Author's note: So once again I find myself writing the diary of the oldest
sixteen year old in the world. Not one of my better efforts, but it was an
entry I had to write in order to go on to other things, and I'm saving some
for Entry Five.
I think my previous disclaimer summed it up, but I don't own any Harry Potter characters; I'm just helping them break out of their shells a little...Also (and the necessity of this will become clear upon reading this) I'm not homophobic, don't want to be, and neither is Nat since she certainly seems to like Adrian Pucey...
This entry is dedicated to Shewhodares for all her reviews. And everyone else who read it, well, I hope you all enjoyed the very naked Oliver Wood in its precessor.
# # # # # # # # #
Entry Four: I wanna be sedated
Poor Natalia. Less than a week at Hogwarts and she's already attempting to jump out of windows..
7:12 PM, September 6th
Imagine what you would feel like if all of a sudden you got sucked into a "Where's Waldo?" book, and every single Waldo was dating Oliver Wood. Or at least blindly convinced that they were.
That was my day.
By the time three oclock rolled around, was breaking out in sweats and babbling on about pink Hippogriffs.
My guardian angel Roger had to escourt me to Snape's office, which took forever since had to avoid all the popular halls (the ones that don't have knights that wolf-whistle and slap your arse as you walk past) and go the long way. This was because every time we encountered a Gryffindor girl in her teens, I would start hyperventilating and screaming, "Mary Sue! Mary Sue!"
Roger said I would get used to it eventually.
All went well until Roger decided to take a "very" misguided short cut through the library. Nervously pointed out that they'd be people there, especially Hufflepuffs, but Roger was undetered. "Don't worry," he assured me. "Gryffindors never come to the library. They're too busy saving the free world and having Harry Potter and telling everyone about how they have Harry Potter. It's practically our second home."
At first all was well. Nothing but Ravenclaws discussing Quantum Theory and Hufflepuffs industriously trying to prove that a good work ethic can make up for a significant lack in natural intelligence and failing miserably.
Then I saw HER.
She was sitting in the Transfiguration corner of the library with her bushy brown head bent over a copy of "Herbology and Lobotomy in the 18th Century" that I had struggled through in my third year. And she was wearing a GRYFFINDOR scarf.
"R-Roger?" I squeaked, clawing desperately at the sleeve of his woolen sweater. "A M-M-Mary Sue...A MARY SUE! A MARY SUE!"
The frightful sight raised her head and looked at me in a level, haughty manner. "My name is "not" Mary Sue," she said in a toffeeish, la-de-da accent. "I am called Hermione."
"They've started taking on new forms!" I wailed, burrowing further into Roger's arms. "It's like how a virus eventually develops new strains to beat the medication! We'll NEVER be rid of them!"
"Nat, please calm down," he said, trying to lead me out of the library, which was easier said than done since kept walking on his toes in frensied effort to get away from this new destructive breed of Mary Sue. "It's only Hermione Granger. She's a friend of Harry Potter's."
"A FRIEND OF HARRY POTTER'S?" I screamed hysterically. "THEY'RE ALL FRIENDS OF HARRY POTTER'S!" Tore out of his grasp and ran blindly towards the massive stained window at the end of the room, thinking only (and I mean only) to escape all Mary Sues forever.
At this point Roger had no choice but to administer the freeze curse.
At this point (given what earlier portion of day had been like, and thus following a trend), Adrian Pucey also had to walk in.
"Effing Merlin," he sad, spotting me lying rigid on the floor, "is that what happens to hot birds after a week with you Ravenclaw blokes? They freeze up?"
"Stop being a wise-arse and help me get her to Snape's," Roger scowled at him.
"Righto," Adrian said. He took my arms, Roger took my legs, and they both hoisted me up and carried me out of the library. Would have quite enjoyed the experience if had not been frosen and therefore completely devoid of all sensation.
Snape was grumpy bastard when Adrian and Roger first arrived carrying me into his office, but upon learning that my affliction was Gryffindor- caused, became quite sympathetic and understanding. Heated up a mug of Butterbeer for me and gave me a small cauldron of sleeping potion to drink later.
7:26 PM
Not sure exactly what's in cauldron, but am considering adopting it. Or slipping it down the back of Penelope Clearwater's shirt.
Really should steal her boyfriend.
Oh well, here goes.
Cheers *chug* *chug*...
7:54 PM
Hmm, sleeping potion doesn't seem to be working. Maybe instead of gradually taking hold (like an infatuation with your best friend), it sort of kicks in all of a sudden, without any transitional sentence or warning...
7:55 PM
Ahhh loshk, lurvvely pinsh Hippshogriffs *plonk* Zzzz.
# # # # # # # # #
9:19 AM, September 9th
During Transfiguration McGonagall told me to go visit her sugar daddy, Albus Dumbledore (henceforth to be known as Doublebore). Even told me to not worry about making up pop quiz. Penelope must be very relieved as now miss out chance to catch up to her in class rankings. That heifer. Must remember to steal her boyfriend.
Oh shite, the principal's office. Hope this isn't about this Saturday, when I went to Hogsmeades and can't remember anything but woke up with stamps saying such things as "The Frisky Wand" and "The Groovy Cauldron" all over my arm.
9:21 AM
Is it just me or does "The Frisky Wand" sound like a gay bar?
What the hell was I doing in a gay bar?
9:34 AM
Hmm, password to Doublebore's office is "Tutti-Fruit." Suspect the sumptuous Slytherin that is Adrian Pucey is not only one with alternative leanings in this school. Must be that cold British weather and (if Clearwater is anything to go by) even colder women. Guess better try to make like a missionary and convert some of them if I am to maintain sanity over next three years.
9:36 AM
Verdict: Doublebore looks like Father Christmas let loose in the whoopee- weed.
Has eyebrows like giant white caterpillars and robes that resemble a hippie's nightgown gone wrong. And as for his hair, can't bear to mention his hair. Actually, if said "bear" with great shaggy beast in mind (no, not Hagrid), would be close to him. Or Hagrid. "Ah, Miss Adani," he breathes, "take a seat."
"Take" a seat? Hmm. Lucky I'm not a kleptomaniac, but can't expect everyone to have my foresight. Sit down graciously anyway, preparing to commence Natalia's How To Convince Gullible Adults I'm Perfect And Charming (But Not Boring And Ugly Like Penelope) 1001.
Doublebore stared at me over the top of his glasses and under the rim of those giant caterpillars. "The reason why I asked you here, Natalia, is to ask how well you are settling in to your new school."
So this was all he wanted? Terrific. Thing with adults in positions of authority is that have better things to do than be bothered with us (or at least think they do, being blind to my complete fabulousness), so best course of action is to tell them what they want to hear, and they'll choose to take it at face value and not dig any further. "Oh, it's great here," I enthused. "My Ravenclaw housemates are such an interesting group and the Slytherins have been soooo nice and friendly."
Okay, maybe that last bit was pushing it.
"Then why, Natalia, on Friday afternoon, were you seen attempting to jump out of the library windows?"
Oh HELL.
"Well, you see, Professor-" I stammered.
"Please, call me Albus," he requested with a wave of his hand.
He's requesting first name terms. Oh shit, Natalia, you're in deep."Well, you see, um, Albus, thing is I wasn't trying to off myself-"
"I never suggested that was what you were doing, Natalia," he says smoothly. "You did."
FuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckFARRRKKK! "I was just trying to escape from the Mary Sues."
"Death is not the answer to our lives problems, Natalia."
"I just didn't know that they came to this school and I was surprised by exactly how popular this destination was with them," I protested. "I just saw one-"
"Which turned out to be Hermione Granger, a dear second year girl who is not particularly the stuff of nightmares. Hallucinating is not the sign of a stable mind, Natalia."
Look, I'm not exactly gone to the point where I'm in danger of forgetting my own name, Mister. With you uttering it every ten second, I don't really have the opportunity. And as for Hermione "not" being the stuff of nightmares, well, has he taken a good look at her hair recently?
"Well, at the time I thought she was a Mary Sue, so if you consider that in weighing up my actions, "Albus" (touché), I'm sure that they will make a lot more sense. I just wanted to get away. I wasn't even thinking of being hurt."
"It never occurred to you that leaping through a glass window ten stories from the ground would cause any long term damage?" Doublebore blinked.
On paper, I guess it does sound pretty bad. "Ask Roger Davies," I said desperately. "He was with me. He'll tell you that's all I was doing." Then, because it is the magic word that seems to make everything better with adults, "He's a PREFECT."
"Ahh, Mister Davies." A faint smile crossed Doublebore's lips. "That was another matter on which I wish to speak to about."
Is this about Saturday night?
"As you may well know," Doublebore began, "since you and Mister Davies appear to be very close-"
Oh shit, it "is" about Saturday night.
"-Mister Davies is the captain of your house Quidditch team," continued Doublebore.
Quidditch? What in Merlin does this have to do with Quidditch?
"Now, in lieu of your alarming behaviour yesterday afternoon, it was suggested to me that you be removed from anything that could cause you to do injury to yourself."
Hell, he wasn't "that" rough with me! Was he "with me" at all? Damn Butterbeer to hell.
"However, Mister Davies strenuously pleaded your case with me, and Snape also concurred that you were unlikely to do a repeat performance. Therefore, I have decided to allow you to continue with Quidditch."
I blinked.
"My only condition is that you will take a mild anti-depressant potion that Madame Pomfrey has prepared for you before each practice and game," Doublebore continued. "We only want you to be happy and well. And, Natalia," cue grandfatherly smile, "nothing is ever that bad."
Hermione's hair is.
Merlin, I hate adults who actually care.
10:09 AM
Arrived back from the lair of the Mary-Jane (or should it be called Mary Sue here?) smoking guru in Dementor-terrifying mood. Even the Knights in the fifth floor hallway neglected to grab my arse.
However, it is very hard to stay mad in the realm of Gryffindor loathers.
10:27 AM
Mmm, Snape's class. I'm in love! That voice, those dark eyes (well, couldn't really pick any other feature since the rest are affected by obvious lack of personal hygiene), that loathing we share of all things Gryffindor..ahhh. And (sigh) he pronounces my name Nar-Tarl-LEE-Ah, not Natal-Liar. And he gave that dumb bottle blonde cow Katie Bell (moo moo) a detention today.
Love Snape.
10:28 AM
Oh shite. That means she'll be sharing detention with meeeeee...
Hate Snape.
I think my previous disclaimer summed it up, but I don't own any Harry Potter characters; I'm just helping them break out of their shells a little...Also (and the necessity of this will become clear upon reading this) I'm not homophobic, don't want to be, and neither is Nat since she certainly seems to like Adrian Pucey...
This entry is dedicated to Shewhodares for all her reviews. And everyone else who read it, well, I hope you all enjoyed the very naked Oliver Wood in its precessor.
# # # # # # # # #
Entry Four: I wanna be sedated
Poor Natalia. Less than a week at Hogwarts and she's already attempting to jump out of windows..
7:12 PM, September 6th
Imagine what you would feel like if all of a sudden you got sucked into a "Where's Waldo?" book, and every single Waldo was dating Oliver Wood. Or at least blindly convinced that they were.
That was my day.
By the time three oclock rolled around, was breaking out in sweats and babbling on about pink Hippogriffs.
My guardian angel Roger had to escourt me to Snape's office, which took forever since had to avoid all the popular halls (the ones that don't have knights that wolf-whistle and slap your arse as you walk past) and go the long way. This was because every time we encountered a Gryffindor girl in her teens, I would start hyperventilating and screaming, "Mary Sue! Mary Sue!"
Roger said I would get used to it eventually.
All went well until Roger decided to take a "very" misguided short cut through the library. Nervously pointed out that they'd be people there, especially Hufflepuffs, but Roger was undetered. "Don't worry," he assured me. "Gryffindors never come to the library. They're too busy saving the free world and having Harry Potter and telling everyone about how they have Harry Potter. It's practically our second home."
At first all was well. Nothing but Ravenclaws discussing Quantum Theory and Hufflepuffs industriously trying to prove that a good work ethic can make up for a significant lack in natural intelligence and failing miserably.
Then I saw HER.
She was sitting in the Transfiguration corner of the library with her bushy brown head bent over a copy of "Herbology and Lobotomy in the 18th Century" that I had struggled through in my third year. And she was wearing a GRYFFINDOR scarf.
"R-Roger?" I squeaked, clawing desperately at the sleeve of his woolen sweater. "A M-M-Mary Sue...A MARY SUE! A MARY SUE!"
The frightful sight raised her head and looked at me in a level, haughty manner. "My name is "not" Mary Sue," she said in a toffeeish, la-de-da accent. "I am called Hermione."
"They've started taking on new forms!" I wailed, burrowing further into Roger's arms. "It's like how a virus eventually develops new strains to beat the medication! We'll NEVER be rid of them!"
"Nat, please calm down," he said, trying to lead me out of the library, which was easier said than done since kept walking on his toes in frensied effort to get away from this new destructive breed of Mary Sue. "It's only Hermione Granger. She's a friend of Harry Potter's."
"A FRIEND OF HARRY POTTER'S?" I screamed hysterically. "THEY'RE ALL FRIENDS OF HARRY POTTER'S!" Tore out of his grasp and ran blindly towards the massive stained window at the end of the room, thinking only (and I mean only) to escape all Mary Sues forever.
At this point Roger had no choice but to administer the freeze curse.
At this point (given what earlier portion of day had been like, and thus following a trend), Adrian Pucey also had to walk in.
"Effing Merlin," he sad, spotting me lying rigid on the floor, "is that what happens to hot birds after a week with you Ravenclaw blokes? They freeze up?"
"Stop being a wise-arse and help me get her to Snape's," Roger scowled at him.
"Righto," Adrian said. He took my arms, Roger took my legs, and they both hoisted me up and carried me out of the library. Would have quite enjoyed the experience if had not been frosen and therefore completely devoid of all sensation.
Snape was grumpy bastard when Adrian and Roger first arrived carrying me into his office, but upon learning that my affliction was Gryffindor- caused, became quite sympathetic and understanding. Heated up a mug of Butterbeer for me and gave me a small cauldron of sleeping potion to drink later.
7:26 PM
Not sure exactly what's in cauldron, but am considering adopting it. Or slipping it down the back of Penelope Clearwater's shirt.
Really should steal her boyfriend.
Oh well, here goes.
Cheers *chug* *chug*...
7:54 PM
Hmm, sleeping potion doesn't seem to be working. Maybe instead of gradually taking hold (like an infatuation with your best friend), it sort of kicks in all of a sudden, without any transitional sentence or warning...
7:55 PM
Ahhh loshk, lurvvely pinsh Hippshogriffs *plonk* Zzzz.
# # # # # # # # #
9:19 AM, September 9th
During Transfiguration McGonagall told me to go visit her sugar daddy, Albus Dumbledore (henceforth to be known as Doublebore). Even told me to not worry about making up pop quiz. Penelope must be very relieved as now miss out chance to catch up to her in class rankings. That heifer. Must remember to steal her boyfriend.
Oh shite, the principal's office. Hope this isn't about this Saturday, when I went to Hogsmeades and can't remember anything but woke up with stamps saying such things as "The Frisky Wand" and "The Groovy Cauldron" all over my arm.
9:21 AM
Is it just me or does "The Frisky Wand" sound like a gay bar?
What the hell was I doing in a gay bar?
9:34 AM
Hmm, password to Doublebore's office is "Tutti-Fruit." Suspect the sumptuous Slytherin that is Adrian Pucey is not only one with alternative leanings in this school. Must be that cold British weather and (if Clearwater is anything to go by) even colder women. Guess better try to make like a missionary and convert some of them if I am to maintain sanity over next three years.
9:36 AM
Verdict: Doublebore looks like Father Christmas let loose in the whoopee- weed.
Has eyebrows like giant white caterpillars and robes that resemble a hippie's nightgown gone wrong. And as for his hair, can't bear to mention his hair. Actually, if said "bear" with great shaggy beast in mind (no, not Hagrid), would be close to him. Or Hagrid. "Ah, Miss Adani," he breathes, "take a seat."
"Take" a seat? Hmm. Lucky I'm not a kleptomaniac, but can't expect everyone to have my foresight. Sit down graciously anyway, preparing to commence Natalia's How To Convince Gullible Adults I'm Perfect And Charming (But Not Boring And Ugly Like Penelope) 1001.
Doublebore stared at me over the top of his glasses and under the rim of those giant caterpillars. "The reason why I asked you here, Natalia, is to ask how well you are settling in to your new school."
So this was all he wanted? Terrific. Thing with adults in positions of authority is that have better things to do than be bothered with us (or at least think they do, being blind to my complete fabulousness), so best course of action is to tell them what they want to hear, and they'll choose to take it at face value and not dig any further. "Oh, it's great here," I enthused. "My Ravenclaw housemates are such an interesting group and the Slytherins have been soooo nice and friendly."
Okay, maybe that last bit was pushing it.
"Then why, Natalia, on Friday afternoon, were you seen attempting to jump out of the library windows?"
Oh HELL.
"Well, you see, Professor-" I stammered.
"Please, call me Albus," he requested with a wave of his hand.
He's requesting first name terms. Oh shit, Natalia, you're in deep."Well, you see, um, Albus, thing is I wasn't trying to off myself-"
"I never suggested that was what you were doing, Natalia," he says smoothly. "You did."
FuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckFARRRKKK! "I was just trying to escape from the Mary Sues."
"Death is not the answer to our lives problems, Natalia."
"I just didn't know that they came to this school and I was surprised by exactly how popular this destination was with them," I protested. "I just saw one-"
"Which turned out to be Hermione Granger, a dear second year girl who is not particularly the stuff of nightmares. Hallucinating is not the sign of a stable mind, Natalia."
Look, I'm not exactly gone to the point where I'm in danger of forgetting my own name, Mister. With you uttering it every ten second, I don't really have the opportunity. And as for Hermione "not" being the stuff of nightmares, well, has he taken a good look at her hair recently?
"Well, at the time I thought she was a Mary Sue, so if you consider that in weighing up my actions, "Albus" (touché), I'm sure that they will make a lot more sense. I just wanted to get away. I wasn't even thinking of being hurt."
"It never occurred to you that leaping through a glass window ten stories from the ground would cause any long term damage?" Doublebore blinked.
On paper, I guess it does sound pretty bad. "Ask Roger Davies," I said desperately. "He was with me. He'll tell you that's all I was doing." Then, because it is the magic word that seems to make everything better with adults, "He's a PREFECT."
"Ahh, Mister Davies." A faint smile crossed Doublebore's lips. "That was another matter on which I wish to speak to about."
Is this about Saturday night?
"As you may well know," Doublebore began, "since you and Mister Davies appear to be very close-"
Oh shit, it "is" about Saturday night.
"-Mister Davies is the captain of your house Quidditch team," continued Doublebore.
Quidditch? What in Merlin does this have to do with Quidditch?
"Now, in lieu of your alarming behaviour yesterday afternoon, it was suggested to me that you be removed from anything that could cause you to do injury to yourself."
Hell, he wasn't "that" rough with me! Was he "with me" at all? Damn Butterbeer to hell.
"However, Mister Davies strenuously pleaded your case with me, and Snape also concurred that you were unlikely to do a repeat performance. Therefore, I have decided to allow you to continue with Quidditch."
I blinked.
"My only condition is that you will take a mild anti-depressant potion that Madame Pomfrey has prepared for you before each practice and game," Doublebore continued. "We only want you to be happy and well. And, Natalia," cue grandfatherly smile, "nothing is ever that bad."
Hermione's hair is.
Merlin, I hate adults who actually care.
10:09 AM
Arrived back from the lair of the Mary-Jane (or should it be called Mary Sue here?) smoking guru in Dementor-terrifying mood. Even the Knights in the fifth floor hallway neglected to grab my arse.
However, it is very hard to stay mad in the realm of Gryffindor loathers.
10:27 AM
Mmm, Snape's class. I'm in love! That voice, those dark eyes (well, couldn't really pick any other feature since the rest are affected by obvious lack of personal hygiene), that loathing we share of all things Gryffindor..ahhh. And (sigh) he pronounces my name Nar-Tarl-LEE-Ah, not Natal-Liar. And he gave that dumb bottle blonde cow Katie Bell (moo moo) a detention today.
Love Snape.
10:28 AM
Oh shite. That means she'll be sharing detention with meeeeee...
Hate Snape.