"Dylan! I thought you were seeing Brenda tonight." Kelly was pleased if a little surprised to hear from him. She had come to understand that spending her evenings alone, knowing he was with Brenda was one of the inevitable downsides of being the 'other woman'. But she couldn't complain. She'd gone in to this with her eyes open. Unlike Brenda she thought guiltily, who had no idea what Dylan was really doing when he wasn't with her. Not for the first time she wondered how she had allowed herself to get in to this mess. She knew that what she was doing was wrong and she hated herself for doing it. But the fact was she couldn't help it. She loved him.
A tiny part of her knew that whether he intended to or not Dylan was walking all over her heart. Right now she wasn't being fair to herself and she certainly wasn't being fair to Brenda. She should force the issue; ask him to choose between them. But she didn't have the courage. Because if truth were told she was afraid of what that choice might be. And so she didn't pressure or push, because having Dylan even on these terms was infinitely better than not having him at all.
At the other end of the line Dylan hesitated "Change of plans". He said tightly. "She had some studying to do".
"Really?" As Brenda's best friend she understood how important college was to Brenda. Finals were only two weeks away and she knew that Brenda was majorly freaked. Guiltily she eyed the unopened chemistry textbook that lay next to her on the bed. She should be studying herself. So far she'd hardly opened a book. If she didn't do something soon she'd be in danger of flunking out. But right now the finals seemed light years away. There was plenty of time to prepare for them. Besides at the moment her mind refused to focus on anything but Dylan. She smiled. There was no getting away from it. She had it bad.
Dylan gritted his teeth. His heart was thumping and his mouth had gone dry. He closed his eyes, focusing on his breathing.
"Dylan? You still there?" he'd been quiet for so long Kelly wondered if they'd got cut off.
"Yeah I'm still here." He spoke so softly she had to strain to hear him.
"Look Kel I've been thinking" he started
"Well I've been thinking too." She interrupted "You know what I've been thinking?"
"What?" He rasped, his voice sounding strange even to his own ears.
She smiled "I've been thinking that I really don't feel much like studying right now. How about I come over". Ceremoniously she pushed the textbook on to the floor. "I'm sure that together we can find something much more fun to do ".
Leaning back against the wall Dylan closed his eyes and let out a breath. The moment had passed and he hadn't said it. Now he was glad. There would have been no going back. It was for the best, he just wasn't ready. Not yet. Taking a deep breath he recovered his composure "I'll be waiting."
'Great!' She enthused.
He smiled, she sounded so happy. Then he thought of Brenda, home alone and the smile faded.
Brenda put down her pen and closed her chemistry book with a satisfactory bang. She checked her watch 9.07pm. She'd been working solidly for the last few hours and she actually felt pretty good. She really had that last chapter nailed. She smiled feeling virtuous.
Thinking back to events earlier in the evening, her smile faded. Although she and Dylan hadn't exactly argued she sensed that things weren't quite right between them. She couldn't shake the fear that her father was right and that she and Dylan were two very different people destined to live very different lives.
Feeling the need for some quality girl talk and a little relationship advice she reached for the phone. A few moments later a disappointed Brenda replaced the receiver. David had promised to pass on her message but he had no idea where Kelly was or when she'd be back. He'd sounded a little annoyed at the disturbance so she hadn't stayed on the line for long. She couldn't really blame him, Donna had confided that he was working round the clock to get ready for finals.
She considered calling Donna but quickly vetoed the idea. Between helping David and trying to study herself, Donna had enough problems of her own at the moment. Brenda didn't really want to burden her with her worries about Dylan. Besides she was confident that Kelly would call her back, she always did. In the mean time a nice long bubble bath was just what she needed.
Brenda checked her watch again. It had been almost an hour and Kelly still hadn't called. She was tempted to call again but didn't want to risk annoying David anymore than she already had. Edgy and unable to settle to anything until things were resolved, Brenda knew that she wouldn't get any sleep tonight until she'd sorted things out with Dylan. She just wasn't sure what she was going to say.
When the phone rang Dylan groaned. Rolling over in bed he pulled an arm free from the tangled sheets and reached for the phone.
Kelly sighed "Don't answer it. I don't want anything to spoil tonight. Let the machine pick it up".
He smiled "Fine by me" Then leaned over sliding his hands around her back and pulling her on top of him. "Now where were we?"
'Hey this is Dylan, you know the drill'
Inwardly Brenda cursed. She'd gotten the damned machine. Caught off guard she struggled to compose her message. "Dylan it's me". She hesitated "I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings today. I didn't mean to." Another pause "This afternoon you told me that you loved me and that we would get through this." She took a deep breath "I wish I could believe that Dylan but I can't help feeling that we're drifting apart. I don't think our relationship can survive my going away to college." She faltered just for a moment then continued firmly. "I don't want to lose you Dylan. And if it means saving our relationship then I won't go away to school, I'll stay here with you". She had surprised herself with that final admission, but in her heart she knew that it was the only way to hold on to him. "I love you Dylan, you mean everything to me". There was nothing else to say. Biting her lip, she hung up.
"Don't Dylan". Kelly tried to extricate herself from his embrace.
Dylan sighed heavily and rolled away from her. Lying on his back, he struggled to a sitting position leaning back against the headboard and turned to face her. She was already out of bed and starting to gather her clothes together. When she spoke it was obvious that she was upset. "I have to go home, I can't stay here tonight."
"Kel just come back to bed we can talk about this". He sounded calm but his head was spinning. Brenda had just told him that she was willing to stay in LA. For him! Was that what she really wanted? Was it what he wanted? This afternoon he'd been afraid that he and Brenda were facing separate futures. Now it seemed they might be following the same path after all.
Tears blurring her vision Kelly fumbled with the buttons on her blouse. Dammit she just couldn't seem to get them done up right. She felt sick. Dylan had told Brenda he loved her. He'd told Brenda that they would get through their current problems and manage to stay together. What had begun as a sweet romance now felt like a sordid affair. Whatever she had with Dylan could never compare to what he shared with Brenda. She knew that now. Brenda and Dylan had a history. They had been through so much together, good times and bad.
Dylan could have walked away at anytime but he hadn't. This latest development just confirmed her fears that Dylan would never willingly give up Brenda. She had been a fool to allow herself to fall in love with him. No matter what happened, she wasn't the one he would always think of as the great love of his life. That was a title that would always be reserved for Brenda Walsh, Kelly was convinced of that. She had captured his interest but not his heart. He had been having problems with Brenda and had turned to her for comfort. She had broken her cardinal rule, she had made herself vulnerable and now she was going to pay the price.
Sitting down on the edge of the bed she gave way to the tears of pain and frustration that had been threatening since Brenda's phone call. Dylan's strong arms enveloped her. "Don't" she tried to push him away but Dylan held on, saying nothing until her tears subsided.
Gently he lifted her chin forcing her to look him in the eyes. "Kelly what's wrong?"
"What's wrong?" She asked bitterly. "You told her you loved her Dylan. That's what's wrong"
"But you already knew that." He said gently. "I've never lied to you about my feelings for Brenda".
She laughed but there was no mirth in it. "Of course I knew it. God everybody knows it. It'll be in the year book Brenda Walsh and Dylan McKay couple most likely to stay together". She sighed "But it didn't stop me from hoping Dylan. Hoping that maybe just maybe you might actually feel something for me." She broke away from him putting some space between them on the bed. "You know I honestly thought that you were going to leave her. How could I have been so stupid?" She shook her head in disbelief seeing at last how it had been. "I convinced myself that we could be together; that what we have is special because I wanted to believe it. But it's not real Dylan. What you have with Brenda that's real. I understand it all perfectly now. We don't have a relationship, we never did. I'm just the one you run to when you have problems with her. And now she's gonna be around next year, and the two of you are going to 'get through this' just like you always do. That's the truth isn't it Dylan?" She knew she sounded bitter but she couldn't help it.
"You're wrong Kel". He said firmly. "It's not like that. It's just that my feelings for you and Brenda are..". He paused searching for the right word "complicated."
"Really". She nodded her understanding "Well then maybe it's time I uncomplicated them for you!"
Dylan reached out and took hold of her hands. She was shaking violently. "Please Kel. You've got it all wrong". He hesitated choosing his next words carefully "This situation isn't easy for me you know. You just have to give me some time".
By now she was too angry to listen to his reasoning. "Time. Of course. You just need time." Her temper flared "You've had time Dylan. Lots of time. We've been dancing around this issue for months now. But you still don't seem any closer to figuring out what it is you want". She sighed, her anger abating as quickly as it had arrived. "I just need to know Dylan. I can't go on like this. I need to know if this relationship has a chance. I need to know who you want to be with." Her anger had finally given her the strength to confront him. She only hoped his answer would be the one she so desperately wanted to hear.
He took a deep breath. His emotions were in turmoil. Brenda's announcement had changed everything. He felt as though someone had altered all the rules of the game without telling him. If he'd been confused before he was even more uncertain now. He simply didn't know what or more specifically who he wanted. The only thing he could do was to be honest with her. "I do want to be with you Kelly. I have done for a long time."
"And Brenda?" She asked suspiciously
"I don't know". He shook his head helplessly "I love Brenda, maybe I always will. But I don't know if that means I should be with her." He hesitated "I know you want an answer but I can't give one, not yet". Seeing her face fall he continued "But I do know that I need you Kelly. I can't lose you"
She studied him intently trying to read his expression. Despite his words she still wasn't convinced. "If that's true then why do I get the feeling that I'm only here right now because she's not?"
He tried again "I do love you Kel. What can I do to make you believe that?"
When she looked at him there was challenge in her eyes. She spoke the words so softly that Dylan had to strain to catch them "Tell Brenda about us."
He didn't answer. For a long time they just looked at each other then Kelly shook her head in exasperation "Well I guess I got my answer". She picked up her stuff and stormed out leaving him alone with his thoughts. The door banged behind her but Dylan made no move to follow. Sitting on the bed he was silent as the tears slid down his cheeks.