Kelly Taylor was bored and miserable but she wasn't sick, unless of course you counted a broken heart as a medical ailment. Sure she'd thrown up last night when she'd got back from Dylan's but as much she tried to convince herself that it was the flu or something she'd eaten, she knew that it was a physical reaction to the emotional turmoil she was feeling. It was always the same. She remembered when David's friend Scott Scanlon had died, she'd been sick for a week and she'd hardly even known the guy.
No she wasn't sick, she just couldn't face the world today. All she really wanted to do was crawl under the covers and pretend that last night never happened. Yet she couldn't get it out of her mind. Dylan loved Brenda and ultimately when it came to it he would choose Brenda. When he hadn't answered her last night she had known it was true. Until that point she'd still had a glimmer of hope, but his silence had snuffed that out. He'd probably called Brenda right after she left, she thought bitterly. She wondered if he'd even tried to call her last night. She'd switched the phone off. She hadn't wanted to talk to him. Hadn't wanted to talk to anyone actually. Luckily David had got the message and had left her alone. She wasn't sure how she would have explained her tears.
She knew she would have to face things soon. She'd managed to convince her mom that she was sick today but although her mom was preoccupied right now she wasn't stupid. If Kelly didn't get herself together soon, Jackie would start asking questions. Hiding wasn't the answer, but right now it was her only way of coping. Not only had Dylan broken her heart last night, he had humiliated her. She never wanted to see him again and she knew she couldn't face Brenda.
The house was quiet for once; mercifully Erin had finally stopped crying. Kelly was tired. She'd been awake most of the night unable to get Brenda's words out of her head. She lay back against the pillow and closed her eyes, vaguely aware of a fly buzzing by the open window and the sound of a car radio outside.
When the knock on her bedroom door woke her she was surprised to find that she'd been asleep for several hours. At first still groggy she thought that last night had been a dream. But as her eyes slowly grew accustomed to the light, reality returned, along with the awful realisation that Dylan didn't want her. Kelly groaned and pulled the covers back over her head.
Another knock on her bedroom door interrupted her gloomy thoughts. Kelly frowned, she wasn't in the mood for David's brand of company right now. Perhaps if she stayed real quiet he'd think she was asleep and leave her alone. But the knocking was persistent. When she could stand it no more she raised her voice "Go away David I'm trying to sleep."
Hearing the door open she snapped "David, I said go away!"
"I just came to see how you were" Dylan spoke softly as if he were afraid of how she might react.
Kelly was furious. Pulling the covers free from her face she glared at him angrily "How the hell did you get in here?"
"Jackie and Mel let me in on their way out". He was almost apologetic.
"Really. Well you can just turn round and go straight back out again." She would have to have words with Jackie later.
Dylan took a step towards her "Look Kel I need to talk to you." Perhaps he should have given her more time; obviously she was still mad at him.
She shook her head "Oh no, it's way too late for talking. Last night was when I needed you to talk to me Dylan". She sighed "But last night you didn't have anything to say did you?" It wasn't really a question more an accusation.
Tentatively he took another step forwards "Last night I was confused. I didn't know what I wanted."
"And now?" Kelly tried to keep her voice even "Do you know what you want now?" She already knew the answer but she needed to hear him say it.
Dylan looked at her intently. He had rehearsed this on the drive over but now he was standing in front of her the words were all jumbled in his head. "Right now I don't know who or what I want" he answered honestly. He had decided that he had to tell her the truth. He hadn't been honest with Brenda earlier and ever since he had berated himself for his cowardice. He'd vowed that he wouldn't make the same mistake with Kelly. He sat down tiredly on the edge of the bed "But I do know one thing."
Kelly regarded him suspiciously. "And what's that?"
Dylan took a deep breath "I don't want to lose you Kel. I think we might have something special here" He paused "I want to find out if I'm right."
"So what exactly are you saying?" She asked, her voice losing some of its earlier hostility.
"I guess I'm saying that right now this is all I can offer you." He hesitated trying to find the right words. "I'm just not ready to make a choice, not yet anyway." He shifted uncomfortably, knowing that it wasn't what she wanted to hear. "But I don't want what we have to end." He took a deep breath "If that's not enough for you then just say so. I'll walk out of this room right now and we can forget this ever happened". He looked at her imploringly "but you've gotta know that I do love you Kel."
Kelly's head was spinning and she was finding it difficult to take all this in. Only minutes earlier she'd thought that it was all over, that Brenda had won. Now Dylan had put her right back in the game. Question was did she still want to play?
She'd asked him to make a choice and he couldn't do it. Now he had shifted the responsibility to her. She had the opportunity to take control of the situation, something she should have done a long time ago. She knew that she had been weak when it came to Dylan. She should never have let it go on for so long without asking him to commit. She sighed. If their roles had been reversed she knew that Brenda would never have been so passive.
The way she saw it there were really only two choices. She could end all this now, ask him to walk out of her life, or she could continue to share him with Brenda until he felt ready to make a decision. And of course there was no guarantee that after all that waiting he would actually choose her.
Kelly hesitated, talk about caught between a rock and a hard place. What he was offering was definitely not enough, but was the alternative any better? If she said that it was fine he would continue seeing her without ever making any real commitment. But she knew full well that if she told him to walk away, she would be sending him straight in to the arms of Brenda. She frowned. Unwittingly he had put her in an impossible situation. She couldn't win whatever she did.
Dylan watched her carefully trying to read her expression. She'd been quiet for an awful long time. He had taken a risk by being truthful with her, a risk he hadn't dared to take with Brenda. Already he was starting to regret his honesty. It had seemed the right thing to do on the drive over, but now he wasn't so sure.
He sighed. He wasn't really a gambling man but he was playing some pretty deep odds here. He didn't want to lose her, had no intention of walking out of her life, but he knew that it was important to be honest about their situation. He had never lied to her about his feelings for Brenda, but he may have given her the impression that his relationship with Brenda was nearing an end. He knew that she deserved to know the truth, deserved to know that he wasn't ready to give up on Brenda just yet.
He was aware that he hadn't been playing fair over the past few months. He wasn't proud of the way he had behaved but he couldn't help himself. He had selfishly gone after what he wanted, allowing both girls to believe that they had a future with him because he simply couldn't choose between them. He was surprised Kelly hadn't called him on it sooner. He smiled ruefully, Brenda wouldn't be so accommodating if she ever found out what he'd done!
Now Kelly had decided to make a stand, had issued an ultimatum. She had demanded that he make a choice. But still Dylan didn't want to take that responsibility. He had almost confessed everything to Brenda today, put the decision in her hands. But he had been too afraid of what she might do, afraid that he would lose her.
Things were a little different with Kelly, she already knew about Brenda. She'd gone in to this relationship with her eyes open. At least that's what he told himself every time he felt bad about the way he was treating her. But now even that had stopped working. Now he felt bad about both of them and he couldn't handle it anymore.
He didn't want his relationship with Kelly to end, but he asked her to make the final decision. And it was only right that she knew exactly what choosing him would mean. It was a courtesy that he should have given Brenda he thought bitterly. But right now he couldn't afford to think about Brenda, he'd had his chance to talk to her at school today and he'd blown it. She'd promised to call him later. Maybe he could have another go at working out his issues with her then. Maybe.
He would worry about Brenda later, right now he was more concerned about what Kelly was going to do. Sure he had offered her a way out but he was gambling that despite everything she would choose him. He just hoped that she wasn't about to call his bluff. Finding himself unable to sit still any longer he got up off the bed and began to pace the room.
Kelly observed Dylan's pacing. The rate he was going he'd wear the carpet out. Usually he kept a tight reign on his feelings, at least outwardly, but right now he was clearly agitated. She knew he was waiting for an answer but her decision was anything but simple. Her head was telling her to walk away from this. A million reasons raced through her mind - he was just using her, he wasn't committed, she was betraying her best friend, she deserved better. But her heart was screaming to be with him, desperate even for a part of him no matter how small.
She closed her eyes willing herself to be strong. She wanted to have the courage to end it, to walk away with her self-respect still in tact. She focused her mind on Brenda, how devastated she would be if she found out, how it would mean the end of their friendship forever. She thought about how it would affect the rest of her friends, this relationship had the potential to rip the group apart. She thought about how hard she had worked to bury her reputation. The discovery of this affair could undo all that. Then she forced herself to imagine what her life would be like without Dylan. It was no good she couldn't stand the thought of him walking out of her life again. She'd been there before and it was something she was loathed to repeat. She could feel her resolve weakening.
She tried again to talk herself out of it. No matter how much he said he loved her, Dylan was using her. In the old days she had let men use her mercilessly, but it was something she'd taken great care to avoid ever since. That was until Jake of course. She sighed, Jake had been a master at manipulation and she'd allowed herself to fall for his charms, only to watch helplessly as he rode off in to the sunset and no doubt on to the next vulnerable young girl. Jake had been Dylan's mentor and that should tell her something.
Then of course there was the fact that it was pretty unlikely she and Dylan could make it work, with or without Brenda in the picture. She smiled ruefully. With her track record with relationships, it was likely that this one would end in tears - her tears, just as it had with Jake.
But no matter how many reasons her mind supplied, her heart simply wouldn't be swayed. She loved him and she wanted to be with him. Feeling her willpower slip away she'd tried desperately to think of the negatives. Squeezing her eyes even tighter shut she thought again about Brenda and how hurt she would be.
Dylan stopped pacing and slumped down on the floor at the end of the bed. As he watched her wrestle with the decision he realised that he had no idea what she was going to say. As bad as it had been trying to choose between them, this was infinitely worse. At least before he'd been the one in control of what happened. Now there was nothing he could do but sit and wait.
Kelly opened her eyes and studied Dylan surreptitiously. He was now sitting on the floor, his back against the closet. His knees were pulled up to his chest and his head had dropped to his knees. His shirt had come untucked at the back and his hair was even spikier than usual, as if he had spent the last hour running his fingers through it. She sighed. If anything his current dishevelled state merely added to his appeal. They had been quiet for so long that when she finally spoke the sound of her voice startled him.