Harry: Man, this Half-Blood Prince guy has taught me more about Potions than Snape ever could. And some of the spells he came up with…man, I wish I could have met him.
Ron: Maybe he's still alive.
Harry: Probably. I mean, the book's named after him, surely that mean he'll…
Hermione: I'm sorry, can we go back to the whole 'spells he came up with' bit?
Harry: Yeah, the guy wrote spells in the margins of his book.
Hermione: And what they do, I assume?
Harry: Sometimes, yes. And when it doesn't, I just test it on Ron.
Ron: I'm a good guinea pig.
Harry: Of course you are. Here's some pellets *pulls some lint-covered pellets out of his pocket and throws them on the floor in front of Ron*
Ron: Oh boy *gets on all fours and starts eating the pellets*
Hermione: So, what sort of spells are there?
Harry: Well, there's the toenail one…
*flashback*
Harry: *whispering* Clavus crescere *hits Ron with the spell, whose shoes suddenly explode with the force of an expanding toenail*
Ron: Holy shit, I'm Foot Wolverine.
Harry: At least you're happy with that outcome.
*back in the present*
Harry: Then there was the tongue one…
*flashback*
Harry: *pointing his wand at Ron in secret* Langlock *Ron's tongue suddenly glues itself to the roof of his mouth.
Ron: Ot di oo oo arry?
Harry: I don't know, but I'm happy it worked.
*back in the present*
Harry: Oh, and Muffliato. That's a great spell…
*flashback*
Ron: So, I was just thinking that when we get back to the dorm, we should get naked and start just fu…
Harry: *subtly so Ron doesn't notice* Muffliato *a low buzzing starts in his ears* Thanks God I don't have to listen to that *ignores Ron, who's still talking as though Harry can hear him, and adding wild hand movements to his explanation of what they'd be doing*
*back in the present*
Ron: And don't forget Levicorpus.
Harry: Ah, yes. That one was fun.
*flashback*
Harry: *reading the spell in bed* Hmm, I wonder what this does *points his wand at Ron* Levicorpus *Ron suddenly starts dangling from the roof by his feet*
Ron: Oh boy, are we about to recreate the upside-down kiss scene from Spider-Man?
Harry: No, and now I'm going to leave you like that.
Ron: Isn't that dangerous?
Harry: Eh, what's the worst that could happen?
Dean: Well, there's asphyxiation from your lungs being crushed by all the internal organs that are normally below it. There's also the risk of haemorrhaging from blood pooling in the brain. Oh, and let's not forget heart failure from your heart receiving more blood than it's able to handle all at once.
Harry: When did you get smart?
Dean: I've always been smart, you just don't pay attention to me.
Harry: Whatever, I'm just gonna leave him like that and…
Dean: *reading the Half-Blood Prince's book* Liberacorpus *Ron drops to the floor*
Harry: All my problems were about to be solved. Why did you have to ruin that?
Dean: Because you're kind of an asshole.
Harry: …yeah, that's fair.
*back in the present*
Harry: So yeah, a lot of fun stuff in there.
Hermione: I doubt most of those spells are Ministry approved.
Harry: Hermione, magical Nazis are either going to kill me, or take me to wizard Hitler so he can kill me personally. Playing fair doesn't come into this.
Hermione: …I hate that you're right.
Harry: Of course you do. Now come on, we have a Hogsmeade visit today.
Ron: They're not going to cancel it?
Harry: Why would they?
Hermione: Because that *points out the window to show an intense storm outside*
Harry: Eh, it'll be fine.
*outside the Three Broomsticks, still in the storm*
Hermione: *yelling to be heard over the storm* It'll be fine, you said.
Harry: *also yelling* Oh, come on, it's not that bad.
Ron: *getting blown away by a sudden gust of wind* WHOA!
Hermione: *still yelling* Isn't it?
Harry: *yelling* No. In fact, things just got a lot better.
Hermione: *yelling* Honestly Harry, I wonder…
Harry: *yelling* Hey, isn't that Mundungus?
Hermione: *yelling* Harry, don't change the…
Harry: *calling out* HEY! MUNDUNGUS! *runs towards him*
Hermione: *muttering* God damn it *runs after him*
Mundungus: *pocketing some money* Pleasure doing business with you.
Mysterious figure: And you're sure I can buy more goats with this?
Mundungus: Uh, sure. Why not?
Mysterious figure: Good. Because I like my goats.
Mundungus: You seem to go through a lot of them. What do you…
Mysterious figure: The less you know, the better.
Mundungus: Yeah, that's how it is with most of my customers.
Harry: Hey Mundungus, what are you doing here?
Mundungus: Oh, Harry. Hi. Just, uh…concluding some business.
Harry: With the guy from the Hog's Head?
Mysterious figure: Well, I gotta go. I've got goats to…tend to… *leaves*
Mundungus: Fucking weirdo.
Harry: So, what you got there?
Mundungus: Oh, just some stuff from an abandoned house.
Harry: Abandoned, huh?
Mundungus: Yep, nobody lives there anymore.
Harry: Then why have those cups got the Black family on them?
Mundungus: Hey, you know as well as I do that he's dead…
Harry: Stuck in the past.
Mundungus: …therefore all his stuff is free to whoever wants it.
Harry: Actually, I own it.
Mundungus: Oh…well in that case… *apparates out of there*
Harry: Asshole.
Hermione: Oh, like you can talk.
Ron: *suddenly with them again* Speaking of Harry's asshole…
Harry: No.
Slughorn: Ah, Harry, just the boy I wanted to see.
Harry: Surely there was a better way of phrasing that.
Slughorn: I'm having a little get together on Monday night, and…
Harry: Well, I suppose I could… *an owl swoops in and hands Harry a letter*
Letter: Harry, cancel all your plans for Monday night, I want you to come to my office for a lesson. Signed, Dumbledore.
Harry: Never mind, Dumbledore wants me for something.
Slughorn: I will have you, my boy. Just you wait *leaves*
Harry: Again, phrasing.
Hermione: You should come along to one of these dinners, they're really not that bad.
Ron: They can't be that good, I'm not at them.
Harry: That's because you're not important.
Ron: HEY!
Hermione: He's kinda right.
Ron: Lavender doesn't seem to think so.
Hermione: What's up with that anyway?
Harry: Eh, probably nothing too bad. Let's head back.
*later*
Hermione: Is that Katie Bell ahead of us?
Harry: Yeah, so? Most of the kids at Hogwarts probably went to Hogsmeade today. Why is that surprising?
Hermione: It just looks like she's having an argument with whoever she's with about that package she's carrying.
Harry: Why would you notice…oh God, something's about to happen, isn't it?
Leanne: Come on, let me see what's in… *grabs Katie's package, accidentally ripping it* …oops, sorry Katie *sees Katie touching the necklace inside* Uh, Katie?
Katie: …uh oh… *suddenly starts floating in the air and screaming in agony*
Harry: Damn it Leanne, if I just lost a Chaser, I'm making you replace her so I can blame you when we lose *tries to get Katie back to the ground*
Leanne: But I'm a Hufflepuff.
Harry: EVEN MORE REASON TO BLAME YOU! *manages to get Katie back to the ground*
Hermione: We need to get her to the Hospital Wing.
Harry: Well, duh. Leanne, carry her.
Leanne: Why me?
Harry: Because this your fault.
Hagrid: Hey kids, why are yeh playin' in the mud?
Ron: It's okay Leanne, Hagrid can carry her.
Hagrid: Aww, but I was on my way to my 11am drinking fest.
Harry: A student is dying, and all you want to do is get drunk?
Hagrid: *sighing* I guess I'll just order twice as much for my 12pm drinking fest.
*back at the castle*
McGonagall: So, what happened?
Leanne: Well, Katie went to the bathroom, and when she came back she had that package and said she had to deliver it.
McGonagall: To who?
Leanne: I have no idea. She just walked past the table and out the wall.
Ron: Don't you mean door?
Leanne: No, there's now a Katie-shaped hole in the Three Broomsticks. She was acting really strange, basically robotic.
Harry: How the fuck does a wizard know about robotics?
Hermione: Like I keep telling you Harry, we're in a scientifically advanced school.
Harry: Still on that, huh?
McGonagall: Thank you children, that will be all.
Harry: What, you're not going to interview us?
McGonagall: Why would I? Despite your group's talent for getting into trouble, you only saw the end of the incident. I highly doubt you have any information that could…
Harry: But I have a theory about who did it.
Hermione: Harry, you have no idea who did it.
Harry: Oh, I totally know who did it.
McGonagall: I highly doubt you do, but let's hear it anyway.
Harry: It was Malfoy.
McGonagall: Nope.
Harry: Okay, prove it.
Draco: Will you people shut up? I'm still trying to write lines for detention, which proves I wasn't at Hogsmeade today.
Harry: …okay, I'll admit that puts a bit of a hole in my theory, but…
Hermione: *knocking Harry out with a heavy book* I'll take him back to the common room, professor.
Ron: *grabbing his lower half* I'll help.
Hermione: Ron, that's his…
Ron: I know.
Hermione: …whatever *carries Harry away*