A/N: I haven't updated this in forever, and consequently the first chapter
is no longer applicable with regards to current events. So I'm just going
to skip from that to today. R/R!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They stopped in front of a dugout with a green door, which was obviously a bad idea because it could easily be seen from the air and targeted by American bombers. However, when the door opened, it was no little hill-man. Instead a very tall old guy with a long beard stepped out. He looked very surprised.
"Aren't you the leader of Ameri-land in the future of Middle Earth, 2000?" he asked.
"Er. actually it's 2003 right now," Bush said. "Boy, am I happy glad to see you! You sound like one of them Briticans. I know one of them. His name is Tony and he's my friend."
"I believe the word is Britons," Gandalf said. "But I have an idea you're not where you're supposed to be."
"Sure as heck, no! I was in the White House the other second, but seeing how it got all blown down by that Sa- Sadda- Sadad- that TERRORIST!"
Gandalf rolled his eyes. "MERIADOC BRANDYBUCK AND PEREGRIN TOOK, YOU GET YOUR PIPE-SNIFFING ARSES OVER HERE THIS INSTANT!"
Soon two little hill-men came into view. One of them was clutching a map and the other one a long silver stick that was faintly glowing. "You called, Gandalf?" they said.
"What have I told you about playing with the spoils of Isengard?" Gandalf said sternly.
One of them caught sight of Bush. "Hey! You found him, Gandalf!" He stuck out his hand. "I'm Meriadoc Brandybuck- Merry, for short. I hope we didn't inconvenience you too much. See, Pippin was playing with Saruman's wand and this old map, see, and whenever we jabbed it at a place a person would pop out. We've got them all back there except you, but that's only because you wandered away."
"Don't tell him that, Merry!" Pippin exclaimed. "I thought we were going to sort out how to take all that lot back ourselves."
Gandalf sighed. "Just how many did you manage to transport-" He was cut off by a crack that split the air, followed by a green flash and lots of screaming. The four of them ran to the site, which was in the backyard of Sam Gamgee's house.
They found a tall thin man waving a wand around cackling evilly next to the bodies of a couple of adults and many small children. Bill Gates, Walter Cronkite and Tiger Woods were standing to one side.
"He has killed the Russian royal family," Cronkite said in a grave voice.
"Really?" Bush said. "Well, that's a relief. Putin never had much support for me, anyway."
"Not him, you idiot!" Gandalf snapped. "That's the last tzar of Russia and his family lying there."
"Hey, I think I know him," Bush said. "That's that Voldy-mort guy in the book Laura was reading to me the other night. He's supposed to be evil."
Voldemort turned around. "Who dares say my name-" He was cut off in mid-sentence by Gandalf, who turned him into a cherry turnover.
"Pushover," Gandalf said dismissively. Merry and Pippin began fighting over the turnover.
"Where are we, Bush?" Gates said, seeing the president. "This is all your fault, you know! First the economy, and now this! There's a lawsuit in here somewhere!"
"Can't you make him shut up?" Pippin asked as Gates continued his barrage. Gandalf rolled his eyes and turned Gates into a large dill pickle. "Yum," said Pippin.
Tiger Woods looked at him in horror. "You just ate one of the most famous men in America!- after me, of course," he added as an afterthought.
Gandalf glowered at the three remaining earthlings. "Does anyone ELSE want to be Pippin's mid-afternoon snack?"
Sam, hearing all the commotion, stuck his head out of the window and saw the Russians still lying on the ground. "Are you finished with that lot?" he asked. "Seeing as how they don't seem to need their bodies anymore, I could sure use them for a fine fertilizer."
"I think I'm going to be sick," Tiger said.
"You think you have it bad!" Gandalf snapped. "How am I supposed to get you lot back to where you belong?"
"You could always turn them into some cream cakes," Pippin suggested. "I'm still hungry."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They stopped in front of a dugout with a green door, which was obviously a bad idea because it could easily be seen from the air and targeted by American bombers. However, when the door opened, it was no little hill-man. Instead a very tall old guy with a long beard stepped out. He looked very surprised.
"Aren't you the leader of Ameri-land in the future of Middle Earth, 2000?" he asked.
"Er. actually it's 2003 right now," Bush said. "Boy, am I happy glad to see you! You sound like one of them Briticans. I know one of them. His name is Tony and he's my friend."
"I believe the word is Britons," Gandalf said. "But I have an idea you're not where you're supposed to be."
"Sure as heck, no! I was in the White House the other second, but seeing how it got all blown down by that Sa- Sadda- Sadad- that TERRORIST!"
Gandalf rolled his eyes. "MERIADOC BRANDYBUCK AND PEREGRIN TOOK, YOU GET YOUR PIPE-SNIFFING ARSES OVER HERE THIS INSTANT!"
Soon two little hill-men came into view. One of them was clutching a map and the other one a long silver stick that was faintly glowing. "You called, Gandalf?" they said.
"What have I told you about playing with the spoils of Isengard?" Gandalf said sternly.
One of them caught sight of Bush. "Hey! You found him, Gandalf!" He stuck out his hand. "I'm Meriadoc Brandybuck- Merry, for short. I hope we didn't inconvenience you too much. See, Pippin was playing with Saruman's wand and this old map, see, and whenever we jabbed it at a place a person would pop out. We've got them all back there except you, but that's only because you wandered away."
"Don't tell him that, Merry!" Pippin exclaimed. "I thought we were going to sort out how to take all that lot back ourselves."
Gandalf sighed. "Just how many did you manage to transport-" He was cut off by a crack that split the air, followed by a green flash and lots of screaming. The four of them ran to the site, which was in the backyard of Sam Gamgee's house.
They found a tall thin man waving a wand around cackling evilly next to the bodies of a couple of adults and many small children. Bill Gates, Walter Cronkite and Tiger Woods were standing to one side.
"He has killed the Russian royal family," Cronkite said in a grave voice.
"Really?" Bush said. "Well, that's a relief. Putin never had much support for me, anyway."
"Not him, you idiot!" Gandalf snapped. "That's the last tzar of Russia and his family lying there."
"Hey, I think I know him," Bush said. "That's that Voldy-mort guy in the book Laura was reading to me the other night. He's supposed to be evil."
Voldemort turned around. "Who dares say my name-" He was cut off in mid-sentence by Gandalf, who turned him into a cherry turnover.
"Pushover," Gandalf said dismissively. Merry and Pippin began fighting over the turnover.
"Where are we, Bush?" Gates said, seeing the president. "This is all your fault, you know! First the economy, and now this! There's a lawsuit in here somewhere!"
"Can't you make him shut up?" Pippin asked as Gates continued his barrage. Gandalf rolled his eyes and turned Gates into a large dill pickle. "Yum," said Pippin.
Tiger Woods looked at him in horror. "You just ate one of the most famous men in America!- after me, of course," he added as an afterthought.
Gandalf glowered at the three remaining earthlings. "Does anyone ELSE want to be Pippin's mid-afternoon snack?"
Sam, hearing all the commotion, stuck his head out of the window and saw the Russians still lying on the ground. "Are you finished with that lot?" he asked. "Seeing as how they don't seem to need their bodies anymore, I could sure use them for a fine fertilizer."
"I think I'm going to be sick," Tiger said.
"You think you have it bad!" Gandalf snapped. "How am I supposed to get you lot back to where you belong?"
"You could always turn them into some cream cakes," Pippin suggested. "I'm still hungry."