JENNIE
I'm getting sucked back in, back under. The memories that I shared with Lisa tug at my feet, attempting to pull me under the water.
I roll the windows down in an attempt to get some air. Rosé is so sweet to me, she's understanding and kind. She's dealt with a lot for me and I've always brushed her aside. If I could just stop being foolish, I could try with her. I can't even imagine being in a relationship right now, or really anytime soon. But maybe with time I could. I don't want Rosé to break up with Soojoo because of me if I can't give her an answer, or even a hint of an answer.
As I drive back to Jisoo's house, I'm more confused than ever.
If I could just talk to Lisa, just see her once more, I could get closure. If I could hear her say that she doesn't care, if she would be cruel to me just one last time, I could give Rosé the chance, give myself the chance.
Before I can stop myself, I grab my phone and press the button that I've been avoiding since day four. If she ignores me, I can move on. We are officially over if she doesn't answer my call. If she tells me that she's sorry and that we can work on it . . . no. I put the phone back on the seat. I've come too far to call her again, to break down again.
But I need to know.
The line goes straight to voicemail. "Lisa . . ." The words leave my lips at a frantic rate. "Lisa . . . it's Jennie. I . . . well, I need to talk to you. I'm in my car and I'm so confused . . ." I begin to cry. "Why haven't you even tried to contact me? You just let me leave, and here I am pathetically calling you and crying into your voicemail. I need to know what happened to us. Why was this time different—why didn't we fight it out? Why didn't you fight for me? I deserve to be happy, Lisa," I sob and hang the phone up.
Why did I just do that? Why did I break down and call her? I'm such an idiot—she's probably going to listen to it and laugh. She'll probably let whatever girl she's hooking up with listen to the message, and they'll laugh and laugh at my expense. I pull into a deserted parking lot to gather my thoughts before getting into another accident.
I stare at the phone and breathe in and out in order to stop crying. Twenty minutes go by and she still hasn't returned my call, or even texted me.
Why am I sitting in a parking lot at ten at night crying and calling her? I've fought myself for the last nine days to get myself to be strong, yet here I am falling apart, again. I can't let this happen. I pull out of the parking lot and drive back to Rosé's apartment. Lisa is obviously too busy to be bothered with me, and Rosé is here, honest and always here for me. I park next to her truck and take a deep breath. I have to think of myself first and what I want.
As I race up the stairs to Rosé's door, I'm at peace with myself.
I bang on the door, shifting back and forth waiting for it to open. What if I'm too late and she doesn't answer the door? I'll get what I deserve, I suppose. I should've known better than to kiss her in the middle of all of this.
When the door opens I nearly stop breathing. Rosé is wearing only black gym shorts and a sports bra her inked chest exposed.
"Jennie?" She gapes, clearly surprised.
"I . . . I don't know what I can give you, but I want to try," I tell her.
She runs her hand over her black hair and takes a deep breath. She's going to reject me, I know it.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come . . ." I can't handle any more rejection.
I turn toward the stairs and take two at a time before a hand hooks my arm and Rosé turns me around to face her.
She doesn't say anything at all; she just takes my hand in her and leads me back up the stairs and inside her apartment.
Rosé is calm, so quiet and understanding as we sit on her couch, her on one side and me on the other. She's completely different from what I'm used to with Lisa. When I don't want to talk, she doesn't push me to talk. When I can't think of an explanation for my actions, she doesn't call me out. And when I tell her that I'm not comfortable sleeping in her bed with her, she brings me the softest blanket and a somewhat clean pillow and lays them on her couch.
THE NEXT MORNING when I wake up, my neck is killing me. Rosé's old couch isn't the most comfortable, but I slept well, considering.
"Hey," she says when she walks into the living room. "Hey." I smile.
"Did you sleep okay?" she asks me, and I nod.
Rosé was incredible last night. she didn't even blink when I asked to sleep on the couch. She listened to me talk about Lisa and how it had all gone wrong. She told me how she cares for Soojoo but now doesn't know what to do because she's always thought about me, even after meeting her. I felt guilty for the first hour while crying to her, but as the night went on, the tears turned to smiles, which shifted to laughs. My stomach literally hurt from laughing about stupid memories from our childhoods by the time we decided to go to bed.
It's nearly two in the afternoon now, the latest I think I've ever slept, but that's what happens when you stay up until seven in the morning.
"Yes; you?" I stand and fold the blanket she lent me. I vaguely remember her draping it over me while I drifted off to sleep.
"Same." She grins and sits on the couch. Her hair is wet, and her skin is glistening like she just got out of the shower.
"Where should I put this?" I ask her, referring to the blanket. "Wherever; you didn't have to fold it." She laughs.
My mind goes to the closet in the apartment and how Lisa shoves random things in there just to drive me insane.
"Do you have anything going on today?" I ask her. "I worked this morning, so no."
"Already?"
"Yeah, from nine to noon." She smiles. "I basically only went in to fix my truck."
I forgot that Rosé works as a mechanic. I don't really know much about her at all. Except that she has pretty good stamina if she can sleep two hours and then work like that.
"Environmental studies prodigy by day, grease monkey by night?" I tease, and she chuckles.
"Something like that; what are your plans?"
"I don't know. I need to get something to wear to my boss's dinner party tomorrow." For a moment I think about asking Rosé to come along, but that would be wrong. I'd never do that; it would make everyone uncomfortable, including myself.
Rosé and I had come to an agreement that we weren't going to push anything. We're just going to spend time together and see where it goes. She isn't going to push me to move on from Lisa; we both know that I need more time before I can consider dating anyone. I have too much to figure out—like finding somewhere to live, for starters.
"I can come along if you want? Or maybe we could see a movie later?" she asks nervously.
"Yeah, either one is fine." I smile and check my phone. No missed calls. No text messages. No voicemails.
Rosê and I end up ordering pizza and hanging out for the majority of the day until I finally leave to go back to Jisoo's to take a shower. On my way back I stop by the mall right before it closes and happen upon the perfect red dress with a square neckline; it rests just above my knees. It's not too conservative but not too revealing either.
By the time I get back to Jisoo's, there is a note on the counter next to a plate of food that Karen put aside for me. Her and Marco went to a movie and will be back soon, it says.
I'm relieved to have the place to myself even though when they're there, I don't really notice because the house is so large. I take a shower and put on pajamas before lying down and forcing myself to catch up on my sleep.
My dreams shift back and forth between green- and golden-eyed girl.