Ashley was clearly contemplating doing something about me.
To her credit, she had no qualms about making eye contact with me. That was pretty good, bordering on impressive for a woman of her nature. At first, I almost thought that she was going to play her self-designated role of Andros' worrysome girlfriend all the way through this little get-together. I even thought maybe she'd slip up and say something that couldn't be taken back. That would have been a great help to me, admittedly. I didn't want to be at this forever.
But as it turned out, behind those pretty eyes her mind was cranking like clockwork, trying to ponder a way out of this. She saw me as an enemy again. Automatically.
And she hid it very poorly, too. I noticed her trying to meet Carlos' eyes, and I nonchalantly shifted my body into her line of vision, smiling down at her. She swallowed and gave her best smile back to me. I held onto it for a moment, and then leisurely inhaled, shifting my weight so that I was leaning over her chair.
"I'd really hoped we could discuss this as friends, you know. After all, we've lived together for all these weeks... and I felt us growing rather close." I breathed, gratuitously playing the guilt card. "I thought the feeling was mutual. Thought we could talk about things."
Ashley didn't speak, she looked flustered.
I lingered my gaze on her honey-colored hair for a moment longer, then abruptly turned away from the entire table, my arms crossed. "I'm not going to hold any of you here against your will. You know why I'm not going to do that?"
No one responded.
"Because it'd be ridiculous! I weigh about 110 pounds! Any of you could take me!" I laughed, whirling back around energetically. "Oh, and let's not forget the fact that I'm not evil anymore. And people that aren't evil don't take hostages."
"Karone, we know you're not evil." Andros said, rationality dripping from his every syllable. He said it quietly, as if he were a hostage negotiator. It was then that I knew I'd crossed a line in his mind. Recrossed it, rather. I'd gone back to what he considered a delicate subject, ready to crack at any moment. Unstable, unpredictable. For all he knew, I could have them all in handcuffs.
It was an insulting thought. Hadn't I already proven my goodness to them before? Just because I was taking control of what I considered to be an unacceptable situation didn't mean my pure, snow-white soul had been polluted by the soot of evil.
I felt my brow furrowing beneath a strand of hair that had somehow come loose from the cute, pink barrettes I wore as a routine show of sweetness, and I slowly rounded the table until I was standing right behind Andros.
A few seats down, Ashley shifted in her seat and looked ready to jump to her feet. The thought amused me to no end.
Yes, Ashley. Make sure and prepare yourself to prevent the harm I'm sure to do to your beloved.
"You're absolutely correct. You do know I'm not evil. But that's not to discount the grand education I received while I *was* evil. I've learned to deal with almost any enemy in a timely and devastating manner. But that's rather irrelevant here, since none of us are enemies. Silly me." I resumed circling the table, breaking into a skip at times. "So, since we're all friends, why not relax a bit. We were having such a nice conversation before. I asked a simple question, and no one has answered me."
Cassie reached slowly to her clear glass of pop, and looking bemusedly at me the whole time, she took a short sip which nearly emptied the already half-empty (or is it half-full, Cassie?) glass.
"Like me to get you a refill, Cass? Since I'm up already." I offered.
She looked around the table, and a short giggle emerged from her lips. "No, I think everyone else would be more than happy to let me have theirs. You're not gonna drink that, are ya Carlos?"
He looked at her in disbelief. "Something like this going on, and you're worried about pop?!"
"Something like what? What, you guys can't tell me you're surprised that it came to this! You just put off telling her for this long, hoping what? That she'd forget? Christ, Andros, if you won't tell her, I will." She took Carlos' glass and drank from it, looking at me speculatively.
"I was not hoping she'd forget. You'd forget," He quickly said, kindly offering me the dignity of not being referred to in the third person. It was a surprising revelation, something from so long ago.
"Thank you." I said, looking both at him and Cassie. "Now we're talking. You don't seem so comatose anymore. Unfortunately, some of us still aren't offering much in the way of friendly conversation. TJ, what can you contribute to this?"
He shrugged, looking at the rest of the rangers. "I can't say much. I don't know where you'd like to begin."
"Well, let's see. First of all.. what happened to Zordon.. and who did it?"
He turned his gaze to me with a look that expressed somberness. "Zordon was destroyed. His energy tube was shattered."
"Shattered." I repeated, trying not to show the shock I felt inside. "How in the hell did that happen?"
He didn't speak for a moment, but I scarcely noticed. I imagined the worst-case scenario. A confrontation between Dark Specter and Zordon that didn't end well, perhaps? Who knew what happened after I joined the rangers. Dark Specter obviously had been furious about it, maybe it was a poorly-staged negotiation of some kind. Or just an act of rage. Or stupidity.
Not to mention... what on earth would become of the energy in that tube? We knew it was one of the greatest power sources in the galaxy. What could that much power do if it was loose?
And turning to the human, emotional standpoint.. what could the loss of Zordon of Eltar do to the infrastructure of the galaxy? He brought the Power Rangers together, defeated countless villains, was a mentor to millions of people.
It occurred to me that someone was speaking, very low and reluctant. I looked across the table and found that it was Andros. He was looking downward, his hair shielding his eyes in 2 sleek brown curtains that almost brushed against the table.
"I did it."
Ashley drew in a tearful-sounding gasp.
Surely this wasn't news to her, too! No.. because Cassie said she'd tell me. TJ began to tell me. Obviously Andros had confided in the other rangers. It was just Ashley's reaction to the way his voice had quivered as he spoke.
"You... you did it?" I asked quietly.
"Yes." He tilted his head upward and I saw that his eyes were brimming with tears and anger.
"Wh... I don't understand..." I said, feeling myself practically shrinking into the corner.
"Of course you don't understand. But you were there, Karone. You just don't remember it. You don't know how fortunate you are that you don't remember it."
"I was there?!" I cried, shaking my head. "What the hell happened?! Why did you--"
"BECAUSE I HAD TO!! I have a responsibility to the galaxy and no matter how much it hurt, I had to do it! I had no other choice!!" He jumped to his feet, his chair teetering precariously beneath him. "I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want it to hurt you the way it's hurt me, every day! Sometimes I can't even face myself when I think about you. How stupid I was to let you go back there. Whatever you did, however many people died, even Zordon's death, it's MY fault because I was a big enough jackass to let you go back there!! I was trying to rectify it! And I was glad to see that demon crumble to dust. It was the one consolation I had after seeing my mentor shatter beneath my sword. Knowing that he'd never corrupt you again was the one consolation I had!"
He spoke so fast, and so hysterically, that my head was spinning. In vain, I briskly shook it and blinked to try to make sense of what he'd said.
Ashley had gotten to her feet and tried to embrace him, but he shrugged her off, his hands clenched into fists. He inhaled and continued, his eyes drilling through me.
"Karone... sister.. do you really want to know the truth? I'll tell it to you. I will. I'll make good on my word.. but it'll hurt like hell. Do you understand that? It's gonna hurt like hell. It might hurt you worse than it's hurt me. Do you want to know? Honestly? You can live in the dark for the rest of your life, Karone. Wondering, all the wondering in the world... you can have it. You can draw your own conclusions, write your own story. I'm offering you that, Karone. We're going back to KO35, you can stay there, and in time you'll completely forget. You won't care anymore. You might even be glad that I did what I did, I don't know. You can turn a blank chapter into your life into salvation from knowing what I know. I'd give anything to not have had to see any of it.. and I'm offering that opportunity to you. Will you take it? Or do you still want to know the truth?"
I was stunned. Absolutely stunned. So much pouring out of my brother, all at once.. could the truth really be so horrible? So horrible as to reduce the greatest warrior in recent history to what I saw before me? Blubbering, practically begging me not to ask any more.. if it affected him that deeply, what would it do to me?
Shame poured over me. Selfish, stinging shame. How stupid was I? Did I really think that he was keeping the truth from me because of a selfish desire for control over me? Did I really think the brother that I loved and admired was that neurotic and possessive? I must have.. and this stupid show I'd put on just now... what was I trying to prove? What the hell did I think I was DOING?!
I'd been trying to get what was "rightfully mine"... but is anything ever "rightfully" anyone's? Is it anyone's right to know everything, even if knowing it destroys someone else's life? We're told that living in illusion is immature, childish, a sign of not being able to handle the truth. Humans like me labelled people who lived in an unreal scenario "mad". We call them delusional and lock them up. But what if they were faced with a situation like mine, and living in a fantasy was the only alternative to destroying someone else? Would I have any right to criticize someone who knowingly did such a thing?
But still...
***
To her credit, she had no qualms about making eye contact with me. That was pretty good, bordering on impressive for a woman of her nature. At first, I almost thought that she was going to play her self-designated role of Andros' worrysome girlfriend all the way through this little get-together. I even thought maybe she'd slip up and say something that couldn't be taken back. That would have been a great help to me, admittedly. I didn't want to be at this forever.
But as it turned out, behind those pretty eyes her mind was cranking like clockwork, trying to ponder a way out of this. She saw me as an enemy again. Automatically.
And she hid it very poorly, too. I noticed her trying to meet Carlos' eyes, and I nonchalantly shifted my body into her line of vision, smiling down at her. She swallowed and gave her best smile back to me. I held onto it for a moment, and then leisurely inhaled, shifting my weight so that I was leaning over her chair.
"I'd really hoped we could discuss this as friends, you know. After all, we've lived together for all these weeks... and I felt us growing rather close." I breathed, gratuitously playing the guilt card. "I thought the feeling was mutual. Thought we could talk about things."
Ashley didn't speak, she looked flustered.
I lingered my gaze on her honey-colored hair for a moment longer, then abruptly turned away from the entire table, my arms crossed. "I'm not going to hold any of you here against your will. You know why I'm not going to do that?"
No one responded.
"Because it'd be ridiculous! I weigh about 110 pounds! Any of you could take me!" I laughed, whirling back around energetically. "Oh, and let's not forget the fact that I'm not evil anymore. And people that aren't evil don't take hostages."
"Karone, we know you're not evil." Andros said, rationality dripping from his every syllable. He said it quietly, as if he were a hostage negotiator. It was then that I knew I'd crossed a line in his mind. Recrossed it, rather. I'd gone back to what he considered a delicate subject, ready to crack at any moment. Unstable, unpredictable. For all he knew, I could have them all in handcuffs.
It was an insulting thought. Hadn't I already proven my goodness to them before? Just because I was taking control of what I considered to be an unacceptable situation didn't mean my pure, snow-white soul had been polluted by the soot of evil.
I felt my brow furrowing beneath a strand of hair that had somehow come loose from the cute, pink barrettes I wore as a routine show of sweetness, and I slowly rounded the table until I was standing right behind Andros.
A few seats down, Ashley shifted in her seat and looked ready to jump to her feet. The thought amused me to no end.
Yes, Ashley. Make sure and prepare yourself to prevent the harm I'm sure to do to your beloved.
"You're absolutely correct. You do know I'm not evil. But that's not to discount the grand education I received while I *was* evil. I've learned to deal with almost any enemy in a timely and devastating manner. But that's rather irrelevant here, since none of us are enemies. Silly me." I resumed circling the table, breaking into a skip at times. "So, since we're all friends, why not relax a bit. We were having such a nice conversation before. I asked a simple question, and no one has answered me."
Cassie reached slowly to her clear glass of pop, and looking bemusedly at me the whole time, she took a short sip which nearly emptied the already half-empty (or is it half-full, Cassie?) glass.
"Like me to get you a refill, Cass? Since I'm up already." I offered.
She looked around the table, and a short giggle emerged from her lips. "No, I think everyone else would be more than happy to let me have theirs. You're not gonna drink that, are ya Carlos?"
He looked at her in disbelief. "Something like this going on, and you're worried about pop?!"
"Something like what? What, you guys can't tell me you're surprised that it came to this! You just put off telling her for this long, hoping what? That she'd forget? Christ, Andros, if you won't tell her, I will." She took Carlos' glass and drank from it, looking at me speculatively.
"I was not hoping she'd forget. You'd forget," He quickly said, kindly offering me the dignity of not being referred to in the third person. It was a surprising revelation, something from so long ago.
"Thank you." I said, looking both at him and Cassie. "Now we're talking. You don't seem so comatose anymore. Unfortunately, some of us still aren't offering much in the way of friendly conversation. TJ, what can you contribute to this?"
He shrugged, looking at the rest of the rangers. "I can't say much. I don't know where you'd like to begin."
"Well, let's see. First of all.. what happened to Zordon.. and who did it?"
He turned his gaze to me with a look that expressed somberness. "Zordon was destroyed. His energy tube was shattered."
"Shattered." I repeated, trying not to show the shock I felt inside. "How in the hell did that happen?"
He didn't speak for a moment, but I scarcely noticed. I imagined the worst-case scenario. A confrontation between Dark Specter and Zordon that didn't end well, perhaps? Who knew what happened after I joined the rangers. Dark Specter obviously had been furious about it, maybe it was a poorly-staged negotiation of some kind. Or just an act of rage. Or stupidity.
Not to mention... what on earth would become of the energy in that tube? We knew it was one of the greatest power sources in the galaxy. What could that much power do if it was loose?
And turning to the human, emotional standpoint.. what could the loss of Zordon of Eltar do to the infrastructure of the galaxy? He brought the Power Rangers together, defeated countless villains, was a mentor to millions of people.
It occurred to me that someone was speaking, very low and reluctant. I looked across the table and found that it was Andros. He was looking downward, his hair shielding his eyes in 2 sleek brown curtains that almost brushed against the table.
"I did it."
Ashley drew in a tearful-sounding gasp.
Surely this wasn't news to her, too! No.. because Cassie said she'd tell me. TJ began to tell me. Obviously Andros had confided in the other rangers. It was just Ashley's reaction to the way his voice had quivered as he spoke.
"You... you did it?" I asked quietly.
"Yes." He tilted his head upward and I saw that his eyes were brimming with tears and anger.
"Wh... I don't understand..." I said, feeling myself practically shrinking into the corner.
"Of course you don't understand. But you were there, Karone. You just don't remember it. You don't know how fortunate you are that you don't remember it."
"I was there?!" I cried, shaking my head. "What the hell happened?! Why did you--"
"BECAUSE I HAD TO!! I have a responsibility to the galaxy and no matter how much it hurt, I had to do it! I had no other choice!!" He jumped to his feet, his chair teetering precariously beneath him. "I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want it to hurt you the way it's hurt me, every day! Sometimes I can't even face myself when I think about you. How stupid I was to let you go back there. Whatever you did, however many people died, even Zordon's death, it's MY fault because I was a big enough jackass to let you go back there!! I was trying to rectify it! And I was glad to see that demon crumble to dust. It was the one consolation I had after seeing my mentor shatter beneath my sword. Knowing that he'd never corrupt you again was the one consolation I had!"
He spoke so fast, and so hysterically, that my head was spinning. In vain, I briskly shook it and blinked to try to make sense of what he'd said.
Ashley had gotten to her feet and tried to embrace him, but he shrugged her off, his hands clenched into fists. He inhaled and continued, his eyes drilling through me.
"Karone... sister.. do you really want to know the truth? I'll tell it to you. I will. I'll make good on my word.. but it'll hurt like hell. Do you understand that? It's gonna hurt like hell. It might hurt you worse than it's hurt me. Do you want to know? Honestly? You can live in the dark for the rest of your life, Karone. Wondering, all the wondering in the world... you can have it. You can draw your own conclusions, write your own story. I'm offering you that, Karone. We're going back to KO35, you can stay there, and in time you'll completely forget. You won't care anymore. You might even be glad that I did what I did, I don't know. You can turn a blank chapter into your life into salvation from knowing what I know. I'd give anything to not have had to see any of it.. and I'm offering that opportunity to you. Will you take it? Or do you still want to know the truth?"
I was stunned. Absolutely stunned. So much pouring out of my brother, all at once.. could the truth really be so horrible? So horrible as to reduce the greatest warrior in recent history to what I saw before me? Blubbering, practically begging me not to ask any more.. if it affected him that deeply, what would it do to me?
Shame poured over me. Selfish, stinging shame. How stupid was I? Did I really think that he was keeping the truth from me because of a selfish desire for control over me? Did I really think the brother that I loved and admired was that neurotic and possessive? I must have.. and this stupid show I'd put on just now... what was I trying to prove? What the hell did I think I was DOING?!
I'd been trying to get what was "rightfully mine"... but is anything ever "rightfully" anyone's? Is it anyone's right to know everything, even if knowing it destroys someone else's life? We're told that living in illusion is immature, childish, a sign of not being able to handle the truth. Humans like me labelled people who lived in an unreal scenario "mad". We call them delusional and lock them up. But what if they were faced with a situation like mine, and living in a fantasy was the only alternative to destroying someone else? Would I have any right to criticize someone who knowingly did such a thing?
But still...
***