Brandon Walsh eyed his sister carefully as she settled in to the passenger seat beside him. She looked pale and tired, her eyes red rimmed from a night of crying, had lost their usual sparkle, and were flat and dull. Usually when Brenda was hurt or upset she went on the attack, her natural intensity and passion fuelling a sharp tongue and hostile demeanour. Emotional outbursts and verbal attacks were pretty much a given with Brenda, but this time was different, she was quiet, calm even. It was as if all the fight had gone out of her.
He'd seen her like this once before and it was a bad sign, it meant that she was really suffering. It had been when Aunt Sheila had died of breast cancer. Brenda had been real close to Sheila and she'd taken the news badly. She'd cried at first and then become totally withdrawn, hardly uttering a word. It had been mom who'd gotten through to her in the end, gotten past her own grief and broken through Brenda's defences. He only hoped that she would be able to do it again.
"Are you sure you're feeling up to going to school today Bren?" He asked gently as they pulled out of the driveway.
Brenda sighed, and stared resolutely out of the window avoiding Brandon's concerned eyes. It would be so easy to stay home today, to hide from everybody and everything. When she'd first woken up this morning she'd thought yesterday was just a terrible nightmare, but then she'd remembered that it was real. The pain and torment she'd experienced last night had come back with a vengeance, and it had taken all of her willpower and self-control not to break down at the breakfast table.
She knew that Brandon and her parents were worried about her, and she knew that they wanted her to talk about it. But Brenda hadn't talked about it, she hadn't talked about it at all. She couldn't talk about it, because talking about it meant she had to think about it, and thinking about it was just too painful.
Last night she had been hysterical. She had cried herself in to a state of complete exhaustion, and sleep had been a welcome oblivion. Last night she had been close to the edge, and it had frightened her, she didn't ever want to feel like that again. Instead she had decided that she had to switch off her emotions, bury them deep where they couldn't hurt her. Brenda was afraid that if she broke down again, she might not be able to regain control, that she would start crying and simply be unable to stop. She knew that she had to get out of bed and go to school today, because if she didn't she might never get out of bed again.
As close as she was to her brother, and they were close, she couldn't tell him any of this, not right now anyway. She wasn't sure that he'd understand what she was going through; actually she didn't see how anyone could understand. So she didn't try to explain her feelings to Brandon, instead she turned to finally meet his eyes, and smiled tightly "I'm fine Brandon, don't worry".
Brandon shook his head in frustration. It was obvious that Brenda wasn't fine, in fact she was about as far away from fine as it was possible to be. But for some reason she wasn't letting him in. He was surprised and a little hurt, he'd always thought they shared a special closeness, that they could tell each other anything. He sighed. He knew Brenda well enough not to push, she would talk to him when she was ready, and until then he just had to let her know that he was there for her.
He frowned remembering his fight with Dylan yesterday. Not exactly his finest hour. He sighed. So much for being there for Brenda. They hadn't talked about it yet, but he knew that they needed to. As he pulled to a stop at a red light he cleared his throat and began awkwardly "Erm Bren, about what happened between me and Dylan.." He hesitated finding it difficult to put his feelings in to words "It was wrong. I was wrong". He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and made a point of adjusting the rear view mirror "I hurt Dylan, and I probably made things a hundred times worse for you". He shook his head sadly "I was just so angry, I wanted to punish him for what he'd done. I don't know I guess it must have been a rush of blood to the head or something" He lapsed in to a miserable silence. He still hadn't forgiven himself for yesterday, still couldn't explain how it had happened.
Brenda's emotions were in such turmoil right now, that she hadn't even begun to process her feelings about what Brandon had done. But she was aware enough to recognise the mix of concern and guilt in his eyes. She reached over and squeezed his hand reassuringly.
"I understand why you did what you did, and I know that you didn't mean for it to happen."
Brandon looked at her anxiously "How do you know that Bren?"
She smiled, meaning it this time "Because I know you Brandon."
For the first time since it had happened, his face relaxed in to a smile, and he squeezed her hand in return "You know that I'm here for you don't you Bren? That whatever happens you'll always have me."
Brenda nodded, fighting back the tears that suddenly threatened to spill down her cheeks "I know."
***
As she walked down the hallway of West Beverly High, Kelly Taylor decided that she must be in hell. She had left her normal Beverly Hills existence and ended up in some type of hell dimension. She had had a bad night last night, a really bad night. She had worked so hard to change, to turn her life around, but last night she had been ready to admit defeat and return to her party girl ways. And she would have done it too if David hadn't gotten home just at that moment and decided to confront her.
She closed her eyes at the memory, trying to block it out. She and David had gotten in to a terrible fight. Kelly didn't know what had gone down between him and Donna last night, but judging by his mood when he got home, it hadn't been good. He'd taken out his bad mood on Kelly. She frowned. He'd said some horrible things last night, and this morning he wasn't talking to her at all. The car ride to school had passed in stony silence, and she hadn't seen him since. She sighed heavily. David was family and even he wasn't there for her.
To her dismay Dylan hadn't made it in to school today, and he hadn't answered any of her calls last night. She was worried about him, and she couldn't shake the image of him home alone with a bottle of whisky. She hoped to god she was wrong, that he hadn't started drinking again. He was obviously hurting right now. She wished he would talk to her, she badly needed to talk to him. She sighed like that was gonna happen, it was if over night a brick wall had been erected between them.
She paused involuntarily as she approached a bunch of girls hanging out by the lockers. They were giggling and whispering to each other, but went silent as she drew closer to them. Self-consciously Kelly tugged unnecessarily at her bag strap, and tried to hold her head high. As she moved past she heard the whispering and laughing start up again. It had been happening all day.
She had worked hard to ensure her membership of the social elite at West Beverly, and usually she enjoyed the appreciative glances of fellow students as she walked the halls. Today she was paying the price for that fame. Kelly was well aware of the petty jealousies that typified the West Beverly social hierarchy. She knew that there were plenty of girls who couldn't wait to see her fail, who were itching to step in to her shoes. She'd given them plenty of ammunition. But none of that mattered anymore, losing her social status was nothing compared to losing her friends.
****
"Please David don't be mad at me, I can't stand it." Donna Martin begged, tugging futilely at her boyfriend's sleeve.
David put the last of the books in his bag, slammed his locker door shut and turned to face Donna. "I can't help being mad at you Donna" he explained angrily "You lied to me."
He scowled. They'd been over this last night and they just kept coming back to the same issue, trust. She didn't trust him, and now he couldn't trust her, and what good was a relationship without trust?
"I didn't lie to you David" Donna protested tearfully. "I just didn't tell you, there's a difference."
"No, there's not" David retorted. He shook his head in dismay "I don't understand you Donna, I thought we were supposed to be in a relationship, I thought that you trusted me."
Donna winced at the obvious hurt in his voice. "I do trust you David. I trust you completely."
"Then why didn't you tell me about Kelly and Dylan?" He asked bitterly.
Donna sighed heavily, and shut her eyes in concentration, trying to put her feelings in to words. She'd been asking herself that very same question all day and she still hadn't come up with a good answer. "I don't know David, I was confused, I didn't know what to do for the best." She looked at him helplessly "I guess I was scared that if I told you then you'd want to tell Brenda, and I didn't want to be the one to do that, I didn't wanna hurt her." She smiled weakly, aware of the irony in her words. "I wish I had told you David and I'm so sorry if I made you feel like I don't trust you."
She looked so miserable that David's heart went out to her. Dropping his bag he wrapped his arms around her, his anger evaporating "It's okay Donna, I understand."
"Really" a voice said behind them "because personally I'm having a hard time understanding anything right now"
Donna had spent all last night imagining how Brenda might be feeling, but nothing she had imagined came anywhere near the devastation she saw on Brenda's face as she turned to face her friend. She felt awful.
"I'm so sorry Bren, I wanted to tell you, but I didn't know how to" she admitted sadly. "It's just that Kelly made me promise. She wanted to tell you herself, you know pick the right moment."
"Well I have to hand it to her, she certainly did a great job." Brenda's voice was cold and hard, but she remained calm, almost detached.
Donna was waiting for Brenda to explode, any minute now she was gonna unleash, really let her have it. She steeled herself for the harsh words and accusations that were to come.
Donna didn't know it, but Brenda had no intention of blowing up at her. She had taken all of her emotions and buried them away in a box deep inside of her. Right now she was trying very hard to keep the lid on that box, because she knew that she couldn't let the emotion out, not yet. She knew that as a coping mechanism it would only work for so long, at some point she was gonna have to deal with her feelings, but she didn't want to have to deal with them today, she just wasn't ready.
When she'd seen Donna and David by the lockers she'd wanted to run away, but at the same time she needed to talk to them. As painful as it was, a part of her, the tiny part of her that was still capable of responding, needed to know why her friends had betrayed her.
"How long have you known?" She asked quietly.
Donna shifted uncomfortably "Two days" she admitted reluctantly, her eyes filled with remorse.
Brenda fought to keep her voice even "You knew for two days and you didn't tell me". She thought for a moment "You didn't tell me, but you told everyone else". She shook her head in disgust "My boyfriend's cheating on me and I'm the last to know."
"No Bren it's not like that" Donna was close to tears. "I didn't tell anyone, not even David".
"It's true." David spoke for the first time. "I didn't know anything about it, nobody did". He fiddled nervously with his locker key as he spoke. He felt like he was intruding on what should be a private conversation, but he didn't feel able to leave.
Brenda could see that he was telling her the truth. She turned back to Donna "Okay maybe you didn't tell anyone else, but that still doesn't make up for the fact that you didn't tell me. I thought you were my friend, I thought I could trust you Donna."
There it was again, that trust issue Donna thought bitterly. She'd never realised before just what a fragile entity trust was. You could spend years earning someone's trust only to have it destroyed in a matter of minutes. She sighed. "I am your friend Brenda, but I'm Kelly's friend too. It's not easy being stuck in the middle you know." She hadn't meant to say it, it had just come out, but it was the way she felt. She'd been put in an impossible situation, having to choose between her two best friends, and she hated it.
"Well you've made it pretty clear whose side you're on." Brenda said accusingly.
Donna shook her head "Don't talk like that Bren please. I'm not on anybody's side."
Brenda took a deep breath, fighting to control the surge of emotion that threatened to envelop her "That's just it Donna. Don't you get it? You should be on my side." She spoke slowly and carefully "I'm the victim here; Kelly's the one in the wrong".
"You're absolutely right. And that's why we need to talk". Kelly Taylor spoke firmly despite the shaking she felt inside.