The Pirates Took The Big Macs!
By: Wafflecat
Will Turner was happy. Very, very happy! You know why? Because he was gettin' married! Yes, he was gettin' married, you bastards. Approximately two weeks after the little incident with a couple of zombie-pirates, drunkard, and trying to hide his sea-sickness, he and Elizabeth had gotten engaged. Mr and Mrs. Turner it'd be; no more of that 'Swann' shit. That name bites.
Since Norrington had previously tried to propose to Elizabeth, and failed MISERABLEY, he made sure to make Will's life a living hell. Who gives a care he wants him to take care of Elizabeth; he just thinks Will sucks. So when Will gets drenched in water with those randomly-places buckets that fell on his head from the ceiling, or just happens to have random arrows zoom by his head, he had a very clear idea of who was behind it all. But it didn't matter, he was gettin' married! And Norrington would just piss him off everyday of those two weeks, or just wait until he got promoted to admiral. But, this really has nothing to do with anything.
So, Will just happened to be walking around with Elizabeth like the pimp he is, when suddenly stumbled across something very, very odd.
A ragged, starving mad crawled onto the Port Royal docks, gasping for air, hair clinging to his bald head. WTF? Anyway, Will ran over to the poor man, slapped him in the back, and pulled him up. He spit a mouthful of water in his face and began to cough.
"Lad. LAD!!"
"What?"
"Lad!"
"What?"
"Lad!!!"
"WHAT?"
"LAD!!!"
Elizabeth slapped the man. He coughed up more water and choked.
"McDonalds...Big Macs...The pirates...TOOK THEM."
Will gasped in surprise and accidently dropped the dying man into the sea. Elizabeth clung close to Will whose front had gotten rather wet. A look of suspicion, anger, and confusion all laid in his...EYES. This was truly, truly horrible.
SOMEONE STOLE THE FUCKING BIG MACS.
"Elizabeth," he said with a look of seriousness on his face, the most serious of all faces he ev-ah had in his entire life. "Someone stole the fucking Big Macs from McDonalds."
Elizabeth blinked. "McWHO?"
Will shrugged. "I don't know. But it's IMPORTANT. We have to watch out for those damn pirates."
"But dear, you are--"
"SHUT-UP BITCH! I *said* we'd watch out, okay?!"
"I par-lay fran-say! WHOO, LOOK OVER THERE!"
Jack Sparr--Err, CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow pointed toward the horizon. No one bothered to tell him that their destination was less than a mile away, not far off into the sunset, silly. Well, anyway, the Black Pearl steered straight for Port Royal. The crew members all pulled their collars in anticipation of the next command of their captain.
"Err...CAPTAIN!" Anamaria stood behind Jack, tapping his shoulder. "Wouldn't it be a little...surprising to just go right up into the docks of--
Jack looked forward with a great look of curiosity; he grabbed hold of the helm and made the most elaborate U-turn ever made. IN HISTORY. People flew across the deck and smashed into various parts of the ship; a few went overboard. Anamaria held onto the mast before feeling a large, heavy sack fall onto her knickers. She raised a brown when the ship was set upright and opened the bag.
Jack walked down a small flight of stairs and automatically wrapped his arms around Anamaria's waist. An unwelcome elbow met his face and he flew backwards.
"Bloomin'--Lookit here! It's a sack o'--"
The remaining crew, along with that bald midget guy who I have suspicion is Verne Troyer, all crowded around the mysterious bag.
"God!" A pirates reached into the bag and pulled out...A hamburger?
"JESUS! Lettuce, tomato, pickles, onions, all doubled to make one notoriously good piece of food that LEAVES YOU FULL! THIS IS THE DEVIL'S FOOD I TELL YOU!" Kursar grabbed the bag and walked toward the side of the ship, before seeing a long, silver sword in his face.
"Best to be puttin' that down, mate! Why don't you show the captain what's in the bag?" Kursar tried to ignore the hideous bruise in the middle of his face, but handed him the bag, nonetheless. Jack opened the bag and was greeted with the strong smell of onion, lettuce, tomato, pickles--
"WHO BROUGHT THIS ONBOARD?!"
The Chinese dude looked around wearily. Jack tied up the bag and held it behind his back. "NO ONE touches this bag. SAVVY?"
The crew seemed to agree with the captain and go about their piratey business. Jack stormed to his cabin with the bag slung over his shoulder, watching the boat steer behind a large mountain. He threw the bag onto a flat, wooden table in the middle of his room, and began to pace.
This is crucial...
He rubbed the two long, dangling braids on his chin.
This is HORRIBLE.
Jack bit his lip.
"WE HAVE BIG MACS!!"
He stopped his pacing, chin-rubbing, and lip-biting to only wonder. "What the bloomin' HELL's a Big Mac?"
For hours, William Turner and Elizabeth had went around the small port, questioning others, and coming to dumb conclusions that eventually led them to the local pub.
"The pirates COULDN'T have taken the Big Macs. Their out at sea; it had to have been done by someone who's tricky and clever enough to know what hours McDonalds is open, and to steal a whole batch of them already made."
Elizabeth gave Will a skeptical look. What WAS he talking about? But since everyone CARED so much about the burgers being STOLEN from a restaurant that BASICALLY SUCKS, things weren't going to make sense to anyone.
"Hey mate, your idea's are all mixed up."
"I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, YOU--" Will looked up in surprise at a smiling Jack Sparrow. His crew stood outside making gang signs. Them pirates be off the heazy, fasheezy.
"JACK--!" He gave him an 'innocent' hug, and smiled. "What are you doing here?"
Jack frowned. "You're ignoring your chance to tell me off, to tell me not to come barging into a pub where I'm one of the most wanted men in Jamaica, and not ask with a demanding eunuch-like tone, 'Why are you here?!'"
"Yeah, pretty much," Will responded in a dull tone. Jack COMPLETELY UNDERSTOOD. No one in the pub seemed to pay attention to him.
"Sorry mate, but I've got a secret to tell ya. I'VE got the Big Macs."
Will gasped loudly. Elizabeth stared. "What are YOU doing with the Big Macs?"
"I haven't a bloody clue. But because I told you my secret, I've got to duel you to your death."
Will blinked slowly. "Wha--WHOA!" He jumped back as Jack withdrew his lightsaber sword. Will grabbed a sword hanging on the wall, lined with pink flowers.
"Aww, that's cute!" Jack said with a high, girly voice. He slashed Will on the chest. The two battled on for what seemed to be the longest, most important fight EVER. I even think someone's pants got torn off! BUT I DON'T KNOW! Maybe.
Both men fell back onto a chair to rest, panting heavily. Will felt his arm knock over a lady's drink.
"Sorry, miss--"
"YOU BASTARD!!!" She slapped him hard across the face. Will's eyes widened as he looked across the room in surprise.
"Hello, Norrington! Hello, Governor! What are you doing...in the...eh...," his voice trailed off as he saw Jack and his crew in the hands of the army.
"You dumbass!" Yelled Governor Weatherby. "I was starting to like you! I even had everyone wait a day to go looking after you!" He shook Jack in his bonds. "You really suck, dickwad."
Will watched Jack being dragged out of the pub, hearing various shouts.
"YOU'LL NEVER GET ME, YOU BASTARDS! WEST COAST ALL THE WAY!!"
Will had no clue what this meant, but neither do I.
Several nooses hung in the courtyard, one especially small one in the middle. Lemonade and hotdog stands surrounded the execution area. Those guys were making some profit, I tell you. Anyway, being led up to the nooses was the Black Pearl crew, all looking terribly tired. And hungry. I mean, they haven't eaten anything in like, a day, dammit.
Will stood in the crowd with Elizabeth, looking up at a casual Jack Sparrow. He winked, and looked at the rather burly looking guards behind him.
"AHEM." Some really ugly, important guy cleared his throat, holding a five-foot-long bit of parchment. No one stopped to listen.
"Hey! This hotdog is FUCKING TURKEY. YOU SWINDELING BITCH--"
"AHEM!!!" Everyone went quiet as the man began to read from the list of important-ness. He drowned on about hundreds and hundreds of offenses the pirates had committed, along with something that could have been some law in some really gay...BOOK OF LAWS. Jack yawned.
"And FINALLY...For stealing all the Big Macs from McDonalds. HERE WE GO!" The pirates were all fitting into the nooses. Some man clad in black grunted and grabbed onto a large lever.
"WAIT!" Everyone gasped as Jack lent his head forward. "THAT man stole the Big Macs. No, not him, HIM. Yeah. That guy."
Everyone gasped and looked back. There standing was that black guy from Gullah Gullah island. HOLY FUCK.
"YOU CRACKER. Yes, yes...I STOLE ALL OF THE BIG MACS! ALL OF THEM! AND I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE TO BLAME! THOSE HIP-HOP SINGERS ARE TO BLAME, ALSO!" He pointed to two black guys eating Big Macs.
"Oh shit!" One of the men hid a burger. "Uh...Uh."
"I knew it!" Jack jumped like a giddy school girl. "McDonalds is trying to seduce its costumers by showing food that doesn't exist, and by using up-to-date Hip-hop music to lure in the younger audience!"
Everyone stared. Jack shuffled his feet.
"What? HELL NO HE'S GETTING AWAY THIS TIME!" Norrington glared at Jack. THEN WILL. The guy-man-dude clinging to the lever finally pulled; the the wooden planks beneath the crew quickly dropped before each were saved by a long sword supporting them.
"WHOA! How'd that happen?" Will blew on his fingernails with a smug look on his face. Elizabeth somehow, maybe by magic, loosened the nooses on the mooses pirates' neck, and quickly ushered them out of the courtyard. The three black guys ran out, being chased by a crowd of people. Jack and Elizabeth walked out slowly, holding hands, and looked out into the sunset. MAGIC.
"Hey, look!" Elizabeth pointed out to the horizon to see the Black Pearl swaying side to side dangerously. A small, but identifiable Jack was waving.
"I'm going to miss that lad. Crazy eunich."
"Aye," Anamaria said somberly. "We should--HEY!" Her hand flew across his face, removing his hands from her--
The Black Pearl sailed off into the sun, finally disappearing. Will sighed. "Think he'll ever come back?"
"Of course."
But what no one knew as I suddenly have camera control, as we all zoom up into the sky, is that somewhere, the Big Mac thieves were singing:
Yo, we love Big Mac for real,
Come to MickyD's, come get ya taste fo'real
'Cause we all know nuttin' bettah than a Big Mac,
GET YA MAC ON! GET YA MACK ON! PEICE OUT FROM THE DIRTY SOUTH, WHAT-WHAT!!!
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Author's Note: I love you, Katie, Mar, and Sam. AMONG A LOT OF OTHERS. Whoa, I'm one crazy bitch! :D