***
I'd forgotten to swallow.
It had been I don't even know how long since I'd bridged the gap between horrified slumber and traumatized awakeness, it was sort of a slow, lazy process, very much dissimilar to the nightmares I'd experienced in my childhood.
Words. Words alone had been the driving force behind this ungodly happenstance. Imagine that... the very words you speak slicing through your body, destroying you in and out.
Words I couldn't even remember now in the clear light of day. Except for that awful voice that sounded so much, so very much like my own.. telling me what she referred to as "the truth". A maniacal jumble of images, and that stench.. the stench of death had been so real.
Which made me ultimately wonder if it had really been... only a nightmare.
Crying didn't seem the appropriate response.. it demanded more from me. I lay frozen in my bed, my limbs aching with inactivity and strain. I barely kept breathing, and as I said before, I forgot to swallow. Maybe it wasn't a matter of forgetting, exactly. Maybe I was paralyzed with the fear of swallowing one of those hellish words.
Andros was standing over me, maddeningly backlit. I couldn't see his face, but I heard his voice.
"Karone?!"
Yes, that's me.
That was the same voice, the same tone of voice I'd heard only moments ago in the dream.
Andros.
You have a secret, and you won't tell me. You promised.
I felt my head rotating, and my eyes squinted to attempt to take the whole of him in. Perhaps I was squinting in a desperate attempt to see into his head. His memories.
Because he was THERE.
But so was I.
Slowly, a smile crept up onto my face. "Ha ha... did I scare you?" I heard myself giggling.
He reacted appropriately, first confusion, then relief, then annoyance flashed over him. "Very funny."
Good. That worked well. Impromptu, but very effective. Giddily, I sprung to my feet and felt my muscles protesting the swift movement.
"So, today's the day, isn't it?"
Fear, panic. It won't do. It simply won't do. I'd done so well just now, so well. I inwardly beamed, this was what I'd been trained to do. Quick recovery in the face of adversity.
("Humans were created with the cumbersome burden of emotion. I too was built in such a manner, which is why I speak the word with such an unappealing tone. I, however, am gifted in that I can simply deactivate my own adaptive emotional center. I believe my creator thought he was being clever when he implanted the coding into my mainframe.", Ecliptor had confided in me once. "However, through a strict series of mental programming techniques, many of which do involve deprivation of basic human activities, you can as well learn to control your creator's idea of a joke.")
There was no need to be so drastic now, admittedly.. but at the very least I'd do well to pretend, as often as I could, that things were as well as I could possibly desire them to be. Wasn't emotion, after all, simply a chemical reaction to what you tell yourself about a situation?
"It sure is." Andros said, making me jump. He'd been referring to my previous statement of the obvious. "Did you sleep okay?"
"Never better." I said, grinning.
"Wish I could say the same.. I.. ha ha. I fell asleep in Zhane's room." he laughed. "I hit my head on the table getting up."
"Ooh, ouch!" I exclaimed. "Bet Zhane laughed his head off."
"No, no." Andros laughed softly, shaking his head.
It sort of shocked me. The assumption that such an act would amuse someone had come naturally to me, but as I thought about it, what did I really know about the way Zhane would respond to it? Was the simple act of laughing at someone else's pain, minor as it may be, looked upon as insensitive?
I knew the rangers liked to tease each other, it was unusual to look upon at first, but I'd quickly grasped the reasoning behind it. But where exactly was the line to be drawn?
"I worry too much." I said aloud, shaking my head.
"About what?" Andros inquired.
"Oh.. heh. It's silly, really. Let's forget it. I want to go to the bridge as soon as I've had my shower and breakfast. I want to watch the entire trip to KO35 right in the front row. I don't even want to miss a single star."
He beamed, the worry and sleepiness entirely gone from his face. "That sounds like something we can manage." He gestured for me to follow him, and I left my bed in its sloppy condition, and hopefully with it all the thoughts that had haunted me.
In the hall, I began to feel a little modest; the clothes I'd slept in were rather shamelessly cut; practically crotch-length pink shorts and an oversized off- the shoulder white t-shirt with pink sleeves. I was certain I looked ridiculous compared to Andros, who was still dressed in his slightly wrinkled uniform.
Yet, it felt good to be worried about trivial things like that again. My appearance had become nearly secondary to me, and in comparison to the hours and hours I'd spent perfecting my makeup and hair.. back then... it was almost shameful how I'd let myself become so absorbed in my fretting.
We entered the bathroom area, and I saw Ashley and TJ quietly talking amongst themselves. Ashley looked up with a big smile on her face upon our arrival.
"Hey, you two! Good morning. I was starting to think we'd have to leave you both here." She skipped over to Andros and gave him a big kiss on the cheek.
"It's not that late, is it?" Andros laughed. "I think Zhane's gonna be even later."
"Yeah? He's in the shower right now." she giggled conspiratorially, gesturing behind her.
Andros blinked, then sighed. "Okay, okay, I'm late."
"Well, it was my fault." I confessed.
"Nothing we can't handle. You know, Cassie was actually up at about 5 am. It was unbelievable. And Carlos is already on the bridge running diagnostics." TJ said dryly. "I've been in here for an hour and a half reporting problems with the water pressure. There's something majorly wrong with the sinks."
"Oh no, don't tell me that." Andros groaned.
"Don't even bother with the one Cassie left her pajamas in." TJ advised, then left.
"Left her pajamas in..." I began, but Ashley put a finger to her lips.
"We think she's got major cabin fever." She whispered.
"Heard that." Cassie's voice echoed over the communication link. "TJ forgot to close the comm before he left."
"No, he probably did close it and it just didn't register. The sooner we get in for repairs, the better." Andros mumbled.
I gave a suitably amused grin, and then I headed into the female shower area, deliberately avoiding glancing at the mirror.
***
I'd forgotten to swallow.
It had been I don't even know how long since I'd bridged the gap between horrified slumber and traumatized awakeness, it was sort of a slow, lazy process, very much dissimilar to the nightmares I'd experienced in my childhood.
Words. Words alone had been the driving force behind this ungodly happenstance. Imagine that... the very words you speak slicing through your body, destroying you in and out.
Words I couldn't even remember now in the clear light of day. Except for that awful voice that sounded so much, so very much like my own.. telling me what she referred to as "the truth". A maniacal jumble of images, and that stench.. the stench of death had been so real.
Which made me ultimately wonder if it had really been... only a nightmare.
Crying didn't seem the appropriate response.. it demanded more from me. I lay frozen in my bed, my limbs aching with inactivity and strain. I barely kept breathing, and as I said before, I forgot to swallow. Maybe it wasn't a matter of forgetting, exactly. Maybe I was paralyzed with the fear of swallowing one of those hellish words.
Andros was standing over me, maddeningly backlit. I couldn't see his face, but I heard his voice.
"Karone?!"
Yes, that's me.
That was the same voice, the same tone of voice I'd heard only moments ago in the dream.
Andros.
You have a secret, and you won't tell me. You promised.
I felt my head rotating, and my eyes squinted to attempt to take the whole of him in. Perhaps I was squinting in a desperate attempt to see into his head. His memories.
Because he was THERE.
But so was I.
Slowly, a smile crept up onto my face. "Ha ha... did I scare you?" I heard myself giggling.
He reacted appropriately, first confusion, then relief, then annoyance flashed over him. "Very funny."
Good. That worked well. Impromptu, but very effective. Giddily, I sprung to my feet and felt my muscles protesting the swift movement.
"So, today's the day, isn't it?"
Fear, panic. It won't do. It simply won't do. I'd done so well just now, so well. I inwardly beamed, this was what I'd been trained to do. Quick recovery in the face of adversity.
("Humans were created with the cumbersome burden of emotion. I too was built in such a manner, which is why I speak the word with such an unappealing tone. I, however, am gifted in that I can simply deactivate my own adaptive emotional center. I believe my creator thought he was being clever when he implanted the coding into my mainframe.", Ecliptor had confided in me once. "However, through a strict series of mental programming techniques, many of which do involve deprivation of basic human activities, you can as well learn to control your creator's idea of a joke.")
There was no need to be so drastic now, admittedly.. but at the very least I'd do well to pretend, as often as I could, that things were as well as I could possibly desire them to be. Wasn't emotion, after all, simply a chemical reaction to what you tell yourself about a situation?
"It sure is." Andros said, making me jump. He'd been referring to my previous statement of the obvious. "Did you sleep okay?"
"Never better." I said, grinning.
"Wish I could say the same.. I.. ha ha. I fell asleep in Zhane's room." he laughed. "I hit my head on the table getting up."
"Ooh, ouch!" I exclaimed. "Bet Zhane laughed his head off."
"No, no." Andros laughed softly, shaking his head.
It sort of shocked me. The assumption that such an act would amuse someone had come naturally to me, but as I thought about it, what did I really know about the way Zhane would respond to it? Was the simple act of laughing at someone else's pain, minor as it may be, looked upon as insensitive?
I knew the rangers liked to tease each other, it was unusual to look upon at first, but I'd quickly grasped the reasoning behind it. But where exactly was the line to be drawn?
"I worry too much." I said aloud, shaking my head.
"About what?" Andros inquired.
"Oh.. heh. It's silly, really. Let's forget it. I want to go to the bridge as soon as I've had my shower and breakfast. I want to watch the entire trip to KO35 right in the front row. I don't even want to miss a single star."
He beamed, the worry and sleepiness entirely gone from his face. "That sounds like something we can manage." He gestured for me to follow him, and I left my bed in its sloppy condition, and hopefully with it all the thoughts that had haunted me.
In the hall, I began to feel a little modest; the clothes I'd slept in were rather shamelessly cut; practically crotch-length pink shorts and an oversized off- the shoulder white t-shirt with pink sleeves. I was certain I looked ridiculous compared to Andros, who was still dressed in his slightly wrinkled uniform.
Yet, it felt good to be worried about trivial things like that again. My appearance had become nearly secondary to me, and in comparison to the hours and hours I'd spent perfecting my makeup and hair.. back then... it was almost shameful how I'd let myself become so absorbed in my fretting.
We entered the bathroom area, and I saw Ashley and TJ quietly talking amongst themselves. Ashley looked up with a big smile on her face upon our arrival.
"Hey, you two! Good morning. I was starting to think we'd have to leave you both here." She skipped over to Andros and gave him a big kiss on the cheek.
"It's not that late, is it?" Andros laughed. "I think Zhane's gonna be even later."
"Yeah? He's in the shower right now." she giggled conspiratorially, gesturing behind her.
Andros blinked, then sighed. "Okay, okay, I'm late."
"Well, it was my fault." I confessed.
"Nothing we can't handle. You know, Cassie was actually up at about 5 am. It was unbelievable. And Carlos is already on the bridge running diagnostics." TJ said dryly. "I've been in here for an hour and a half reporting problems with the water pressure. There's something majorly wrong with the sinks."
"Oh no, don't tell me that." Andros groaned.
"Don't even bother with the one Cassie left her pajamas in." TJ advised, then left.
"Left her pajamas in..." I began, but Ashley put a finger to her lips.
"We think she's got major cabin fever." She whispered.
"Heard that." Cassie's voice echoed over the communication link. "TJ forgot to close the comm before he left."
"No, he probably did close it and it just didn't register. The sooner we get in for repairs, the better." Andros mumbled.
I gave a suitably amused grin, and then I headed into the female shower area, deliberately avoiding glancing at the mirror.
***