Author's Note: So sorry I took so long to get this up, which I credit to a
combination of exam stress and excitement about my new fic, which details
Arthur and Molly Weasley's courtship. I was short of ideas when I started
this entry and was going to combine the Gryffindor-Hufflepuff game and the
Ravenclaw-Slytherin game entries, but then I got some good ideas and this
one just wrote itself. Got to love it when that happens.
I also must introduce "Natalia Adani and the Boys of Hogwarts" baby sister fic, "Poppy Skeeter's Very Secret Diary." It basically features Rita Skeeter's daughter (don't you already feel sorry for the poor girl) and her diary of her time at Hogwarts. As I write this the first two entries are up and it promises to be very good! It's on my "Favourite Stories" page if you want to check it out.
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Entry Sixteen: Oh Cedar, My Cedar
11:16 PM, October 18th
Two mid-terms down. Five to go. One assignment to make up. Four hours of sleep last night. Male friend wants to be more than a male friend. I have a headache (this and the preceding sentence are in no way connected). House Elves just ran out of regular coke. That is basically a summary of my life right now and why I have neglected this poor, little, sordid thing known as my diary for so long. Clearhead has been singing Beatles song "With a Little Help from My Friends" all evening, hence the headache.
I could do with a bit less help from "my" friend right now.
Okay, this is how it went down. 1:47 AM last night (technically this morning, should I be in Hufflepuff or what?): Bombardino hates me. 1:48 AM last night: Yup, Bombardino still hates me. 1:52 AM last night: Bombardino wants to have mad, passionate Italian sex with me. And let me tell you, there is no sex like Italian sex. Especially if it's mad. And passionate. But I digress. Wait, you'd rather hear about mad, passionate Italian sex? That's your problem, you sick bastard. And it's my diary too, you know. Actually, I don't even know why I'm sharing it with you. Go away and read Cho's.
Okay, so maybe I don't blame you for being in mine...
Anyway, was lying in bed doing some light reading (or reminiscing, since was copy of Karma Sultra) when he comes charging in, panting, "Ti desidero! Spogliati!"
Now this shows how smart (or jumped up - they both mean the same to me) we Italians are. Instead of having to use four stinking words to ask (or demand) someone to take their clothes off, we have just one. "Spogliati." And let's face, there are times when you don't even want to wait to say "that."
Rest of conversation continued in Italian, but even though technically this is "my" diary, I will translate it into English since I am a very giving person - but I expect something in return. Like foot massages.
N: Wha'?
B: I said I wanted you! So take off your clothes.
N: *4#@&%#**))&%##^*)(@$?????
B: Come on, Natalia. Let's show these boring English people how it's really done!
N: Um, judging by the amount of offspring they have, I'd say the Weasleys at least know how it's really done. And I don't relish the idea of teaching Percy Weasley anything in that department. That's why God created Clearwaters. And anyway, I thought you hated me. You broke my arm with a Bludger, remember?
B: Yeah, but that was when I was going through an experimental phase.
N: What the fuck is with guys here?
B: No, but I'm definitely straight now. At least, I think I am. I'll know for sure after I fuck you.
N: Oh, isn't that nice. How romantic. Nora Roberts would really dig that one. Why don't you just say it with flowers? Now if you don't mind, I'd like to go back to my book.
B: (looks down and sees what I'm reading). Ooh, the Karma Sultra! Merlin, that brings back memories. That was my favourite book in my third year.
N: Third year?
B: But the classics always need to be revisited, right? (sits down on bed next to me and flicks through pages) I've always like this one.
N: Hmm, that does look nice...Hey, that is "not" allowed!
B: Sorry. Have you ever been to India?
N: Nope.
B: Okay, then. Sit on my lap and I'll be India.
N: That was terrible. You're a disgrace to every breathing Italian male.
B: Okay, how's this: Your father must have been a thief, because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
N: The way I'm glaring at you, I would have thought that they'd resemble black holes more, but never mind. That was even worse. Are you sure you're not Sicilian?
B: I most certainly am not.
N: Oh-kay. This may take some work. I know! You're a Ravenclaw. Try reciting some poetry.
B: Oh baby, baby, how was I supposed to know/ That something wasn't ri- ight/ Oh pretty baby, I shouldn't have let you go-oh-
N: AHH! I SAID "RECITING POETRY," NOT "INCITING POETRY!" And you're supposed to be seducing me, not trying to make me jump out of a window! Bombardino, you must have definitely lost it with a Hufflepuff, because a girl from that house would be the only one capable of pitying you enough to take away your virginity!
B: WAAAAHHH!
N: Oh fuck.
B: (stops crying) Really? You mean it?
N: No, just a figure of expression (Bombardino starts sniffing again). Look, why don't you go over to Clearhead's bed? Her and Weasel are going through an "off" period. Or skip across the hall to the sixth years' dorm and introduce Vanessa to Little Alessandro.
B: It is not so little. Look, I'll prove it to.
N: Er, I'll take your word for it. Kind of like when George Weasel offered to prove he's natural redhead. No go play, okay? (Bombardino runs out of the room. I breathe a sigh of relief).
To quote Mae West, "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
* * * * *
7:51 AM, October 22nd
Hooray, the match day is finally here and time for us to all unite and bond with Gryffindorkers and Gryffinstalkers (well, I had to make up a separate category for Colin Creevey, didn't I?) as they take over the bloody world.
Pardon me while I gag myself with my mascara wand.
8:34 AM
Figured out Huffleduffers needed all luck they could get, so prepped by wearing my lucky leopard print thong (g-string to all non-yanks). Gold is close enough to Hufflepuff colours, right? And if I lose pre-season bet to Adrian, at least I'll co-ordinate with the losing team and losers when am required to streak around the pitch.
Really hope Hufflepuff win.
9:18 AM
Went to Ravenclaw tower early to claim good seat only to find Cho there first, obviously wearing padded bra under t-shirt that says, "Sexual Intellectual" across bust. Jeez, she's only thirteen. And she's Cho. What is up with that?
"Any news on today?" I ask, sitting down next to her.
"Yeah," she replied. "Hufflepuff have completely made over their team. They kept that one really good Beater they have, but they've got two new Chasers, Caity Trillan and Verity Vector. They're both very good! And, and," she started to blush, "my friend has replaced Ernie MacMillan as the Seeker. He'll be captaining today."
"Is that the reason for the shirt and the breasts?" I asked her.
"These are mine!" she squealed, puffing up with indignation.
"Right, and I'm Marcus's Flint," I said as Clearhead came up the stairs. "She" is wearing a shirt that flashes "I will not be pressured into underage sex. I am a volunteer" across the bust every few seconds. Yeeep.
"You're revolting," she told me.
"You're the one with the fake boobs," I respond calmly. Best way to bait people is to stay deadpan.
"No, I'm not!" Penelope squealed.
"I was talking about Cho, but thanks for sharing the fact that you're Wonderbra's greatest customer - well, I can't really use "biggest," can I, since you obviously wouldn't be there," I told her.
Penelope shrieked and launched herself at me. As did Cho. Yep, fake nails do hurt.
"So, Adrian," a voice spoke above the three of us, "reckon this is the closest we'll ever get to watching a lesbian threesome? Wish I had my camera."
Adrian and Warrington had decided to pay a visit. Methinks Warrington would quite like leopard-print thongs.
Really, really hope Hufflepuff win.
9:56 AM
Kick-off approaching. Have spotted Caity Trillan and Verity Vector, a tall dark-haired girl with hair cut in a "I'm a serious athlete, therefore I must look as butch as possible" blunt bob. Although come to think of it, could use a few more lezzers around the school to balance out the likes of Adrian and his Cedar.
Okay, even I did not mean to make that last bit sound quite so revolting.
Cho suddenly squealed and grabs my arm. As did Penelope on other side of me, making me feel as though I am trapped in a vice made of excessive female pheromones. "And fourth year Cedric Diggory, the new Hufflepuff captain, strides onto the field and shakes hands with Gryffindor captain Oliver Wood," Lee Jordan boomed. Jeez, you'd think the rest of the stadium is blind, the blow-by-blow detail he insists on spooling through. This isn't a freakin' Hemmingway novel. Although Diggory quite yummy. Perhaps should shag him to piss off Luc, who is over in Slytherin stand with Zoe Zabini (grrr).
Vanessa, who arrived very late with Bombardino (yay!) was blushing. As was Adrian???? Wait a second. Hufflepuff? Fifteen? Cedric...CEDAR?
OH MY GOD.
Guess sleeping with Hufflepuff captain for revenge ruled out. Why, oh why, did I persuade Bombardino to shag Vanessa? Is pretty sexy and has an accent, if can ignore the fact that totally hate him. And will now have to have very long talk with Cho after match. Hearts will be broken.
Okay, perhaps are plus sides to Cedric being gay after all. Mwahh ha ha.
12:35 PM
Game on, and not just between Adrian and Cedric. Hufflepuff doing better than expected. Unlike MacMillan, Caity and Verity are not afraid of heights, their one good Beater is slugging them for all he's worth, and Cedric - wow, that kid "can" fly.
Although Adrian could have told me that. Not that I wanted to ask, that is.
Although being friends with a hot gay couple does have interesting voyeuristic possibilities...
Er, no.
12:39 PM
Hufflepuff doing well, but trailing fifty to seventy. Things have got to improve. If they win will go on hedonistic bender with whole team and show them that at least bad does not mean boring.
Except maybe Verity.
Bloody Merlin, here comes the Snitch! Cedric and Pothead are tailing it, but Pothead smaller and on a faster broom. He will get it - he will surely - Penelope and Cho clinging to each other and Bombardino looks ready to leap out of tower and grab Snitch himself. Can see all of season's hard work trailing away before my eyes. Vanessa screaming in my ear to "DO SOMETHING! DO SOMETHING!"
So I did. I pulled up my shirt and introduced Harry to another pair of twins. His mouth fell open and he stopped. Cedric didn't. Game Hufflepuff.
At least now Mary Sues know that Pothead isn't gay. If they don't skin me alive for making their precious house lose the Cup, that is.
So it's between us and Slytherin now. Oh joy. Bring on the slimy tactics. And Malfoy's hair grease. Didn't anyone tell him that Brycleam is so 1950s?
Well, we should have a good chance next Saturday. That is, if I don't get distracted by the atrocities in hair dos that are Malfoy and Flint.
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Fiery Wordess: Like the nick ;p Thanks for joining us and hope you enjoyed the rest of the fic once fanfiction.net let you upload.
Herringprincess: Yeah, it must just kill Natalia that she thinks Harry is cute. Her romantic situation will finally be resolved next (and the last) entry.
Shewhodares: Yes, you were bang on with Cedric being Adrian's paramour (as a "G" rated way of putting it). I was hoping someone figured it out, I dropped a few hints such as Cho looking in the same direction as Adrian in Hogsmeades (Entry 11) and her telling Roger about having a Hufflepuff friend who is good at Quidditch (Entry 14).
TWO MORE ENTRIES TO GO!
I also must introduce "Natalia Adani and the Boys of Hogwarts" baby sister fic, "Poppy Skeeter's Very Secret Diary." It basically features Rita Skeeter's daughter (don't you already feel sorry for the poor girl) and her diary of her time at Hogwarts. As I write this the first two entries are up and it promises to be very good! It's on my "Favourite Stories" page if you want to check it out.
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Entry Sixteen: Oh Cedar, My Cedar
11:16 PM, October 18th
Two mid-terms down. Five to go. One assignment to make up. Four hours of sleep last night. Male friend wants to be more than a male friend. I have a headache (this and the preceding sentence are in no way connected). House Elves just ran out of regular coke. That is basically a summary of my life right now and why I have neglected this poor, little, sordid thing known as my diary for so long. Clearhead has been singing Beatles song "With a Little Help from My Friends" all evening, hence the headache.
I could do with a bit less help from "my" friend right now.
Okay, this is how it went down. 1:47 AM last night (technically this morning, should I be in Hufflepuff or what?): Bombardino hates me. 1:48 AM last night: Yup, Bombardino still hates me. 1:52 AM last night: Bombardino wants to have mad, passionate Italian sex with me. And let me tell you, there is no sex like Italian sex. Especially if it's mad. And passionate. But I digress. Wait, you'd rather hear about mad, passionate Italian sex? That's your problem, you sick bastard. And it's my diary too, you know. Actually, I don't even know why I'm sharing it with you. Go away and read Cho's.
Okay, so maybe I don't blame you for being in mine...
Anyway, was lying in bed doing some light reading (or reminiscing, since was copy of Karma Sultra) when he comes charging in, panting, "Ti desidero! Spogliati!"
Now this shows how smart (or jumped up - they both mean the same to me) we Italians are. Instead of having to use four stinking words to ask (or demand) someone to take their clothes off, we have just one. "Spogliati." And let's face, there are times when you don't even want to wait to say "that."
Rest of conversation continued in Italian, but even though technically this is "my" diary, I will translate it into English since I am a very giving person - but I expect something in return. Like foot massages.
N: Wha'?
B: I said I wanted you! So take off your clothes.
N: *4#@&%#**))&%##^*)(@$?????
B: Come on, Natalia. Let's show these boring English people how it's really done!
N: Um, judging by the amount of offspring they have, I'd say the Weasleys at least know how it's really done. And I don't relish the idea of teaching Percy Weasley anything in that department. That's why God created Clearwaters. And anyway, I thought you hated me. You broke my arm with a Bludger, remember?
B: Yeah, but that was when I was going through an experimental phase.
N: What the fuck is with guys here?
B: No, but I'm definitely straight now. At least, I think I am. I'll know for sure after I fuck you.
N: Oh, isn't that nice. How romantic. Nora Roberts would really dig that one. Why don't you just say it with flowers? Now if you don't mind, I'd like to go back to my book.
B: (looks down and sees what I'm reading). Ooh, the Karma Sultra! Merlin, that brings back memories. That was my favourite book in my third year.
N: Third year?
B: But the classics always need to be revisited, right? (sits down on bed next to me and flicks through pages) I've always like this one.
N: Hmm, that does look nice...Hey, that is "not" allowed!
B: Sorry. Have you ever been to India?
N: Nope.
B: Okay, then. Sit on my lap and I'll be India.
N: That was terrible. You're a disgrace to every breathing Italian male.
B: Okay, how's this: Your father must have been a thief, because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
N: The way I'm glaring at you, I would have thought that they'd resemble black holes more, but never mind. That was even worse. Are you sure you're not Sicilian?
B: I most certainly am not.
N: Oh-kay. This may take some work. I know! You're a Ravenclaw. Try reciting some poetry.
B: Oh baby, baby, how was I supposed to know/ That something wasn't ri- ight/ Oh pretty baby, I shouldn't have let you go-oh-
N: AHH! I SAID "RECITING POETRY," NOT "INCITING POETRY!" And you're supposed to be seducing me, not trying to make me jump out of a window! Bombardino, you must have definitely lost it with a Hufflepuff, because a girl from that house would be the only one capable of pitying you enough to take away your virginity!
B: WAAAAHHH!
N: Oh fuck.
B: (stops crying) Really? You mean it?
N: No, just a figure of expression (Bombardino starts sniffing again). Look, why don't you go over to Clearhead's bed? Her and Weasel are going through an "off" period. Or skip across the hall to the sixth years' dorm and introduce Vanessa to Little Alessandro.
B: It is not so little. Look, I'll prove it to.
N: Er, I'll take your word for it. Kind of like when George Weasel offered to prove he's natural redhead. No go play, okay? (Bombardino runs out of the room. I breathe a sigh of relief).
To quote Mae West, "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
* * * * *
7:51 AM, October 22nd
Hooray, the match day is finally here and time for us to all unite and bond with Gryffindorkers and Gryffinstalkers (well, I had to make up a separate category for Colin Creevey, didn't I?) as they take over the bloody world.
Pardon me while I gag myself with my mascara wand.
8:34 AM
Figured out Huffleduffers needed all luck they could get, so prepped by wearing my lucky leopard print thong (g-string to all non-yanks). Gold is close enough to Hufflepuff colours, right? And if I lose pre-season bet to Adrian, at least I'll co-ordinate with the losing team and losers when am required to streak around the pitch.
Really hope Hufflepuff win.
9:18 AM
Went to Ravenclaw tower early to claim good seat only to find Cho there first, obviously wearing padded bra under t-shirt that says, "Sexual Intellectual" across bust. Jeez, she's only thirteen. And she's Cho. What is up with that?
"Any news on today?" I ask, sitting down next to her.
"Yeah," she replied. "Hufflepuff have completely made over their team. They kept that one really good Beater they have, but they've got two new Chasers, Caity Trillan and Verity Vector. They're both very good! And, and," she started to blush, "my friend has replaced Ernie MacMillan as the Seeker. He'll be captaining today."
"Is that the reason for the shirt and the breasts?" I asked her.
"These are mine!" she squealed, puffing up with indignation.
"Right, and I'm Marcus's Flint," I said as Clearhead came up the stairs. "She" is wearing a shirt that flashes "I will not be pressured into underage sex. I am a volunteer" across the bust every few seconds. Yeeep.
"You're revolting," she told me.
"You're the one with the fake boobs," I respond calmly. Best way to bait people is to stay deadpan.
"No, I'm not!" Penelope squealed.
"I was talking about Cho, but thanks for sharing the fact that you're Wonderbra's greatest customer - well, I can't really use "biggest," can I, since you obviously wouldn't be there," I told her.
Penelope shrieked and launched herself at me. As did Cho. Yep, fake nails do hurt.
"So, Adrian," a voice spoke above the three of us, "reckon this is the closest we'll ever get to watching a lesbian threesome? Wish I had my camera."
Adrian and Warrington had decided to pay a visit. Methinks Warrington would quite like leopard-print thongs.
Really, really hope Hufflepuff win.
9:56 AM
Kick-off approaching. Have spotted Caity Trillan and Verity Vector, a tall dark-haired girl with hair cut in a "I'm a serious athlete, therefore I must look as butch as possible" blunt bob. Although come to think of it, could use a few more lezzers around the school to balance out the likes of Adrian and his Cedar.
Okay, even I did not mean to make that last bit sound quite so revolting.
Cho suddenly squealed and grabs my arm. As did Penelope on other side of me, making me feel as though I am trapped in a vice made of excessive female pheromones. "And fourth year Cedric Diggory, the new Hufflepuff captain, strides onto the field and shakes hands with Gryffindor captain Oliver Wood," Lee Jordan boomed. Jeez, you'd think the rest of the stadium is blind, the blow-by-blow detail he insists on spooling through. This isn't a freakin' Hemmingway novel. Although Diggory quite yummy. Perhaps should shag him to piss off Luc, who is over in Slytherin stand with Zoe Zabini (grrr).
Vanessa, who arrived very late with Bombardino (yay!) was blushing. As was Adrian???? Wait a second. Hufflepuff? Fifteen? Cedric...CEDAR?
OH MY GOD.
Guess sleeping with Hufflepuff captain for revenge ruled out. Why, oh why, did I persuade Bombardino to shag Vanessa? Is pretty sexy and has an accent, if can ignore the fact that totally hate him. And will now have to have very long talk with Cho after match. Hearts will be broken.
Okay, perhaps are plus sides to Cedric being gay after all. Mwahh ha ha.
12:35 PM
Game on, and not just between Adrian and Cedric. Hufflepuff doing better than expected. Unlike MacMillan, Caity and Verity are not afraid of heights, their one good Beater is slugging them for all he's worth, and Cedric - wow, that kid "can" fly.
Although Adrian could have told me that. Not that I wanted to ask, that is.
Although being friends with a hot gay couple does have interesting voyeuristic possibilities...
Er, no.
12:39 PM
Hufflepuff doing well, but trailing fifty to seventy. Things have got to improve. If they win will go on hedonistic bender with whole team and show them that at least bad does not mean boring.
Except maybe Verity.
Bloody Merlin, here comes the Snitch! Cedric and Pothead are tailing it, but Pothead smaller and on a faster broom. He will get it - he will surely - Penelope and Cho clinging to each other and Bombardino looks ready to leap out of tower and grab Snitch himself. Can see all of season's hard work trailing away before my eyes. Vanessa screaming in my ear to "DO SOMETHING! DO SOMETHING!"
So I did. I pulled up my shirt and introduced Harry to another pair of twins. His mouth fell open and he stopped. Cedric didn't. Game Hufflepuff.
At least now Mary Sues know that Pothead isn't gay. If they don't skin me alive for making their precious house lose the Cup, that is.
So it's between us and Slytherin now. Oh joy. Bring on the slimy tactics. And Malfoy's hair grease. Didn't anyone tell him that Brycleam is so 1950s?
Well, we should have a good chance next Saturday. That is, if I don't get distracted by the atrocities in hair dos that are Malfoy and Flint.
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Fiery Wordess: Like the nick ;p Thanks for joining us and hope you enjoyed the rest of the fic once fanfiction.net let you upload.
Herringprincess: Yeah, it must just kill Natalia that she thinks Harry is cute. Her romantic situation will finally be resolved next (and the last) entry.
Shewhodares: Yes, you were bang on with Cedric being Adrian's paramour (as a "G" rated way of putting it). I was hoping someone figured it out, I dropped a few hints such as Cho looking in the same direction as Adrian in Hogsmeades (Entry 11) and her telling Roger about having a Hufflepuff friend who is good at Quidditch (Entry 14).
TWO MORE ENTRIES TO GO!