Started on July 9, 2002

Completed on December 9, 2002

I wrote this part in 5 days. 5 days over the course of 5 months. It makes things less coherent than usual. Really, I don't even know what's going on anymore. What are these people doing? And all the goddam contemplation. And the angsting. Gah. It's hideous. I mean, um, it's wonderful, it's the best thing that I've ever written, yeah, uh-huh. This part is more transitional than anything else. Hopefully the next part will be getting into the swing of things. I just want to finish this thing before it consumes my soul. Look, even my ranting isn't coherent. Is that oxy-moronic?

Hey, thanks to everyone who read my Tune fic, especially those who left those lovely reviews. They were much appreciated.

Dark and Light - Part 6

By Silver Kitsune

"It's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault..."

He kept repeating the words over and over, digging his nails into my flesh.

I was startled as I looked down to find that little drips of blood were beginning to form beneath his nails. I carefully pried Hiead's fingers off of my arm.

"Shit, that hurt..." I murmured, rubbing at the little red half-moons. I wasn't really angry, though, as much as I was worried. Hiead looked almost... fragile.

I took his hand quietly into my own, running my fingertips over his skin. He tried to push me away a few times, then finally gave up and just sat there, shaking. I pulled his hand closer, pressing a light kiss on his knuckle. He didn't make a move to pull away, so I continued stroking his hand.

Sitting there in the quiet of the room, I began to realize how hopeless this was. I didn't want to be here right now, sitting on the floor and trying to soothe an incoherent Hiead. I wanted to be out training, working with Kizna, practicing with Clay. Anything but being trapped in here, slowly suffocating.

I gazed over at Hiead, letting my eyes wander over his trembling form. He looked so vulnerable and that just wasn't the Hiead that I know. It hurt me, it scared me, I don't know what it did to me, but it wasn't right and I wanted it to stop. Before I really knew what I was doing, I had clambered over next to Hiead and wrapped my arms around him.

I could feel his body tense under the touch.

Sometimes I wonder if he just rejects any type of affection or if he's rejecting me.

I sighed, tucking my head against his shoulder.

Why was I doing this to myself? Throughout the past few days, all I'd wanted to do was be as far away from Hiead as possible. I could have just walked away when he started screaming at me. So why the hell didn't I?

Because I could never walk away.

I never understood how there could be such a thing as a love-hate relationship. I still don't. It doesn't make sense. If you care about someone, how can you hate them? What logic can possibly justify those emotions? You either love someone or you hate them; you can't have it both ways.

"Zero, why are you here?" Hiead asked, breaking the silence. As he spoke, his ragged breath bristled past my ear.

I closed my eyes tightly, trying to come up with a suitable answer. "I don't know..." I finally replied.

"You know that as soon as we leave this room I'll pretend this never happened."

"Yeah."

"I'll go right back to making your life miserable."

"I know."

"So why are you here-"

"I-"

"-and why do I want you here?"

"Don't say shit like that."

"But you can go and tell me that you love me?"

"I said that I could love you. I didn't say that I do love you."

"What's the difference? You still used that word."

"Well I didn't mean it."

"Good."

Pause.

"I lied. I meant it."

"Don't say shit like that."

"Fine. I hate you."

Pause.

"And I meant that, too."

"Good."

"Good."

I finally sat up, pushing myself away from Hiead and glaring all the while. He eyed me coolly in return. After a few moments of silence elapsed, though, we both averted our eyes, the anger dying out.

"Do things always have to be like this between us?" I asked, staring intently at the wall. If you stared at it long enough, it almost looked like it was moving. Fascinating, really. Anything was better than being in this room, having this conversation.

"Is there any other way?" Hiead replied.

"Shouldn't there be?" I asked. There was a little stain on the bottom of the wall. I wondered what it was from.

"This isn't your ideal little world, Zero, where everything works out just right and everyone is happy," Hiead hissed. "This is reality."

I laughed softly. "I like my world better." Maybe that stain was from when Clay tripped and spilled grape juice on the floor.

Hiead echoed my laughter, though his sounded much harsher and far more bitter. "God, Zero, you have no clue, do you? Do you even know what you are? Why bother asking? Of course you don't. You're completely oblivious to everything around you. You have no idea what the real world is like."

I didn't know what he was talking about and I really didn't care. I was passed caring. I already knew where this conversation was headed anyway. "Hiead, just get it over with. You live your life your way and I live mine my way. We're two completely different people and there's no way that we could ever-"

"I want to live in your world."

Hiead startled me as he suddenly wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder. I closed my eyes for a moment, taking in the strange gesture of affection.

"I want to live in your world," he repeated softly, burrowing his head into my neck. "But it's killing me."

I opened my eyes, letting them linger over the dark stain on the wall. It had a more crimson tint than grape juice. It reminded me of blood.

"So do you understand? Understand why we can't make this work?" he asked, holding me a little closer.

"I understand..." I murmured.

Hiead sat up, letting his fingertips slip down my bare arm. "Then we have nothing more to discuss."

"Nothing more to discuss..." I repeated, letting my gaze shift back to the wall.

I felt his lips brush fleetingly over my own.

"I don't always hate you."

I straightened up with a start. Why did he have to go and say something like that now? It felt like he was just pouring salt in the wound.

"Jerk..." I muttered, leaving the room quickly so I could be the one to walk out on him.

Hiead just sat on the floor, staring at the closed door.

* * * * *

"Kizzy-chan, I luv you," I purred as I trailed behind my irritated partner.

"Go away," she growled, refusing to turn around.

The hallway was fairly crowded as the various candidates passed between lessons, so I had to push my way through the crowd to keep up with Kizna's rapid pace.

"Come on, Kizna, why won't you talk to me?" I whined, using the most pathetic voice I could muster up. "I miss you~"

Kizna continued stalking her way down the hall with no intention of stopping.

I had to come up with a way to make her stop and listen to me. I needed Kizna right now. She was the person I was closest to, the one I could trust with anything. I screwed up by not telling her about Hiead and all that shit, but I wasn't ready to admit to her then how stupid I was. Of course, I'm sure that she's well aware of what a big idiot I am, but it's a pride thing and all.

The fact of the matter is that I was ready to fix up things and make them right, which is why I felt the need to dive at Kizna's legs and grab on for dear life.

"What the hell are you doing?" Kizna screeched, trying to shake me off.

"Say that you looooove me," I crooned, locking my arms securely around her legs.

"Zero!" Kizna cried, blushing furiously.

It seemed as though everyone in the hallway had stopped to stare at the little spectacle I had caused. I really couldn't care less if they were watching or not, all I wanted was Kizna to say that she forgave me.

Kizna didn't seem to share my carefree sentiments as she desperately tried to shake me off of her leg.

"Come on, Kizna, admit that you're not mad at me anymore," I pleaded cheerfully.

"Actually, I've never been more furious with you," she snapped, giving her leg a sharp shake.

I clung onto her even tighter. "You miss talking to me..."

"I appreciated the momentary lapse into silence. It did wonders for my eardrums," she informed me with a scowl.

"You miss our antigravity training," I said with a grin, rubbing my cheek against her ankle.

"If only to hear you screaming in terror as I let go of the rope..." she replied sharply, though I could see some amusement begin to glimmer in her eyes.

"You miss the light that I fill your life with, the inextinguishable joy that infuses your each and every day, the wondrous feeling of-"

Kizna smacked me lightly. "Baka."

I grinned up at her, mustering up the most innocent-looking smile that I could concoct.

Kizna rolled her eyes and laughed.

"Neeee, so you forgive me for being such an idiot?"

Kizna sighed, but she was still smiling. She crouched down beside me, patting me on the head. "Yeah, I guess. I never seem to be able to stay mad at you for long..."

"Yatta~" I cheered, tackling her to the floor.

"ZERO! Get off of me!" Kizna shrieked, shoving me away.

I smiled cheerfully as I plopped onto the floor.

Kizna stood up with a huff, brushing herself off. "Jerk..." she muttered, but there was still a trace of a smile lingering at her lips.

I popped up to my feet, slinging my arm companionably around her shoulder. "Let's go to class now!"

"Hai," Kizna murmured, suddenly leaning against me as though she needed support. "Ne, Zero?"

"Yeah?" I asked as we headed towards the classroom.

"Do you... do you trust me?" she asked softly.

I blinked in surprise, turning to look at her. Her eyes gazed straight forward, looking almost sad.

"Why would you ask me that? Of course I trust you," I responded, feeling annoyed that she would ask me something like that.

"Well, then... why didn't you tell me? About Hiead?"

"Wha-?" I began, stopping short.

Kizna turned to me, now meeting my shocked gaze evenly.

"I know."

That was all she said before turning around, tugging on my arm lightly and dragging me to class.

* * * * *

I did not get anything out of class that day, which was pretty bad since it was our final preparation for piloting the pro-ings tomorrow. Still, I was lost in thought. Kizna said that she knew. But how could she possibly know? In fact, what did she know? She couldn't know all that much, after all. I mean, I hadn't mentioned anything and I was quite sure Hiead wasn't being particularly chatty about that subject or much of anything else. Had she seen something, heard something? My eyes had eventually drifted towards the scratches on my arms. Hm, maybe that was it? Hiead and I were always leaving cuts and bruises on one another from our fights, so maybe that's what she knew about. Okay, granted, everyone and their uncle knows that Hiead and I fight all the time, but most aren't aware of the severity of our fights. Could that be what Kizna was talking about?

Great, just one more thing to stress me out.

I don't always hate you.

I frowned, letting an involuntary finger run down my lips.

This all sucked. I just wanted to become a pilot. I didn't want this overly sensitive partner who made me worry about her and I certainly hadn't asked for a psychopathical lover/ex-lover/rival/mortal enemy/mutual ass-kicker. I had come to GOA with single-minded determination to become a pilot, and that was certainly still my goal. And yet...

I don't know. Everything's all... I don't know.

Did I mention that this sucks?

So I spent the rest of class blowing my bangs out of my eyes and trying to figure out why I felt so... I dunno, I don't want to use the word depressed. Zero Enna does not get depressed. I've been through a lot in my life, not that I can remember half of it, but it's always been my upbeat, positive attitude that has gotten me through things. I don't let stuff get me down. I mean, there's no point in being upset over something that you can't change. All you can do is keep on pushing forward.

Listen to me, I sound like one of those idiotic motivational speakers or something.

You know, class dismissal is a beautiful thing. As soon as the instructor announced the end of class, I was more than happy to escape my confusing train of thought and meld into the over-crowded hallway. Kizna was soon at my side, her hands tucked in her pockets as she fell into stride with me.

We walked in silence at first. It wasn't awkward or anything. We really did seem to be back on good terms. Kizna doesn't usually hold grudges against me for long. How else could we work as partners, seeing as how she's always getting mad at me over something or other. I don't think that we felt like talking because any sort of conversation would eventually lead to that taboo topic that would probably cause some form of discomfort. Not that that sort of thing usually bothers me, but it would be my discomfort, and I wasn't feeling particularly masochistic at the moment.

So we reached the end of the hallway, and I knew that Kizna had some repairer duties to attend to, so it was time to open up my mouth and speak.

"Kizna-"

"You look a little stressed," she commented, cutting me off.

"Huh?"

"You haven't been acting like yourself lately. That's pat of why I've been annoyed with you. You've got to take a step back and figure out what's really important to you. Stop pretending that things are good when they're not. You need to sort things out so you can get back to being yourself. Is any of this getting through your thick skull?"

"I guess." That girl can be insightful in her little tirades.

"Good," she said, giving me an affectionate pat on the head. "We'll talk later, ne?" she asked, gazing at me seriously.

I nodded.

"All right, well, I have to go and get some work done. See you later." She started to leave, then whirled around. "And if you ever embarrass me like you did before class this morning, I will annihilate you." With that, she made her exit.

I smiled.as I watched her go, a soft chuckle escaping my lips.

Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without that girl. She really does keep me grounded.

* * * * *

I decided that I needed to be well rested for tomorrow, so I planned to spend the afternoon alone in my room. However, after sitting around in my room for about 20 minutes, I began to grow bored. Instead of focusing on my pro-ing match and resting, I started to think about what Kizna said. Not that it was some sort of momentous speech or anything, but her simple words made sense.

I was letting everything that was going on around me distract me. I didn't know how to deal with so many new situations. Life on the colony had been simple, it hadn't prepared me for life as a candidate for goddess. Since I didn't know how to deal with things, I was just letting everything build up inside of me and it was stressing me out.

I guess.

I don't know.

I had the sudden urge to bang my head against the wall.

I should be happy. I'm living my dream. That's pretty good in itself. Kizna and I were back on pleasant terms, and I had finally been freed of that suffocating relationship. Yep, life is good.

I miss Hiead.

God, it's only been a day. Why am I acting so weird?

Stupid Hiead.

This was not the greatest thing to be thinking about when I was trying to focus on my pro-ing match and rest. Pro-ings and rest. Pro-ings and rest. Pro-rest, pro-rest, pro-rest! That's the spirit! I feel refreshed and inspired.

I want Hiead.

I decided that it would be good to take a nice walk around the room. I was soon back to the right train of thinking and was imagining the feeling of being in a cockpit and the warm presence that accompanied it.

It was about then that I found myself tangled up on the floor. It was also at that time that I discovered that I had a third hand... and a fourth. I could also feel my legs gravitating towards indecent angles.

I stared in shock at the silver hair pressed under my chin as a warm pair of lips pressed rough kisses against my throat.

"What do you think you're doing?" I cried incredulously, attempting to shove Hiead off of me.

"What the hell does it look like?" he growled into my ear. Then he nipped at my jaw. It kind of hurt.

I tried to come up with some sort of witty retort but failed. I finally settled for the obvious. "You just told me that this relationship was killing you, that it was over... Any of this ringing a bell?"

Hiead paused in his current ministrations so that he could look me in the eye.

"Oh, yes, I'm definitely finished with that lapse of judgment."

That goddamed smirk of his, it really made me want to punch him in the face, which I would have done, too, if I wasn't so incredibly confused. "Okay, so if you're finished with that, then why are you currently... um, well, unbuttoning my pants?" I swatted his hands away from my waist in annoyance as I spoke.

Hiead just continued to smirk, then bowed his head down for better access to my neck. He began to leave a trail of sharp bites along my throat.

"Cut it out, that hurts," I growled. I gave him another shove, but Hiead remained unmoved.

Hiead just smirked and brushed his lips harshly over mine. "The honeymoon's over, Precious."

A sharp pain suddenly overtook me.

That goddamed bastard.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Oh yes, the bitch is back.

Well, I was talking about Hiead, but I guess it applies to me too *__*

Ah, I look forward to Zero's next course of action. Wha ha ha. It's so much friendlier with Pooh. Or sociopathical Hiead. Whatever I just said. Did I mention that I love Crazy HieadTM? But don't worry, dearies, Zero ain't no victim. Don't you fangirls go getting any ideas... ::this from the club treasurer of the fangirls...::

You know what the biggest pain is about writing MK fanfiction? The series isn't complete. I mean, there are still so many unanswered questions. We're not going to discuss my terrifying theory of brotherhood. Long live Hiead and Zero making out. Yay!

::hides from projectiles::