Dear Diary, I am freaking out. I just kept pacing around my room. Over and over again. Talking to myself. Mumbling, muttering, whispering, yelling. I think I was scaring Dawn, she knocked a few times asking to come in. I thought I should write down what I was thinking. Get it all down, try to make sense of it all. I don't think I can make any sense of it all. I have so many thoughts and they're all so different. Coming from every direction. They just won't stop, they keep coming.

I wrote a really important letter to Angel a few months ago and I couldn't find it this morning. It had everything I was afraid to tell him in it. Everything I really wanted to tell him but couldn't. Not in person. I couldn't tell anyone. It's too much for them. It's too much for me. I'm just barely handeling it now. I don't know if I'll ever tell them. I didn't even want to tell Angel. Not yet. It happened years ago, but it's still too soon.

I am such an idiot. I actually put it in an envelope. I even addressed the letter. Stamp and all. I just noticed it was gone a few hours ago. I searched all over my room and I couldn't find it. I found things I hadn't seen in years and years. Since we moved into the house. But no letter.

I thought so many things. Maybe I just threw it away. Or dreamed up the whole letter. Or I put it somewhere for safe keeping and forgot. But no, I looked everywhere. I turned my room upside down. It was gone.

I asked Dawn, she had no idea about any letter. She asked what I wrote. Like I could tell her. I told her it was none of her business. It's not her business. It's my life. She would only feel sorry for me. I don't need that now. I hate when people feel sorry for me. Then I went to Willow and asked her. She looked shocked, and I knew she did it. I knew she found it and sent it. It was gone.

Still I asked her. "Did you? Willow please tell me you didn't send my letter." I asked her more intensely. Her eyes were looking for an escape anywhere. I knew that look. It was the look of someone who was trapped.

Willow's been feeling all guilty about the whole turning evil thing. She decided to clean my room while I was at Sunnydale High and she found the letter behind my desk. She figured I thought I sent the letter and didn't realize it was behind my desk. How could she do such a thing?

It's my room. She had no right to go in. No right to touch my stuff. How could she have sent it? In just a few minutes, something that was safely in my room was in the mailbox. Then a little while later, gone taken by the mailman. Sent away to LA, to Angel. Where he would read every word I spent so long writing. So long thinking about. I composed that letter in my head so many times. And in just a little while it was gone.

She just took it and dropped it in the mailbox. I started yelling at her, I couldn't believe she had done this to me. She looked so hurt, I felt bad. I couldn't stop yelling until I saw Dawn. There were so many questions on both their faces. I couldn't answer it, I can't, I don't want to. Ever. Still I'm so angry at Willow. It's not even her fault, it's mine.

I did it all, not her. Me. I need to be responsible for myself. I'm the adult now, I have a job. I take care of Dawn. I'm Buffy, I'm an adult. I need to act like one. For a long time I didn't think I could. I still wish I had help. Willow and Xander are some help, but they have problems and lives of their own. You grow up fast in Sunnydale. It's a hard place to live in.

Diary, I haven't even gotten to the worst part. She did it five days ago. Five long days ago. Angel must have the letter now. He knows. He knows everything. God he even knows about Spike. I'm crying now. Angel knows what no one else knows. What I couldn't tell even Spike. Angel knows the thoughts I could barely tell myself.

I can't believe I told Spike anything. He was just there. Easy to tell. He knew what it was like not to belong I guess. He wouldn't be freaked out by it all. I should've told someone else. Anyone else. I know if Angel was around, I could have told him. I can't do that. I can't do that anymore. Blame Angel's absence for everything I do. He's been gone four years now. And I died during that time.

And Angel, survived. He was able to live without me. I didn't think he'd be able to. I barely functioned without him. I ran away. I couldn't bare to be there without him. Even when he was evil, I still had him. He wasn't really gone. I always thought I could get him back. I did, but it wasn't long enough. I died, just like him I was gone from this world. When I come back everything was different.

Angel should have known it all. I think maybe he did. He was just scared like me. That one short day, was the best of my life. And I think in his 250 years, it was his best day too. Now Angel really does know it all. He knows I remember.

I never thought remembering could be so painful. That it could spark so many thoughts. So many bad thoughts, that it physically hurts. Never thought it could be so hard or difficult. Or cause so many problems. It's not Angel's fault though, it's mine. I did everything wrong.

I really messed up with everything. I handled it all wrong. Letting Spike do all those things to me. Just wanting to feel something, anything. I felt there had to me something wrong inside me. But there wasn't. It was just me. My head was messed up. Couldn't see straight. I can see now. After everything I did, I can finally see clearly.

Oh god. Angel knows. Everything I was afraid to say, he knows. I have to do something. I thought writing it down would help me figure it out. But it hasn't. Should I just let Angel do something first? I know he'll do something. It's Angel. He'll call or visit. Won't he?

What if he doesn't? What if he wants to forget it ever happened? Maybe it didn't mean as much to him as it did to me. No, I know it meant a lot to him. It had to. Probably meant even more. He was human, for the first time in more then two hundred years. He was really alive.

I never realized Angel was so good at pushing down and hiding his feelings. It explains a lot. I think I know him better now then ever before. I don't think he even knows how strong he is.

I can't just sit here. Waiting for Angel to do something. I'm the Slayer, we don't sit and wait. We take action. I have to do something. I have to see him. That's what I have to do. Just leave now and drive to LA. Right now. There's nothing else for me to do/ I'll borrow Xander's car and go now.

I'm actually scared. What if things have changed so much that we can't talk? It's been months since I've talked to him. We have what Angel wanted, different lives. He doesn't know that's not what I want. I told him when I was a teenager, that he was what I saw in my future. I still see him. He's all I see, all I want to see. I don't think I'd be who I am without him. He taught me just as much as my mom and Giles did.

I don't know what I'll say to Angel. I have the whole car ride to think about it. I don't regret writing that letter, I don't. Maybe this is just fate's way of getting us together. I don't know if this will be good, or bad or what. I just know I have to go. Have to get things straight with Angel. One way or another. I hope this isn't the end. -Buffy