"Alright I'll start" Brenda announced, quickly seizing the initiative "And remember we agreed to tell the truth.
Kelly licked her lips nervously; her mouth had gone completely dry. She wished she hadn't left her coffee behind on the kitchen table. She'd always hated truth games, partly because she hated revealing information about herself, but mostly because in her experience someone always ended up getting hurt. She'd never really believed that honesty was the best policy; most times people didn't like the truth when they heard it. She and Brenda could end up tearing each other apart tonight. But, Brenda had thrown down a challenge and she was damned if she was going to back down. She nodded at Brenda, hoping she appeared more confident than she felt "Go ahead."
"You and Dylan. How did it happen?" Brenda demanded tersely. She knew that this was going to be painful, but her imagination had tormented her for long enough, now she needed the truth.
Kelly sighed heavily. She'd always known that if she was ever gonna make her peace with Brenda, they would have to have this conversation. It was a conversation she had been dreading.
"It was the summer" she began reluctantly. "You and Donna were away in Paris, everyone was busy with summer jobs or hanging out at the beach club." She paused, tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her ear before continuing uneasily. "I thought it would be fun to spend some time with Jackie and Mel and Erin, and it was fun -at first. It felt good being part of a real family you know."
Brenda nodded. "That's right, that's why you didn't go to Paris." She looked at Kelly intently, clear blue eyes searching her face, looking for a sign that she was finally hearing the truth. "So what changed?"
Kelly picked a non-existent piece of lint off the sleeve of her sweater. "I don't know exactly, but after a while I stopped feeling like part of the family and started feeling like somehow I was intruding." She paused remembering the unwelcome feelings of loneliness that had engulfed her. "It wasn't their fault, it was just that they were so wrapped up in each other and in Erin". She hesitated not really wanting to continue "I started spending more and more time at the beach. Dylan was there…" her voice trailed off and she looked at Brenda helplessly, eyes begging to be allowed to stop.
"Go on." Brenda prodded, stubbornly refusing to let Kelly off the hook. She needed to hear Kelly actually say it.
Kelly cleared her throat awkwardly. This was excruciating, but Brenda wasn't gonna let up until she'd heard the whole story. She only hoped that Brenda would appreciate her candour. Taking a deep breath she forced herself to continue.
"Dylan was there and we started spending more and more time together –just as friends" she added hastily. "It was nice. I was feeling lousy about Jake, and being with Dylan made me feel better." She smiled wistfully at the memory, but the smile quickly faded when she caught sight of Brenda's pained expression. "Anyway" she continued hurriedly "We talked a lot, and he understood me, understood what I was feeling". She blushed and looked down at the floor, suddenly unable to meet Brenda's eyes. "Pretty soon we became more than just friends."
The words stabbed at Brenda's heart, and she had to fight to keep the tears from falling. Kelly chewed her bottom lip nervously, waiting for Brenda to say something.
Brenda tucked her feet up on the couch in front of her and wrapped her arms around her knees protectively as if somehow it would shield her from the pain that was currently assaulting her. It was a habit she had adopted in childhood and she did it instinctively now as she tried to come to terms with what she had just heard.
To Kelly she suddenly looked like a little girl who was afraid of the dark or scared of the monster under the bed. Sometimes she forgot just how vulnerable Brenda really was. Brenda gave the impression of being strong, but those closest to her knew that she needed reassurance and support just as much as anyone else, more sometimes.
Eventually Brenda broke the silence. "Was it really that easy?" She asked in a small voice. She was appalled at how quickly they had betrayed her.
"I can't really explain it" Kelly replied "but it was like no one else existed, like nothing else mattered. I just wanted to be with him, I wasn't thinking about the consequences."
"And so you kept on seeing him after I got back from Paris" Brenda surmised, her expression registering hurt and disgust.
Kelly quickly shook her head "No. The night before you were due back from Paris we agreed to stop seeing each other, because of you." She looked at Brenda anxiously, knowing that all this must be as difficult for Brenda to hear as it was for her to say. "Neither of us wanted to lose you, and we knew how much it would hurt you. We decided to go back to being just friends."
"That obviously didn't last long." Brenda said bitterly, thinking about all the stolen kisses and secret meetings that must have been going on behind her back. She felt so stupid.
"I tried to stay away from him Brenda honestly I did" Kelly protested feebly. "I just missed him so much, I was miserable all of the time and you seemed more interested in college than you did in Dylan."
Brenda flinched at the accusation, and she glared at Kelly angrily. "So you decided you'd take him off my hands?" She asked pointedly.
"I thought you were losing interest in Dylan." Kelly said defensively. "I mean you got back from Paris and told me all about your fling with Rick, then you were all excited about going away to College. What was I supposed to think?"
Abruptly Brenda got up "I need more coffee" she mumbled, heading quickly in the direction of the kitchen.
"Is that it?" Kelly protested, bitterly disappointed. "I'm honest with you and as soon as it's your turn you run away?
"I'm not the one on trial here. I didn't do anything wrong". Brenda tossed back over her shoulder as she continued towards the kitchen.
"Really, are you absolutely sure about that?" Kelly shouted at Brenda's retreating back. Brenda froze for an instant as the words hit their mark, then she kept walking.
***
Breathing hard, Brenda filled the kettle and started the water boiling. She knew that Kelly had a point. She hadn't exactly made things easy for Dylan. First there had been the events leading to her banishment to Paris, none of which had been Dylan's fault. Then there had been her relationship with Rick. She was deeply ashamed of what had happened with Rick, even though Dylan had forgiven her, she still hadn't forgiven herself.
Her behaviour since returning from Paris hadn't been exemplary either. She knew that she had been distant and preoccupied, neglecting Dylan in favour of studying. She'd made the mistake of trying to plan his future, and even worse she had tried to change him. She flushed as she remembered how she had endeavoured to make him more like the type of guy her father would approve of, instead of the guy she knew and loved.
Was this all her fault? Had she inadvertently pushed Dylan in to Kelly's arms? She frowned. Dylan didn't deal well with rejection, had she made him think that he wasn't good enough? Had she driven him away with her hurtful behaviour? She rubbed the back of her hand across her eyes, stemming the tears that were threatening again. She didn't want to believe it but what if it was true?
Brenda realised that she was shaking. She reached forward and gripped the edge of the sink to steady herself. Closing her eyes, and slowing her breathing, she struggled to calm down, to think clearly. Somehow she had allowed Kelly to turn the tables, to gain the initiative, she had made herself vulnerable.
Her eyes flew open as Kelly's hand touched her shoulder "Come on Brenda, I've been honest with you, all I'm asking is that you do the same."
Brenda took a deep breath. After everything that had happened she was reluctant to open up to Kelly. She was afraid that if she did Kelly would be able to hurt her again, yet she saw only curiosity reflected in Kelly's eyes, there was no trace of cruelty or malice.
"I was having doubts" she admitted hesitantly. "I was starting to wonder if Dylan was right for me." She looked sadly at Kelly "we just seemed to want different things, to be moving in two completely different directions." She swiped quickly at the tears that had escaped, aware that if she opened the floodgates now she would be unable to stop.
Kelly nodded sympathetically. She knew all about Brenda's concerns, after all she thought guiltily, she'd been the one Brenda had shared them with. "And Rick?" She asked gently.
Inwardly Brenda cringed, she hadn't been very fair to Rick, and she certainly hadn't been straight with him, at least not at first. "Everything with Dylan was just so hard, spending time with Rick was a relief." She smiled ruefully. Rick was a great guy. It's just that…."
"He wasn't Dylan." Kelly finished the sentence for her. They both smiled, sharing a brief moment of understanding. Kelly sighed. What was it about Dylan McKay? It wasn't just the dark good looks; the mean and moody exterior masking the little boy vulnerability, there was more to Dylan than that. It was as though he could get under your skin somehow. It didn't seem to matter what he said or did he still left you wanting to be with him.
In that brief moment Brenda wanted to tell Kelly how much she had missed her. She was tempted to say 'lets forget the whole thing, lets go back to being friends.' Kelly had been honest with her, she hadn't deliberately set out to hurt her, it had just happened, a combination of circumstances. Didn't she deserve a second chance? Didn't everyone? Life would be so much easier if she had her best friend back. Slowly she began to form the words, hesitantly she opened her mouth to say them, and then jumped at the shrill whistle that signalled that the kettle had boiled.
Unaware of just how close she had been to breaking through Brenda's defences, Kelly poured the boiling water in to the cups, added cream and sugar, and carried them over to the table. She settled back down in her chair, and took a welcome sip of her coffee.
Brenda watched her in silence, ruminating on what had been said. She couldn't believe how close she'd been to forgiving Kelly. Only the timely intervention of the whistling kettle had prevented her from doing so. It had served as a wake up call, snapped her out of her vulnerable state, and brought her back to reality. She had wanted so desperately to believe Kelly that she had allowed herself to be blinded by her emotions, to let down the walls that she had put up between them. She hadn't been thinking straight, but she was seeing things clearly now and she could see that it didn't add up, it didn't add up at all.
No matter what she wanted to believe, deep down she knew that if Kelly were really her friend she wouldn't have betrayed her no matter how strongly she felt about Dylan. The pain and humiliation returned and along with it a fresh surge of anger.
"Maybe I was having doubts about Dylan, but that still doesn't excuse what you did" she said icily.
Kelly blinked in surprise at the sudden change in Brenda's tone. Disconcerted she fumbled clumsily with her cup and spilt some of her coffee, wincing as the hot liquid splashed her hand.
Brenda regarded her coolly "You'd better get some cold water on that."
"It's fine." Kelly said awkwardly, pulling the sleeve of her sweater over her hand so that Brenda couldn't see the burn. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat unable to meet Brenda's eyes.
She didn't want Brenda to be right; she didn't want to admit that what she had done was wrong. She'd told herself so many times that it wasn't her fault and that she wasn't to blame. She had been vulnerable, she'd fallen in love with Dylan, she hadn't been able to help herself, it had just happened. But deep down she had always known that those were just excuses. She turned remorseful eyes on Brenda.
"You're right." she said softly. "What I did to you was wrong". She hesitated, finding this difficult. "It was all my fault, I've been a terrible friend and I'm sorry, really sorry."
Brenda was startled by the sudden admission. There were no excuses, no accusations, just an admission of guilt and a plain and simple apology. She was completely disarmed, and the scathing comments she had been about to utter died on her lips.
Kelly fidgeted uneasily, turning the coffee cup around in her hands. In silence Brenda walked over to the table. In silence she sat down, reached for her coffee, and raised it to her lips. Kelly watched her nervously, waiting, but Brenda remained silent. Eventually Kelly could stand it no more "Aren't you at least going to say something?" she asked in frustration.
Brenda put down her cup and regarded Kelly contemplatively. "You want the truth?" she asked.
Kelly nodded anxiously "Yes".
Brenda sighed heavily. "The truth is right now I don't know what to say."
"Well" Kelly began hopefully "You could say that you'll accept my apology."
"I could" Brenda agreed "If I believed it."
"And do you?" Kelly asked, her voice tight with tension.
Brenda drew in a deep breath and released it slowly "Yes."
Kelly couldn't believe it "Then it's alright, everything's alright." Her face lit up in a smile. "Oh Brenda you don't know how much I've wanted to sort things out between us. I've really missed you". She moved towards Brenda intending to hug her.
Brenda pulled away sharply. "Kelly this doesn't change anything. Things are still not right between us. We're not friends" she spoke calmly but firmly.
Kelly was stung by the harshness of the words "But I thought that you understood" she stammered. "I thought you believed me." She looked at Brenda in confusion "I don't understand".
"Kelly you were my best friend and you betrayed me. It doesn't matter how sorry you are, it doesn't change the fact that it happened" Brenda said solemnly.
Kelly found that she couldn't stop the tears "Then what do I have to do to make it right. Just tell me" she begged.
Blinking back her own tears Brenda shook her head sadly "It doesn't work that way Kelly. What you did, it changed things between us. We can never go back to the way things were."
"Couldn't we go forward, start again?" Kelly asked hopefully.
Brenda looked at her regretfully "I don't think so."
"I made a mistake" Kelly said bitterly "Am I gonna have to pay for it for the rest of my life."
Brenda shrugged "You have Dylan. I don't think you're paying too heavily."
Kelly shook her head ruefully "I don't have Dylan. I never really had Dylan, I only thought I did."
Brenda was completely bewildered. She looked at Kelly in confusion "What are talking about?"
"Dylan doesn't love me Brenda". Kelly spoke as if Brenda were a small child "He loves you." She couldn't keep the resentment out of her voice. "I guess I should have known you'd win. You always do."
Brenda's eyes were wide with shock. She stared at Kelly uncomprehending, unable to form a thought let alone a response. Dylan still loved her.
Kelly laughed bitterly at Brenda's expression "Oh don't pretend you're surprised, we both know that's the way it always works out, you always come off best"
"Kelly it's not a competition." Brenda admonished finally finding her voice.
"Maybe not to you" Kelly agreed. "But then you've got everything haven't you. The perfect family, the perfect boyfriend, the perfect life."
Brenda frowned. There had always been an edge to their friendship, a thread of jealousy on both sides, she'd always feared that one day it would tear them apart. "You think my life's perfect. Have you been walking around with your eyes shut these last three years?" She was incredulous.
Kelly sighed heavily. "You have no idea how many times I've wished I could trade places with you."
"So you thought you'd start out with my boyfriend. What was next, were you gonna move in on my family?" Brenda asked sarcastically. "You have to create your own life Kelly, you can't just take mine."
"I know and I'm trying." Kelly protested. "I finally applied to College you know. Andrea helped me worked out my priorities." She smiled. "Looks like I'll be joining you at California University next year."
Brenda shifted uncomfortably, unable to meet Kelly's eyes. Kelly noticed Brenda's discomfort "Is that going to be a problem?"
Brenda hesitated. She hadn't planned on revealing her secret just yet, but tonight seemed to be the night for confessions. "I'm not going to California University" she admitted. "I'm going to London right after graduation. I'm touring in a production of Romeo and Juliet all summer and in the fall I start at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts."
Kelly was stunned. "I had no idea." She screwed up her face in concentration "I was sure that Donna said you were going to school here."
"Donna doesn't know." Brenda admitted stiffly. "In fact nobody knows."
"Is it because of me? Because of me and Dylan?" Kelly asked guiltily, her eyes full of remorse. "Because you don't have to leave. It's over between us." She winced. Just saying the words was painful.
"It's not about you, at least not anymore." Brenda explained.
"What about Dylan?" Kelly asked bluntly.
Brenda frowned. "What about him?"
"He needs you." Kelly leant forward eagerly "He needs you Brenda. If you have any feelings left for him at all you'll help him. You're the only one who can."
Brenda regarded her warily. She almost didn't want to ask. "Then I guess you'd better fill me in" she said resignedly.
***
Kelly talked for the next few minutes without interruption. Brenda listened, but in her mind she was no longer sitting at the kitchen in table, she was back at the Peach Pit, looking down the barrel of that gun. Kelly was right; she was the only one who could understand what Dylan was going through. She was the only one who had experienced it. Even now she had broken out in a cold sweat just thinking about that night. It had all been over in a matter of seconds. She hadn't been physically harmed, but the memory of those seconds when that gun was pointed at her would haunt Brenda for the rest of her life.
Kelly finally finished talking. It had been quite a speech and she only hoped that she had conveyed the urgency of the situation. She looked at Brenda expectantly. She knew that she was asking a lot and she wouldn't blame Brenda if she said no. "So" she said anxiously. "Will you talk to Dylan?"
Brenda hesitated, already balking at the prospect of being alone with Dylan.
"Well?" Kelly prodded.
"Okay. I'll do it" Brenda conceded, hoping that she wouldn't live to regret her decision.
Kelly was delighted "I knew you'd come through. I just knew it" she exclaimed breathlessly.
"Yeah well I only said I'd talk to him I'm not promising anything." Brenda said hastily. "You know how stubborn Dylan can be."
"Thank you." Kelly said softly, meaning it. "I know it can't be easy."
Brenda nodded "You're welcome."
***
As she stepped out in to the cool night air, Kelly Taylor sighed heavily. She'd done it, achieved what she'd set out to achieve, she'd gotten Brenda to agree to help. It had been a remarkable night. She and Brenda had called a truce and they had finally reached an understanding. But her happiness was marred by regret. They might have reached an understanding, but they weren't friends, Brenda had been very clear about that. As she took one final glance back at the house, she wished with all her heart that they were.
***
Dylan McKay was drunk. He couldn't remember exactly when he'd started drinking or indeed how much he'd had, but he was sure of one thing, he hadn't had enough. The knocking had been going on for about 10 minutes now. He had been deliberately ignoring it, but whoever it was refused to give up. Dylan scowled. No doubt it was Kelly come to play counsellor again. She hadn't been around in a few days; maybe she'd figured he'd be ready to talk by now. Why couldn't she just go away, leave him alone? Angrily he stomped over to the door and flung it open.
"How many times do I have to tell you I don't want to talk." He yelled furiously.
Standing on the porch Brenda Walsh smiled tightly "Well that's too bad because you know what Dylan I do."