Surreal, a saiyuki fanfic

Surreal
seikazu aisenai

Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki. --- glare ---
Special thanks to Kaiya, for beta-reading and to Momo, for making me read CUT (scanlated by mochi mochi) by Touko Kawai, thus, the edited version.

Everything seemed as if it was concocted by surrealism.
One moment passed by in a haze of indefiniteness while the next second provided a glimpse of utmost clarity.
Blood.
Everywhere yet nowhere.
Sparse.
Overflowing.

Rays of heat silently gave out its anger and we were the unlucky recipients of its rage on the ride to the towns we stopped over. Because of its intensity, the monk issued out a command that we would not stay more than a night on each inn that we ended up in.

On the second day alone, we'd learned an invaluable lesson the hard way. In this kind of weather-torture we were blessed with, one should keep quiet whenever a human armed with a youkai-expelling gun told you to do so. Gone was the usual paper fan whacking on the head as punishment. Instead, not only do you accept the privilege of having all your cigarettes confiscated, you acquire the honor of being deprived from food, if you add the mistake of complaining that the saru was to blame for the former incident.

Unfortunately for the saru, laughing oneself off at my sorry expense only worsened his own predicament by also gaining the latter penalty. Whining did you no good - the said possessions were thrown out to be crushed under Hakuryuu's tires. Goku had stretched out his arm in an attempt to save the prized belongings from their doomed sentence. Had tried to go after them even in their condemned state, but I held him back and shook my head to signal the futility of his effort. The golden-eyed boy went still in his horror, arm extended in a frozen farewell to the ruined delicacy.

I pulled him back and we returned to ours seats properly. Quickly, I placed a hand over the bakazaru's mouth, 'coz I knew he was about to grumble his protest very loudly to Sanzo and then we'd be in more deep shit. Luckily, I made it in time and the blond just looked at us with death in his eyes then directed his eyes forward. I stuck out my tongue behind his back. The silver of his gun then blinded me as he readied his pistol in place for shooting.

After that, nobody dared to utter a sound during the drives. Okay, so I resisted the urge to fight with Goku and kept him from being noisy by alternately bribing him with the extra meat buns and dumplings that I asked Hakkai to purchase or stuffing his face with my fist. Either way, I got to indulge myself with my nicotine craving and my share of the rations.

Our only reprieve from the unsaid reprimand was when we reached the safety of the boisterous villages. That's when our captain was stripped of some of his power, although temporarily.

On the eleventh district we happened upon, a surprise awaited us. Instead of the lively sanctuary we, excluding our oh-so-lovable fearless leader, were anticipating, a stillness like that of an abandoned town raided our own enforced hush. The four of us turned to look at each other in puzzlement, wary for any sort of unwanted surprise that might come from any of our determined foes.

"Ikuzo!" We stepped out of the jeep.

Sanzo and I walked side by side, his sandals clunking against the ground, while my own leather-soled feet scuffled along. The wind provided no comfort in its balmy embrace, wrapping us in a halo of earth particles in its gentle descent. "So you think it's okay to leave those two alone?"

". . . . . ."

"At least, they're riding in the jeep while we're the ones stuck trudging this dusty path."

". . . . . ."

I pulled off my most infuriating smirk. "You know, we can do whatever we want since it's just the two of us for the night..."

". . . . . ."

'Why do I even bother?' I popped out one of the sticks in my last pack and wedged it between my lips. A pale hand suddenly came within sight of my vision. I shook out another and dropped it on the outstretched palm. 'He really must be desperate.' C'mon, to ask me for a smoke? ...I was the only one around with the supply.

I wonder if I got the better deal when the monk chose to go with me, but I wasn't really expecting him to decide for us to split up. Goku and Hakkai must've already reached that town with the grub feast... I almost want to say the saru's favorite phrase. 'Sanzo, hara hetta!' Yeah, that should get a reaction. Nah, he might pull the trigger on me without those two.

'Just a little while.. Women.. Cigarettes.. Booze...' At this rate, I plan to leave him just as we reach town. Who ever heard of someone who wants to be ignored and be treated like dirt? No siree, I'm not some kind of masochist. Unlike some people I know.. Besides, I'm here to indulge myself in all of my favorite stuff, the end, and not play nanny to an irksome monk.

The usual buzz of merry gatherings beckoned to our ears. We passed the entrance and I was about to execute my ingenious revenge. The blond continued walking though, away from where I was, foiling my scheme, and not even troubling himself with a backward glance. 'Great, I get dumped way before I can make my move.'

Humming softly, I left the gaming tables a lot less morbid and a lot more wealthier. 'Sha Gojyo still has his groove.' I swear those guys are pure jinxes. They drain all of my luck at gambling; that's why I can never have a good win whenever one of them's around. Especially Hakkai. His seemingly innocent face hides his calculating mind, plus endowed with the theory I formulated. Who could beat him if it was true?

A crowd was hovering around someone wearing a suspiciously familiar set of robes. 'And he calls us troublemakers.' The man attracts danger as sure as the sun rises and sets in the sky. Nobody could resist his..'charms.'

I advanced in his direction with every intention of playing hero. One sure way to piss off the blond was to help him, which equated to being helpless in his jargon. I barely had the time to cough and get their attention when the group of drunks already dispersed in their own separate ways. 'Huh? I'm pretty sure Sanzo hasn't used his gun nor his sutras.. Don't tell me that his tongue sharpened much more that frightening bold inebriated men can be done in a snap. Though he's already nasty enough as it is.'

"Y-" A little girl with shining blond hair just like corrupt monk's stood in front of him. From the looks of the violet-eyed human, his rescuer came in a skirt, which appalled him much better than I ever could. The girl suddenly focused her eyes on me, with a shock of their crimson color. In turn, her companion twisted around to face me.

The glare he gave me made me feel like an intruder, a spy sent out to observe a target's intimate moments. I felt resentment course through my veins, making me want to scold the girl for daring to be in the presence of my unattainable one. 'God! I'm actually envious of a small girl!'

Wise ruby eyes gazed into mine, luring me to peer into their depths. Her lips lifted into a shy half-smile, forming slowly yet bestowing a warmth that rivaled a roaring fire in a winter night out beneath the stars. So attuned was I in trying to understand His Sullenness that I noticed even the slight twitching of his brow wrought by disapproval. I sighed inwardly and put on my infamous grin.

"Sanzo-sama! I didn't think we'd be able to meet again for the night." The addressee's brows met in a straight line. "I see that you've been busy making new friends." A tiny hand tugged at my pants. The kid was before me, shaking her head vigorously. I bent down to question the blond girl. "Don't do that anymore," she whispered. "Do what?" She glanced at the man who inherited the title of Sanzo then returned to me. "Just please stop."

"What are you two talking about!" I rose up stiffly, anger feeding my senses. I badly needed to give him a piece of my mind. Another tug from the cute youth and all the fury dissipated. "Never mind. Just go rent us two rooms for the night." I wonder how Goku can put up with all this servant shit.

A loud bell interrupted the nap I was taking and woke me instantly. Sanzo was already out his own quarters when I reached the hall myself. The inn proved to be empty, so we bounded outside.

Chaos. All the cheery people from earlier, citizens and visitors alike, were now screaming in panic. Some were fighting off the savage youkai; several wounded, others dead. Most were running toward the temple in the center of the town.

The two of us headed to where the attackers seemed to be coming from, slaying youkai here and there. We ended up at the main gate where a large concentration of assailants occupied space and surrounded some kind of forcefield. I then detected a similar sphere defending the village from another wave of aggressors, and a smaller but thicker barrier placed over the sanctuary in the center.

The golden haired child was at the middle of the protective bubble, and she radiated weariness at all the energy she was expending. Seeing us, she braved a weak grin then furrowed her brow in resolution. Everything clicked into place - the hushed gossip, the preferred distance, the absence of children. She was their guardian. 'They cower in their refuge while they let a kid stick up for them!' I hacked away bundles of youkai while the monk shot at them precisely, pausing only to reload.

We heard a cry - purple clashed with red - and I was off to help the distressed, leaving the one who uses a Smith & Wesson to aid the petite princess.

After I had taken care of the task, I came back to see a burst of crackling light then Sanzo shooting, madly but with dead accuracy, those who were unfortunate enough to be alive. The few who were foolish enough to enter through the main gate were dealt with by the hand of the sutras. I myself didn't realize what was occurring around me.

Subsequent to the fading echoes of agonizing howls and burnt flesh, the lone man in the midst of all the destruction his berserker self caused stood trembling. The heat of the sun's greeting did nothing to dispel the coldness that seeped into our blood at the loss of our new pal.

"Nothing's better than a good, long, deep drag a' smoke when all you want to-"

Bang! A gunshot whizzed past my head, missing it by a few of inches. Only one man used that type of ammunition around here. 'Damned monk! I made sure to steer clear from his shooting range...' The blond left the dinner table hours before I did to 'hone his shooting skills' at the forest near the city, seemingly fed up with all the joyous stories the other two regaled us with. I shrugged when they directed an unspoken inquiry to what had happened and shifted the topic back to their own adventure. When I couldn't take it anymore, I retired to my bed. That too, proved to be a pointless endeavor so I got up to finish off a pack.

"Sanzo! Don't use innocent youkai for target practice!" I schooled my face into a mask of dissatisfaction, I really hadn't had the heart for anything more tedious that might drain away what's left of my remaining energy. 'Poor, wasted cigarette,' I thought as I stamped out its light.

I was showered with silence but it definitely was him: the gun he held in his right hand gleamed silver amidst the darkness.

"Quiet.."

"What? What did I do? I was just starting to-"

"Be quiet." He pointed the gun and shot again. This time, the bullet managed to take out a couple of crimson strands.

I just lost it and snapped, "Go play your mind games on someone else!" 'It's your own fault. You shouldn't have come here if you valued your precious silence!'

Before I could fully turn away and leave him, I felt a minor sting on my cheek, across the two scars. My ears only registered the ringing sound echoing through my brain.

I raised my left hand to my cheek and felt the aqueous substance come in contact with the tips of my fingers. I stared at the scarlet liquid, and watched it trickle down my palm.

"I told you to be quiet..." Softly uttered words were followed by the quiet rustling of robes and the faint crackling of grass as footsteps approached me. I barely noticed that I was pressed to a tree nearby, then enclosed by two arms from the back, one of them placed over my right arm and around my waist, the other, captured my chin. 'Sanzo actually shot me...' His left hand turned my head to face his. Not minding the red wisps that slightly obstructed his way, he proceeded to trace the trail of blood, the touch of his tongue not registering on my system until it reached the wound itself and jarred me out of my current turmoil.

--- Everything seemed as if it was concocted by surrealism. ---

"Sanzo..." A thumb made its presence known and journeyed across my lips, ghosting along its length in detailed absorption. My eyes connected with his blank, purple ones, and the motion stopped abruptly.

--- One moment passed by in a haze of indefiniteness while the next second provided a glimpse of utmost clarity. ---

'Such sad eyes, as if wanting to cry but had long ago lost that ability...' I softly brushed my mouth against his thumb and closed my own. The motion returned and he finished his former task of tending to my cheek.

--- Blood.
Everywhere yet nowhere. ---

Those same hands wound around my waist and snapped the belt loose, flipping it out of the hoops and dropping it immediately to focus on the unzipping of my pants and the ripping of my underwear. After those were done with, the monk untied his sash and used it remove the sight from my eyes temporarily. 'So this is how it's gonna be..' No protest was ever voiced out.

--- Sparse. ---

The sound of a zipper was my only warning before he pushed his entire length inside of me. His breath came in short intervals, an internal battle raging as he fought to slow down.

--- Over-- ---

Mine was also difficult to intake, the torture of having no preparation nor lubrication to lessen the almost punishing path, affecting it. Hands grabbing my hips were forceful enough to leave imprints that were starting to bruise.

--- Overflo-- ---

A spot where my neck and left shoulder met felt as if were being sapped of its blood as Sanzo bit and suckled on it hard enough to split the skin. With each invasive thrust, I could feel him burying all the mixed-up emotions he tried to hide. 'Ore wa omae no mono shika nee..'

--- Overflowing. ---

I couldn't even see his face when he was wrapped up in the blissful moment of non-thinking. He must've been bathed in moonlight, gracing his ethereal beauty in between the shadows of the branches. Not that it'd make any difference..

The shrouded night came back, my vision blurry. Not sure from which ache it originated from, though. I felt him do the motions of cleaning himself up behind me. I took a peek and sighed in relief that his eyes were no longer listless orbs.

It didn't matter that my own member was still erect, everything ached, and the monk already left, as long as I was able to pull him out of that unhealthy state.

The morning after usually was hard enough to deal with, but those countless times paled in comparison to what had transpired. Keeping silent on the way inside the inn was relatively easy, didn't even notice that I'd reached the bathroom on our floor and locked it behind me. Good thing we were the only ones occupying this wing, no need to worry about other people. And that the place was slightly better than the ones we're used to renting so a private tub stood in seclusion at the back. 'I don't feel a thing...' Not even a limp when I prepared the hot water. I soaked my somewhat ruined clothes in a basin.

Necessities taken care of, that inner voice started calling out to me. 'Just a little one..' It whispered longingly. My left hand felt my right wrist, skimming the skin for the now nonexistent scars.

The mirror showed none of the conflict within me. Shadows of the past superimposing over the reflection.

'Hollow.'

Actions then became automatic, an old habit reinforcing itself and running the program. Communal rooms were the best, stocking up on toilettries and such, tasks that weren't exactly my specialty.

'Found it.'

I carried the article with me to the tub. Settling carefully so as to not wet the blade, I admired its sharp edge with reverence.

Miniscule drops speckled color on the steam-clouded liquid. Swirling and swirling, then fading into nothing.

Swirling... Fading... Tainting the transparency temporarily but soon getting lost in its abundance. Spiraling. Disappearing. Chipping the numbness away, bead by dripping bead.

"Anou, sumimasen," a voice that couldn't be mistaken for anyone but Hakkai drifted from the outside. Splash. A metallic clang was accompanied by the sounds of drowning.

"Gojyo!" Worry clung to his words. "Are you alright!"

Sputtering, "I'm fine, I'm fine." Water had entered my mouth and nose. It had that tangy taste you could almost associate to rusted steel. "I fell asleep on the tub and you surprised me."

"Are you sure you don't need anything..?" Doubt slipped into his tone. "You shouldn't stay too long in the bath, you might catch a cold.."

"This is no river were talking about. It's still lukewarm." The brunette couldn't know, now could he?

"But--"

"I'm no kid. Can take of myself, okay." He hesitated, whispering, "Just hurry up in there," before steps lead into one of the nearby rooms.

I tidied up my mess.

Of the three of us, I was the least useful to the highest ranked monk. Goku provided him with warmth and affection. Hakkai provided him reason and counsel. I gave him insults and innuendos.

I've already accepted the fact that I will always be - will only be - a mere companion to him on this reckless, foolhardy trip. But at that moment, it was me that he needed. Not Goku. Not Hakkai. Me.

So I let him. Even though I knew that nothing would ever change between us and that night of mutual weakness will only be gone into the depths of his anguished subconscious.

I smudged the track of the still slightly fresh wound, dejected as another reminder of futility healed upon my face. I covered up the scars with my hair. 'Figures.'

Now that I've thought about it, it would've been better if he had just shot me through the head. Hell, he'd already taken out the few remaining pieces of the part that pumped life to it.

A thunderous knock on the door. "Oi erokappa! Aren't you done yet! You've been there all morning!"

"Actually, it's more of the whole night.." I mumbled. Self-mockery was indeed a great sport.

"What!"

"Nothing!"

I took a deep breath and turned the door open. As I expected, everybody was back to their old self. I should do the same. No recognition, gratitude, nor anything in cold, amethyst eyes. Looking up from the bandages I'd circled around both wrists, nothing sprang up from their crisp whiteness. And so I faced them all with a smile.

While inside...

Note: But do I claim the rights to the little girl mentioned here. --- beam ---

ore wa omae no mono shika nee - literally 'I can't be anything but be yours.' but I meant to use, 'I am yours only.' Such cheese shouldn't be said. Gojyo would kill me. Sanzo would help. Me dedz.XD

Final edit: 04/18/2005

If I edit this anymore...