Thanks to all those who are still reading this and have reviewed. You guys have pushed me…if not for that little nudge, I would've left this story unfinished at chapter two. Oh, I hope I can end this on the right note. Ah! I need some luck!
Note: The lyrics from Linkin Park's "Figure.09" are used in this chapter. I hope it adds to the story.
I don't own any of the characters in this story. (I take it back. I own Bobby's "demons"! I'm evil that way.)
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Journal of Robert Goren
By CJSpooks AKA the Major Spaz!
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Chapter 7: Figure.09
Goren watched sadly as Eames left him. She said that she had to go get the baby from her parents and that it's been an unusual day. He agreed that rest would be the best thing for the both of them. Still, he missed her company. He did not like to be seen as one of "them" "Them" being those who were also plagued by demons. Now he knew how his mother felt stuck at Carmel Ridge…alone in her head. He shivered. The feeling was not pleasant. Goren sighed and settled himself in to sleep. This was going to be a long night.
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Goren felt himself fall off of a cliff. He landed somewhere on his back in the abyss. He could not get up nor he didn't even try to. This was a test…he needed to pass or he'd die. He heard the voices speaking to him. He spoke back.
Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them
"I've been trying to stop these delusions and thoughts that I've been having for such a long time. The pain was too much for me to bear."
Sometimes I wonder why this is happening
"Is it my fault that this is happening? Did I do something wrong?"
It's like nothing I can do will distract me when
"I took up being a detective because saving the world and solving all the puzzles was somewhat helping me with this problem. But it soon was too much for me to bear. It was pulling me closer an closer to the abyss."
I think of how I shot myself in the back again
"Doing what I do is like an automatic death sentence. I knew it would catch up to me sometime. I knew that I wasn't invincible. They…you…were always with me."
'Cause infinite words I could say
"I could get myself out of it. It's odd. In an interrogation room, I had such a way with words. I could easily make the most hardened person cry. It was too easy for me then. But…when it struck, I couldn't do anything. I was speechless."
I put all the pain you gave to me on display
"I realized that you were the reason I was so tortured inside. You caused me so much pain. I wanted to be normal. I couldn't be that. It was you who had done this to me. I blamed you for everything. You were the monster."
But didn't realize
Instead of setting it free
I took what I hated and made it a part of me
"I should've just let it all go. I wasn't capable of letting go such strife. I held it close and tried to become acquainted with pain. I took all the hate and anger I felt towards you and made it a part of my soul."
It never goes away
"It's always there, embedded into my psyche."
And now
You've become a part of me
"You're now what I hold inside. Everything I am."
You'll always be right here
"I'll always keep you close."
You've become a part of me
"You are also what makes up me."
You'll always be my fear
"You ripped out my heart and soul…shredded my mind to pieces. Your words haunt and wound me. I fear you because…you are fear."
I can't separate myself from
What I've done
"For reasons beyond my comprehension, I can't stand back and watch myself die with the pain. I am unable to run away from this. I need to confront it."
I've given up a part of me
"I've wasted a lot of my life for you all."
I've let myself become you
"I've let myself become you."
Goren felt as if a giant weight had been lifted from his soul. He had passed the test. He listened for any voices. There was only sweet silence.
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Goren awoke the next morning, refreshed. It didn't matter to him that he was in the hospital anymore. He just needed to talk to Eames. He felt invigorated…he felt fully alive. The demons were not going to hurt him anymore. He was sure that he was cured. He just needed someone to vouch for him. He grabbed his small notebook. He wrote:
'Another day…unlike no other… I just woke up from the test of a lifetime. I passed and the demons have been defeated. I came to terms with the pain. It does not rule me anymore. I realized that it came from bottling it all inside. It was really disturbing. I need to tell someone of my newfound glory and happiness. My soul is free as a bird right now. I am happy and in love. It is what changed me. I am cured.'
Goren sighed and continued writing.
'Pain and fear come in many forms. For me, it came in the form of my mother and her schizophrenia. It also came from Deakins and all the cases he has sent me to solve. It came from Carver and all the criminals he put away. It came from all the criminals I've interrogated. It came from Nicole Wallace/Elizabeth Hitchens…she struck something inside that hurt me. It also came from the woman I love…my Alex. I was hurt and in so much pain, keeping the secret from her. She helped me get through life…and I took on her demons as well.'
'Fear and Pain do not rule me…I am myself again.'
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One year later
Bobby Goren laughed as his daughter, Lane, climbed on his back. She was in her terrible twos, almost three. They were playing on the front lawn of their new house. Alex came running up from the side of the house with the hose. Bobby didn't see her coming.
She sprayed him in the face. Spitting out the excess water, "Alex, I already took a bath."
She smiled innocently. "Oops." Lane laughed.
Bobby got up, taking his daughter off his back and holding her up. "You must have had me mistaken…Princess Laney here is the one who needs a bath."
"No!" –Lane said, shaking her head.
Alex nodded, "Daddy's right, Princess. A bath is needed…after you're all clean, we'll go out and see a movie or something."
Bobby smiled slyly, "Oh, a movie, what're we going to see?"
"It's a surprise." –Alex kissed him. "Could you bathe the princess?"
Bobby hugged his daughter and wife close. "Sure."
Alex went to the side of the house to roll up the hose. Bobby watched after her, lovingly.
"Daddy?" –Lane said quietly.
"Yes, my darling?"
"I need a bath."
"Okay."
Bobby put his daughter down and they walked hand in hand into the house.
The End…sort of.
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Well, what do you think? Um…I'm going to write filler chapters to this story so; it's not really over yet. I still have to tie up the loose ends with a few things. I hope it ends up being finished soon. Jeez…see you later or around sometime, bye byes.