"Oh my God Kelly!"
Startled they sprang apart. Donna Martin stood in the doorway her mouth open in horrified surprise.
"Donna, it's not what it looks like, it's I ……. I can explain". Caught off guard Kelly stammered then lapsed in to a miserable silence.
For a moment Donna was too stunned to even respond. She eyed them suspiciously taking in their guilty expressions and Kelly's state of undress. When she did finally speak her tone was hostile. "Actually I think this is exactly what it looks like". She shook her head in disbelief. "How could you Kel? How could you do this to Brenda?"
A hundred different reasons died on Kelly's lips. She looked helplessly at Donna praying that somehow she would understand.
Dylan spoke firmly surprising both girls. "What happens between me and Kelly is nobody else's business".
Turning her attention away from Kelly, Donna rounded on him angrily "I think Brenda might have something to say about that don't you."
Dylan glared at her, he felt like a kid who just got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He was furious that he had been found out, but at the same time terrified of what she might do. His heart was hammering against his ribcage and he could feel the sweat trickling down the back of his neck. 'Donna is Brenda's friend' he thought desperately, 'she's bound to run straight to Brenda with this and then all hell will break loose'. He had to stop that from happening but how?
Taking a deep breath he forced himself to swallow his anger. Yelling at her would only make matters worse. Instead he had to make Donna understand how much it would hurt Brenda if she found out, what it would do to Brenda and Kelly's friendship. He had to make her see that keeping quiet was the best thing for everyone. Frantically he tried to find the right words but in its panicked state his mind refused to cooperate.
Seconds ticked painfully by as Donna shifted her gaze from Dylan back to Kelly. She kept hoping that this was just a bad dream and that any minute she would wake up and everything would be back to normal, but she had a feeling that things would never be quite the same again.
"What are you going to do?" Kelly asked quietly. She couldn't bear the way Donna was looking at her. Donna wasn't judgemental; she always tried to see the best in everyone. But there was a look in Donna's eyes right now that Kelly had never seen before. It was contempt, and that contempt was directed at her. Kelly felt horrible.
Donna found that she was trembling. Was it from shock or anger? Her head was spinning and she couldn't take all of this in. Five minutes ago all she'd been thinking about was the romantic evening she had planned with David. Now she'd stumbled upon a secret so shocking it had the potential to turn all their lives upside down.
If only she hadn't decided to drop by. She hadn't planned to. It had been a spur of the moment decision. She'd gotten everything done much quicker than she'd expected, and since she'd promised David at least another hour of study time, she hadn't wanted to go back to the library right away. She guessed she could have done some more studying herself, but she really couldn't face it, they'd done nothing but study lately. She had to pass by Kelly's place on the way back anyway, so why not stop by? Now she wished she'd gone straight to the library, a few more hours of study would have been much less painful than this.
She took a deep breath trying to get her emotions under control. "I don't know what I'm gonna do" she answered honestly, unconsciously backing away as if she wanted to distance herself from the situation as much as possible. "I need to think".
"Please Donna don't tell Brenda." Kelly begged putting her hand on Donna's arm in an attempt to stop her from leaving.
Donna flinched away from Kelly's touch. "I should tell her" she said firmly, her voice cold. She paused then looked intently at Kelly "No actually you should tell her".
"I know." Kelly was contrite. Only last night she had issued Dylan the ultimatum, demanded that he tell Brenda about their relationship. Now it looked as though she was going to get her wish. So why did she suddenly want to keep it a secret? For a long time she had felt guilty at betraying Brenda, but lately the guilt had been replaced by an intense need to have Dylan all to herself. Over the last few weeks she had come to view Brenda as her rival rather than her friend. All that had mattered was that Dylan chose her. She realised now that she'd actually stopped caring about how Brenda would feel if he did.
But now that Brenda was about to find out, Kelly felt differently. She didn't even want to imagine what this would do to Brenda, and she knew that things could never be the same between them. She loved Dylan, but suddenly she wasn't sure that she was ready for the fall out from their relationship. Compared to the prospect of a devastated and hostile Brenda, and the contempt of all of her friends, sneaking around for a few more weeks no longer sounded so bad. She'd thought she wanted this but now that it was actually going to happen, she wasn't so sure. But it was too late, the secret was out and it was only a matter of time before everyone knew.
Donna shook her head clearly agitated "I can't believe this. I can't believe you would do this. Brenda loves you Dylan. After everything she's gone through to be with you this is how you repay her! And you…" she glared at Kelly "You're her best friend. You're supposed to be the one person in the world she can count on no matter what. How could you do this to her?"
"Because I love him." Kelly said simply, forcing herself to meet Donna's critical gaze.
"Since when?" Donna asked sceptically. She couldn't take all this in, it was just too weird.
"Look Donna we didn't plan this it just sorta happened". Dylan interrupted. "It's not like we deliberately set out to hurt Brenda". He knew he was being defensive but he couldn't help it. Donna had hit a nerve, forced him to recognise how badly he was treating Brenda.
"When did it start?" Donna asked quietly.
Dylan shook his head "It doesn't really matter".
"When?" Donna repeated. "Last week? Last month? When?" She wondered just how long this had been going on right under her nose.
"The summer" Dylan mumbled refusing to meet her eyes.
"What!" Donna exclaimed. "Brenda said that you saw someone this summer but she figured it was someone from your program. Are you actually telling me it was Kelly?" She was astounded.
"Yes." He admitted reluctantly.
Donna frowned in concentration "But you told Brenda that it didn't mean anything" she said slowly. She ticked her glance over to Kelly who looked pale and scared. "So were you lying to Brenda then when you said it didn't mean anything or are you lying to Kelly now when you say that it does?" she asked sharply.
Dylan hesitated and ran a hand through his hair in frustration. He knew that there was no right answer to this question, whatever he said he would make himself sound like a low life creep. Maybe he was a low life creep, he certainly felt like one right now. Donna had put him in a real awkward position. He shifted uncomfortably as both girls awaited his answer.
"Look this thing between us it just kinda happened over the summer" he said carefully. "But we broke up right before you and Brenda got back from Paris. We both love Brenda and neither of us wanted to hurt her". Donna frowned at that, but let it go, so Dylan continued. "When I told Brenda that it didn't mean anything I thought I was telling the truth, I thought we were finished." He looked at her intently "We tried to stay away from each other we really did but…" he sighed. "We just couldn't do it." He shrugged helplessly "We started up again a few weeks ago."
Slowly everything began to fall in to place for Donna. She turned to Kelly in sudden realisation. "So that's why you were so moody when we first got home, and why you were so horrible to Brenda all the time. God and to think we were actually worried about you!" It was all making sense now, how could she have been so stupid? "All those times you said you were babysitting or at the dentist or studying, you were with him weren't you?" Kelly nodded miserably. "And you" She pointed accusingly at Dylan "That's why you've been fighting so much with Brenda about college. She couldn't understand why you didn't want to go away to school with her." She glared at Kelly who refused to meet her eyes "Well it sure makes sense now."
"Okay Donna you busted us" Dylan said irritably "So you wanna tell Brenda go ahead, phone's right inside give her a call, I'm sure she'll thank you for ruining her life."
"Dylan" Kelly admonished horrified at his attitude.
Donna scowled at him "I'm not the one ruining Brenda's life."
"Are you sure about that Donna? What do you think's gonna happen when you break the news to Brenda?" Dylan asked bitterly.
He knew he wasn't being fair but he was angry, angry for allowing himself to get caught out like this. Donna finding out had changed everything. He kicked at a piece of gravel in frustration. Now he would have to come clean with Brenda whether he wanted to or not. What happened after that was up to her. Maybe she would forgive him, and take him back, she had done before. But he knew that this time things were different. This time he'd cheated on her with her best friend and that was a tough thing to forgive.
He sighed. He and Brenda had had their share of problems and they'd always got through them, even when things had looked hopeless, but they'd never faced anything like this. This time it was different. Before he'd always known that he wanted to be with Brenda, that all that mattered was that they stayed together but this time he wasn't sure.
He'd never really cared about another girl whilst he'd been in love with Brenda, not really cared, the way he cared about Kelly. He scowled. How could he be in love with two people at the same time? It just didn't make any sense. How the hell was he going to explain it to Brenda? How could he expect her to understand when he didn't understand it himself?
He'd played things all wrong; he knew that now. He should have confessed everything to Brenda when she first got back from Paris. He'd almost done it when she told him about Rick. He'd admitted that he'd seen someone, but he'd lost his nerve, couldn't tell her it was Kelly. He'd convinced himself that it was for the best. The relationship had ended so what was the point of hurting her anymore than he already had? Besides he and Kelly had made a pact, agreed that they wouldn't tell; Kelly hadn't wanted to lose Brenda anymore than he had.
Now he realised that he should have told her when he had the chance. This was something that they should be facing together the way they always did. He should have talked to Brenda weeks ago, should never have let things get so out of control. Maybe if he'd told Brenda from the start things would never have progressed so far with Kelly. But it was no good thinking like that now. It was too late, because now he and Kelly were involved. They'd tried to break it off so many times but neither of them had been able to walk away.
He knew he was being selfish seeing both girls at the same time and he didn't feel good about it. He didn't want to be that guy. He wanted to be the type of guy that treated people right, but he was Dylan McKay not Brandon Walsh, and Dylan McKay didn't exactly have a great track record when it came to dealing with personal problems.
He was tempted to go home and get drunk right now. That way he wouldn't have to deal with any of this; he could just pretend that it wasn't happening. Running away from problems; that had been Dylan's style for a long time. He'd really thought he'd changed, that he'd learnt to handle things in a mature way rather than reaching for the bottle. Alright, he hadn't had a drink these last few weeks and boy had he been tempted, but that didn't mean he was handling things. He'd kept Kelly hanging on for weeks, letting her think that he was going to leave Brenda any day now. Today was the first time he'd been completely honest with her. As for Brenda, he hadn't even told her about Kelly. As far as she was concerned everything was fine between them. He sighed. It was the old days all over again; he'd just found a different method of running away that's all.
Too caught up in his own musings, Dylan didn't notice that Donna had gone very quiet. Leaning back against the doorframe and closing her eyes Donna desperately tried to figure out what to do for the best. She just couldn't seem to find a way out of this. Whatever she did Brenda was gonna get hurt. Right now they had important finals coming up, finals that could determine their future, at least for the next four years. If she told Brenda now, not only would she devastate her friend, she might ruin her chances of getting in to a decent college. This was going to tear Brenda's world apart, finals would be the last thing on her mind!
Right now Brenda was happy. She was concentrating on her finals, she'd sorted out her problems with Dylan, and she and Kelly were getting on better than they had in weeks. Okay, so it was an illusion, none of it was real and sooner or later Brenda was going to find that out, but did it have to be right now? Wouldn't it better for everyone if she waited until finals were safely out of the way before breaking the terrible news?
A tiny part of Donna wanted to run away, to pretend that she'd never found out. She liked her life as it was, she didn't want things to change and she knew that they would as soon as Brenda found out. Besides how could she tell Brenda something so painful and devastating? How would she ever find the words? And why should she? This wasn't her secret to tell. Maybe she should just forget all about it and leave it up to them to sort out their own mess.
But she knew that she couldn't run away, not from this. She couldn't let Brenda go on planning her life around Dylan when he wasn't committed. If she were any kind of friend she would tell Brenda straight away put an end to the illusion. She sighed. She could feel the beginnings of headache. This was way too big a secret for her to keep. She hated secrets. In her experience they were nearly always bad. She remembered the day when she'd discovered her mother's affair. Finding out had been terrible but not knowing was worse. At least once that secret had broken her parents had been able to start to work through their problems. Secrets and lies always ended up hurting someone. This one would be exactly the same.
If only she hadn't shown up at that moment. She would never have known, would have carried on blissfully ignorant. But she did know and there was no taking it back. She had to decide what she was going to do about it and she had to decide now. Every fibre of her being was screaming at her that she should run straight to Brenda. She wanted no part in this deception. If she kept quiet wouldn't she be just as guilty of betraying Brenda as they were? But did she really have the courage to go through with it?
Kelly had been watching Donna for the last few minutes. She felt awful putting Donna in this position, and she could see that she was struggling with the decision. "Please Donna just think about this" she begged. "If anyone's gonna tell Brenda it should be us. Let us do it properly, figure out what to say, pick the right moment you know?"
"Well you haven't exactly rushed to do it so far have you Kel? You should have told her from the start, that would have been the right moment." Donna couldn't help the accusatory tone. She could see that Kelly was genuinely upset but she was finding it hard to get past the feelings of anger and resentment that were threatening to overwhelm her.
"I wanted to tell her it's just. I don't know… it's complicated. I mean we broke up and I thought I was over it. By the time I realised I wasn't…. it was too late I was in too deep" Kelly stammered. "And besides Dylan thought we should wait" she added softly.
"I'll bet he did." Donna said angrily.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Kelly asked stung by Donna's sarcastic tone.
Donna shook her head sadly "Oh come on Kel isn't it obvious? He's using you. Brenda's been neglecting him so he's been fooling around with you."
"No Donna you're wrong". Kelly said with more conviction than she felt. "Dylan loves me. It's just that it's complicated right now".
"Yeah, real complicated" Donna said scathingly. Then seeing Kelly's distress she spoke more kindly "Look Kel I'm not trying to be mean it's just that if he really loved you he'd have told Brenda wouldn't he."
Dylan had had enough of this. It was one thing Donna passing judgment on his treatment of Brenda, but he wasn't gonna stand and listen to her run down his relationship with Kelly. "Look Donna you don't know anything about my feelings for Kelly" he said angrily.
"Well I know that you're not being fair to her right now or to Brenda" Donna said sharply "You can't play around with people's feelings like that Dylan. You have to decide who you want to be with."
"I know that Donna, that's what I've been trying to do" Dylan said tersely. "I care about both of them and right now I don't know what I want". He shook his head in disbelief. "Do you honestly think I'd choose to be in this situation?"
"I don't know" Donna said "Sounds to me like you're getting a pretty good deal."
"Really. Well then you're hearing it wrong, because believe me I'm not getting a good deal" Dylan said in exasperation.
"Funny but for some reason I'm having difficulty believing anything you say right now" Donna retorted.
"Stop it. Stop it both of you. I can't take any more of this" Kelly shouted making them both jump and stunning them in to silence.
Speaking more quietly she turned to Donna "Look Donna you have no idea how terrible I feel about what I've done to Brenda, and you're right there's no excuse. But I love him Donna. I can't help it". She looked at Donna hopefully "This whole thing is a mess, but you can make it a lot easier for all of us".
Suddenly Donna felt incredibly tired. Right now she held the fate of her friends in her hands and it seemed like a big responsibility. She imagined this must be what it felt like to be the president, always having to make decisions that affected people's lives. Some people might get off on the feelings of power, but not Donna, she hated the thought that she was responsible for what happened next. She knew that it was down to her to do the right thing, but she had no idea what that was. She stared back at Kelly helplessly, for the first time lost for words.
"Please Donna you can't tell her, you have to let me do it. If she finds out from somebody else…" She hesitated "Well it'll look like I'm hiding it from her".
"But you have been hiding it from her, you've been hiding it from her for months" Donna pointed out reasonably.
"I know and I know it's got to stop. Brenda needs to know what's been going on but please, it has to come from me". She paused and took a deep breath as if uncertain whether to continue "If I'm gonna have any chance at all of salvaging my friendship with Brenda I have to be the one to tell her. Please Donna you have to give me the chance to make things right" Kelly begged.
Donna looked at her incredulously "How on earth do you think you can make this right? Brenda's never gonna forgive you, you must realise that."
Kelly stared back in stunned silence, as she took in the implications of Donna's words. She knew that Donna was right. She guessed she'd always known it, but she'd never fully accepted it. In those moments, and there had been many of them, when her conscience had kept her awake at night, she'd tried to justify her behaviour. Brenda and Dylan had been having problems. Obviously Dylan wasn't the right guy for Brenda after all. It would be much better for Brenda in the long run if Dylan broke up with her now before things went too far. In a way she was doing Brenda a favour, saving her from wasting her life on the wrong guy. One day Brenda would thank her. When she and Dylan were married and Brenda was happily married to someone else they'd all laugh about this.
All those reasons might be perfectly valid, but none of them really mattered. What mattered was that she had done something that was inexcusable; she had betrayed her best friend. No matter how hard she tried to make things up to Brenda, no matter what she said or did, she would never be able to change that. Given time Brenda may eventually forgive Dylan, after all he'd cheated on her before and she'd taken him back, but in that moment Kelly felt that Brenda would never forgive her.
"Maybe we can't make it right" Dylan said softly interrupting Kelly's thoughts "But at least we can make it easier".
"For who? You or Brenda?" Donna asked him bitterly.
"For everyone" Dylan replied firmly.
"No" Donna said firmly. "I'm her friend, I owe it to her to tell her, she trusts me, I can't lie to her."
"What about me?" Kelly asked suddenly "Aren't you my friend too?"
Donna turned sad eyes on Kelly "I don't know. I thought I was but now…" She hesitated "I guess I feel like I don't really know you anymore".
"Please Donna, you know I wouldn't deliberately hurt Brenda" Kelly felt sick. Donna had been her closest friend for years and if Donna wouldn't stand by her, she doubted the others would.
"The thing is you are hurting her Kel" Donna said carefully. "Whether you mean to or not you're hurting her and you'll go on hurting her until you tell her the truth. By keeping it from her you're just being selfish".
"I know but it's just so hard" Kelly said quietly. She knew Donna was right and that she was being selfish trying to keep both Brenda and Dylan in her life. She loved Dylan, but Brenda was her best friend. She didn't want to imagine what her life would be like without Brenda on her side. They'd had fights before. She smiled ruefully, what friends hadn't? But even after their worst fights they'd managed to stay friends because they both really cared about their friendship.
She cringed remembering the dreadful 'Back Story' incident. She still felt horrible whenever she thought about it. God, she'd been devastated when she'd heard Brenda say those terrible things about her. Watching that show and believing that, that was what Brenda really thought of her had been one of the worst moments of her life. She'd been too hurt to even give Brenda the chance to explain or apologise.
The fight had only lasted a day, and then that Beth woman from the show had turned up and straightened it all out, explained that she had used Brenda, changed her story to boost the ratings. Kelly shuddered, it might have only been one day but it had been enough for her to realise how much she needed Brenda in her life.
That was what made all this so difficult. How was she supposed to choose between the man she loved and her best friend? She knew that she could only have one of them in her life, but how the hell could she make that decision? It was an impossible choice, but somehow she'd made it, and she'd chosen Dylan. She had allowed herself to cross the line from being Dylan's friend to being his lover. She'd convinced herself that being with Dylan was worth sacrificing her friendship with Brenda, but now that it was about to happen Kelly was starting to wonder if she'd made the right choice.
She sighed. As difficult and painful as the decision had been, she had chosen Dylan over Brenda. But so far Dylan had refused to make a choice. He still wasn't willing to give up Brenda for her. This afternoon she had told him that, that wasn't good enough for her anymore. No matter how much she loved Dylan, she wasn't gonna be with a guy who was still in love with someone else, even if he did claim to be in love with her as well.
Now it looked as though she would win by default, which wasn't really winning at all. She wanted to be with Dylan because he had chosen to be with her, not because Brenda had rejected him. She would never know if Dylan really loved her or if she were merely a consolation prize.
Kelly shivered. They'd been out here for nearly two hours now. Although it had been a warm and sunny day, whilst they'd been talking the afternoon had slowly ebbed away in to evening, and the temperature had cooled considerably. Since she'd been in bed when Dylan showed up this afternoon she wasn't exactly dressed for a December evening, even if it was California.
Noticing Kelly's discomfort, Dylan took off his jacket and put it round her shoulders. She smiled gratefully at him and then turned to Donna hopefully "Look Donna, why don't you come inside and we'll talk about this some more, it's getting cold out here and it's gonna go dark soon. We can light a fire, have a hot drink and talk all this through properly."
Donna shook her head "No I need to think and I can't do that here and… Oh my God David! David's waiting for me at the library we're supposed to be going out for dinner! She'd forgotten all about David and the romantic dinner. Horrified she checked her watch. It was later than she'd realised, if she didn't hurry up they would lose their dinner reservation. "If I'm gonna make dinner I have to leave right now".
All three regarded each other in stony silence. It was Dylan who finally put in to words what they had all been thinking. "Well I guess that's it, you've run out of time. You have to decide what you're gonna do. Either you go to dinner with David and pretend that everything is normal or you cancel dinner and go tell Brenda what's been going on."
Donna regarded him helplessly. He was right of course she no longer had the luxury of time. What she did right now in this one moment would determine everything that followed.
Dylan looked at her "So Donna, which is it gonna be?"
Authors note – Oooh that turned out to be a much longer chapter than I was expecting! Apologies to all those who thought Brenda was about to find out – I'm not being deliberately cruel, it's just that it's vital for the rest of my story that Donna find out when she did. Please be patient, I promise Brenda is gonna find out soon (You didn't really think I'd have her just walking in on them did you?? – I have something much more interesting in mind!). Thanks for your reviews and please keep reading!