Friends! Readers! Uhhh…random people who happen to share the same planet as me! Be afraid, be VERY afraid…the next installment of Harry Potter and the Twilight Zone has at last appeared from the black hole in which it was previously hiding. Be it known that the following tale is a product of many sleep-deprived breakfasts and as such may be extremely hazardous to the above people's health. It contains a great many freaky pairings, OOC-ness and surprise appearances by random characters. You have been warned. Proceed at your own risk. Thank you for your time and attention.

This has been a public service announcement.

A/N: Just a little note for those of you who have read the 5th book of Harry Potter already, if you haven't its ok—I'm not giving anything away in here I don't think…I'm just protesting the needless death of a certain character who should NOT have died and so they are included at some point in this story. I will not tell you who that is if you have not yet read the book, if you have and are angry at me for including them…you know what…I couldn't care less if you are….but if you agree w/ me…fell free to tell me so b/c most of the people I talk to think I'm an idiot for caring that they died. (Hey they were my favorite character…so there!)

And now on with the show!!!

Disclaimer: You know the drill: I own nothing. Characters appearing in this fic-let belong solely to J. K. Rowling, Tamora Pierce and J. R. R. Tolkein. Nothing but the extremely strange and decidedly odd plot is mine. (and sometimes I'm not even sure about that.)

So without further ado, I hereby present to you:


Harry Potter & the Twilight Zone

Chapter Three:

In Which Havoc Is Wrought & Jealousy Runs Rampant

After a long long long time of complete and utter silence, the tapping began again. The random characters sitting around the fire all blinked and stretched a bit, feeling as though they had been sleeping for a very long time…but that was impossible, for only a moment had passed…right?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Currently, Our Heroes were sitting in what they have fondly termed the "Common Room" just because its there and has couches. (WE are unsure of how they got there in the first place as we left them looking for food and standing about talking, but its not supposed to make sense anyway…) Alanna was across from Harry for no particular reason and was getting very uncomfortable because he was staring at her most unusually. Suddenly, Ginny appeared next to her. Totally unfazed by this strange turn of events, Harry divided his time between the two redheads, one of which was now increasingly uncomfortable, and the other who got jealous whenever his eyes were on the first.

~ * ~ * ~

Meanwhile…on another couch, Hermione was sitting between Neal and Ron. (heh heh heh) Neal originally sat there to be out of Alanna's view, just in case she got Ideas. Now he and Hermione were comparing notes on the different kinds of magic that they practice. Hermione was amazed that although they were called "mages" and their magic "the Gift," their spells were not really all that different. Neal was perplexed that their world had dragons and centaurs and phoenixes all the time. He explained to Hermione about the barrier that had been up for hundreds of years that had kept the Immortals (as he called them) separated from the Mortal Realms, and that they were still adjusting to the barrier being broken not so many years ago.

At this point, they began comparing philosophies and poor jealous Ron gave up on trying to understand what they were talking about and contented himself with glaring fiercely at Neal behind Hermione's head.

Suddenly, there was a flare and a puff of smoke and Sirius and Remus stepped out of the fireplace.

With a puzzled look at Sirius, Remus said, "This doesn't look like Dumbledore's office. We must have come put of the fireplace too soon or something."

Sirius looked around and spotted his godson. "Harry!" he exclaimed. "What are you doing here? Where is here? How are y—"

Harry looked up (finally). "Oh, hi Sirius," he interrupted, and then went back to staring at Alanna.

"That was…odd…" commented Remus.

Just then, Daine walked into the room and the two men's eyes were instantly riveted on her. They walked over and started talking. Somehow the conversation turned to animals (hey, go figure) and they all found out about everyone else's abilities—that Remus is a werewolf and Sirius can become a dog, and that Daine could become any animal that she wished.

Daine was uncommonly fond of dogs…probably because the first animal she ever changed into was a wolf, and she'd run with a wolf pack before coming to Corus…so she immediately loved Sirius and Remus, because even when they weren't transformed they still had many doggish qualities. (hey—they do in my world, ok?) So they sat in another group of comfy chairs (which had conveniently appeared the minute they decided to look for them, although no one had noticed that, being too wrapped up in their own silly lives to care that strange and unusual things were going on.) So they sat and talked, and then transformed (somehow even Remus could do this, even though no on e really knew what phase the moon was currently in) and played tag or just romped about the room, having an absolutely marvelous time.

~ * ~ * ~

Meanwhile…Ron and Numair decided to start a Jealous-Cast-Off-Male Club in which they could vent to each other the unfairness of the situation and complain about the inconsistency of women in general. At the same time, several innocent women were calmly wreaking havoc with their fellow man's emotions and having a splendid time about it too…

~ * ~ * ~

Meanwhile… (^__^) Alanna couldn't stand it any more. This kid was practically stalking her! She got up and nearly ran out of the room , colliding suddenly in the corridor with a tall cloaked figure. Seizing her chance, she ducked around it and gasped, "Save meeeeeeee!!!!"

Severus Snape turned around to see what he was saving this short, stocky redheaded woman from. Striding resolutely down the corridor was his arch-nemesis with a determined look in his pretty green eyes. Smirking evilly, he crossed his arms and barked, "Potter! What exactly do you think you're doing?"
Whereupon, Potter promptly stuck out his tongue at the evil Potion's Professor. Giggling insanely, he turned back around and headed back for his comfy couch. If he couldn't have one redhead, he would have the other. And anyway, he reasoned, the short one looked much too old for him.

Ginny welcomed his return to her joyously and went into raptures at the thought that he was all hers now…

…Simultaneously, Snape performed a complicated pirouette (everybody clap now) and faced his little damsel in distress. When she finally got a good look at her rescuer's face, Alanna swooned. For a second she thought of George…but…not even the King looked this good! (to her, anyway) She thought his long dark hair and deep silky voice terribly sexy. From his reaction to the sight of her he thought the same. Alanna noticed a doorknob on the wall behind her, turned it, and as the door opened, smiled at him provocatively. As she went through the doorway, he scowled suddenly. This was not the way Severus Snape usually acted! There was a drastic increase in the volume and tempo of the tapping noises. His eyes went blank and his face expressionless. He went placidly to the door, muttering repeatedly, "I will do whatever the author commands," under his breath. He blinked and found himself in a little broom closet sized room. Alanna looked up at him and beckoned. As he moved forward, the scene blacked out (for matters of rating and the fact that the great, wise and omnipotent Author has absolutely no idea what to do with them past this point) and faded back in at the fireplace in the common room. The Club for Jealous-Cast-Off-Males was taking a break from their rants to gaze meditatively into the fire and think about marshmallows. Sirius and Co. had regained human form and were also lounging by the fire. Neal and Hermione had run out of debatable topics and were (finally) silent. Harry and Ginny were doing God knows what (for the author certainly doesn't) when Gandalf the Grey strode into the room, the tip of his pointy hat just grazing the ceiling. "I'm looking for a new Ringbearer," he muttered around his pipe. Numerous pairs of glassy eyes stared at him dazedly.

"What'd he say?" murmured Ron.

"I think he said that he booked a Blue-Wing Wearer," said Hermione, confounded.

"No, no, you've got it all wrong!" exclaimed Sirius. "He said he was cooking a stew thing there."

"That's not it either," said Remus. "He said he's shnooking for a froo ping glarer."

Everybody looked at Remus. He grinned. "Just kidding."

"I'm looking for a new Ringbearer," Gandalf repeated, louder, removing his pipe from his mouth.

"Oh," said everybody disappointedly, expecting something odder, somehow. (I can't guess why!)

"Ummmmm…" started Hermione timidly. "Can we ask why?"

"But of course!" replied the ancient Maia grandly. "May I?" he asked, indicating the poufy old green armchair that most likely hadn't been there a moment ago. They all nodded, so he eased himself into the squashy depths and, when he was arranged to his satisfaction, began his tale.

"It all started when Frodo caught the flu. He's getting better, but he won't be able to get up for another month, at least. Sauron's forces are getting stronger, and if the Ring does not get to Rivendell soon, all hope of saving Middle Earth from certain and absolute destruction is lost. I tried everywhere in Middle Earth, but to no avail. In the Shire, there is no one like Frodo—none of them would ever consider leaving home. Yet, they, of all the others are best when it comes to resisting the Ring's power. Many people elsewhere would have gladly taken it, but I feared that they would succumb far too easily and use the Ring for themselves."

Gandalf pulled something small and golden out of his voluminous robes. All present (except Harry) gasped in awe. It was the One Ring!!! (Harry yawned.)

"Now," said Gandalf, "we can't let the world know that Frodo is currently…out of commission…for practical purposes, we need someone small—to fit in with the rest of the hobbits, and then to be correct relatively to the Fellowship (who knows how he knew that when the Ring hadn't reached Rivendell yet, but who cares, right?), so that rules out most of the adults…and all of the redheads would only attract more unwanted attention…" he turned to the remaining three who not yet been eliminated. "My dear, I don't think you would be able to go either, so that lea—"

Hermione stood up, outraged. "And why not? I am perfectly capable to doing anything these idiots can!"

"Hermione, it's called a fellowship for a reason," Ron reminded her quietly.

"Fine!" she glared at all the males in the room and rushed out the door with Ginny and Alanna hurrying after her.

Sighing, the old wizard turned to Neal and Harry—the last hopes of humankind…they were snoring. Sneakily, Remus poked them both. Blinking groggily and yawning, they looked around, wondering why everyone was staring at them with identical expressions of pointed blankness.

Gandalf leaned forward and presented them with the One Ring, intending to see how susceptible they were to its evil. Neal looked at it, crossed his eyes and promptly went back to sleep. Gandalf held the Ring out to Harry expectantly. All eyes turned to him, waiting to see his usual look of determination. Harry blinked. The Ring flickered gold and red in the firelight. "Ooooooh! Pretty!" exclaimed Harry, with a big cheesy grin.

Everyone groaned in unison.

Insulted, Harry poked Neal and led him out to the kitchen. As they stood, Gandalf saw for the first time just how tall they were, and realized that it wouldn't have worked anyway. They watched humanity's last hopes walk clumsily out the door. Just as they were resigning themselves to Absolute and Total Destruction, a very strange little man appeared. Quickly Gandalf stuck the Ring in his face. The little man looked from the Ring to the wizard and back again. He raised his eyebrow questioningly. Everyone cheered. He had shown himself unmoved by the power of the Ring. They were saved!

Gandalf moved to formally present the Ring to its new Bearer. "I wish I had more time to really get to know you, but I'm sure you will be able to get this Ring successfully to Rivendell. I hereby give you, um….what was your name again?"

"Dobby."

"…Dobby this Ring. Do you swear to do your best to get it to its destination, even if your very life may be forfeit?"

Dobby looked really terrified by this last bit, but nodded nervously all the same.

…

Gandalf put the Ring in his hand.

…

Suddenly Dobby got a decidedly evil glint in his eye and cackled madly as he disappeared—off to Take Over the World!

Gandalf put his head in his hands in shame. He had just sealed the fate of the known world.

Just then, Harry and Neal emerged from the kitchens, walking tipsily and smelling strongly of alcohol. As they reached the couches they giggled and collapsed on the floor, dead to the world.

…to be continued…

Bwahahahaha. Was that enough randomness for you? Author capers about madly and runs off to steal the Ring from Dobby the house-elf so that she can take over the world and fill it with Penguins and other good things like peanut butter and ladybugs.

To all you wonderful NYLF friends of mine, (who don't really know about this so they wouldn't be reading it anyway, but they get a shout out just because…well…because I can.) WE miss you already even though we've only been home one day. WE wish that the last week could have lasted forever and command that everyone gets together really really soon. You must al come from whatever ends of the earth you are currently residing in and visit me because, well…because WE say so. (so there)

TTFN!!!

~ Erm the Penguin ~

(if you don't understand the WE thing, don't ask…its not important to anyone who wasn't in the Pasteur group in Villanova this last week.)

Just a little side note….I just realized that Erg-Bob the hedgehog/cushion from the previous chapter has not appeared in this installment at all and am incredibly saddened by the fact that I unconsciously left him out. So he wrote the next bit just so he could be in there. (Drum-roll please!)

…Erg-Bob the incredibly handsome and intelligent hedgehog nosed around the kitchen. He found a chef's hat and apron lying on the floor and poked them about until he could get them on himself (which was very difficult seeing as he was lacking opposable thumbs…not to mention a neck and eyebrows.) Finding the kitchen wonderfully hedgehog-sized, he made himself a sizable breakfast of poached eggs, toast, and French vanilla cappuccino. Demolishing this example of culinary expertise in a matter of seconds, he left the mess for later and poked about some more. A few hours later, Erg-Bob the hedgehog-cum-chef had turned painter and discovered sufficient supplies in the cupboard to finger…err….paw? - paint a beautiful mural on the wall of the passage that led to the kitchen. Just about this time, the two groggy, insulted boys stumbled into the kitchen and helped Erg-Bob to find the bar. The chef/painter became a bartender and mixed drinks to his little red-gold heart's content and sent away his customers very happy (not to mention, very, very drunk.) No longer insulted that he was not included in this chapter, the chef/painter/bartender/writer retired from all work and curled up in a corner by the fire to enjoy watching all those sad, pathetic characters who were stuck in this predicament be made fools of by the author.

The end.

Lets all have around of applause for Erg-Bob!!!! Yay!!! Ok…now I really am done. Sorry this chapter isn't as random or funny as (I think) the other two were…tell me what you think anyway. Have a great summer…and hopefully I'll come back in two weeks with another installment. If you live in the Mt. Rushmore region, be very, very afraid and do not leave your houses because I will be there in a while. (Run away! Far, far away. Save yourself while you still can!!!!)