Summary: That goofy exterior hides a world of hurt.


Part III:


Xander, after finishing the kata, cleaned and stacked the mats, wiping off all specks of dirt – even the invisible ones.

"Xander… when, how, where?"

He turned in response to the question – and saw what he'd feared most. Behind that curiosity, Xander could see suspicion and… Giles was afraid.

Damn! DamndamndamndamnDAMN!!

The expression in the Watcher's eyes seared him, and he turned away. "I'll answer your question, G-man, but don't expect me to look at you while I do it. If you fear me that much, the least I can do is give you distance and a clear target."

Giles could see the effect that his distrust was having on the younger man, but pushed aside the sense of remorse. He needed to know – for everyone's safety, he told himself – what else Xander had been hiding.

"In order," Xander continued. "When was the Halloween that Ethan Rayne turned us all into our costumes. How – well, I found out the hard way that if one component was affected, so was the rest of the costume, whether we'd bought it from Rayne's shop or not. The fatigues I was wearing were used, Giles. I didn't just turn into a military guy. I turned into a specific military guy – an Air Force major with extensive Black Ops experience. The fatigues were a set that he'd used while attending the Air Force Academy, when he had a little less bulk and was a couple inches shorter."

He took a deep breath before concluding his answer. "The where, of course, was right here on the jolly old Hellmouth."



Inside of ten minutes, Giles had called everyone together and temporarily closed The Magic Box. Well, isn't this going to be pleasant? The tone of Xander's thoughts would have matched the sarcasm in his voice… if he'd felt like speaking. He knew… he just knew that they were going to want to know things that he wouldn't allow himself to tell them.

Giles looked at him, wordlessly commanding that he repeat what he had just told the Watcher. What an interesting day this has been. I already have one person refusing to trust me… shall we go for four more? Five, if I count Anya. Glaring at the older man, he explained the skills that he had shown Giles… and watched all hell break loose.

The exclamations of surprise, betrayal and suspicion echoed around the room until Xander dropped his head in his hands and forced himself to shut out the questions, the noise… the pain. He kept his eyes closed, grateful that none of his friends could see the expression on his face. Setting his face in the same mask the M.G. had always used when working with difficult SGC personnel, he set about preparing to answer the questions… or rather accusations… directed at him.

"First," he said, his voice controlled but angry, "if anyone dares to voice the suspicion – once again – that I am a demon or wizard and not, in fact, Xander Harris, will find that the last thing they see is my back as I walk out that door. Six years hasn't really done anything to convince you that I'm anything more than the carefree goofy Scooby, has it? Willow knows that my dearly beloved – and often drunk – parents both thought a good smack cured a lot of problems… and yet, no one thinks that by now, I might have learned to duck?"

"Second," he continued, "I heard someone ask why I hadn't been using these skills before. The answer to that one, kiddies, is very simple." Ok, now I'm starting to sound like O'Neill. M.G. spent a little too much time around him. "I have his memories, yes, but having knowledge does not mean that I have the skill. I mean, hey, I've got an absolutely fantastic recipe for chicken cacciatore floating around in my head, but every time I try to make it, it ends up looking, well… toxic. I knew what to do, but I was not in any shape to do it. I wasn't conditioned… I didn't have the strength, the flexibility or the stamina at the beginning to do anything close to what Giles saw me do today. If I'd tried these moves in a combat situation before I was physically ready to use them, I would have been a liability. I would have ended up hurt – at the least – and if any of you had stayed to help me, you could have ended up dead. It all depends on the situation."

He ended with something of a sigh. "Giles, you're a tactician… more or less. Surely you can see the logic in this."

Giles didn't say anything… but he did nod. Well, Xander thought, that has to be a point in my favor, at least.

"Well," Buffy said, "I am totally with the not wanting to use the serious moves until you were ready, but what about the other knowledge that's floating around in your Xander-riffic little head?"

"Other knowledge, other knowledge," Xander mused, relaxing slightly since Buffy's tone seemed to be edging back into the non-threatening zone. "Other knowledge like my now-impressive vocabulary of Italian curse words? Or other knowledge like how to field strip almost any automatic firearm known to the American military – whether it was actually made in this country or not?"

"I was actually thinking other knowledge like Military Guy's name, what he does…?"

"He doesn't do anything now, Buffster. I'm not 100%, but I'm thinking that he died a few months after our most memorable episode of Halloween on the Hellmouth. As for what he did… I can't tell you that, Buff, but it's no threat to us."

Giles' voice had gone cold again when he spoke. "Why can't you tell us, Xander?"

"Loving the distinct lack of trust here, G-man, really. You want a reason, Giles? I can give you several. One – it's classified. I'm not supposed to know it in the first place, much less tell anyone else. Two – most of his team members and his friends are still working with this particular project. Spilling the beans could end up getting them very dead and that would kinda run counter to the Scooby mission of protecting humanity. Three – if anyone ever found out that I spilled this info, I would be tried and convicted of treason, and I'm not going there."

"Four," he said, his voice growing softer, colder. His eyes blazed with anger at a man who had rarely ever taken him seriously. "Four – I see no reason to divulge their secrets to you when I would not divulge yours to them. Add to that the fact that you're having a real 'hypocritical bastard' moment, here, Giles, and I think that's enough reason for anybody. They are no threat to anyone here, G-man, and I will not spread knowledge that could pose a threat to them. I can't do that, Giles. You do not need to know everything. Their work has nothing to do with demons, nothing to do with Sunnydale, and really isn't your concern. If that's a problem… if you feel that you can't trust me to watch over my friends simply because you underestimated my ability to do so, please, let me know. I can leave."

"Xander, don't." Willow's voice – previously silent – made him pause. Instead of heading toward the door, he sat back down. Stupid, Harris… very, very stupid. I should have kept my mouth shut.



Part IV