Shinji's teeth chattered. The small meeting room of the headquarters where Section 2 agents left him with only a brief direction of 'wait until Operation Manager comes,' was too cold. Way too cold. The place was probably set on a standard temperature, but even that was unbearable to Shinji's exhausted body.

So he trembled for half an hour that felt like three hours in the dark room, alone, holding his goosebumped arms. He shuddered at the cold, but also, at the betrayal.

By who? That was an easy question to answer. Kensuke, Asuka, and, as time went by, Misato. But most of it was Asuka, the other two names merely an afterthought.

Why? Wasn't that difficult either. Asuka shouldn't have done that to Shinji. He had no doubt that in this case, he had every right to be mad at her.

What was she supposed to do? That, the question that seemed so natural after the previous chain of questions, short-circuited his brain, though.

Objectively speaking the question was not that difficult, just like the previous ones. An easily acceptable, plain answer came to his mind instantly. That she shouldn't have acted that angry to Shinji, that she should've at least not thrown that bag at him. But he knew too much to choose such an innocuous answer. He knew, that he had a certain set of expectations, a hope, from the moment Asuka burst through the door of the nurse's office and came to him. Or even before that. And that fact pushed him into a whirlpool of shame and self-hatred.

Misato found Shinji in such a state, lost in misery and anger, when the automatic door opened with a wooshing sound.

She didn't cross the door completely, stopping at the doorway. From there she watched Shinji. Shinji turned to her, and looked back at the desk because he couldn't bear to look into her expressionless face anymore. Old resentment against her, something he thought long forgotten and buried, flared up again, and it filled Shinji with disgust. He hated disappointing Misato. And he hated Misato for hanging unsolicited hope on him and getting disappointed in him when he didn't meet it. And most of all, he hated himself for being a hate-filled little ingrate. The audacity of him. Shinji's actions today deserved some scolding, and he was already resenting her even before she opened her mouth. He had no right to do so.

After a brief but suffocating silence, Misato stepped into the room, the door finally closing behind her. She then reached out to the side and turned the switch to increase the lighting. A bright light pierced Shinji's eyes, assaulting his already exhausted senses. He closed his eyes and frowned. With hard footsteps Misato came across the table, stopped, and dragged the chair away. When Shinji opened his eyes again she was looking at him with an enigmatic look on her face. Shinji averted his gaze. Misato sighed at that.

"How are you feeling?"

Cold. Dizzy. Tired, but not sleepy. All the muscles are throbbing. And I was really scared earlier. I thought God was punishing me because I couldn't breathe, out of nowhere, even though no one was choking me or something. Shinji swallowed those words, all of them. He didn't think he was in a position to complain, so he just shook his head helplessly.

Misato folded her arms and stretched out an index finger to tap her upper arm. Shinji was both intimidated and angry at the gesture, feeling annoyance from the quick tapping. He didn't think that maybe Misato is just as frustrated as him now, not angry or annoyed. It seemed as if his mind was refusing such an interpretation.

"Shinji Ikari," Shinji shivered at the cold voice. "As long as you're fighting for the fate of mankind as an Evangelion pilot, your body is not entirely yours. And it's my obligation to be all-time aware of what level of combat readiness my pilots are maintaining, and it's your solemn duty to cooperate to the best of your ability with such an inquiry. So answer me. How are you feeling? Did you have any phantom pain episodes today? Did you got hurt at today's fighting?"

And I thought you were worried about me. Shinji bit his lip for a moment, then opened his mouth. "I'm dizzy. I can't put strength in my hands and feet even if I try. But at least phantom pain is silence since the morning."

A short sigh from Misato again. Shinji kept his eyes on the desk in front of him.

"Guess you're in much better shape than that kid." Shinji needed a moment to understand what that meant. When he did his head shot up to check Misato's face. There was nothing to read on her well-guarded face. "Cheekbone fractures and eye injury by broken glasses, that's what I heard. He's undergoing surgery right now. His left eye is a mess, they're fearing some long-term damage to his sight from that side."

Shinji opened his mouth but nothing came out. His throat felt swollen, hard to breathe let alone talk. Misato shook her head quietly. "Don't worry too much. I asked them myself. He's not going to lose sight or something. They say it could have been really dangerous if the glasses had broken, but they didn't. They say it was the nose support scratching everywhere after its pad fell off that did the most damage."

Glasses. Shinji, at first, felt his chest squeezing by guilt, but then clenched his teeth. He had no reason to be sorry for him. Yeah, there was nothing to be sorry about.

Was it?

Who do you think you are? He heard the shrill voice again. Misato's words continued while Shinji dropped his eyes down again.

"Shinji, as I already said, you have a heavy responsibility on you. It's not a small thing for even an ordinary boy to hurt someone as badly as you did today. You, doing that, is a huge deal, probably a hundred times more than you imagine," Misato paused then, obviously expecting some answer, but Shinji kept his mouth shut and head down. Misato continued after some time. "This isn't the first time you acted erratically, and violently. Remember the fourth Angel? When you suddenly... did that? Hey, are you listening? I'm actually more worried about you potentially losing control and showing unexpected behavior while in the actual action than some school kid losing his eye. Do you understand what I mean?"

Her tone went up at the end, and Shinji's head went up reflexively at that. Misato's narrowed eyes had a strange light on them, but Shinji did not want to try and guess what that was. The mental fatigue was too much. So he just nodded thoughtlessly.

Misato glared at him silently. Shinji lowered his eyes and stared at her folded arms. A few seconds passed, and Misato's shoulders relaxed a bit as her arms unfolded.

"I'm coming from the official meeting. About disciplinary measures toward you. Since today's stuff wasn't something we could just look away."

There was a moment of silence, probably waiting for Shinji to fill it, but Shinji didn't say a word. Thankfully Misato gave up quickly this time and continued. "Ritsuko recommended a therapy. I thought she wasn't serious at first, but she formally insisted even after the meeting started."

The direction her words were flowing naturally led Shinji to one certain topic he wanted to avoid. He spoke up with a dry throat. "What about father? Does he know?"

Misato's mouth closed, then reopened. "Of course he knows. He was present at the meeting. I mean, participated in the meeting, through video calling. The final decision was delegated to me, with the full authority granted."

You mean he wasn't too interested. Shinji chewed his lips silently. He didn't even know what he was expecting. Not like him being angry would've done any good, it would have been equally unbearable. He spoke up the second question that just came to his mind, to avoid thinking too much about father. "Then what are you going to do?"

"I thought about sending you to a brig. Consult with doctors first to see if you're in a physical condition to go through it, if you're not, check again next week, or the week after."

Shinji clenched his fist. Even with a dizzy head, he was able to process that her words were in the past tense. "Then why didn't you?"

Misato said nothing for a moment, then sighed. "Shinji, before we get into this... What you did, is really wrong. I'm not in any way condoning what you've done today. Understand?"

Shinji nodded. Misato scratched her chin.

"While I was considering the brig option, a second report came up. This time with more details, like what kind of items our people confiscated from school and such,"

Feeling his face stiffening, Shinji looked up. Misato shook her head at him. "I always felt some weird vibe from that Aida kid but never expected that. To be honest? I don't even want to blame you that much."

Should I feel at ease now? Can I smile now? Shinji still felt a thorn stuck in the center of his chest. "Do I get therapy then? Counseling?"

Misato's lips curled up to form a bitter smile. "What do you think? Do you think you need it?"

Shinji bit his lip. Do I? Would that help me?

It was Misato who answered instead. "No, you don't. You're not crazy, Shinji. You just made a mistake while you were sick and thoroughly exhausted. You were agitated, and not in the right state of mind. And your motivation wasn't even too out there. It would be ridiculous to treat someone like you a psycho or something. Therapy? Psych meds? What the hell."

Misato shook her head when Shinji didn't answer. "Ritsuko suspects post-traumatic stress disorder. What do you think about that?"

He had nothing to say again, this time because he didn't understand a word of her speech. "Post what?"

"Oh, yeah, of course you don't understand," Misato licked her lower lip. "Have you heard of Impact Disease? It's the same thing. I mean, not really but close enough."

Shinji's body stiffened. Yeah, he knew that one. He heard about it quite often. In the news, in the newspapers, from adults' talking. People who act impulsively and are prone to crime because their brains were permanently broken by Second Impact. Shinji felt immense distress, realizing that he was now being compared to those kinds of people. "Yes, I've heard of it."

"You don't think that's right, do you? Ritsuko is your typical book-smart girl, not really thinking with real-life nuances. A doctor, a medication, over this? And she's not even considering the aftermath, I think."

"The aftermath? Would something happen to me?"

"You know, like medical records."

"Oh,"

"We're asking you to sacrifice your childhood. We can't possibly destroy your future, can we? Even as of now our people are working on it. I ordered it myself. Confiscation of evidence, silencing people, and destroying records. I can't wipe off rumors and memories, but anyway, today's incident didn't happen, at least officially. No records of assault or treatment would remain on your person. And there's only one thing I want in return. Get yourself together, and never make such a mistake again. Will you promise me?"

Misato's voice had a certain level of confidence that Shinji would never dare allow for himself. He had a different opinion. He couldn't answer so confidently like she did. Whether if it was all he needed. Or if that was the right thing to do, or if it would be helpful for Shinji himself. Erasing the record, she said. What he wanted to erase was the guilt, anger, and confusion in his heart, and if therapy was what it took, he was willing to try it. But her voice, which from some point lost all of its coldness, and her soft expression, aroused a new kind of guilt in his heart. She was doing him a great favor even though he was clearly at wrong. He couldn't possibly reject it and disappoint her even more.

So Shinji nodded helplessly, which Misato answered by reaching out and messing up his hair, chuckling. Her smile grew even bigger as Shinji forced a smile while blushing. "It's alright. Don't be so miserable. You're a boy. Boys fight. I mean, I'm not saying it's a good thing, but that kind of thing just happens. It's normal. You're normal. You're not crazy. Or bad."

Shinji clenched his teeth. She knew nothing. Shinji had a problem. He deliberately hurt Kensuke so he could give an even worse injury even after beating him to a pulp already. He was vile. Even now he was already starting to forget his guilt, starting to feel good, just because Misato was a little supportive of him. What he did, the objective fact of his deeds didn't change and will never change, but it was changing in his mind because of other people's evaluation of him. She was so, so unaware of what Shinji really was.

Misato must've not known what he was thinking, because her smile was as bright as it was before. "Don't get too cocky because you won some points with Asuka or something. Look for other ways next time, okay? I'll still punish you in some way, beware of that too."

Forgetting all the complicated feelings so far, forgetting even the latter half of Misato's words, Shinji blushed. That part was the most shameful and regretful thing to him today. "It's not like that! It's..."

Misato snorted, almost contemptuously. That almost enraged Shinji, but his reddening face must have sent the wrong message to her.

"Is that why Asuka was there with you even before Section 2 found you? What did you two do? Did you two hold hands like I caught you last time? That was so cute, by the way."

You're making it sound like Asuka rushed to my place first when in reality the agents weren't even that fast, but Shinji swallowed the words. It wasn't important anyway. "Asuka came because she was mad at me. To say that she didn't want my help and that she really didn't appreciate it."

Misato sighed. As Shinji sulked and said nothing, Misato shook her head and leaned against the back of her chair. "Oh, you stupid brats."

"Ms. Misato..."

"Nevermind, it's you kids' business to settle it, not mine. Did you eat something? You have to eat congee right?"

"There's a lunch box in my bag. Haven't opened it yet."

"Yeah, eat and rest here. I'll pick you up later when the work's done."

Dinner was easily solved. Misato strongly insisted on the phone on her way home, and Asuka meekly conceded, to pizza delivery. And Shinji warmed up a bowl of congee that he made and put in the refrigerator in the morning. He must have calculated the portion wrong then, because even after dinner some sizable amount remained in the pot. He figured he could eat that until tomorrow lunch. All of it ended before the long evening sun of summer set, and while his housemates holed up in their rooms, Shinji put on an apron, SDAT earplugs on his ears, and washed the dishes, under the orange lay of the setting sun shining down on him.

Because of the sound of water and music, the first sound Shinji heard when the doorbell rang was not the sound of the bell itself, but Misato's 'hey Shinji! Can you check the door, please? It must be a delivery or something!' Shinji groaned, put down the SDAT, and headed for the hallway.

Standing in front of the door was Hikari Horaki with a shy smile on her face, not a delivery man. There was a transparent folder that held white papers in her hand, and a small paper bag in the other.

"Good evening, Ikari. How are you feeling? Is everything alright?"

"Oh, hello, Class Rep. I'm alright. Much better. Thank you. Wha, what's up? Want to come in?"

Horaki shook her head, put the bag on the floor, and pulled a piece of paper from the file. "It's okay, not like I'm here for tea or something, heh. Here, an announcement for students' future career counseling for parents. It was supposed to be delivered tomorrow, but since they wanted me to give you this too..."

Shinji frowned and accepted the paper while Horaki pulled out another paper from the file. Parents counseling? Am I supposed to tell father about this? The mere thought made his throat dry.

"And this, a letter of suspension. Think of it as a two-week break."

Somehow Shinji felt nothing as he accepted the paper. He probably expected it, if unconsciously. The only thing he could think about was whether Misato would be able to erase this from the record too. It was not until halfway through the cold and professional phrases of the letter that Shinji realized that Horaki seemed as unfazed as himself.

"You're not going to scold me or anything?"

Horaki smiled weakly. "Maybe I should. Violence is not right! I'm really disappointed in you, Ikari! Like this," She sighed. "but, to be honest, I don't think I can. I've got to see both of you in a new light, you know."

Shinji swallowed, feeling his face stiffening. He felt like saying something, but couldn't come up with anything. It was Horaki that saved the moment that almost became awkward.

"Well, I suppose you must be curious. Nothing has been decided about Aida for now. I don't think we'll see him ever again, though."

Shinji nodded with a cooling heart. A total and irreversible end of the friendship. That was probably the best, he figured. He wondered if he should tell Horaki of Kensuke's condition he heard from Misato, but decided against it. He had no reason to do so, and it would just give Horaki a bad impression anyway.

Horaki tilted her head to peep over Shinji's shoulder. "How's Asuka? You guys had some talk, right?"

More like she got angry at me for no reason and threw a bag at me. Shinji didn't say, just shaking his head. "Not really."

Horaki smiled shyly. Shinji didn't understand the reaction.

"Are you sure, Ikari? Nothing? Didn't you two leave school together? Asuka disappeared on her own, giving me some trouble with her attendance record, you know."

Only then did Shinji realize what Horaki implied. The bitterness and anger filled his heart.

"Well, nothing happened. Asuka just... she was a little bit angry, that's all."

Horaki shook her head as Shinji slouched. "You're too hard on yourself, Ikari. Don't. I understand you."

Shinji's stomach flattened at that. He secretly hoped Asuka to like what he did, maybe 'award' him even. It was beyond pathetic he almost wanted to kill himself, how could she possibly understand? Then he realized Horaki probably didn't mean that.

"What Aida did..." Horaki sighed. That was most likely the limit that she could mention the incident while maintaining her dignity. "I understand how you behaved, I won't ever compliment you, but I understand."

"Do you?" I don't, then why does everyone act like they do? Shinji thought it was almost absurd. Was beating the hell out of Kensuke really nothing and he was just making a fuss of it alone?

Horaki nodded, smiling. "It's a boy's job to protect his girl, you know."

Shinji was at a loss for time. Two heartbeats later his face heated up. "No! That's not it! We're not... She's not..."

Horaki stared at Shinji without a word, a smile persisting. Shinji's face turned beet red.

"And, Asuka... she doesn't need anyone's protection."

"Her words, I guess?"

"Yeah."

Horaki shook her head. "Well, she's very proud, I'm not surprised. But I'm sure she's still grateful."

Shinji just shrugged, having no will to argue anymore. Horaki smiled at that. "Don't be so down, Ikari, Good deeds are rewarded in the end. Otherwise there's no reason for anyone to live, is it?"

"What are you two talking about standing there for so long?"

Shinji almost screamed in surprise at the shrill voice from behind. He looked back to find Asuka standing on the border between the front door corridor and the kitchen, arms folded.

"Hey, Asuka!" Horaki waved and picked up the bag that had been at her feet this whole time. "Asuka, I've got something for you, too. I saw a bench down there, can we sit and talk a little?"

Asuka snorted and stopmed her way to the door. Both Shinji and Asuka didn't even spare a glance at each other as Asuka passed his side and put on slippers. Horaki nodded goodbye to Shinji, with a small smile on her lips, while Asuka stubbornly ignored him. Then the two girls headed toward the elevator together. Shinji closed the door with a heavy heart. As he entered the living room, Misato called out from her room. "Was it a courier?"

Shinji opened his mouth, closed them again, and headed to his room without a word.

It was not until he threw the papers on the desk and threw his body to the bed that he remembered leaving the SDAT in the kitchen. But he didn't even have the energy to stand up and bring it back.

After a few minutes of gathering strength and will, Shinji forced himself up with a grunt and left the room, to run right into Asuka. She was entering the kitchen, a bag in her hand. The same bag Horaki brought, Shinji noted. He wondered what it was, but soon realized he was still angry at her. He turned to the table where the SDAT sat. Asuka flinched, as if wanting to say something, then clenched her fist and headed to her room. Shinji watched her back, feeling a sense of liberation.

Nothing happened that night until he fell asleep.

He was walking in a reed field. The fog was so dense he felt his nostrils moistening up, and nothing could be seen beyond the reach of his hands. He didn't know why he was doing it, but nonetheless, he was walking towards a red dot that was dimly swaying over the fog, with the dreamer's ungrounded but unquestioned conviction.

Halfway to his destination, Shinji realized that the red dot he was pursuing was Kensuke's campfire, with, again, the ungrounded conviction that is characteristic of dreamers. It was the very same place where he met Kensuke when he first ran away from Misato's house. Fear might have stopped his gait, but the next moment he was standing right in front of the campfire. Maybe he skipped the middle progress. Dreams were like that anyway, making no sense and explaining nothing. Beyond the fire, Kensuke sat, with the same field vest and a plastic gun in his hand, just like in the past. A playful brown eye looked up at Shinji over two mess tins hung over the fire.

Next to that eye was a blackened hole where his left eye used to be, with a single vein of dark blood flowing out. Shinji's throat tightened.

"Hey, Shinji! You're here again! I've been waiting for you, too, you know. Camping is pretty fun when you're busy setting up a tent and struggling with flint, but when it's all done and when you're sitting alone, that could go boring so quickly! I was glad to see you back then precisely because of that, too."

Kensuke tapped the empty place next to him. Perhaps it had been there the whole time, or it was just created by his dream, but anyway, there was an empty field chair on that spot, right next to Kensuke. "Back then I thought we got pretty close after that night. Do you think we'll be friends again if we spend a night together again? Like the last time?"

As he moved to the chair, Shinji braced himself hard. That it's just a dream brought on by his guilt. That in reality, Kensuke's wound wasn't that bad. And even if it was, he shouldn't really feel sorry for that little shit. That he didn't do anything wrong.

But, as soon as he sat next to Kensuke, in the pouring heat of the burning campfire, and faced that freckled face, his resolution collapsed instantly. Shinji buried his face in his lap, breaking down in tears.

"I'm sorry, Kensuke, I, I... I'm still angry at you, but, I didn't mean to go that far." And that was a lie. At that moment, when he was on top of the boy, Shinji made a choice, and he did it because he wanted it. He didn't want to face that ugly truth even in his dream, though, not even to deny it with lies, so he chose another strategy. Something he was very used to it. "I'm sorry, forgive me..."

"Hmm," Kensuke rubbed his chin. The blood that came out from the eye flowed down his cheek to be caught by his thumb, and in turn, smeared all around his chin. "What should I do?"

As Shinji was shaking, Kensuke's hand suddenly popped out in front of his head. Shinji paused for a moment and looked up. A bright smile hung over Kensuke's face. "Ah, screw it. I forgive you! Not like I want to have Toji as my only friend, heh."

Shinji sobbed like a little child. Even now, the cold part of his heart was shouting that this was only a dream, that it was a pathetic attempt to soothe his guilt in any way possible, only to give him more pain when he inevitably woke up, but nonetheless, Shinji felt truly relieved at that moment. It seemed that the boulder that was pressing his heart down so firmly had been finally removed. Like a pleading person, Shinji took Kensuke's extended hand with both hands.

Kensuke stood up, chuckling, and loosened Shinji's hands that were holding his. Then he passed the rifle to Shinji's now free hands. Shinji looked up at Kensuke with blank eyes.

"Will you put that back in the case, please? It's behind you. Now that Three Stooges are restored properly we should have a commemorative party! Oh, if only Toji was here, too."

Shinji smiled shyly and stood up with a gun. At first, he thought it was just a plastic model gun, but it felt very heavy and cold in his hand now. While looking around for this supposed case Kensuke talked about, Shinji found boiling water bubbling out of the two tins placed on the fire. "Hey, Kensuke, that's..."

Kensuke hurried along, picked up the skewer that tins were hung on, and put it down far away from the campfire. "Phew, almost burnt the rice. Nice catch, Shinji. We wouldn't have dessert today if it weren't for you."

Shinji smiled and nodded, then felt something weird. "Dessert?"

Kensuke nodded enthusiastically. Droplets of blood from his eye flew everywhere at the gesture. "Yeah, dessert, something you eat after the main course. I told you we're going to have a party!"

But those tins were already there when I came. Shinji thought so, but it was natural that dreams did not make sense. So Shinji instead decided to ask what his dream, his unconscious part, had prepared for him in the name of this main course. "What's the main course then?"

With a sly smile, Kensuke pointed to the tent. A simple green-colored tent he saw in the past was standing quietly near the campfire. Through the slightly open flaps he saw only darkness. As he followed Kensuke a few steps toward the tent, Shinji felt an inexplicable fear gripping him for some reason. The gun, which he forgot to put down, became as heavy as a lump of lead and his arms trembled. Then his whole body followed the suit. He didn't know why he felt that way.

Kensuke opened the tent flap with a theatrical flourish and beckoned Shinji to come in. At that point Shinji was as stressed as the moments he saw Angels with his naked eyes. His Eva's eyes, more accurately.

It was the funky smell that welcomed him first when he entered the dark tent. He blinked several times as his eyes slowly adapted to the darkness. Then, in front of him, appeared Asuka, lying naked on a blanket laid on the floor, arms and legs tied with ropes and a gag in her mouth. The only sign of life was her eyes that looked up at him with a blank look, dark under dim light.

Kensuke tapped Shinji's frozen shoulder. "You won't believe how successful this business is. If this continues, I'll make enough money to arm the whole squad of SSDF paratroopers! Oh, don't worry too much, by the way. She looks like that for now, but she's still uppity, which means she's delicious enough when she's under you. I check the quality myself every day before the business starts, so trust me on that."

As Shinji stood still with his mouth slightly open, Kensuke burst into laughter. "Are you surprised? Why? I thought you were fully aware of what I did when you came to beg for forgiveness. Not like I apologized for touching your precious Asuka, did I?"

Shinji cringed reflectively as the ear-splitting noise exploded. An acrid, almost overwhelming smell came up from somewhere. Shinji stared around with his eyes wide open. Kensuke was lying on the ground. His bleeding eyehole completely blown away, only red ruin remaining there, and where there was only a vein of blood seeping out, now half of his head was flowing down from it. Shinji looked down at his hands, bending over, feeling nauseous. The gun he had been carrying was directed at Kensuke's body, and white smoke was coming out of its barrel.

I shot him. I killed him. Even as he thought so he wasn't very impressed in any way. More than anything else, that scared and disgusted him. This is a dream, I'm being weird because it's just a dream, he kept telling himself. He tried to throw the gun out of his hands, but it didn't come off like it was glued to them.

After several futile attempts, Shinji realized that he had forgotten the most important thing.

Shinji turned to the inside of the tent. Asuka was looking up at him in her strapped position. Shinji knelt beside her and looked around. Between the messy clutter of used tissues and condoms, he found a multipurpose knife, just the kind of thing Kensuke would carry. As he reached for it, the rifle that was glued to his hand fell to the floor with ease. Shinji drew the knife and cut off the ropes, carefully so he didn't hurt her. Asuka took a deep breath when he removed the gag.

Impulsively, or daringly because he knew this was a dream, Shinji embraced Asuka tightly. "Asuka, it's safe now. I killed him. I killed him. I won't let anyone touch you, Asuka."

In his arms, he felt strength escaping from Asuka's body. She sighed.

"Idiot Shinji. You've done something today, I suppose." Her hand gently came up and grabbed Shinji's cheek. "Not like I asked you for this, but I guess I owe you this, maybe I should reward you accordingly, right? How about a kiss on the cheek?"

Tears filled Shinji's eyes. Would she even know how much her words and actions meant to him? He sobbed ugly, overwhelmed by pent-up emotion.

"No, Asuka, you don't need to do that."

A smirk came up on Asuka's lips. "Liar. That's exactly what you were hoping for."

"Asuka?" Shinji felt as if something cold and sharp pierced his chest.

"Idiot, when will you admit it? When will you admit you're that pathetic? When will you admit that you are a selfish trash who only pretends to be nice because you want to be praised by others? Because you want to be praised by me? That everything you do is based on such calculations? Like in that volcano, or in the school?"

Shinji couldn't say anything. Asuka's fingers traced Shinji's jawline, then fell off.

"To me, you're not," She pointed to Kensuke's body, which was twitching in a pool of his own blood. "different from that worm. You two are exactly the same. Despicable, perverted, and unattractive. Mr. Kaji is the only man in the world I respect and want to give myself to. And you'll never get there even if you try. Because there are things in this world that are just set from the moment you were born."

Asuka pushed him away roughly. Shinji fell on his bottom. Without giving any attention to groaning Shinji, Asuka walked into the middle of the tent. "I hope that worm didn't sell my clothes. It should be here somewhere..."

Shinji swallowed, dazed. Nothing went over his swollen throat. His ears were buzzing. Before he knew it his teeth started to chatter against each other. He looked down to find the gun he had just put down in his hand again. His hand lifted it as if it had its own will, and pointed the gun at Asuka's back. Shinji didn't understand the situation. Why? Wasn't it Kensuke, not Asuka, he hated so much to the point of wanting to kill?

But as he repeated what Asuka told him in his mind, everything seemed clear all of a sudden. It seemed natural, even, for him to pull the trigger. Such a decision seemed reasonable to him now. With a shaking hand, Shinji...

Shinji gasped. It took him a long time to realize that he was not in the tent, but in his own room. He also needed to catch the sound of some iron-like thing clattering from the outside to realize that he didn't actually shoot the gun at the last moment of his dream.

Well, was that really the case, though? Shinji recollected the quickly fading dream. He wasn't sure what he had done to Asuka at the last moment. And it scared him. The thought, that he really did have a serious problem, clenched his heart like a pincet. It was only natural that no one loved him, he thought. Who in the world would like such a mean, selfish, nasty boy? Some people were kind enough to him, yes, and only because they misjudged him. Like Misato, or the Class Rep. They were too kind and naive to see through Shinji's pretense. Deceived, without even a doubt. It was only a matter of time before Shinji betrayed and hurt them, and in turn hurt himself too.

And, if you think about it further, there was no way that a sharp and smart girl like Asuka could not see through him. That's probably why she despised him, he thought. Of course, everything that happened in the last dream was Shinji's own imagination, but it wasn't too hard to imagine real Asuka having the same feeling and thoughts about him. And not just Asuka. Father probably knew from early on, too, and that must be the reason he left him.

Another clatter rang from outside, stopping his thoughts. Shinji lifted himself up, groaning. His eyes habitually turned to the clock on the wall. 7 a.m. Did Misato wake up earlier than usual and are making coffee or something? If that was the case, he had no time to spend lying down on the bed and thinking nonsense. He'll have to prepare breakfast, and Asuka's lunch, too.

So she could belittle you again? A small voice whispered in his heart. He thought about Horaki's words, that all good deeds are rewarded eventually. She must have grown up with overflowing love from her mother and father, Shinji bitterly thought. No one could be that naive otherwise. There were many things in this world that were never rewarded.

Ah, as always, you're doing something nice just someone could acknowledge you for it. Another voice whispered. He remembered Asuka's words from his dream.

He clenched his fists and left the bed. Once he washed his face and blend into a busy mundane chore of life he would forget these haunting thoughts. At least for a moment. Or until something bad happens again.

At least he had no shortage of things to do today, or so he thought. Report to Misato's office at headquarters by nine o'clock. She still hasn't told him what kind of discipline she had in mind, but anything would be better than staying at home and brooding over his troubles alone. And the suspension felt like a saving grace at this point, because he wasn't sure he could bear seeing school kids or spending most of his time with Asuka again.

What about Asuka? Is it possible for her to go to school as if nothing happened? If I were her, would I be able to see the faces of boys again?

And who are you to worry about her? Worry about yourself, worry about you seeing her face, Shinji murmured to himself.

By the time he got up and opened the door, he was seriously considering packing a lunch box for Asuka before she came out and leaving the house early so he wouldn't need to see her again. It won't be easy, but if he could either skip breakfast or save a lot of time in either cooking or showering it didn't sound too impossible too. So he was considering such options, until he set a foot on the kitchen, rubbing his eyes.

He rubbed his eyes once again. He wasn't mistaken. "Asuka?"

The girl's shoulder, turned back to this side, froze, and she put down the pot she was holding in both hands with a loud clink. With a strangely analytical mind Shinji concluded that the clanking sound he heard must have been that sound. It was only a little later that the sight before him, and the bewilderment it caused, truly hit him. More than half of the cupboards opened. The cutting board and the knife were on the counter, and on the board, there was a carrot that lacked a huge chunk near its head for some reason, and a small onion that looked like it had been peeled one or two layers more than necessary. In front of all of it was Asuka, who was wearing a red apron over a loose T-shirt and shorts she usually wore when she slept. Shinji checked for his own apron(technically not his, being here since before he came to this house, but at this point it was not unreasonable to describe it as Shinji's apron either) that was on one side of the wall, while Asuka turned on the gas stove, without looking at him. She was turning that one certain knob that always gave Shinji trouble. From the third attempt Asuka's hand was oozing irritation.

"Asuka... you can just use the next burner. Or maybe press a little harder while turning that..."

"Quiet. Don't say anything. Just shut up."

Irritation filled Shinji's heart. The guilt and reservations that stemmed from the last night's dream evaporated at once and resentment rose to fill the place. "Why are you so angry? I'm just trying to help you. You didn't have to react like that!"

Shinji belatedly realized that he had raised his voice. It was something extremely rare, and recently happened only in Asuka-related cases. She seemed to have a natural talent for drawing Shinji's ire.

Asuka snapped her wrist and the stove finally lit up. At the same time her head snapped in his direction at the same speed and ferocity. She showed her teeth while picking up a spoon from the counter and started to stir the pot. A sharp scratching sound followed, making Shinji really worried about the bottom of the pot. Asuka on the other hand didn't seem to care at all about it.

"It's a shame that I owe you so much, Hikari insisted, even forcing me to take that bag with cooking books and stuff, so, while I still think it's a load of crap, but, I didn't like even the mere possibility of someone thinking I owe you anything, so I thought maybe I should cook my own lunch today, something YOU were supposed to do, mind you, and then I also thought, since I'm using all the tools why not warm up your thing too? So I'm doing this all and look what you're doing, you should be thanking me but no, the moment you set that dumb eyes of yours on me you have to brag and try to teach me or something. Be honest. You always looked down on me, didn't you? Like, look at this girl, she can't even cook, just like Misato! Like this, right? Oh I bet you did. There's no other possible reason I could think of for you to so diligently prepare my lunch. Yeah, it was your own way to project your superiority complex. Like, look, girl, I'm this good, so take my mighty bento box with gratitude, kind of mindset, right?"

It was hard to even grasp what she wanted to say, because she wasn't making any sense in general and what little things Shinji could gather were so wrong in so many aspects. She was very fast, too. Only the sound of water from the bathroom rang while Shinji forced his dizzy head to interpret Asuka's rant. So Horaki gave her that apron, with other things? And that stuff in the pot... Oh... that must be his leftover congee from yesterday.

"Honestly, I don't even know why I'm doing this. Misato, so much for being an adult, can't stop making stuff up whenever she opens her mouth, and Hikari, she should never tell me what to do or not when she doesn't have a single idea how this place runs, and you, you keep, you're..." Asuka clenched her teeth and picked up the knife. Her eyes remained fixed on him. "Do you have to eat plain congee? Nothing else added? Is carrot out of the menu? Even if I chop them up real small?"

Shinji was yet to catch up with Asuka's words, so he nodded without thinking too much and ended up shaking his head hurriedly a moment later. "No, it's alright. I can eat them. Carrots, I mean."

Asuka frowned as if she had something dissatisfactory in his answer, turned her head to the carrot, and started to cut off large chunks one by one. What she was doing was close to pressing vertically to sever the thing off than actually cutting it. You don't want to do that, words almost came up in his throat, but considering her reaction to his first advice, he just swallowed them up again. She must have read his mind or similar, because she frowned again and glared at him. "What are you staring at? Don't you have anything to do?"

Shinji swallowed with a dry throat. Anything to do? He kept hearing sounds coming from the bathroom, Misato must be taking a shower. Asuka is filling his usual position in the kitchen. Maybe he should swap the seat with Asuka, then? Only after that, he realized that he actually did not know what Asuka usually did in the morning while he was cooking. Did she come out of the room at the last moment? Or did she watch him cook while seating at the table? He wasn't sure. This was the first time ever he thought about her daily life.

Maybe it implied something, something about him and their relationship, such thought crossed his mind, but he had no time to think about it thoroughly because Asuka's sharp voice interrupted him. She was pulling up her apron shoulder strap.

"I guess that's what men do. Gawking. Everyone except Mr. Kaji. I know I'm pretty, yeah, I understand you beasts can't take your eyes off me, but really, can't you at least pretend otherwise? Or should I be grateful because you're oh-so-graciously just staring and not doing anything even worse?" Asuka turned her eyes to Shinji while lifting the knife. "I'm sure those animals were very jealous of you. All they had were those pathetic little photos, but you, you get to live with me, right? Seeing everything. A privilege, yes, a privilege. You must have been very proud. You probably looked down on those boys secretly. Thinking, hey, I'm seeing and enjoying things you plebs could only dream about."

Why is she choosing this topic out of hundred possible fights, Shinji angrily wondered. Did she forget why he got suspended? "I never did."

Asuka's eyebrows gathered. "Liar. I know what you're thinking of me."

Heat rose to Shinji's face. He couldn't understand why the hell was she choosing to start their day like this. "I've never done that!"

While answering back half-shouting, Shinji felt immense shame as he recalled what he usually did on a quiet night in his room or in his dreams. No, not even that, there was no way out for Shinji if Asuka brought up that attempted kiss. The mere thought of it suffocated him. Asuka was vindictive enough to utilize that as a weapon, he knew it for a fact. What should he do in that case?

Asuka hit the carrot to cut off yet another big chunk and showed her teeth. All the while her eyes were fixed on Shinji, and the fact that she was using a knife without even watching it gave him a secondhand panic attack. Fortunately, at least she didn't have a chance to bring up the kissing attempt, because as soon as she opened her mouth the bathroom door opened with a dull sound. "Is that the first thing you kids do in the morning? Fighting?"

Shinji turned his stiff back. Just how far did she hear? He wondered. "Mi, Misato."

"Good morning," Misato said, wiping off the water from her hair, with only a body towel on her body. Shinji quickly turned away, feeling his face burning. He saw, at the edge of his field of view, Asuka tilting her head sideways. "Will you come to HQ on your own? Or do you want to come with me? In that case, you should hurry up, I have to report earlier today than usual, so I'm going to skip breakfast and leave as soon as I'm done putting on makeup and getting dressed. You don't have much time."

"Okay, I'll speed up." Means I have about 30 minutes, Shinji thought.

Misato seemed to not have anything to say to Asuka. She just headed to her room and closed the door. Asuka snorted. She moved her knife-wielding hand again, her eyes still on Shinji. "Ha, what a perfect..."

"Asuka!" Shinji, gripped by fear again, stepped toward Asuka. "Please, look where you're cutting! You're making ME nervous!"

"Don't tell me what to do! Who do you think you are? You're just Idiot Shinji!" Seeing her response, Shinji realized that he made a mistake. Until a moment ago Asuka was doing dangerous things unconsciously, as a mistake, an oversight. Now she will do the exact same thing consciously, out of spite, because Shinji told her against it. Asuka lifted the knife again, almost slowly, probably as a show-off to Shinji. He wondered what the hell was fundamentally wrong with this girl, chest boiling with frustration.

"Asuka, please..."

"You're so smug, thinking you know this stuff because you cooked some lunches for a year or two at best. You know what? Things like this always boil down to natural reflexes. In the end, it's whether you could accurately sense and anticipate where your tool is going while it's in your hand. I've seen you enough in PE and in Eva. You suck in motor coordination, you have no right to order me around in this matter."

Honestly, at this point, Shinji wanted her to cut herself badly so she could learn a lesson. And that would make him feel so vindicated, he even thought. But as the knife began to descend at a dangerous angle again, Shinji reached out reflexively, grabbed Asuka's left hand and pulled it hard. The knife struck the empty cutting board with a thump.

"What are you doing?" Asuka hissed.

Shinji pulled Asuka's fingers and folded them. "Raise them vertically like this, and keep the blade under the knuckle line, then you'll hardly get a cut even if you try. If you're going to do this without checking with your eyes, at least keep your fingers like this. Please, please."

He was worried about what he should do if she kept being stubborn. But she remained silent, her mouth closed. A moment later Shinji realized what she was doing; staring at their hands, overlapped. His face reddened. He tried to pull his out, but Asuka's hand quickly came up and snatched it. Now the position was reversed, hers on top of his. Shinji's hand was awkwardly sandwiched between the cold carrot and Asuka's hot hand.

Overwhelmed by this totally incomprehensible development, Shinji uttered the first and only thing that came to his mind. "Asuka, if, if Mi, Misato sees this..."

He quickly checked the door of Misato's room as he say that. A loud sound of the hair dryer was coming out from the inside. Asuka, on the other hand, glared at Shinji and Shinji only. "If Misato sees this? And what?"

Shinji felt his whole body shrinking inside. Asuka was too close. He could smell her overnight sweat from this distance, mixed with her usual fragrant shampoo scent. It was completely different from perfume or soap he usually felt whenever they got this close before, and he was dumbstruck by the sheer alienness of it. It was so different. Everything was different, the whole air, and Asuka herself. "She might think we are, we are..."

Asuka's neck trembled slightly. "We are...?"

She might think we are in a relationship or something, he couldn't say. "We are..."

Asuka turned her gaze to the cutting board. She stared at it as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. Shinji tried to pull his hand out again, but Asuka wouldn't let him go. The silence that felt over-extended fell. It was Asuka who spoke first.

"Do you want to?"

"What?" Shinji looked at Asuka in surprise, and she returned the gaze with narrowed eyes. She was taller than him only about a few centimeters at best, but for now he felt like he was looking up at father. It was impossible to bear her silent gaze for too long, so he gulped and turned to the sink. All the strange things that happened last week and the words of Horaki passed through his mind, but Shinji pushed them all to a dark corner. Because they were all vain hopes that his lone mind made up, his own imagination running wild, which would inevitably disappoint him and hurt everyone.

"Oh, no! Of course not! How... I mean,"

Asuka's hand squeezed his, with a sudden surge of strength. Shinji realized he wasn't tactful enough. "I mean, I don't know..."

"You mean you don't like me, is that it?"

Shinji felt despair. It's all Kensuke's fault, he thought. Asuka must have gotten so mad because of Kensuke, and must be looking for an outlet for her anger, and Shinji was the only available target. That was the only explanation. Her recent actions were too irrational and nonsensical even by Asuka's usual standard. This was literally a trap she was hounding him into. "Well, not exactly..."

The sound of the hair dryer stopped, making Shinji's anxiety skyrocket. Asuka's hand was stiffened too, making Shinji's finger almost dig into the carrot. "Shinji,"

Her voice was low. Shinji swallowed nervously, fearing what would follow. Asuka lowered her head slightly.

"This is the last time I'm telling you this, so listen carefully."

Shinji nodded weakly. Asuka glanced sideways at Shinji and returned her gaze to the cutting board. "I hate vague or confusing things. I really hate such things. And I think I've already crossed the limit of my patience way before. To be honest, even this is me being way too generous to you. So I'll just say it once. If you want to pretend to be close to me, I'm willing to go along. If you're not, just say it clearly. I'm fine either way. I don't care. The deadline is today."

What the hell are you talking about? Shinji wanted to ask her. Ridiculous and shameless desires that dominated his dreamland started to flood over his reality. They were shouting to him, that she was asking for him to be her boyfriend or something, that he should never lose this chance. And his rational mind shouted back, that they were crazy, they must have already picked their grandchildren's names, how about sharing them first so she could laugh at you. Or slap you silly. Those voices exploded and flooded Shinji's mind. All he could do was nod his head while not even fully realizing what was he agreeing on.

By the time Misato came out of the room, Shinji was sitting on the kitchen table, already washed and clothed in his school uniform, with a lunch box ready on the table in front of him. He was staring at it blankly. Asuka at that point already returned to her room, nowhere to be seen.

A/N: Okay, I got some things to unpack because of a variety of reasons.

1) After some conversations with certain people I feel like I should clarify this a bit. What Shinji thinks of himself is not a totally accurate reality of Shinji, just like Asuka's image of herself is not totally accurate. I do think some selfish and almost dangerous streak of his mind is a real thing, though. Some fics tend to make him a total doormat or an innocent angel or something and I do not agree with such interpretations.

2) I know I'm veering dangerously close to edgefest with Kensuke stuff, please think of it as Shinji's hormone-riddled, possessive mind projecting itself in the ugliest form

3) With many things including a family trip planned by the end of the year I'm not sure I could update as frequently as I did for several recent chapters. I'll try my best.

4) The last bit of this chapter was one of the few scenes that were there from the earliest draft. Because...

5) Story time. 100% real story, trust me. Back when I was 17, there was this girl in our class, very pretty, not the top-of-the-grade kind of pretty but definitely on top 5. Very loud and obnoxious, though, and she had mean names for everyone. And the meanest of them was mine, '고자(Go-ja)', which means, in English, a sexually impotent, neutered, castrated, eunuch. I wasn't even angry, more like extremely dumbfounded by this uncalled-for nickname, as you could easily imagine. I still don't even know why she picked that word. I tried my damnest best to avoid her, because a mere encounter with her meant a small-scale scandal(imagine a high-pitched girl's voice ringing in the busy corridor shouting that specific profanity) or even potential trouble with teachers. Aaaaand few months passed like that and there was this one time, in early summer, when she found me in a quiet backside corridor, alone. She was so uncharacteristically serious and quiet that moment, saying 'hey, impotent, I'm willing to go along if you want to pretend we're friends.' I was like, 'oh, okay.' Name-calling, and just her calling me in general, stopped from that day.

6) I try my best to catch wonky grammar before posting, but if you find one, feel free to tell me. I sincerely appreciate that.