for the first time in nine days, and I thank her before following Jisoo outside.
The weather mirrors my mood, sunny and somewhat warm for the end of January. "Are you going on Sunday?" I ask her once we get in the car.
"No, I'm leaving tonight, remember?" she replies. "What?"
She looks at me with a wrinkled brow. "I'm going to New York for the weekend. Yeri is moving into her apartment there. I told you a few days ago."
"I'm so sorry, I should've paid more attention to you instead of making it all about me," I tell her. I can't believe how selfish I've been to not even pay attention to her telling me about Yeri's move to New York.
"No, it's okay. I only briefly mentioned it, anyway. I didn't want to rub it in your face when you were . . . well, you know."
"A zombie?" I finish for her.
"Yes, a very scary zombie," she jokes, and I smile for the fifth time in nine days. It feels nice.
"When will you be back?" I ask Jisoo.
"Monday morning. I'll miss Religion, but I'll be there right after."
"Wow, that's exciting. New York will be incredible." I would love to escape, to get out of here for a while.
"I was worried about going and leaving you here," she tells me, and guilt fills me.
"Don't be! You already do way too much for me; it's time I do things for myself. I don't want you to ever think about not doing something for yourself because of me. I'm so sorry that I made you feel that way," I tell her.
"It's not your fault, it's her," she reminds me, and I nod. My headphones go back into my ears, and Jisoo smiles.
IN RELIGION, PROFESSOR SONG chooses the subject of pain. For a moment I swear he's done it on my behalf, to torture me, but when I begin to write about how pain can cause people to turn to or away from their faith and God, I'm thankful for this torture. My entry ends up being filled with thoughts about how pain can change you, how pain can make you much stronger, and in the end you don't need faith as much. You need yourself. You need to be strong and not allow pain to push you or pull you into anything.
I end up going back to the coffeehouse before yoga to acquire more energy. On my way back to yoga I pass the environmental studies building and my mind goes to Rosé. I wonder if she's in there now. I assume she is, but I don't have a clue about her schedule.
Before I can overthink it, I go inside. I have a little time before my class begins, and it's less than a five-minute walk from here.
I look around the large lobby of the building. Just like I might have expected, large trees fill most of the massive space. Sticking to the theme, the ceiling is mostly skylights, giving the illusion that it's almost nonexistent.
"Jennie?"
I turn, and indeed, there is Rosé, wearing a lab coat and thick safety goggles on top of her head that push her hair back.
"Hey . . ." I say.
She smiles. "What are you doing in here? Did you change your major?"
I adore the way her tongue hides behind her teeth when she smiles, I always have. "I was looking for you, actually."
"You were?" She seems astounded.