Later that morning, the children had started to take their seats in Mr.
Ratburn's classroom. Brain and Muffy sat next to each other, talking quietly.
"The laws of time and space don't seem to apply in our situation," said Brain. "Muffy's consciousness is probably floating around in a dimensional pocket somewhere, waiting to come back once this is all over. I wouldn't worry about it."
"I hope she hasn't decided to ditch her body and take over someone else's," said Muffy/Brain.
"Hey, Brain," said Binky as he walked past their table, "I wanna ask you something."
"Not now, Binky," said Brain. "I'm trying to get in touch with my feminine side."
"That's not funny," said Muffy/Brain, offended.
"You thought of it," Brain quipped.
Muffy suddenly grinned. "I just thought of something else. You know everything that will happen to me today, right? What if we go to the horse races, and you tell me which horse will be the winner, and I place some bets? We could get rich."
"That wouldn't be ethical," said Brain. "Besides, you're already rich."
"I know," said Muffy/Brain. "I wasn't being serious."
Muffy and Brain glanced toward the front of the room at Mr. Ratburn, who was still writing figures on the board.
"And another thing," said Muffy. "When I wake up tomorrow...I mean, when I wake up this morning and become you, will I have to say everything I've heard you say, exactly as you've said it?"
"Yes," said Brain. "So pay close attention."
Mr. Ratburn turned and began to lecture. "Today we'll examine the question of whether a watched pot ever boils..."
----
While the Lakewood school children enjoyed themselves during recess, Buster stood behind the south wall of the library, whistling quietly and a bit nervously. Every few moments he glanced around as if expecting a visitor.
After a short time Muffy rounded the corner, holding her hands behind her back. She strolled over to Buster and faced him, smiling.
"There you are, Muffy," said Buster. "So, where are the aliens you wanted to show..."
Before Buster could finish his sentence, Muffy reached out, grabbed him by the cheeks, pulled his head down, and kissed him squarely on the lips.
Buster's eyes went wide. His ears became straight as bamboo shoots.
After a kiss that lasted roughly seven seconds, Muffy released Buster's head. Buster slowly backed away a few steps, then turned and ran, screaming.
Brain came around the corner, his hands in his pockets. "Disappointing, wasn't it?" he said casually.
"I'll say," Muffy/Brain replied. "We can try it again in five years."
"Assuming that Muffy doesn't come back to reclaim her body by then," Brain continued.
The two Brains started to walk slowly in the direction of the school building. "You want to know what I think?" said Muffy/Brain.
"I already know what you think," Brain responded.
"I'll say it anyway. I think Muffy intended for this to happen. Somehow she stuck me with her body, then floated off noncorporeally to the South Pacific, where she's having the time of her life."
"That's a silly idea," said Brain, "but it's as good as any explanation I can come up with."
"So that makes me Muffy's body-sitter," said Muffy/Brain. Brain laughed.
Muffy became more serious. "What if she doesn't come back for a long time? Or at all? I think two days is a long time to be in this weird situation, but what about five years? Or ten? How will we cope?"
Brain looked thoughtful, even more so than usual. "Yes, I have considered that possibility. We may have to adjust."
"You know, Alan," said Muffy/Brain, her voice sounding a bit more feminine, "there's no reason why we should both become scientists."
"Oh?" said Brain curiously.
"For you, it's a no-brainer, if you'll pardon the expression. Boys are expected to do things like that. As for me, well...there are other possibilities."
"Such as?"
"Picture us ten years from now," said Muffy/Brain dreamily. "You've got a full-ride scholarship to Harvard, naturally, while I, on the other hand, have grown into a stunning Rubenesque beauty."
Brain stared at her, looking a bit worried.
"Think of it," she went on. "One day, you're employing the tools of science to solve the mysteries of the universe. The next day, you're strolling elegantly down the runway, wearing a gorgeous chiffon gown, the sequins glittering in the limelight..."
Suddenly Brain grabbed Muffy by the shoulders and began to shake her. "Snap out of it!" he cried.
"Huh? What?" said Muffy, a bit dazed. "What happened?"
Brain stopped shaking her. "You were talking like a girl!"
Muffy/Brain gasped. "Omigosh! I don't know what came over me!"
"It's a good thing I was here," said Brain, lowering his hands. "You might have been lost forever."
Muffy/Brain wiped her brow. "That's it. I'm not kissing any more boys."
As Brain and Muffy walked through the playground, they passed by Francine, who was jumping a rope twirled by Fern and Sue Ellen.
"Hey...Muffy," called Francine between jumps.
"Hey, Francine," Muffy answered. "Don't hurt yourself."
"Francine and I are going to the mall tonight," said Fern. "Do you want to come along? It'll be fun."
Muffy seemed undecided. "Uh..."
"I wouldn't advise it," Brain said quietly to her. "Not after that moment of weakness you just had."
"But I'd like to go," said Muffy/Brain. "I can't spend the whole day following you around."
"If you go," said Brain sternly, "you won't have my strength to rely on. You'll be alone, unprotected, and female, in a shopping mall. Are you prepared to face that kind of temptation?"
"The way you describe it just makes it sound more exciting," said Muffy, smiling.
She turned back to Fern, who was now jumping in place of Francine. "Sure, I'll come. What about you, Sue Ellen?"
"I can't," Sue Ellen answered. "I've got to help my parents prepare for the party tomorrow."
"Oh, yeah, the party," said Francine. "So what's this big announcement you keep telling us about?"
"You'll find out," said Sue Ellen mysteriously. "Just come."
Brain wiped his hands together. "I wash my hands of this. You're on your own."
"Fine," said Muffy/Brain.
As Brain walked away from the girls, he put a finger over his mouth and started to snicker.
----
The final bell of the day sounded, and the kids in Mr. Ratburn's class began to stow their books and papers. "Don't forget about the math test tomorrow," The Rat called out.
On the way to the school exit, Muffy/Brain walked alongside Buster, who, surprisingly, didn't seem alarmed or nervous to see her.
"Buster," said Muffy, "I...I hope I didn't send you the wrong message by kissing you today."
"Of course not," said Buster, smiling. "I understood perfectly what you were trying to tell me."
Muffy gaped. "You...you did?"
"Yeah. And I'd love to put on a petticoat, go to the park and chase squirrels with you, but I really need to study for the math test. See ya."
While Buster walked ahead, the astonished Muffy tried to determine the meaning of his statement, or whether it had any meaning at all.
She was still turning it over and over in her mind when the limo came to a stop in front of the mall entrance that evening.
"I can spend more money than you can," said Francine as she jumped out of the limo.
"No, you can't," said Fern as she followed after.
"I can spend more money than both of you put together," said Muffy, the last to exit the vehicle.
"Yes, you can," said Francine and Fern in unison. The three girls giggled.
As they approached the doors leading into the mall, Muffy/Brain suddenly stopped.
"This is crazy," she thought. "As soon as I go through those doors, all my logic and reason will fly out the window, and my girl instincts will take over."
"Uh, Muffy?" said Francine. She and Fern had also stopped short of the doors.
"Oh, well," thought Muffy/Brain, "you're only female once."
"You okay?" asked Fern.
"Uh, fine," said Muffy. "I just thought for a second that I might have forgotten my wallet, but then I remembered that I never forget my wallet."
The girls entered the mall, and Fern was immediately and irresistibly drawn into the Comics Craze store. "Ooh...comic books," she droned.
"Great," moaned Francine. "Fern and her comic books."
She turned and saw that Muffy had also entered the comics store, and was gazing (and quite possibly drooling) at a particular issue that was stored under a glass cover.
"What is it?" asked Francine.
"Bionic Bunny #17," said Muffy lustfully.
"I thought that was for boys."
"Uh...of course it is," said Muffy anxiously. "But this particular issue is extremely rare. There are only twenty copies left. If I could get my hands on all of them, then I could sell them at any price I choose."
"You and your get-richer-quick schemes," said Francine. "Oh, look! Rat Woman!"
As Francine and Fern browsed the selection of comics, they started to talk about Sue Ellen's upcoming announcement.
"She told me once that her dad was trying to get a job with the United Nations," said Francine. "Maybe he succeeded."
"Maybe she's decided to drop her middle name and go by Sue," Fern suggested.
"Or drop her first name and go by Ellen," Francine proposed.
"I think it's something more important than that," said Fern as she flipped the pages of a Zutzut comic.
Francine glanced around the store. "Where's Muffy?"
Fern looked outside of the store entrance and gasped. "Uh...oh..."
In front of the Dullard's clothing store stood an immobile Muffy, gazing up at a girl-sized mannequin clad in a gorgeous white taffeta gown.
When Francine and Fern reached her side, Muffy was mumbling almost incoherently. They could make out a few words: "...resistance...weakening... must...purchase..."
Francine looked at Fern blankly. "I think we should try to stop her."
"Yes," said Fern, "we're her friends, after all."
They stood and did nothing while Muffy pulled her wallet from her blouse pocket and walked into the clothing store.
----
The door to Muffy's bedroom cracked open, and Mrs. Crosswire stuck her head in. "Muffy, Brain's here to see you."
"Send him in," said Muffy happily.
When Brain entered the room, the sight he beheld was startling but not unexpected. Several boxes and bags littered the floor, and in front of the full-length mirror stood Muffy, turning from side to side to exhibit her new taffeta gown.
"How do you like it?" she asked Brain, smiling vacuously.
Brain stared at her wordlessly.
Muffy/Brain's expression slowly changed from ecstasy to horror.
She quickly reached into a shopping bag and pulled out a receipt. Her jaw plummeted when she looked at the figure on the bottom line. "Eight...hundred...dollars..."
Brain walked over and put a sympathetic hand on Muffy's shoulder.
Frantically, Muffy grabbed her wallet from off the dresser and forced it into Brain's hands. "Quick, Alan! Hide it where I'll never find it!"
Brain didn't move, but just shook his head. "Girls," he muttered.
Muffy/Brain glared at him. "You...you knew this would happen! Why didn't you warn me?"
"I did," said Brain.
Muffy/Brain's face fell. "And it's only my second day as a girl. What will I do next?"
"There's no way to tell," said Brain, placing Muffy's wallet on the dresser. "We're dealing with a formidable and unpredictable enemy...the Crosswire Shopping Gene."
"How do I fight it?" cried Muffy.
Brain sat down on the edge of the water bed and looked at his feet. "You don't. Resistance is futile. You must submit."
Brain and Muffy exchanged a long glance. Muffy's expression turned into one of resignation.
She turned back to face the full-length mirror.
"Do you think it makes my butt look big?"
(Once again, To Be Continued...)
"The laws of time and space don't seem to apply in our situation," said Brain. "Muffy's consciousness is probably floating around in a dimensional pocket somewhere, waiting to come back once this is all over. I wouldn't worry about it."
"I hope she hasn't decided to ditch her body and take over someone else's," said Muffy/Brain.
"Hey, Brain," said Binky as he walked past their table, "I wanna ask you something."
"Not now, Binky," said Brain. "I'm trying to get in touch with my feminine side."
"That's not funny," said Muffy/Brain, offended.
"You thought of it," Brain quipped.
Muffy suddenly grinned. "I just thought of something else. You know everything that will happen to me today, right? What if we go to the horse races, and you tell me which horse will be the winner, and I place some bets? We could get rich."
"That wouldn't be ethical," said Brain. "Besides, you're already rich."
"I know," said Muffy/Brain. "I wasn't being serious."
Muffy and Brain glanced toward the front of the room at Mr. Ratburn, who was still writing figures on the board.
"And another thing," said Muffy. "When I wake up tomorrow...I mean, when I wake up this morning and become you, will I have to say everything I've heard you say, exactly as you've said it?"
"Yes," said Brain. "So pay close attention."
Mr. Ratburn turned and began to lecture. "Today we'll examine the question of whether a watched pot ever boils..."
----
While the Lakewood school children enjoyed themselves during recess, Buster stood behind the south wall of the library, whistling quietly and a bit nervously. Every few moments he glanced around as if expecting a visitor.
After a short time Muffy rounded the corner, holding her hands behind her back. She strolled over to Buster and faced him, smiling.
"There you are, Muffy," said Buster. "So, where are the aliens you wanted to show..."
Before Buster could finish his sentence, Muffy reached out, grabbed him by the cheeks, pulled his head down, and kissed him squarely on the lips.
Buster's eyes went wide. His ears became straight as bamboo shoots.
After a kiss that lasted roughly seven seconds, Muffy released Buster's head. Buster slowly backed away a few steps, then turned and ran, screaming.
Brain came around the corner, his hands in his pockets. "Disappointing, wasn't it?" he said casually.
"I'll say," Muffy/Brain replied. "We can try it again in five years."
"Assuming that Muffy doesn't come back to reclaim her body by then," Brain continued.
The two Brains started to walk slowly in the direction of the school building. "You want to know what I think?" said Muffy/Brain.
"I already know what you think," Brain responded.
"I'll say it anyway. I think Muffy intended for this to happen. Somehow she stuck me with her body, then floated off noncorporeally to the South Pacific, where she's having the time of her life."
"That's a silly idea," said Brain, "but it's as good as any explanation I can come up with."
"So that makes me Muffy's body-sitter," said Muffy/Brain. Brain laughed.
Muffy became more serious. "What if she doesn't come back for a long time? Or at all? I think two days is a long time to be in this weird situation, but what about five years? Or ten? How will we cope?"
Brain looked thoughtful, even more so than usual. "Yes, I have considered that possibility. We may have to adjust."
"You know, Alan," said Muffy/Brain, her voice sounding a bit more feminine, "there's no reason why we should both become scientists."
"Oh?" said Brain curiously.
"For you, it's a no-brainer, if you'll pardon the expression. Boys are expected to do things like that. As for me, well...there are other possibilities."
"Such as?"
"Picture us ten years from now," said Muffy/Brain dreamily. "You've got a full-ride scholarship to Harvard, naturally, while I, on the other hand, have grown into a stunning Rubenesque beauty."
Brain stared at her, looking a bit worried.
"Think of it," she went on. "One day, you're employing the tools of science to solve the mysteries of the universe. The next day, you're strolling elegantly down the runway, wearing a gorgeous chiffon gown, the sequins glittering in the limelight..."
Suddenly Brain grabbed Muffy by the shoulders and began to shake her. "Snap out of it!" he cried.
"Huh? What?" said Muffy, a bit dazed. "What happened?"
Brain stopped shaking her. "You were talking like a girl!"
Muffy/Brain gasped. "Omigosh! I don't know what came over me!"
"It's a good thing I was here," said Brain, lowering his hands. "You might have been lost forever."
Muffy/Brain wiped her brow. "That's it. I'm not kissing any more boys."
As Brain and Muffy walked through the playground, they passed by Francine, who was jumping a rope twirled by Fern and Sue Ellen.
"Hey...Muffy," called Francine between jumps.
"Hey, Francine," Muffy answered. "Don't hurt yourself."
"Francine and I are going to the mall tonight," said Fern. "Do you want to come along? It'll be fun."
Muffy seemed undecided. "Uh..."
"I wouldn't advise it," Brain said quietly to her. "Not after that moment of weakness you just had."
"But I'd like to go," said Muffy/Brain. "I can't spend the whole day following you around."
"If you go," said Brain sternly, "you won't have my strength to rely on. You'll be alone, unprotected, and female, in a shopping mall. Are you prepared to face that kind of temptation?"
"The way you describe it just makes it sound more exciting," said Muffy, smiling.
She turned back to Fern, who was now jumping in place of Francine. "Sure, I'll come. What about you, Sue Ellen?"
"I can't," Sue Ellen answered. "I've got to help my parents prepare for the party tomorrow."
"Oh, yeah, the party," said Francine. "So what's this big announcement you keep telling us about?"
"You'll find out," said Sue Ellen mysteriously. "Just come."
Brain wiped his hands together. "I wash my hands of this. You're on your own."
"Fine," said Muffy/Brain.
As Brain walked away from the girls, he put a finger over his mouth and started to snicker.
----
The final bell of the day sounded, and the kids in Mr. Ratburn's class began to stow their books and papers. "Don't forget about the math test tomorrow," The Rat called out.
On the way to the school exit, Muffy/Brain walked alongside Buster, who, surprisingly, didn't seem alarmed or nervous to see her.
"Buster," said Muffy, "I...I hope I didn't send you the wrong message by kissing you today."
"Of course not," said Buster, smiling. "I understood perfectly what you were trying to tell me."
Muffy gaped. "You...you did?"
"Yeah. And I'd love to put on a petticoat, go to the park and chase squirrels with you, but I really need to study for the math test. See ya."
While Buster walked ahead, the astonished Muffy tried to determine the meaning of his statement, or whether it had any meaning at all.
She was still turning it over and over in her mind when the limo came to a stop in front of the mall entrance that evening.
"I can spend more money than you can," said Francine as she jumped out of the limo.
"No, you can't," said Fern as she followed after.
"I can spend more money than both of you put together," said Muffy, the last to exit the vehicle.
"Yes, you can," said Francine and Fern in unison. The three girls giggled.
As they approached the doors leading into the mall, Muffy/Brain suddenly stopped.
"This is crazy," she thought. "As soon as I go through those doors, all my logic and reason will fly out the window, and my girl instincts will take over."
"Uh, Muffy?" said Francine. She and Fern had also stopped short of the doors.
"Oh, well," thought Muffy/Brain, "you're only female once."
"You okay?" asked Fern.
"Uh, fine," said Muffy. "I just thought for a second that I might have forgotten my wallet, but then I remembered that I never forget my wallet."
The girls entered the mall, and Fern was immediately and irresistibly drawn into the Comics Craze store. "Ooh...comic books," she droned.
"Great," moaned Francine. "Fern and her comic books."
She turned and saw that Muffy had also entered the comics store, and was gazing (and quite possibly drooling) at a particular issue that was stored under a glass cover.
"What is it?" asked Francine.
"Bionic Bunny #17," said Muffy lustfully.
"I thought that was for boys."
"Uh...of course it is," said Muffy anxiously. "But this particular issue is extremely rare. There are only twenty copies left. If I could get my hands on all of them, then I could sell them at any price I choose."
"You and your get-richer-quick schemes," said Francine. "Oh, look! Rat Woman!"
As Francine and Fern browsed the selection of comics, they started to talk about Sue Ellen's upcoming announcement.
"She told me once that her dad was trying to get a job with the United Nations," said Francine. "Maybe he succeeded."
"Maybe she's decided to drop her middle name and go by Sue," Fern suggested.
"Or drop her first name and go by Ellen," Francine proposed.
"I think it's something more important than that," said Fern as she flipped the pages of a Zutzut comic.
Francine glanced around the store. "Where's Muffy?"
Fern looked outside of the store entrance and gasped. "Uh...oh..."
In front of the Dullard's clothing store stood an immobile Muffy, gazing up at a girl-sized mannequin clad in a gorgeous white taffeta gown.
When Francine and Fern reached her side, Muffy was mumbling almost incoherently. They could make out a few words: "...resistance...weakening... must...purchase..."
Francine looked at Fern blankly. "I think we should try to stop her."
"Yes," said Fern, "we're her friends, after all."
They stood and did nothing while Muffy pulled her wallet from her blouse pocket and walked into the clothing store.
----
The door to Muffy's bedroom cracked open, and Mrs. Crosswire stuck her head in. "Muffy, Brain's here to see you."
"Send him in," said Muffy happily.
When Brain entered the room, the sight he beheld was startling but not unexpected. Several boxes and bags littered the floor, and in front of the full-length mirror stood Muffy, turning from side to side to exhibit her new taffeta gown.
"How do you like it?" she asked Brain, smiling vacuously.
Brain stared at her wordlessly.
Muffy/Brain's expression slowly changed from ecstasy to horror.
She quickly reached into a shopping bag and pulled out a receipt. Her jaw plummeted when she looked at the figure on the bottom line. "Eight...hundred...dollars..."
Brain walked over and put a sympathetic hand on Muffy's shoulder.
Frantically, Muffy grabbed her wallet from off the dresser and forced it into Brain's hands. "Quick, Alan! Hide it where I'll never find it!"
Brain didn't move, but just shook his head. "Girls," he muttered.
Muffy/Brain glared at him. "You...you knew this would happen! Why didn't you warn me?"
"I did," said Brain.
Muffy/Brain's face fell. "And it's only my second day as a girl. What will I do next?"
"There's no way to tell," said Brain, placing Muffy's wallet on the dresser. "We're dealing with a formidable and unpredictable enemy...the Crosswire Shopping Gene."
"How do I fight it?" cried Muffy.
Brain sat down on the edge of the water bed and looked at his feet. "You don't. Resistance is futile. You must submit."
Brain and Muffy exchanged a long glance. Muffy's expression turned into one of resignation.
She turned back to face the full-length mirror.
"Do you think it makes my butt look big?"
(Once again, To Be Continued...)