Chapter Twenty-seven
Cindy Walsh sighed resignedly as she hung up the phone and headed back to the dining room. Jim looked up inquiringly from behind his newspaper as his wife trudged back in to the room. He frowned. She looked as though she had the weight of the world on her shoulders.
"That was Donna again" Cindy offered by way of explanation, dropping down on to the couch beside him.
"Ah." Jim nodded, carefully folding his newspaper and putting it down on the coffee table in front of him. "So" he gave his wife his full attention "I take it Brenda's still refusing to talk."
Cindy nodded, her pretty face wrinkled with frown lines "I'm worried about her Jim, it's been over two weeks now. She's not talking about it, not to anyone, and that's just not like her. She just sits up in her room studying for hours on end, it's not healthy."
"Well at least when she's in her room we know where she is" Jim said reasonably. "And you know honey there are a lot worse things she could be doing than studying." He squeezed her hand reassuringly "Brenda's a fighter, she'll get through this, she just needs time that's all."
She fixed worried eyes on him "I hope you're right Jim". Half-heartedly she turned her attention back to the gift she had been wrapping before Donna's call. She sighed, Christmas was just around the corner but it might as well be the middle of July for all the festive spirit she had. Usually by now she was knee deep in preparations and loving every minute of it, this year she'd hardly started. There were cards to write, gifts to wrap, and decorations to put up, yet she couldn't muster the enthusiasm to do any of it.
She frowned. So many times over the past two weeks she'd tried gently to coax Brenda in to talking to her. She knew from experience that bottling things up never did anybody any good. If Brenda wasn't talking about it then she wasn't dealing with it, and sooner or later she was gonna have to deal with it. If only she could get Brenda to open up, confide in her, maybe she could help her take those first painful steps towards mending her broken heart. Casting aside the gift-wrap, she got to her feet determinedly.
"Where are you going?" Jim asked, puzzled by her sudden burst of energy.
She smiled grimly "I'm going to try and talk to Brenda again."
"Good luck". He sighed. He was convinced she was setting herself up for another disappointment. She'd been trying to get Brenda to talk for more than two weeks now and so far nothing. Shaking his head he retrieved his newspaper, and settled down to immerse himself in the day's world news. Brenda would talk when she was good and ready, and when she was ready he would be there to listen.
***
"Brenda can I come in?" Cindy gingerly poked her head around her daughter's bedroom door. Brenda had been spending a lot of time in her room lately and she'd made it pretty clear that she wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone.
Brenda looked up from the chemistry textbook she'd been reading. She'd been spending a lot of time studying lately. To her surprise she'd found that it helped her to cope. Whilst she was studying she didn't have to think about what had happened, didn't have to feel the pain. She really didn't want to talk right now, but she knew her mom was worried, and she'd rejected every tentative advance so far. She sighed. It was time to give her mom a break. "Sure mom, come on in".
Cindy smiled. At least Brenda hadn't told her to go away this time. "I've brought you some dinner honey". She tried to keep her tone light and upbeat, she didn't want Brenda to know how worried she really was. She'd seen Brenda upset before. God knows they'd all lived through enough dramas during the course of Brenda's relationship with Dylan. Brenda could be pretty melodramatic when she put her mind to it. But this time was different. Cindy had never seen her daughter look so defeated.
"Thanks mom but I'm not hungry". Brenda hadn't really been hungry since she'd found out about Dylan and Kelly.
Cindy held out the tray, still hopeful that she might be able to cajole Brenda in to eating "I know sweetheart. But you really should try and eat something." At Brenda's frown she moved the tray away. "I'll just put it down here in case you change your mind. No pressure."
Brenda smiled at her mother's lame attempt to be casual "Okay you win. I'll eat something. What did you bring?"
Cindy beamed "Your favourite, home made lasagne". Hoping that she wasn't rushing things, but knowing that she might not get another chance, she took a deep breath "Look Brenda we really need to talk".
Brenda's face immediately screwed up in to a frown "Please don't tell me that he wasn't good enough for me and that I'll find somebody else. I've already had that from Dad, and trust me it doesn't help".
Cindy smiled; at least her husband was consistent. He'd never really approved of Brenda's relationship with Dylan. "Give me some credit Brenda I am your mother."
Brenda turned round in her chair so that she was facing her mother "I know you mean well mom, but I really don't think that there's anything you could say at the moment that could make things better".
Determinedly Cindy sat down on the edge of the bed "Oh I'm not claiming that I can fix this mess, but I do think I can help you understand it."
"Understand" Brenda was intrigued "How?"
"I was a teenager once myself you know Brenda, you're not the only young girl to have her heart broken".
Brenda smiled. "Don't tell me, your boyfriend cheated on you when you were in high school and it felt like the end of the world, but it all turned out fine in the end. Nice try mom."
"Actually I was the one who was doing the cheating." Cindy said softly.
"What? I don't believe it!" Now Brenda really did give her mom her full attention "What happened?"
"Looking back it all seems pretty silly really, but at the time you're right, it did seem like the end of the world. I was seventeen, a hopeless romantic, and I fell in love with my best friend's boyfriend."
Brenda was speechless; she could only stare at her mother in amazement.
"Michael was his name. He was everything you'd hope for in a first love. Handsome, smart, kind; I fell for him the first time I laid eyes on him, and I thought he liked me too." She smiled wistfully at the memory. "But he was dating my best friend Susan. We were real close you know just like you and Kelly". She frowned. "I didn't want to be in love with him, I'd have done anything not to be, but you can't choose who you fall in love with, it just happens". She shook her head sadly. "It was awful; I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to lose my best friend but what if Michael was my Mr Right, my one shot at happiness?"
Despite herself Brenda was hooked "So what did you do?"
"Made a fool of myself. One day I told him how I felt. Turned out he wasn't interested in me at all. He was so horrified that I would have been willing to betray Susan like that, that he told her everything." She gazed out of the window, a far away look in her eyes as she relived the moment. She was surprised at the strength of emotion that came flooding back.
Brenda's eyes were wide with surprise, for a moment her own problems forgotten "Wow mom. I can't believe you never told me any of this before."
"Well Brenda it's not exactly something I'm proud of, and besides it all happened such a long time ago." She wondered what had ever happened to Michael, it had been so long since she'd thought about him. It had all happened another life time ago.
"So what happened between you and Susan?" Brenda's words brought Cindy back to the present.
She shook her head, eyes clouded by sadness "She never forgave me. She never talked to me again after that day. Funny thing was she and Michael broke up a few months later, they weren't really that suited. In the end I got over Michael, but I don't think I ever really got over losing my best friend".
"That is so sad mom. I'm sorry." Brenda had never thought of her mom as having a past before. It was kinda strange to imagine her at high school falling in and out of love.
"But then I went to college and met your father and everything turned out fine in the end." Cindy said quickly, as if a little embarrassed by her confession.
Brenda frowned in concentration "So what are you saying mom? That none of this matters, that everything happens for a reason? That eventually I'll meet someone else and forget all about Dylan?" She winced. Just saying his name was enough to tear at her heart.
Cindy smiled "I think what I'm saying is that these things are rarely as black and white as they seem. People make mistakes honey, and sometimes someone gets caught in the cross fire, but that's rarely what's intended."
"What did I do wrong mom?" Brenda asked tearfully "What did I do to make him stop wanting me?"
"Oh honey, you didn't do anything wrong." Cindy reached for Brenda's hand, her heart aching at her daughter's obvious distress. "I don't know why Dylan did what he did, only he can tell you that, but I know he's hurting too."
Brenda pulled away from her mother, her eyes filled with suspicion "How do you know that?" Had her mom actually spoken to Dylan?
Cindy sighed. She hadn't meant to tell Brenda, was worried about how she might react but it was too late, she no longer had a choice. "Because" She said gently "Brandon saw him a few weeks ago." She hesitated. "He'd been drinking".
Brenda reeled in shock, her mind assaulted by a whirlwind of emotions. Horror, concern, hope and fear danced across her heart. She wanted to not care, she wanted to rejoice in his suffering, but her heart wouldn't let her. Once the initial shock and pain of his betrayal and begun to subside a little, she'd tried so very hard to hate him. She'd actually been getting pretty good at it too, but in its unguarded moments her heart still belonged to him.
She thought about him miserable and alone with only a bottle of whisky for company. And then she remembered; he wasn't alone, he was with Kelly. Feeling a surge of pain and anger, she closed off her heart, locking it away where it was safe and couldn't be broken again. "Good" she said firmly "I'm glad he's suffering. I hope he drowns in that whisky, and I hope she drowns with him."
"Brenda!" Cindy was shocked at the vehemence with which the words were spoken.
"I'm sorry mom, but that's how I feel. You've all been trying to get me to talk about my feelings, well there I've talked about them." Her cold, furious eyes met Cindy's sad, worried ones. "They betrayed me, and I'm never gonna be able to forgive them. "Why is that so wrong?"
Cindy sighed. "Because honey when you get to my age you realise that hatred and bitterness are such destructive emotions. If you stay mad at them; that resentment will always be there, eating you up inside, and you'll never be able to open up your heart to love. She sighed. You'll end up bitter and alone, and I don't want that for you."
She reached out for Brenda's hand again "Look I'm not saying that you should let them back in to your life, I'm just saying that eventually you have to let go of the resentment otherwise you'll be the one drowning". She learned forward and looked earnestly at Brenda. She knew it was probably too soon, but she also knew that Brenda needed to hear it "Brenda you're a warm and loving person, and nothing is worth sacrificing that for."
They gazed at each other in silence. Each thankful for the strong bond they had developed as mother and daughter. Finally Cindy spoke, breaking the spell.
"Now I've got an appointment downstairs with the dishes but I'll come back and check on you later. In the mean time please try to eat something honey."
"Okay I'll eat". Brenda picked up her fork. Once she was satisfied that Brenda was going to eat, Cindy went back downstairs.
"So?" Jim asked. "How did you get on?"
She regarded him contemplatively "I don't know" she answered honestly. "She's hurting, but Jim she's angry, she's so angry".
Brenda finished her dinner. She hadn't realised how hungry she actually was. She moved over to the window and looked out at the garden below. There was a full moon tonight. Brenda had always loved looking at the moon. There was something magical about it, especially a full moon. She sat down on the window seat and gazed out at the night sky.
Her mom's little pep talk had stirred up feelings she'd kept buried for so long. The strength of her anger had surprised her; she didn't know where it came from. She didn't know anything anymore, and nothing made sense. Her world had shifted when she wasn't looking, and it had wrong-footed her. She'd thought she had everything with Dylan, but it hadn't been real. She'd thought that Kelly was her friend, but she'd been wrong. She'd begun to think of Beverly Hills as home, now she felt like a tourist visiting an unfamiliar city. She'd spent weeks burying her feelings, trying to deny them, but now she embraced them, sought to identify them. She felt hurt, angry, and lost, completely and hopelessly lost.
Author's Note
I know absolutely nothing of Cindy Walsh's past, or the details of how she and Jim got together, so I decided to use a little artistic licence for the purposes of the story, I hope you enjoyed it. To answer the comments from Crystal (And thanks Crystal for you regular and insightful reviews!) – Brenda's comments about Jake in the previous chapter were not meant to represent the truth, rather they were Brenda distorting things to try and hurt Kelly. As for Steve's conviction that he's done the right thing by pushing Kelly towards Dylan, remember the character's thoughts/feelings do not necessarily reflect those of the author! I'm keeping quiet about where I stand on the Kelly-Dylan-Brenda love triangle since I don't want to spoil the ending (besides it's much more fun to keep my readers guessing!). Christmas chapters coming very soon, I'm hoping to post one tomorrow.