disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm just writing stories about them.

author's note: I just loved Quills! The only thing I regretted was that there wasn't enough romance in it. And since I'm such a romantic person, I wrote this short story. So this is what also could have happened between Madeleine and the Abbe when she came to his quarters in the middle of the night.

This story was first published by me on the Joaquin Phoenix Multimedia Site.

Update 10/2019: Okay, so I wrote this somewhat cringeworthy piece of fan fiction when I was about seventeen years old, after seeing Quills for the first time. I forgot I had actually published it here, until today. I thought about removing or rewriting it, but I think I owe it to my seventeen-year-old self to keep it here just the way it is (minus a few typos and some blatant misspelling I just had to correct). It clearly meant a lot to me back then and I must have been quite proud of it as well (as English is not my first language). Seeing Quills again today, I must say I don't feel the way I felt eighteen years ago: though unbelievably heartbreaking, Madeleine and Abbe's story was quite perfect the way it was and a scene like this was not necessary at all.

So, thanks to those of you who've read this story already and liked it (as their comments suggest). To those who stumbled upon this while browsing for some Joaquin Phoenix content after discovering him (or rediscovering him, as was the case with me) in the magnificent Joker: enjoy it, or don't. Just bear in mind this is the work of a teenager with a heart full of love and a desperate need to write. ;)

CERTAIN FEELINGS

As she was lying in bed, Madeleine looked up at the ceiling. She thought about what the Abbe had said to her that night. I'm sending you away. Did he mean it? And would he really do it for her own sake, to protect her from the Marquis? Or did he just want her to go away, so he wouldn't have any problems anymore? She closed her eyes to stop the tears that were coming. She didn't WANT to go away! Charenton was her life, her everything. She had been here ever since she was a little girl, she couldn't even remember being somewhere else. And the Marquis! She wouldn't be able to live without his stories. She sighed. Deep in her heart she knew she was just making up excuses. She realised that she was just lying to herself, that she had been lying the whole time. Charenton, her childhood, the Marquis, none of them were her real reason for wanting to stay. She placed her hands before her face and started sobbing softly.

"Oh God, forgive me," she whispered, "forgive me."

After a while, she stopped crying and stepped out of bed. Torches lit the way as Madeleine moved down the corridor. In the distance, she heared sounds from the patients that had never really bothered her before, but now frightened her like hell. At last she reached the Abbe's quarters. She looked around to be sure that no one saw her and knocked on the door.

A few moments later, the door opened and a suprised Abbe appeared. His hair was a bit of a mess but he looked as handsome as always.

"Maddy? What are you doing here?"

She slithered inside and he shut the door quickly.

"You shouldn't be here, not at this hour. Suppose somebody saw you…"

"I had to come, Abbe," she said, cutting him off. He heared something in her voice that wasn't right, and he frowned.

"Madeleine… have you been crying?" he asked.

She turned her back to him and bit her lip, trying to prevent herself from crying again.

Look at me, she thought, I can't even look him straight in the eye anymore.

"Don't send me away, Abbe," she said softly, hopelessly.

"Maddy…"

"It's a sin against God for me to refuse your kindness. But my heart is held fast here…"

There was a silence, cut off by the Abbe.

"By the Marquis, right?" he asked with a lack of disappointment.

Madeleine sighed, frustrated because he didn't get it.

"My mother isn't half as blind as you are."

Another long silence. Madeleine wanted to turn around and see his reaction, but she didn't dare. She was too afraid of seeing the opposite of what she wanted so desperately.

"Oh Maddy," he said then, wrestling with his own feelings. He slowly drew near her, not knowing what to do. "There are some feelings we can not… we must not voice."

He placed his hands on her shoulders. She shivered, feeling his warmth on her skin.

"Why not?"

"They incite us to act… in ways we should not… can not," he whispered.

He moved his hand higher and caressed her hair. She turned around with hesitation and faced him, not really understanding what he wanted to make clear to her. She had made her confession, but she wasn't sure if he had too. She noticed that his blue-green eyes were full of emotion, something she had never seen with him before. And suddenly she was so overwhelmed with feelings that she started to cry again.

"Please, don't cry… my dear…," the Abbe said and he gently wiped away the tears on her cheeks with his fingers.

"I don't want to leave you," she sobbed. He took her face between his hands and smilled.

"It's alright, don't worry. You don't have to leave… if you don't want to."

He gave her a long kiss on the forehead and held her against him. She responded his gesture by wrapping her arms around his waist and holding him tight. God, he thought, what is happening? How much he had longed for holding her like that! And how much he wanted to go further! But he couldn't. Even if she wanted the same, he just couldn't…

He broke away from their embrace and took a step back.

"What is it?" she asked.

"I think you'd better go now," he whispered. He saw the disappointment in her eyes but tried to ignore it. "Please."

She stared at him.

"Okay," she said, "whatever you want."

And then she turned around and left, slamming the door.

"Maddy…," he called, but she was already gone. He leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. "It's not fair. It's just not fair!"

Then he looked at the crucifix above his bed and suddenly he had this crazy thought. His only love had always been God. But now he realised that no God could take the place of Madeleine.

He quickly opened the door.

"Madeleine!"

No answer.

"Madeleine!" he called again, but this time he was running through the hallway. He couldn't think clearly and he seemed not to care anymore about the fact that someone could hear him.

He kept running through the corridors until suddenly he found himself in the garden. He stopped and looked around. He knew she had been here, because she had to cross a part of the garden to go to her sleeping quarters. He hesitated. He knew he couldn't go after her, she wasn't the only one who slept there.

He was about to go back, disappointed, but then he saw a small white figure sitting on the bench a little bit further ahead. He knew it was Madeleine and suddenly he felt his heart beat faster. He went towards her and sat next to her on the bench.

"There you are," he said with a smile.

She startled.

"What are you doing here?"

He heared the anger and frustration in her voice.

"You'd better be carefull," she said, "God's watching!"

She stood up and walked away.

"Maddy…"

He went after her.

"Will you just listen to me?" he asked her, but she didn't answer and kept walking. Meanwhile it had started to rain and they were becoming pretty soaked.

"Maddy," he said again, but this time he grabbed her arm and drew her to him.

"What…?" she started, but she couldn't finish her question. He took her face in his hands and kissed her passionately.

What the hell is he doing? she thought. But she didn't reject him. She simply put her arms around him and kissed him back. Finally, all those hidden feelings, all those lost moments, every unspoken word, their whole life started to make sense when they were kissing. It felt like sunshine on a rainy day…like making up after a fight... like a light in the dark… like a warm place during a cold winter… like all the good things in life they hadn't experienced yet. It felt like home…

When they stopped, they just stood there, soaking wet from the rain, looking at each other's faces, staring into each other's eyes. He knew he was doing something he wasn't supposed to, but it felt so goddamn right to him! His own silent words startled him.

Sorry, he thought, although he wasn't quite sure who he was saying it to.

Madeleine saw the change of expression on his face. She saw he was fighting against something and she could read the guilt in his eyes.

"Abbe..." she started. Oh God, I'm gonna cry again!

"What?"

"What made you change your mind?" she asked him softly, placing her hand against his cheek. He tried to smile, but she could still see how the guilt was crawling over his face. It hurt her and she knew it was hurting him too.

"You did," he responded.

She smiled and touched the scar above his lip with her thumb. She took his face between her hands and gave him a soft kiss.

"I love you," she said then.

He stared into her eyes but didn't say anything back. She knew. He couldn't say it, but somehow she could read it in his eyes.

"Maybe it's time… that you go back," she said eventually.

He nodded. "I'm sorry."

"That's alright, I understand."

He placed a kiss on her forehead and wrapped his arms around her one more time. Then, he let go.

"Goodbye Madeleine."

He smiled and went back where he came from, with pain in his heart.

"Abbe?" she called.

He turned to face her again.

"Yes?"

"Thank you… for coming after me," she said. Her voice was beginning to sound strange again. He knew why. It was dark and she was wet from the rain, but despite that he knew. She was crying. For him. Oh, how he wanted to go back to her, take her in his arms, kiss her like he just had, make love to her, run away with her to some place far away. But he couldn't…

"My heart told me to go after you."

But my mind won't let me stay with you…

And he left.

Days passed and the both of them pretended as if nothing had happened that night. Oh yes, it hurt. More than one could imagine. But it probably was for the better. But then… he lost her. Lost her in the worst meaning of the word. And he kept blaming himself. He blamed himself for her death, for her whole miserable life, for all her suffering.

But most of all, he blamed himself for not saying that he loved her.

THE END.