He pulled away.
'Oh no. He's involved with someone. Or worse, he despises me. I never should have come.'
Afraid to look at his eyes, I look straight ahead at his chest
'Oh what that would look like without a shirt . . . NO! You are married. You shouldn't even be here! You kissed him! You betrayed Lucky! You are a horrible person! Why isn't he saying anything?'
I take a chance and look into his blue eyes.
"We can't do this." He says with regret in his voice.
"I'm married." I say, agreeing with him.
'Don't agree with him. You want him! You've wanted him for so long. Screw Lucky! He's not the person you fell in love with! Forget him. You deserve Jason!'
We are still really close. I can feel his breath gently in my hair.
'He is inches away but we are still worlds apart. I have to let go. I'm married. I'm surviving.'
"I need to let you go." I say, so unconvincing I do not even believe it myself.
I look up at his eyes again. The blue orbs filled with pain, regret, sorrow, and shame. But when you look deeper you can see that tiny flicker of hope, hope and love.
He is silent.
'I don't want to survive. I want to live. I want to be the person that I want to be not the one that everybody expects me to be. I'm tired. I'm frustrated.'
"I do not want to let you go." I say, this time looking him in the eyes.
The silence stays so I continue, "You always tell me to do what I want but I never listen. I always do what I think is appropriate or expected. I never listen to the little voice inside my head that doesn't care what people think, or Lucky thinks . . . that's the real me. But somewhere down the line I just stopped listening."
It was silent again. I hate the silence.
He broke in, "When I found you in here the other night I hardly recognized you. You've changed. There use to be this light in your eyes, Elizabeth. This beautiful light that I'd notice from across the room. But the other night, and now, I can hardly see that light. All I see is how sad you are. I left because you told me that Lucky made you happy and I accepted that. All I ever wanted was your happiness. But now I wish I never left. I wish I took you away from all this. Took you somewhere that allowed you to be who you wanted to be and let that light shine. Because that light is who you are."
"You are the reason my light shined, Jason. Lucky cannot be you."
'God! Say something, Jason! Please. Tell me how you feel. Please!'
"You're married to him. You have a life together." Jason said, with a blank expression.
'Don't try to hide your feelings from me, Jason. I thought that we were beyond that!'
"Not a life that I want to live. That night in the park, I choose wrong."
His eyes lit up for a moment but they faded just as quickly.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
'Shit! My cell phone! Of all the times it could ring!'
I dig into my purse and find it quickly.
"Elizabeth Spen---" I start to answer but a shiver runs down my spine.
'I'm Elizabeth Spencer. God! Why did I answer the phone like that in front of Jason? Do I want to rub in his face that fact that I'm married to Lucky? I wish that wasn't the case. I wish I was free to do what I wanted and had to answer to no one."
"Hey, honey. Where are you? Chloe called and said you ran off?" Lucky said on the other end of the line.
"Lucky . . ." I start to say, my gaze lingering on Jason. His eyes fall.
'What do I tell him? How do I tell him? Ugh! Just change the subject.'
"I just had a fight with Nikolas and Gia. I needed to get away. I'm fine."
"Yeah, I heard about the argument. Where are you? At home?"
"No, I'm not."
'Why does he want to know so badly? Does he suspect something?'
"Please tell me you're not at Sonny's." He said, his tone disapproving.
"No, I'm not at Sonny's . . ." I say, glancing at Jason again.
"Where are you?" He says, his tone a little more forceful.
'What do I say? I'm on my way home? My studio? If I do then he's gonna come over to pick me up. I cannot let him see Jason. But I do not want to hurt Jason. Ugh! What do I do?'
I steal another glance at Jason. He looks disappointed and tired.
"I'm busy Lucky, this can wait until I get home." I say, hopeful that it will shut him up.
"I asked my mom if I could take off and find you. I was worried when I heard from Chloe. I looked at Kelly's, other places, everywhere. Where are you?"
'Doesn't he trust me? Why does he have to go looking for me? I'm a grown woman, I can take care of myself. I do not need Lucky watching over me twenty four seven. I'm not going to break if he leaves me alone for one God Damn second! I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of this relationship. Why can't he just leave me alone!'
In my rage and frustration I blurted out, "I'm with Jason!"
He went silent.
I looked up at Jason to see his surprise and his worry. I anxiously twist the ring on my finger.
'He thinks he is the reason my marriage is ruined. He thinks he is the reason that Lucky is never gonna forgive me. But that's not it at all. I've been tired of this marriage for so long. I'm tired of dealing with Lucky day after day. I'm so tired of pretending to be someone that I'm not. Someone that I never wanted to be. He can take this ring and shove it up . . .'
I pull off the ring and I throw it at the door of the studio.
Looking up at Jason, "That ring symbolizes everything I hate in my life. It symbolizes this bond with this person that I cannot stand. It symbolizes the guilt that comes with being Lucky's girlfriend years after you gave up on your relationship. It symbolizes my pain and frustration with this marriage that was sour to begin with. A fairytale that ends in lies and betrayal and broken trust." I say in one breath, tears streaming that I didn't know I had.
I see his eyes penetrate mine and then glance at the phone in my hand. The one I forgot about in my rant.
'The phone is still on. Oh my God!'
I look down at the phone in my hands. The call timer on the phone still counting away but I dare not bring it to my ear. Then the timer stops. Lucky has hung up the phone. I don't even bother turning it off or placing it down, I just drop it.
'He knows. Everything I've wanted to tell him for so long, he knows.'
I look up at Jason, my eyes searching his for an answer to a question I haven't yet asked.
"What do I do?" I ask, my system still in shock.
No tears fall down my face. I do not fall to the floor in defeat. I just close my eyes.
'Oh no. He's involved with someone. Or worse, he despises me. I never should have come.'
Afraid to look at his eyes, I look straight ahead at his chest
'Oh what that would look like without a shirt . . . NO! You are married. You shouldn't even be here! You kissed him! You betrayed Lucky! You are a horrible person! Why isn't he saying anything?'
I take a chance and look into his blue eyes.
"We can't do this." He says with regret in his voice.
"I'm married." I say, agreeing with him.
'Don't agree with him. You want him! You've wanted him for so long. Screw Lucky! He's not the person you fell in love with! Forget him. You deserve Jason!'
We are still really close. I can feel his breath gently in my hair.
'He is inches away but we are still worlds apart. I have to let go. I'm married. I'm surviving.'
"I need to let you go." I say, so unconvincing I do not even believe it myself.
I look up at his eyes again. The blue orbs filled with pain, regret, sorrow, and shame. But when you look deeper you can see that tiny flicker of hope, hope and love.
He is silent.
'I don't want to survive. I want to live. I want to be the person that I want to be not the one that everybody expects me to be. I'm tired. I'm frustrated.'
"I do not want to let you go." I say, this time looking him in the eyes.
The silence stays so I continue, "You always tell me to do what I want but I never listen. I always do what I think is appropriate or expected. I never listen to the little voice inside my head that doesn't care what people think, or Lucky thinks . . . that's the real me. But somewhere down the line I just stopped listening."
It was silent again. I hate the silence.
He broke in, "When I found you in here the other night I hardly recognized you. You've changed. There use to be this light in your eyes, Elizabeth. This beautiful light that I'd notice from across the room. But the other night, and now, I can hardly see that light. All I see is how sad you are. I left because you told me that Lucky made you happy and I accepted that. All I ever wanted was your happiness. But now I wish I never left. I wish I took you away from all this. Took you somewhere that allowed you to be who you wanted to be and let that light shine. Because that light is who you are."
"You are the reason my light shined, Jason. Lucky cannot be you."
'God! Say something, Jason! Please. Tell me how you feel. Please!'
"You're married to him. You have a life together." Jason said, with a blank expression.
'Don't try to hide your feelings from me, Jason. I thought that we were beyond that!'
"Not a life that I want to live. That night in the park, I choose wrong."
His eyes lit up for a moment but they faded just as quickly.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
'Shit! My cell phone! Of all the times it could ring!'
I dig into my purse and find it quickly.
"Elizabeth Spen---" I start to answer but a shiver runs down my spine.
'I'm Elizabeth Spencer. God! Why did I answer the phone like that in front of Jason? Do I want to rub in his face that fact that I'm married to Lucky? I wish that wasn't the case. I wish I was free to do what I wanted and had to answer to no one."
"Hey, honey. Where are you? Chloe called and said you ran off?" Lucky said on the other end of the line.
"Lucky . . ." I start to say, my gaze lingering on Jason. His eyes fall.
'What do I tell him? How do I tell him? Ugh! Just change the subject.'
"I just had a fight with Nikolas and Gia. I needed to get away. I'm fine."
"Yeah, I heard about the argument. Where are you? At home?"
"No, I'm not."
'Why does he want to know so badly? Does he suspect something?'
"Please tell me you're not at Sonny's." He said, his tone disapproving.
"No, I'm not at Sonny's . . ." I say, glancing at Jason again.
"Where are you?" He says, his tone a little more forceful.
'What do I say? I'm on my way home? My studio? If I do then he's gonna come over to pick me up. I cannot let him see Jason. But I do not want to hurt Jason. Ugh! What do I do?'
I steal another glance at Jason. He looks disappointed and tired.
"I'm busy Lucky, this can wait until I get home." I say, hopeful that it will shut him up.
"I asked my mom if I could take off and find you. I was worried when I heard from Chloe. I looked at Kelly's, other places, everywhere. Where are you?"
'Doesn't he trust me? Why does he have to go looking for me? I'm a grown woman, I can take care of myself. I do not need Lucky watching over me twenty four seven. I'm not going to break if he leaves me alone for one God Damn second! I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of this relationship. Why can't he just leave me alone!'
In my rage and frustration I blurted out, "I'm with Jason!"
He went silent.
I looked up at Jason to see his surprise and his worry. I anxiously twist the ring on my finger.
'He thinks he is the reason my marriage is ruined. He thinks he is the reason that Lucky is never gonna forgive me. But that's not it at all. I've been tired of this marriage for so long. I'm tired of dealing with Lucky day after day. I'm so tired of pretending to be someone that I'm not. Someone that I never wanted to be. He can take this ring and shove it up . . .'
I pull off the ring and I throw it at the door of the studio.
Looking up at Jason, "That ring symbolizes everything I hate in my life. It symbolizes this bond with this person that I cannot stand. It symbolizes the guilt that comes with being Lucky's girlfriend years after you gave up on your relationship. It symbolizes my pain and frustration with this marriage that was sour to begin with. A fairytale that ends in lies and betrayal and broken trust." I say in one breath, tears streaming that I didn't know I had.
I see his eyes penetrate mine and then glance at the phone in my hand. The one I forgot about in my rant.
'The phone is still on. Oh my God!'
I look down at the phone in my hands. The call timer on the phone still counting away but I dare not bring it to my ear. Then the timer stops. Lucky has hung up the phone. I don't even bother turning it off or placing it down, I just drop it.
'He knows. Everything I've wanted to tell him for so long, he knows.'
I look up at Jason, my eyes searching his for an answer to a question I haven't yet asked.
"What do I do?" I ask, my system still in shock.
No tears fall down my face. I do not fall to the floor in defeat. I just close my eyes.