Brenda didn't usually eat lunch alone but today she was enjoying the solitude, and the sunshine. Back in Minnesota she would never have been able to eat her lunch outside in November. The weather was one of the many things that she loved about LA. Feeling the sun on her back and the warm breeze blowing through her hair made her feel alive. She'd spent most of the weekend with Dylan and for the first time in a long time she'd felt relaxed and happy in his company. Sure they still hadn't resolved their college issues but today she couldn't help feeling that everything would work out fine in the end. She still had 20 minutes of lunch period left and she intended to enjoy it by losing herself in her book. Five minutes later she was so deliciously engrossed that she didn't notice Kelly until she spoke.
"Mind if I join you?"
"Sure." Brenda put her book down and looked at Kelly expectantly. They hadn't spoken since the argument on Friday and Brenda wasn't quite sure how she was going to respond. She badly wanted to make up with Kelly but she still felt a little angry about the way Kelly had been treating her lately.
Kelly must have picked up on Brenda's hostility because she didn't sit down. Instead she stood looking uncomfortable and fiddled nervously with the strap of her bag. "So I tried to call you yesterday. Your mom said you were at the beach".
"Yeah well I decided that I needed some quality time with Dylan". She smiled ruefully "We agreed not to mention College".
"Look Brenda what I said on Friday. I'd had a lousy day; I took it out on you". Kelly hesitated "I'm sorry."
"You know Kelly it seems like you've had a lot of lousy days lately".
"I know".
Brenda waited but Kelly didn't appear to be forthcoming with an explanation. The tension between them was palpable and eventually Brenda could stand it no more. "Ever since I've got back from Paris you've seemed really down. Something's obviously bothering you. I know we haven't exactly been getting along lately but I'm still your friend. Whatever it is you can tell me."
Kelly hesitated touched by Brenda's words but at the same time struggling with the nagging little voice in her head that kept reminding her that she was betraying her best friend. The best friend who was looking at her now with eyes filled with concern. She so desperately wanted everything to be okay between them again but how could it be when she was seeing Dylan behind Brenda's back? When she and Dylan had agreed to go ahead with their relationship she'd thought it was what she wanted. She'd thought that she could handle seeing Brenda, that it wouldn't be any different to the last few months. She'd been wrong.
Her emotions were in turmoil and she really needed someone to talk to right now but of course she couldn't. This was something that she couldn't talk to anyone about, not to Donna, not to Jackie and certainly not to Brenda. But Brenda was waiting for an answer and Kelly knew that she wouldn't let it go until she found out what the problem was. Inwardly she cursed her stupidity. She should have thought this through more carefully. Brenda knew her too well, could always tell when something was wrong. Now she was shaping up for a heart to heart. She would have to say something to satisfy Brenda. She decided to try to be vague. "I don't know I guess it's a lot of things."
"Like what?" Brenda sensed that Kelly was on the verge of opening up to her. She was obviously debating whether to say anything or not. She knew from experience that Kelly usually needed only a little encouragement to unburden her troubles.
Kelly sighed. If she was honest she had known that Brenda was too good a friend to let her off the hook that easily. Of course she couldn't tell Brenda everything but she could explain to Brenda how she'd been feeling during the last few months. She couldn't really place when it had first started, perhaps when Jake had left, or when Erin was born, maybe even before that when her mom had first got together with Mel. She didn't know if she would be able to explain it to Brenda, wasn't even sure if she understood it herself. But Brenda was such a good listener maybe it would help to confide in her. In a gesture of submission she finally sat down next to Brenda on the grass. "I suppose I'm just feeling kinda lonely at the moment".
"Lonely". Brenda frowned that just didn't make sense. Not only did Kelly have her friends but she also had a brand new family. For once in her life Kelly was surrounded by people who cared about her. "I don't understand. Why would you be lonely?"
Kelly paused for a moment considering her answer. Until she'd tried to explain it to Brenda, she hadn't really rationalised her feelings. "I guess it's partly the college stuff. I just can't get in to it. I mean I have absolutely no idea what I want to do next year, and I don't even know if I can handle College. Hearing everybody talking about it kinda makes me feel left out".
"Kelly I feel terrible. I just assumed you weren't interested in College. Why didn't you say something?"
Brenda was shocked that she could have gotten things so wrong. She coloured remembering all the times she'd bombarded Kelly with talk of her College choices and the exciting times that lay ahead. But even worse was the realisation that her best friend had felt unable to confide in her. Brenda had always considered herself a good friend. She knew that Brandon sometimes accused her of being self-absorbed. Did this mean that he was right?
It was only really now that Kelly was realising just how excluded she had been feeling. Why hadn't she spoken to Brenda about it? She knew the answer before she'd even really formulated the question.
"Well you were so excited about it all, and then when Donna started talking about art school. I just didn't want to spoil things". She hesitated before admitting the real reason "Besides I wanted you to think that I wasn't interested in College. I figured that if I pretended that I was too cool to go to College, you wouldn't think I was such a loser if I didn't go". She shrugged "I know it sounds stupid after all this time but I guess I still want you to look up to me in some way. Does that make any sense?"
Brenda smiled. "Yeah actually it does". Their friendship had always had this competitive edge. When Brenda had first moved to Beverly Hills she had desperately wanted to be accepted as part of Kelly's 'in crowd'. Kelly had set the standards that the others, including Brenda had tried to follow. It was only when they had truly become friends that Kelly had admitted to Brenda that she craved Brenda's approval and acceptance of her. So in a way they were quits each always concerned about the other's opinion.
"You know Kelly your plan worked. I mean I did begin to wonder if I was some kind of geek for being so in to the College thing when you weren't."
"Really?" Kelly raised an eyebrow.
Brenda smiled "Yeah but only for like a second. Then I knew I was right."
They both laughed and it felt good. It had been a long time since they'd talked like this. Since things were going so well Brenda decided to prolong the discussion. "So all this has been about College?"
Kelly hesitated for a moment. She was off the hook and it would be so easy to just stop there, let Brenda think that was all there was to it. But it had felt so good to finally open up and talk to someone. She'd really missed talking to Brenda and having bottled things up for so long she felt the need to let them out. "I've been feeling pretty out of it at home too."
Again Brenda was puzzled. She thought Kelly had been spending most of her time with her new family lately. She knew Kelly had had a hard time accepting her mom's relationship with Mel Silver, especially when Jackie had announced her pregnancy. But she'd thought Kelly had got over that, was happy that her mom had got her life back on track. She'd been thrilled when Erin was born. She'd even seemed to be getting along with David.
"But I thought that's why you didn't go to Paris this summer, so you could spend time with your mom and Erin, be a proper family".
"It was, and don't get me wrong I love Erin. It's just that when my mom came out of rehab we got really close you know. For the first time in my life I actually felt like I had a mother".
She paused picking up Brenda's book and studying the cover without really taking it in. "Now she has Mel and Erin it's like she has a new family and she doesn't have time for me anymore. I know it sounds selfish but I feel like just when I was getting to know her she got taken away from me".
Kelly was surprised to find herself close to tears. She hadn't realised quite how miserable she'd been feeling. It was now becoming clear to her just how she had fallen for Dylan so hard and so fast. She'd been feeling vulnerable and lonely and he'd been there to provide the support. It was too late now of course because now she loved him and there was nothing she could do to change that.
Seeing how upset Kelly was, Brenda was sympathetic - she knew how much Kelly desperately craved a happy family life. When she'd first met Jackie Taylor she'd been jealous of Kelly. Jackie was rich and glamorous and treated Kelly as an adult. Brenda had even wished her own mother were more like Jackie. But when Jackie publicly humiliated Kelly by appearing at a mother-daughter fashion show drunk and high on coke, Brenda had realised what Kelly's life was really like. That was when Kelly had first opened up to Brenda. Brenda thought of it as the start of their friendship.
"Have you tried talking to her, explaining how you feel?" Brenda knew that whenever she had a problem with her mom, talking things through always helped.
Kelly sighed. "It's not that easy. I mean we've only just got to the point where we can talk to each other. Besides she's got enough to think about at the moment you know with the new baby and everything."
Brenda didn't really know what it was like to have a new baby in the house but from what her mom had told her about when she and Brandon were little she imagined that Jackie Taylor was being kept extremely busy and could do without her elder daughter's problems right now. She had imagined that things had been perfect for Kelly, finally being part of a real family after all these years but she could see how the reality might not match up to the dream.
Brenda felt awful. Kelly had been going through all this stuff and she had been too wrapped up in her own problems with Dylan to notice. She should have been there for her friend.
"Kelly I'm your best friend why didn't you tell me you were feeling like this?"
"Because ever since you got back from Paris you've been different. All these exciting things are starting to happen for you. First there was Paris, and Rick, then you made that documentary for 'Back Story' and now you're talking about going away to College. I don't know I suppose I'm a little jealous and I feel like you're leaving me behind. You know like you don't need me anymore, you're moving on to bigger things. I guess I didn't feel like I could really talk to you and at the same time I didn't want you to know that things weren't going well for me".
Brenda frowned; there it was again that competitive thing. She remembered the first Christmas they had been living in Beverly Hills. She and Brandon and her parents had flown back to Minnesota. They'd spent Christmas at her grandma's playing charades and watching old movies. She'd been so jealous and impressed when Kelly had told her all about her vacation at an exclusive resort in Barbados. Months later Kelly had admitted that she'd lied in order to impress Brenda. She'd actually spent Christmas in Beverly Hills only a bottle of vodka for company whilst her mom was out getting coked up with some guy and her Dad hadn't even called her from Barcelona.
At least Kelly was being honest with her now. She guessed with everything that had been going on lately she hadn't really considered things from Kelly's perspective. The important thing now was that Kelly realised that Brenda was still there for her.
"Okay first of all Rick was a mistake, 'Back Story' was a disaster, and I haven't decided where I'm going to College next year. Second of all nothings changed Kelly, I'm still your best friend". She paused becoming serious again. "No matter what happens next year we'll always be close and you'll always be able to talk to me. Okay?"
Kelly wished that she could believe that but knew that she couldn't. Nevertheless she nodded to appease Brenda's concerned expression.
"Right now promise me that you won't bottle things up again. That you'll talk to me next time, whatever the problem is."
"Okay I promise". Kelly found that she couldn't quite meet Brenda's eyes.
"Good." Brenda relaxed. "The most important thing is that we're honest with each other. If we don't have that then we don't have anything." She smiled. It felt great to have cleared the air. She'd missed having her best friend to talk to. Now everything would be back to normal.
"You know I think this moment calls for ice cream. I'm thinking chocolate chip – double scoops, what do you think?"
Kelly smiled weakly "Absolutely".