The Family Feud

Disclaimers: Still don't own them.

Summary: The Roberts family goes to compete on the Family Feud. Question is, which family are they feuding with? ;-) I've taken a few creative liberties with some of the Feud rules, but not too much...

Monday Morning
JAG Headquarters

"Sir," Tiner stood in the Admiral's doorway. "Lieutenants Sims and Roberts are here to see you."

"Send them in." Bud and Harriet walked into the Admiral's office and stood at attention.

"You wanted to see us, sir?" Bud asked anxiously.

"Yes. I've received a phone call from Goodman/Toddman Productions - the people who do The Family Feud. Seems they, along with every other game show out there, want to do a special focus on military. And they've heard about the Roberts family - a father, two sons and a daughter-in-law, all Navy."

"They want us to be on the Feud, sir? On TV?" Bud was shocked.

"Yes, they do. Will your father be available?" AJ smiled at the couple. "I think I can pull some strings at the Academy to cut your brother loose for a few days."

Harriet found her voice. "Sir, that would be wonderful. When do they want us to go?"

"Next week. So if you can wrap any outstanding cases Lieutenant Roberts, and if you'll prepare Tiner, Lieutenant Sims, I think you have a game show to start preparing for. Dismissed!"

The couple saluted and left the office, excitedly making preparations for their Hollywood adventure.

The Following Monday
Television Studio
Hollywood, CA

"It's time for The Family Feud!" The announcer's voice boomed. "Introducing the Anderson family; Mark, Andrew, Doug and Tom, ready for action!" The door opened to reveal a family dressed in Army uniforms, two younger men and two older men.

"And the Roberts family; Bud, Bud, Harriet and Mikey, on your marks!" The door slid over and showed the Roberts family sitting, glaring at each other.

"Let's start The Family Feud! With the star of Family Feud, Richard Dawson." The host smiled as he jogged onto the stage. The families each took their places and Big Bud went to the center to face off against the head of the Anderson family, Mark..

Richard read the question, "Name something you do first thing in the morning." Mark was quicker on the buzzer and gave his answer. "Brush my teeth." Richard repeated the answer, and it showed up as number three on the board. The host turned to Big Bud, to give the Roberts family the opportunity to beat the Anderson's answer.

Big Bud grinned and said, "Sit on the crapper." Harriet gasped, mortified.

Richard Dawson laughed. "Show me … Toilet!" His answer was the number one answer, surprisingly.

Big Bud walked back to his side. When he got there, Harriet punched him in the shoulder. "Ow!" he yelled. "It's what I do when I get up." Mikey and Bud just shook their heads.

Bud was the next to guess an answer and was very nervous. "Sleep."

Richard cocked an eyebrow at him. "Sleep?" It didn't show up on the board – the Roberts had one strike against. Two more and the Andersons would have the chance to steal their points.

Richard came to Harriet. He leaned in for his traditional kiss. Harriet grabbed him around the neck and planted a big one on his lips.

She blushed prettily. "I'm so sorry, Richard."

"No apology needed, Harriet. It's nice to be kissed by a woman in uniform," and he winked at her. "So … name something you do first thing in the morning."

"Get dressed?"

"Survey says … Yes!" It was the number two answer.

Mikey also matched an answer with the survey and the Roberts cleared the board.

Commercial break – Hey, look, Commander Mattoni is selling Select Comfort mattresses! ;-)

After the commercial break...

The game continued through its second round. The Roberts family was in the lead at the end, though not without a few moments of tension between Harriet and Big Bud. His answers were invariably loaded with double meanings or crude expressions. Amazingly, his answers most often matched what the survey rated as the top response.

It was on to the final round. Big Bud and Harriet decided to represent the family. Harriet went first; Big Bud went into the soundproof booth.

"Name something that floats in the bath." "Rubber ducky."

"Name a non living object with legs." "Table."

"Name something a cat does." "Purrs."

"Name something you do in the bathroom." "Take a shower."

"Name something you wear to the beach." "Hat."

"Thank you, Harriet. Let's see how many points you got." She ended up with 95 points. The board was cleared of everything except the points and Big Bud came out.

"Bud, you need to get 105 points to win the round. Are you ready?"

"Yes. Let's go."

"Name something that floats in the bath." "Bubbles." He grinned as he said that. Off-camera, Harriet began fuming.

"Name a non living object with legs." "Chair."

"Name something that a cat does." "Meows."

"Name something you do in the bathroom." "Read, if you know what I mean." He winked at the audience.

"Name something you wear to the beach." "For all those lovely ladies, a skimpy bikini." By this point, Bud and Mikey were holding Harriet back. Her face was red.

The buzzer sounded and Richard and Big Bud turned around to see how he scored. His answers were enough to get them the big money.

"Harriet, we've won!" Bud yelled. "I can't believe it!" They ran over to Big Bud and everyone began hugging. Everyone except Harriet. She cocked her fist and punched Big Bud. He shook his head, dazed.

"That was for those answers," Harriet said. Her anger spent, she smiled at him, "but I'm glad we won."

Richard commented to the audience, "Well, this is certainly the strangest way of celebration I've ever seen. It must be some Navy thing."

And the camera faded to commercial.