Dear Buffy,
When the mail came the other day I never expected your letter. Usually I can feel you, even if I don't know it's you. I was looking through the mail and there you were. Buffy Summers, Sunnydale. I had pushed everything so far back in my mind. Dealing with everything from day to day.
But you know how it is with us Buffy, just once second of you and me and time stands still. I was staring at the letter until Gunn came in. Then I just left him and went into my office. I opened it up. I don't know what I expected but it was nothing like what I read.
I've been thinking about it the past few days. It's been quiet lately, too quiet. It gave me time to think and brood in my office, I'm still good at that. Disappearing and hiding in my office. I've read your letter so many times I know each word by heart. I could recite it to anyone. And I recite it over and over to myself.
I know you don't think so Buffy, but I regret leaving you everyday. I thought it was for the best, a part of me still does. The part that wants to do what's best for you. I have too many things fighting inside of me. Trying to do what's right. I may not be quite human but I make mistakes just the same. I did what I thought was right.
I was buried too Buffy. I remember that feeling. Not knowing where I was, clawing my way out. But I had someone waiting for me. You never should have gone through that. They shouldn't have done that to you. I was so angry when you told me what they did. I wish you had told me everything then.
I've been reading books for so many years. Books in all different languages. I never read anything more important then your letter in my life. I never knew one sheet of paper could be that important.
When I read that you remembered I was so overwhelmed. I almost couldn't read further. Images from our lost day bounced around in my head. Your words. But I did, I had to find out. You told me you'd never forgot, but I didn't believe it. I hoped it was true. Then we went back like we were supposed to. I looked into your eyes for some recognition, some sign, any sign that you remembered even a little. I saw nothing.
I crumbled inside. To look into the persons eyes that you love and shared such an amazing day, and just have sadness look back. I saw that you were still angry for me leaving you all those months ago.
After you went to sleep that night. I left for the powers to be. I wanted to make sure we'd have hundreds of days like that. I wanted to make sure they couldn't take it away. I went to them and they told me that one of us would die if we couldn't protect each other. I knew that if I was human, you would die. And that would kill me too.
Except for one thing. You did die, and I stayed alive well undead. You died, and I was still around. And I was ok. That was what I couldn't handle. I left for months, trying to find myself. Then I knew there was nothing to find and I came home.
Soon you were back. Then everything made sense again. You were alive, that's why I didn't die. Because you came back. It was the way it was supposed to be. I ran out to meet you. I knew there was something you weren't telling me. I never imagined it was so big.
That day meant just as much to me as it did to you. I was just how I always wanted to be too. I was happy. Even back when I was young, I wanted something more. I wanted you. I was finally human, and in love. With the most beautiful and amazing girl next to me. Believe me, I didn't want to give it up. I didn't want to give you up either. I had to, I couldn't protect you that way.
You're right Buffy, we could have been together. With me weak and you trying to protect me we probably wouldn't have been together very long. You might have ended up resenting me. Willow could have tired to find a spell. I worry for you Buffy. I never used to worry. Now I'm so far away from you. I couldn't feel you. I feel you now.
I try not to think about that day. I live from day to day. You can't change the past Buffy. I can't change it. No matter how much I wish I could. No matter how much I wish things could have been different. I think things are meant to be the way they are now. We're apart but we'll fly to each other's side at a moments notice if we need each other. I wasn't there the time it counted.
I think about those things Buffy. If I had been there you wouldn't have died. If I had been there you wouldn't have gone through all that pain. If I had been there you wouldn't have done those things to hurt yourself. I could kill Spike. How could you go to Spike Buffy? He's evil. He's not me at all. He's done horrible things. Some worse then what I did. You never really knew him Buffy, not the way I did. He's just as dark as I am, darker. He has fun with it.
I'm sorry I promised you another day. I thought we would have another day, hundreds of them. I couldn't have known it would be gone like that. I wish I could have been happy living in the moment with you. But I had to see what would happen next. I didn't like what they told me so I changed it all
As I watched the second hand get closer to twelve, you threw your arms around me and you were crying. Promising to remember. I closed my eyes and took it all back. Took back telling the oracles to turn back time. I didn't want it anymore. All I wanted was you. But it was too late. We were back in my office. You were telling me you wanted us to keep our distance. I knew you really forgot, and it was gone. I'd be the only one to remember. I never told anyone about it. I thought it really was lost. Then you were gone.
Buffy, I'm not brave, I'm not strong. I'm just good at keeping things bottled up. Hiding what I really feel. There's no trick to that. Late at night when everyone's asleep I still think about it. No matter how much I try not to. All the things I wish I could take back. I'm not strong Buffy, I'm weak. Always been weak.
You saved me, not the other way around. You made me want to be a man again. And for one day, you brought me into the light. That's what I always wanted for you. I thought I could be that for you. You're stronger then me. Even death can't beat you. Remember Christmas? You saved me then, you made me feel like I belonged.
Holding you in my arms after you came back. it was just like our lost day. We were together. A perfect fit. But you kept crying, I cried too. I cried for you, and for us and for that day. That never should have happened. But I'm glad it did Buffy. It may hurt but it also makes me happy. It gives me hope for the future. If there can be one day like that, why not thousands? I'm just afraid to hope they'll with you. Now that you remember it can't be taken away from you. We'll always remember it.
You were the only girl to ever love me and the only girl I ever loved. You saw the beast in me, literally and you kissed me. You weren't afraid of it. You faced my dark side and you won. I still love you Buffy, I know I always will. You're a part of me. You're the humanity in me.
I can still remember the first day I saw you. Outside of your school. You were so beautiful and unaware of everything. The beginning of your destiny. You were just standing in front of your school smiling. I knew what was coming and all I wanted to do was to protect you. I still do. Everytime I leave you it gets harder. They never said doing the right thing was so hard. And I don't even know what's right anymore.
I don't even know why I'm writing this letter. It's silly. We should be able to talk to each other. Face to face. Get out everything we wanted to say, but were too afraid to. Hiding behind lines on sheets of paper won't get us anywhere. Maybe I just had to write this all out before I knew what I had to do. I have to see you. We have to talk, in person.
Still, I don't know if I'll be able to go through with this. In case I can't I'll mail this letter. I might be able to turn a car around but I can't take back this letter. Maybe that's my problem. I keep taking things back.
~~Still your Angel
When the mail came the other day I never expected your letter. Usually I can feel you, even if I don't know it's you. I was looking through the mail and there you were. Buffy Summers, Sunnydale. I had pushed everything so far back in my mind. Dealing with everything from day to day.
But you know how it is with us Buffy, just once second of you and me and time stands still. I was staring at the letter until Gunn came in. Then I just left him and went into my office. I opened it up. I don't know what I expected but it was nothing like what I read.
I've been thinking about it the past few days. It's been quiet lately, too quiet. It gave me time to think and brood in my office, I'm still good at that. Disappearing and hiding in my office. I've read your letter so many times I know each word by heart. I could recite it to anyone. And I recite it over and over to myself.
I know you don't think so Buffy, but I regret leaving you everyday. I thought it was for the best, a part of me still does. The part that wants to do what's best for you. I have too many things fighting inside of me. Trying to do what's right. I may not be quite human but I make mistakes just the same. I did what I thought was right.
I was buried too Buffy. I remember that feeling. Not knowing where I was, clawing my way out. But I had someone waiting for me. You never should have gone through that. They shouldn't have done that to you. I was so angry when you told me what they did. I wish you had told me everything then.
I've been reading books for so many years. Books in all different languages. I never read anything more important then your letter in my life. I never knew one sheet of paper could be that important.
When I read that you remembered I was so overwhelmed. I almost couldn't read further. Images from our lost day bounced around in my head. Your words. But I did, I had to find out. You told me you'd never forgot, but I didn't believe it. I hoped it was true. Then we went back like we were supposed to. I looked into your eyes for some recognition, some sign, any sign that you remembered even a little. I saw nothing.
I crumbled inside. To look into the persons eyes that you love and shared such an amazing day, and just have sadness look back. I saw that you were still angry for me leaving you all those months ago.
After you went to sleep that night. I left for the powers to be. I wanted to make sure we'd have hundreds of days like that. I wanted to make sure they couldn't take it away. I went to them and they told me that one of us would die if we couldn't protect each other. I knew that if I was human, you would die. And that would kill me too.
Except for one thing. You did die, and I stayed alive well undead. You died, and I was still around. And I was ok. That was what I couldn't handle. I left for months, trying to find myself. Then I knew there was nothing to find and I came home.
Soon you were back. Then everything made sense again. You were alive, that's why I didn't die. Because you came back. It was the way it was supposed to be. I ran out to meet you. I knew there was something you weren't telling me. I never imagined it was so big.
That day meant just as much to me as it did to you. I was just how I always wanted to be too. I was happy. Even back when I was young, I wanted something more. I wanted you. I was finally human, and in love. With the most beautiful and amazing girl next to me. Believe me, I didn't want to give it up. I didn't want to give you up either. I had to, I couldn't protect you that way.
You're right Buffy, we could have been together. With me weak and you trying to protect me we probably wouldn't have been together very long. You might have ended up resenting me. Willow could have tired to find a spell. I worry for you Buffy. I never used to worry. Now I'm so far away from you. I couldn't feel you. I feel you now.
I try not to think about that day. I live from day to day. You can't change the past Buffy. I can't change it. No matter how much I wish I could. No matter how much I wish things could have been different. I think things are meant to be the way they are now. We're apart but we'll fly to each other's side at a moments notice if we need each other. I wasn't there the time it counted.
I think about those things Buffy. If I had been there you wouldn't have died. If I had been there you wouldn't have gone through all that pain. If I had been there you wouldn't have done those things to hurt yourself. I could kill Spike. How could you go to Spike Buffy? He's evil. He's not me at all. He's done horrible things. Some worse then what I did. You never really knew him Buffy, not the way I did. He's just as dark as I am, darker. He has fun with it.
I'm sorry I promised you another day. I thought we would have another day, hundreds of them. I couldn't have known it would be gone like that. I wish I could have been happy living in the moment with you. But I had to see what would happen next. I didn't like what they told me so I changed it all
As I watched the second hand get closer to twelve, you threw your arms around me and you were crying. Promising to remember. I closed my eyes and took it all back. Took back telling the oracles to turn back time. I didn't want it anymore. All I wanted was you. But it was too late. We were back in my office. You were telling me you wanted us to keep our distance. I knew you really forgot, and it was gone. I'd be the only one to remember. I never told anyone about it. I thought it really was lost. Then you were gone.
Buffy, I'm not brave, I'm not strong. I'm just good at keeping things bottled up. Hiding what I really feel. There's no trick to that. Late at night when everyone's asleep I still think about it. No matter how much I try not to. All the things I wish I could take back. I'm not strong Buffy, I'm weak. Always been weak.
You saved me, not the other way around. You made me want to be a man again. And for one day, you brought me into the light. That's what I always wanted for you. I thought I could be that for you. You're stronger then me. Even death can't beat you. Remember Christmas? You saved me then, you made me feel like I belonged.
Holding you in my arms after you came back. it was just like our lost day. We were together. A perfect fit. But you kept crying, I cried too. I cried for you, and for us and for that day. That never should have happened. But I'm glad it did Buffy. It may hurt but it also makes me happy. It gives me hope for the future. If there can be one day like that, why not thousands? I'm just afraid to hope they'll with you. Now that you remember it can't be taken away from you. We'll always remember it.
You were the only girl to ever love me and the only girl I ever loved. You saw the beast in me, literally and you kissed me. You weren't afraid of it. You faced my dark side and you won. I still love you Buffy, I know I always will. You're a part of me. You're the humanity in me.
I can still remember the first day I saw you. Outside of your school. You were so beautiful and unaware of everything. The beginning of your destiny. You were just standing in front of your school smiling. I knew what was coming and all I wanted to do was to protect you. I still do. Everytime I leave you it gets harder. They never said doing the right thing was so hard. And I don't even know what's right anymore.
I don't even know why I'm writing this letter. It's silly. We should be able to talk to each other. Face to face. Get out everything we wanted to say, but were too afraid to. Hiding behind lines on sheets of paper won't get us anywhere. Maybe I just had to write this all out before I knew what I had to do. I have to see you. We have to talk, in person.
Still, I don't know if I'll be able to go through with this. In case I can't I'll mail this letter. I might be able to turn a car around but I can't take back this letter. Maybe that's my problem. I keep taking things back.
~~Still your Angel