When the one rising an uproar resided in the head of an extremely sensitive person it was quite hard to approach said subject.
And while Carlisle wanted to believe Jor was growing better, today along with the black blood incident left very clear that maybe, just maybe, he was expecting way too much out of someone that did nothing but react with violence at everything.
He had tried for so long to give him a chance. Over and over and over again . Hoping that if given time he would grow better. Lose tension. Their talk strengthening the belief that he could grow better.
But he hadn't.
In fact. He seemed to have grown worse.
And with a heavy heart he had to admit that they weren't equipped to deal with a black blood's alter, Jasper was getting his strength back and that mixed with his set of skills and gift made his alter an undoubtedly uncontrollable and beyond dangerous being.
He understood that it had been a nightmare and that he had reacted in defense. But if his reaction to Alice was something to go for along with her words he had been perfectly conscious of what he was doing.
The look he had given to Edward...
Carlisle feared that next time he would kill Edward.
And what if Renesmee had been at home? What then? His entire family was at risk. He had proven to him that Carlisle's skills on restraining black bloods wouldn't work on him.
He had under his hand a vampire impossible to control. His gift. His skills. His strength. His abilities.
Jasper was, would become the most dangerous vampire in this house once he healed completely.
And Carlisle feared that he wouldn't be fit to keep him in line were he to lose control of Jor as he had done today. His family would be at risk, Jasper included.
He wouldn't send Jasper away, he could never do that no matter how difficult things got, and while he knew and understood his alter to be a part of him, he was ashamed to admit that he could barely control Jasper as it was when he wasn't in his right mind.
His alter?
Carlisle couldn't control him before and he certainly couldn't do so now.
How did Maria managed to keep them in such tight leash? Was it because of The Major? Or was it because of the abuse? Both?
Carlisle couldn't blame Jor for seeing everyone and everything as an enemy though, he couldn't, not when it was clear that his personality was born out of a life filled with nothing but pain.
He wasn't a monster no matter what Edward said.
Jor was Jasper's guardian angel. That's why Jasper didn't remember the worst of the abuse he endured. Memories that were way too painful for him to recall, his anger and pain... all of the bad things.
Jor had kept it to himself so Jasper wouldn't suffer.
He was the reason Jasper survived that Hell.
Reason why it broke him the sole idea of having to ask Jasper to keep him away. He was part of Jasper. His savior. His protector.
But what was Carlisle suppose to do? He had run out of ideas at this point. He had tried talking to him but all that got him were growls and insults. He had tried making him feel included but he never failed to turn his back to it. He didn't care about anyone but the females of the house and even that was questionable.
He kept biting himself if the growing scars on Jasper's arms were something to go for. Kept doing rather harmful things to himself.
The sudden knock on the door pulled him out of his thoughts.
-Come on in.- He called and soon Jasper stepped in.
-Come sit down darling.- Esme requested as she pulled the chair. Carlisle had to give it to his wife. She sure knew how to keep herself calm right now.
But Jasper didn't sit down.
-No thank you I... I know you wanted to speak with me but, it's okay if I tell you somethin' before?- He asked, he wasn't looking at either of them, shoulders drawn together.
-Of course, but could you please sit down?- This time Carlisle was the one who requested it. Jasper did obey this time, coming to sit on the chair across from the desk he sat at.
He fidgeted for a moment before dropping his shoulders.
-I've done horrible things. Things I'm not proud of and things I wish I could forget. Some of 'em because Maria told me to and some of 'em because I wanted to take it out against someone else. I've killed without reason. The trainings I put you through were nothin' but laughable compared to what I did to every single newborn that was put under my hand. I used my gift to cause 'em irreparable damage at times. I tore 'em apart. Manipulated 'em into fighting each other whenever they fraternized way too much.
Jasper's words were unexpected. Confusing. Esme had a hand against her mouth and a stricken expression plastered on her face. Carlisle at her side looked surprised and sad. Shocked.
-Not that we don't appreciate the trust but, why are you telling us this now?
-... In so many years of slaughter and carnage I'd lost nearly all of my humanity. I was undeniably a nightmare, a monster of the grisliest kind. Jor... He tried to kill Peter once and half of the time he just made things worse rather than help. He never listens and he does whatever he pleases. He's always eager to kill everyone on sight and he takes pleasure on hurtin' others. He...
He bit his tongue. He didn't want to tell them. Of all things this was the least he wanted to tell them.
But Alice had said he had to.
It was time for the lies to come to an end.
But he didn't want them to know.
-He's dangerous and cruel and arrogant. He's way too entitled and he trusts no one. He always sees the bad things in people and...
His real name isn't Jor.
He couldn't bring himself to say it.
-I know that you don't like him, and you have all the reason to not like him, he isn't a good person and he will never be, he won't yield to people's kindness, won't yield to affection. Even if I like someone he won't yield to it. You wanted him to belong here but that's never gonna happen, he may yield to Alice but he'll never yield to any of you... And that's not safe for you.
-Jasper-
-I'm a monster but he's worse, so much worse, and I hate the fact that even now I can't tell you the truth, Alice told me that it was time for the lies to end, and I thought I could tell you, but turns out I can't. Even if I know it would be safer that way I can't bring myself to tell you, I just...
He dropped his head in shame. He was a coward. He was no longer the God Of War. Now he was nothing but a pathetic coward who couldn't tell the truth behind something that was putting those he cared about in constant danger.
-But I don't want you to know, I can't let you know. Because if you know, everythin' will come apart and that's somethin' I don't want to happen. But it's selfish to keep you in the dark any longer, dangerous, stupid. I...
His claws dug on his sides as he bit down on his tongue. He couldn't do this. All the courage he had mustered earlier was gone. He couldn't do this . He was weak. Pathetic. Useless. A coward. Selfish.
-I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.- His voice came out pitiful, pathetic .
He was a coward.
And the worst kind at that.
He was a selfish coward.
~~~~~~~~~
Carlisle at first hadn't been sure where this conversation with Jasper was going.
But then the more he spoke the clearer it became that there was something more than dangerous about Jor. Something Jasper and Alice had kept from them for a long time.
Something important.
But he looked and sounded so distressed over the idea of telling them. Backing down and apologizing. He was accepting and agreeing that Jor was dangerous and that he would never get better.
And while Carlisle wanted to demand for an explanation. For him to tell them the truth of whatever he was hiding.
He couldn't.
Not when Jasper was shaking so much. Not when he was apologizing in such small voice. When he sounded so scared and vulnerable.
And certainly not when he heard the sob.
He kept apologizing.
Esme could no longer keep herself away from him when she heard him, she went up to him and wrapped her arms around him.
-Please don't leave me. Even if you were to somehow find out about it please don't send me away. I promise I'll keep him away from now on, you won't see him ever again, I swear. But please don't send me away.- His voice came out so small Esme and Carlisle felt their hearts shatter.
-Oh, sweetheart, there's nothing in this world that could make us send you away, Jor... He's quite violent but he's still part of you, he kept you safe for so long, we aren't asking for you to lock him away we just... we would like for him to stop attacking at every given opportunity, both for our safety and for yours.
-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.- Esme hugged him tighter and rested her cheek on his hair. He was sniffling and those sounds did nothing but break her heart.
-My darling, you have done nothing wrong. There's nothing for you to apologize, nothing for you to be afraid of, no one is getting rid of no one, you are part of this family, and we love you no matter what.- Esme told kissing the top of his head.
-Jasper, son, you will always belong here, we may not be related by blood but I love you as my son, and I will always do so no matter what, we are a family, we will be there for you through bad and good the same as you have always been there for us.- Carlisle said as he stood up so he could also wrap his arms around his son and his wife in the process.
Whatever was it that he was hiding... For it to put him in such state of distress...
It had to be bad.
But if Alice herself hadn't come to tell them herself at this point then it meant it wasn't as dangerous as Jasper made it out to be.
Because despite all he knew that Alice would never keep to herself something that could put them all in danger.
And at the end she had hid the detail of Jasper being a black blood for his safety.
Jor was dangerous, and Carlisle could love Jasper.
But he was tired. It pained him to admit it but he was tired.
He couldn't deal with Jor and at the end Jasper was always the one who ended up getting hurt the most.
Thus maybe, just maybe, Jor's disappearance was for the best.