Part V - The Burning
I think you lost all interest in this world. You were disappointed and discouraged, and lost interest in everything. So you abandoned your physical body. You went to a world apart and you're living a different kind of life there. In a world inside you.
Haruki Murakami, 1Q84
Chapter 101 - Needing, Depending, Wanting
September, 2002
"Sir."
Sephiroth stares at the wood surface of the desk. His fingers trail the smooth surface. He has cleaned away every personal item. It did not matter if they had been his or Lazard's. They are gone. The slate is clean. The office is empty.
The notes in another's hand on the computer display are shredded. The fountain pens have been minimized to one. It lays in front of a half used pad, the sheets stripped and thrown away. Angeal's plant is gone from the corner. Sephiroth had given it to Alvar. It sits on his desk now. The sun is less but he is sure it will not wither into nothing.
Sephiroth still looks for the plant in his office on occasion.
It is a bad habit.
"Sir?"
A notebook that Sephiroth carried into this office from his First Class desk is the only thing that remains. It is idiotic. He should recycle it but it has stayed. Their handwriting is inside it. A running joke between Angeal and Genesis was to leave messages inside the book. Genesis' cursive sweeps. Angeal's lines are uniform. He cannot stop how it makes him feel.
This is the last piece he has.
"Sir."
Sometimes the notebook makes him angry. The memories are sharp and foolish. Sometimes it is the grief that boils up. It doesn't matter how many days or months have passed.
It still hangs on his shoulders.
He will carry the notebook back to his apartment today. From there, he's not sure what he will do with it. Probably he will throw it out like everything else before he leaves Midgar for the last time, he supposes. He doesn't want to leave a trace anywhere. There will be no signature. He will remove himself from this life, wholly and completely.
It is for the best.
No one else wants it.
"Sephiroth, sir?
It's the name that catches his attention.
Alvar stands on the other side of his desk. He's different than he was a few years ago. The insecurity is still there but he stands taller and fuller. Now he watches him with his eyebrows drawn and one of his hands digging into the opposite arm behind his back.
"Yes."
Alvar's eyes skate across the empty desk.
"Sir. I…"
Alvar stops and says nothing.
It's hours before he goes to Nibelheim to pursue Genesis or whatever remains of him.
Hojo has asked to see him before the visit. He should be nervous about the visit or that he might be pressured into getting his blood drawn. Hojo's medications have long since left his system. Mariella's implant is detectable in lab tests but it doesn't matter if he doesn't come back to Shinra.
And hiding the implant has been worth it. His head is clear despite everything. He feels stronger with Mariella's medication than ever before. It is a gift that he no longer feels like he wants. Nothing has gone to plan. The people he thought that he might share parts of his life with are gone.
Alvar holds his breath.
"Is there a call for me?" Sephiroth asks.
He shakes his head. Sephiroth hadn't heard the phone ring. It was more meant to prompt the assistant into words.
Sephiroth knows if he finds Genesis, there might be a chance to change things between them and kindle their friendship. If there is not, Sephiroth is taking it, he's taking the loss, he's taking everything. He will run away. This life is not worth having. If he lives, he learns to live. If he dies, he dies.
It's a finality.
It's an answer.
Maybe it will fix something in him.
Maybe it will break the rest of him.
Perhaps, he doesn't care.
There is a letter in the desk drawer on top. Sephiroth wrote it this morning. There is only one First left so Sephiroth addressed it to Zack Fair. It's short. The instructions tell him the immediate concerns of being Director. Boiling down the responsibilities to a bullet point list seems like a parody.
What was once Angeal's passion listed simply for his prodigy.
"Sir." Alvar steps forward. "I want to-I feel like I should-Sir, this decision-"
He cuts himself off. The sentence drifts into silence. Sephiroth watches the emotions working across his face. It's untouchable for Sephiroth. He can't admit to what he is doing. It would be terrible for the assistant once he is gone. Plausible deniability is Alvar's only and strongest defense.
Who is Alvar to him anyways?
Sephiroth had signed his name on Zack's letter.
He had stared at the blank space where a last name should be.
Orlin's words come back to him.
No family.
Would a normal person run to family at this time? It feels like it might be correct. There are stories he hears about having a family. Yet, he has never been normal. That has been taken away from him more than he can count. He feels too deeply. He's hurt himself over and over again getting attached to things that never last. He should have learned his lesson. He should have known.
"I believe I have made all the necessary preparations for my departure," Sephiroth says, "Did I miss something?"
Alvar's eyes drop to the floor. "No, sir. Not for the mission."
"Not for the mission," Sephiroth says.
The conflict and words spill out his assistant's face. "Sir, I respect you. I always have. I don't know if you should-I know that things have been-"
This is the edge of something. Sephiroth feels it, the gravity of another human being trying to pull him into his orbit, trying to save him. Maybe there was a period of time when Sephiroth might have listened.
"Alvar." Sephiroth cuts him off instead.
"Yes, sir?" There is a light in his eyes.
"You are going on vacation. Two weeks. Starting today." Sephiroth pauses and tries to remember what is missing. He pulls open a drawer and takes out an envelope. "This is adequate money. Go to the place you always dreamed of."
It's thin. There is only a check in it. Sephiroth had added one more zero than he thought necessary.
"But-" He steps forward.
"Leave this place while I go to Nibelheim."
"Sephi-"
"Consider it an overdue bonus. For your hard work."
"I'm-" He shuts down the words. His eyes lower and he nods. "Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. It is my pleasure, sir."
He knows. They both know. It sits between them like tension on a line. There are once again words he doesn't know how to say.
Sephiroth doesn't have any practice at this.
"You have made…this easier." It feels awkward and sour in his throat. Alvar's help has been quiet. The bottles of alcohol that have disappeared, the meetings that have been rescheduled without question when Sephiroth told him "I cannot do it," the light outside his office, the smooth lies to R&D, he has been there.
The thank you dies in his throat.
It admits that he needed him.
Needing, depending, wanting, these are all dangerous things.
Words are swelling up like a wound in Alvar but the only words that are permitted to come out is a "yes, sir."
Alvar pauses.
"Thank you, sir."
Sephiroth nods. The notebook comes into his hand and he looks at the room one more time. It never felt like it was his. This office belonged to Lazard and it should have been inherited by someone who wanted it. Sephiroth has always been a set decoration.
The envelope is light in his hand. Sephiroth had looked up Alvar's last name to address the check to him. His HR profile also revealed his annual pay. This was one of the reasons for the extra zero. The money left in the account doesn't mean much to Sephiroth. There is no time to transfer it away to himself if this is the last time that he has access to it.
Alvar takes the paper and stares at his name written on the front. The edges of his ears go red. His eyes close and then he nods again.
Sephiroth slips out of the room, away from his assistant.
This is for the best.
Letting him go away during the worst of the storm is the best he can do for him.
Zack has the personality to lead. He would make mistakes but he would recover. SOLDIER would recover. It is easy to see that PR is priming to take Zack Fair on as the new golden boy. Perhaps it would even be Alvar by his side. Zack doesn't have an assistant. Alvar comes with the office if Sephiroth is not around. Maybe Zack could give him something.
Maybe Alvar could have a friend, not this ghost that Sephiroth has become.