Chapter 16: Mirror Image
"You will watch this," Evil-Arnaya hissed through clenched teeth and dragged the young woman back towards the mirror. Long nails digged into Arnaya's flesh as she squirmed under her vice like grip trying to escape, but rage seemed to bestow her doppelganger with extra strength. She struggled desperately, but to no avail. Her twin grabbed her by the chin and forced her to face the mirror.
"Watch. Watch!" her commanding voice screamed into her ear.
"You cannot make me," Arnaya answered in a low voice that was full of venom.
Suddenly the angry expression disappeared from her doppelganger's face and made room to a triumphant grin. "You are right. I don't have to. The best part of this is that it is actually you who wants to watch. All of this appeals to the side of your personality that loves pain and suffering, doesn't it? Are you afraid to admit that you enjoy this just as much as I do?"
The young witch quickly averted her eyes. She felt a hot breath against her ear, "I was right after all, you see."
Arnaya stood there completely motionless for several seconds. All sorts of different scenarios were appearing before her mind's eye. Maybe Gandalf had cast a spell on her and her mother and now they were both slowly dieing. What she had seen through the mirror was only the desperate struggle against the inevitable. But would Gandalf simply kill them? Without hesitation? Without second thoughts?
What spoke against this assumption was the fact that she was now standing here, feeling not only well, but invigorated and refreshed. On the other hand who said that dieing always has to be accompanied by agonizing pain, an inner voice whispered to her. The human mind is a skilled illusionist. Maybe her senses were experiencing a heavy overload and now tricked her into believe that she was surprisingly well, while she was in reality slowly fading away.
The longer she stood there staring at the ground, the more intense became her fear. To her own surprise there was also something else that compelled her to look: curiosity. Taking one tiny little peak couldn't be wrong. She had to know, she simply had to.
Every muscle in her body was tense and her heart was beating frenetically inside her chest, but she forced herself to gaze into the mirror one more time. On the first look the situation hadn't changed much, but when she looked closer she made a terrifying discovery. As she had noticed before something about Sauda was changing and now it was clearly visible what it was. She was aging. It was a slow process, but it was undeniably happening.
White streaks started appearing in her hair and its raven color quickly disappeared as they extended further and further. Her smooth skin became as wrinkly as an autumn leaf. The strength drained from her body as the vigor of youth was replaced by the weakness of old age. Arnaya incredulously rubbed her eyes. Within minutes the once radiant young woman she knew as her mother, had aged beyond the point of recognition. She had become but a shadow of her former self.
"What is happening to her?" Arnaya asked with despair swinging in her voice.
"Her magical powers have been taken from her," her evil doppelganger informed her matter-of-factly.
Realization hit Arnaya like a ton of bricks. "Of course," her eyes had a distant look to them and were still focused on the mirror in front of her," she used them to rejuvenate herself and now that they are gone....Wait. Why are they gone?"
"Gandalf gave them to you," Evil-Arnaya answered with a huge grin on her face. "And that is the reason why we are here. With such enormous powers you need to chose a side."
Arnaya didn't register anything apart from her doppelganger's first words. The rest was just a faint mumble that went by unheard. She was staring ahead with a blank expression on her face. "Gave them to me....," she whispered to herself over and over again.
"Yes, he bloody gave them to you! I think we've got that part covered already," the other woman said with an angry hiss.
"Now, now, give her some space," Good-Arnaya finally decided to intervene.
"Will you never shut your trap? Besides I think you also want her to make her decision as fast as possible, so don't be such a hypocrite."
"What is all this talk about this infamous decision? There are more important things at hand. Mother could die!" Arnaya exclaimed, still visibly shaken by her recent discovery.
"She won't," Evil-Arnaya waved dismissively with her hand. "But if you want to check on her in person anytime soon, you might want to make your choice first."
"Fine," Arnaya crossed her arms over her chest. The old routine of suppressing her emotions kicked in and enabled her to face this situation with a relatively clear head. She looked at her two doppelgangers expectantly. "Let's just get this over with quickly," she said coolly.
"Are you sure?" Good-Arnaya asked hesitantly. Only after she had received a reaffirming nod from Arnaya she continued, "Very well. I will begin then."
"I know that you are ashamed of me," she paused and her eyes had a sad expression to them.
"All your life you tried so hard to appear tough, to not let your feelings show. You rarely allowed me to surface and suppressed me whenever you could, though my voice was always calling to you, being the loudest among all the others. Until recently I thought I would never get my chance, but then those people took you in, forgave you and accepted you. Only then you allowed me to guide you. Have you ever asked yourself what your life would have been like if we had always been treated respectfully? Raised with love and understanding?"
"I never thought that there was anything wrong with the way Sauda treated me. Not until she send me on that mission...Not until I met him."
"I know."
"He makes me want to change. I want to be a better person for him, but I fear no matter how much I'll try I'll never be good enough for him."
"By the Valar have you lost your mind? You feel sorry for yourself, because of some blond haired, blue eyed elf? Do you have no self-esteem, girl?" Evil-Arnaya rolled her eyes, pacing back and forth impatiently.
"Now is not your time to talk," the other doppelganger informed her calmly.
She turned back to Arnaya, "Just imagine what you could do with those powers. Help other people, safe lives, do good," her evil twin made an obscene gesture, but Good-Arnaya continue to talk unimpressed by it, "You would be somebody everybody would look up, respected and loved by many."
"You would always put the needs of other people first. Sometimes sacrifices will have to be made, some will be hard and you will regret them afterwards, but with time passing you will adjust yourself to it."
"What do you mean by sacrifices?" Arnaya asked curiously.
"Doing good means not being selfish and sometimes also denying yourself what you desire the most."
"Like being with somebody you love?" the young witch asked, her forehead in a contemplative frown.
"Yes," answered her doppelganger with a wistful smile on her lips. "You can't give your love to one person, you have to love every single being in this world without exceptions, so that you stay sensible to the needs of those around you. Your responsibility will be a huge burden for you, but I'm sure you will master this situation just perfectly after all we have been through. "
Arnaya stayed silent for a long while and all sorts of different emotions were playing over her face, but Evil-Arnaya didn't leave her any time for reflection. She brutally shoved the other doppelganger, who fell to the floor with a surprised yelp, out of her way and positioned herself right in front of Arnaya.
"Sorry, her time was up," she smirked.
"What can I say? We've certainly had a lot of fun together so far, didn't we?" her evil twin chuckled remembering the good old times, "Choosing my side would mean no more rules, absolute freedom. You can do whatever your heart desires. Don't be so narrow-minded as to imprint a label on the way of life I'm presenting to you! Good and evil are really nothing more than a matter of perspective."
"From her point of view," she pointed at Good-Arnaya who straightened her clothes that had been disarrayed by the fall," I'm the evil one, but what do you suppose I think of her?", she made a dramatic pause.
"Just imagine, if you chose her way you will always have to worry whether what you did was right or not. Love everybody in this world? Have you been outside lately? I can see how you can love a few people close to you, but not every single being on this planet. They are nothing to us, we don't know them. Why should we care?"
"If you want to be unhappy for all your life, deny yourself all those wonderful pleasures in this world, follow her, but what I offer to you is the opportunity to be carefree and enjoy yourself. If there is a ripe apple lying in front of you, ready to be tasted, to be devoured with greedy bites, wouldn't you want to eat it? It would be the most natural thing, like breathing."
"I know that you will make the right decision. My side was always the more appealing. Always, no matter what anybody tells you," she announced with a confidant grin, baring her teeth in the process, looking very much like a predator.
Arnaya shook her head and an amused smile flitted over her face. She had never thought herself to be this cocky. But as quickly as amusement came it disappeared again, when she remembered what situation she was currently in. She was expected to make a choice and she absolutely wanted it to be the right one.
She stared pacing the dark room, back and forth, back and forth. It was clearly visible that she had a hard time taking this decision, after all it would alter her way of life forever and her doppelgangers sensed without the need for words that it was better to wait in silence. Sometimes they saw her mutter to herself, stop walking for a few moments and then, after a while, reassume her old pattern. Time seemed to stretch on endlessly and as it went by, the outlines of Arnaya's decision got clearer and clearer. She doubted it, rethought it frequently, but finally had to realize that this was it. She had finally made up her mind and to her own surprise her decision made absolute and utterly complete sense.
The young witch stopped pacing and turned to her doppelgangers who watched her with unmasked curiosity. Evil-Arnaya tried to appear non-challent, but her sparkling eyes betrayed entirely how much she was interested in the outcome of Arnaya's considerations. Even her good doppelganger seemed to be seized by tense inquietude as her constantly tapping foot proved clearly.
"This will be difficult to explain," Arnaya took a deep breath, savoring the last seconds before her decision would be final, before the words she had already formulated in her mind would leave her lips, "I have come to realize that I don't want to live according to anybody else's rules but my one."
"This may sound a bit stupid as you both embody aspects of my personality, but......," she took a deep breath - this matter was more complicated than she would have expected, "but I chose neither the side of good nor the side of evil. Nobody can. I don't want to sacrifice my humanity, I still want to be me. I may not be perfect, but I will do my best to make amends, to prove myself and others that I can live up to my potential."
"I want passion in my life, I want to be a little bit selfish, I want to do good, I want happiness, but most importantly of all I want to live. I want to make my own mistakes and learn from them, I want to cry, laugh, despair and find new hope. I want all of these things and more. This time I will walk through this world with my eyes open and with a clear head."
To her utter surprise twin smiles appeared on both her doppelganger's faces as they announced in unison, "You made the right choice." Then their bodies disintegrated like the fickle manifestation of a ghost. First their outlines became blurry until they were reduced to a misty swirl of colors that slowly faded away. Arnaya was left starring at the mirror that was now clearly in view as her doppelgangers had disappeared.
She stepped closer and noticed with strange fascination that now her own reflection was smiling back at her from its smooth and polished surface. Arnaya stretched out her hand to touch the mirror glass and her fingers slipped right through it. It was like dipping your hand into the cool water of a lake, her skin tingled pleasantly and somehow she felt the undeniable urge to dive into this silvery pool with her whole body. After a few seconds of hesitation she finally gave in. She stepped forward and disappeared entirely inside the mirror.
"You will watch this," Evil-Arnaya hissed through clenched teeth and dragged the young woman back towards the mirror. Long nails digged into Arnaya's flesh as she squirmed under her vice like grip trying to escape, but rage seemed to bestow her doppelganger with extra strength. She struggled desperately, but to no avail. Her twin grabbed her by the chin and forced her to face the mirror.
"Watch. Watch!" her commanding voice screamed into her ear.
"You cannot make me," Arnaya answered in a low voice that was full of venom.
Suddenly the angry expression disappeared from her doppelganger's face and made room to a triumphant grin. "You are right. I don't have to. The best part of this is that it is actually you who wants to watch. All of this appeals to the side of your personality that loves pain and suffering, doesn't it? Are you afraid to admit that you enjoy this just as much as I do?"
The young witch quickly averted her eyes. She felt a hot breath against her ear, "I was right after all, you see."
Arnaya stood there completely motionless for several seconds. All sorts of different scenarios were appearing before her mind's eye. Maybe Gandalf had cast a spell on her and her mother and now they were both slowly dieing. What she had seen through the mirror was only the desperate struggle against the inevitable. But would Gandalf simply kill them? Without hesitation? Without second thoughts?
What spoke against this assumption was the fact that she was now standing here, feeling not only well, but invigorated and refreshed. On the other hand who said that dieing always has to be accompanied by agonizing pain, an inner voice whispered to her. The human mind is a skilled illusionist. Maybe her senses were experiencing a heavy overload and now tricked her into believe that she was surprisingly well, while she was in reality slowly fading away.
The longer she stood there staring at the ground, the more intense became her fear. To her own surprise there was also something else that compelled her to look: curiosity. Taking one tiny little peak couldn't be wrong. She had to know, she simply had to.
Every muscle in her body was tense and her heart was beating frenetically inside her chest, but she forced herself to gaze into the mirror one more time. On the first look the situation hadn't changed much, but when she looked closer she made a terrifying discovery. As she had noticed before something about Sauda was changing and now it was clearly visible what it was. She was aging. It was a slow process, but it was undeniably happening.
White streaks started appearing in her hair and its raven color quickly disappeared as they extended further and further. Her smooth skin became as wrinkly as an autumn leaf. The strength drained from her body as the vigor of youth was replaced by the weakness of old age. Arnaya incredulously rubbed her eyes. Within minutes the once radiant young woman she knew as her mother, had aged beyond the point of recognition. She had become but a shadow of her former self.
"What is happening to her?" Arnaya asked with despair swinging in her voice.
"Her magical powers have been taken from her," her evil doppelganger informed her matter-of-factly.
Realization hit Arnaya like a ton of bricks. "Of course," her eyes had a distant look to them and were still focused on the mirror in front of her," she used them to rejuvenate herself and now that they are gone....Wait. Why are they gone?"
"Gandalf gave them to you," Evil-Arnaya answered with a huge grin on her face. "And that is the reason why we are here. With such enormous powers you need to chose a side."
Arnaya didn't register anything apart from her doppelganger's first words. The rest was just a faint mumble that went by unheard. She was staring ahead with a blank expression on her face. "Gave them to me....," she whispered to herself over and over again.
"Yes, he bloody gave them to you! I think we've got that part covered already," the other woman said with an angry hiss.
"Now, now, give her some space," Good-Arnaya finally decided to intervene.
"Will you never shut your trap? Besides I think you also want her to make her decision as fast as possible, so don't be such a hypocrite."
"What is all this talk about this infamous decision? There are more important things at hand. Mother could die!" Arnaya exclaimed, still visibly shaken by her recent discovery.
"She won't," Evil-Arnaya waved dismissively with her hand. "But if you want to check on her in person anytime soon, you might want to make your choice first."
"Fine," Arnaya crossed her arms over her chest. The old routine of suppressing her emotions kicked in and enabled her to face this situation with a relatively clear head. She looked at her two doppelgangers expectantly. "Let's just get this over with quickly," she said coolly.
"Are you sure?" Good-Arnaya asked hesitantly. Only after she had received a reaffirming nod from Arnaya she continued, "Very well. I will begin then."
"I know that you are ashamed of me," she paused and her eyes had a sad expression to them.
"All your life you tried so hard to appear tough, to not let your feelings show. You rarely allowed me to surface and suppressed me whenever you could, though my voice was always calling to you, being the loudest among all the others. Until recently I thought I would never get my chance, but then those people took you in, forgave you and accepted you. Only then you allowed me to guide you. Have you ever asked yourself what your life would have been like if we had always been treated respectfully? Raised with love and understanding?"
"I never thought that there was anything wrong with the way Sauda treated me. Not until she send me on that mission...Not until I met him."
"I know."
"He makes me want to change. I want to be a better person for him, but I fear no matter how much I'll try I'll never be good enough for him."
"By the Valar have you lost your mind? You feel sorry for yourself, because of some blond haired, blue eyed elf? Do you have no self-esteem, girl?" Evil-Arnaya rolled her eyes, pacing back and forth impatiently.
"Now is not your time to talk," the other doppelganger informed her calmly.
She turned back to Arnaya, "Just imagine what you could do with those powers. Help other people, safe lives, do good," her evil twin made an obscene gesture, but Good-Arnaya continue to talk unimpressed by it, "You would be somebody everybody would look up, respected and loved by many."
"You would always put the needs of other people first. Sometimes sacrifices will have to be made, some will be hard and you will regret them afterwards, but with time passing you will adjust yourself to it."
"What do you mean by sacrifices?" Arnaya asked curiously.
"Doing good means not being selfish and sometimes also denying yourself what you desire the most."
"Like being with somebody you love?" the young witch asked, her forehead in a contemplative frown.
"Yes," answered her doppelganger with a wistful smile on her lips. "You can't give your love to one person, you have to love every single being in this world without exceptions, so that you stay sensible to the needs of those around you. Your responsibility will be a huge burden for you, but I'm sure you will master this situation just perfectly after all we have been through. "
Arnaya stayed silent for a long while and all sorts of different emotions were playing over her face, but Evil-Arnaya didn't leave her any time for reflection. She brutally shoved the other doppelganger, who fell to the floor with a surprised yelp, out of her way and positioned herself right in front of Arnaya.
"Sorry, her time was up," she smirked.
"What can I say? We've certainly had a lot of fun together so far, didn't we?" her evil twin chuckled remembering the good old times, "Choosing my side would mean no more rules, absolute freedom. You can do whatever your heart desires. Don't be so narrow-minded as to imprint a label on the way of life I'm presenting to you! Good and evil are really nothing more than a matter of perspective."
"From her point of view," she pointed at Good-Arnaya who straightened her clothes that had been disarrayed by the fall," I'm the evil one, but what do you suppose I think of her?", she made a dramatic pause.
"Just imagine, if you chose her way you will always have to worry whether what you did was right or not. Love everybody in this world? Have you been outside lately? I can see how you can love a few people close to you, but not every single being on this planet. They are nothing to us, we don't know them. Why should we care?"
"If you want to be unhappy for all your life, deny yourself all those wonderful pleasures in this world, follow her, but what I offer to you is the opportunity to be carefree and enjoy yourself. If there is a ripe apple lying in front of you, ready to be tasted, to be devoured with greedy bites, wouldn't you want to eat it? It would be the most natural thing, like breathing."
"I know that you will make the right decision. My side was always the more appealing. Always, no matter what anybody tells you," she announced with a confidant grin, baring her teeth in the process, looking very much like a predator.
Arnaya shook her head and an amused smile flitted over her face. She had never thought herself to be this cocky. But as quickly as amusement came it disappeared again, when she remembered what situation she was currently in. She was expected to make a choice and she absolutely wanted it to be the right one.
She stared pacing the dark room, back and forth, back and forth. It was clearly visible that she had a hard time taking this decision, after all it would alter her way of life forever and her doppelgangers sensed without the need for words that it was better to wait in silence. Sometimes they saw her mutter to herself, stop walking for a few moments and then, after a while, reassume her old pattern. Time seemed to stretch on endlessly and as it went by, the outlines of Arnaya's decision got clearer and clearer. She doubted it, rethought it frequently, but finally had to realize that this was it. She had finally made up her mind and to her own surprise her decision made absolute and utterly complete sense.
The young witch stopped pacing and turned to her doppelgangers who watched her with unmasked curiosity. Evil-Arnaya tried to appear non-challent, but her sparkling eyes betrayed entirely how much she was interested in the outcome of Arnaya's considerations. Even her good doppelganger seemed to be seized by tense inquietude as her constantly tapping foot proved clearly.
"This will be difficult to explain," Arnaya took a deep breath, savoring the last seconds before her decision would be final, before the words she had already formulated in her mind would leave her lips, "I have come to realize that I don't want to live according to anybody else's rules but my one."
"This may sound a bit stupid as you both embody aspects of my personality, but......," she took a deep breath - this matter was more complicated than she would have expected, "but I chose neither the side of good nor the side of evil. Nobody can. I don't want to sacrifice my humanity, I still want to be me. I may not be perfect, but I will do my best to make amends, to prove myself and others that I can live up to my potential."
"I want passion in my life, I want to be a little bit selfish, I want to do good, I want happiness, but most importantly of all I want to live. I want to make my own mistakes and learn from them, I want to cry, laugh, despair and find new hope. I want all of these things and more. This time I will walk through this world with my eyes open and with a clear head."
To her utter surprise twin smiles appeared on both her doppelganger's faces as they announced in unison, "You made the right choice." Then their bodies disintegrated like the fickle manifestation of a ghost. First their outlines became blurry until they were reduced to a misty swirl of colors that slowly faded away. Arnaya was left starring at the mirror that was now clearly in view as her doppelgangers had disappeared.
She stepped closer and noticed with strange fascination that now her own reflection was smiling back at her from its smooth and polished surface. Arnaya stretched out her hand to touch the mirror glass and her fingers slipped right through it. It was like dipping your hand into the cool water of a lake, her skin tingled pleasantly and somehow she felt the undeniable urge to dive into this silvery pool with her whole body. After a few seconds of hesitation she finally gave in. She stepped forward and disappeared entirely inside the mirror.