Part IV:

Xander repressed the urge to run his hands through his hair and took another look at his shocked friends. I need more sleep. Much as he wanted out of there, he knew he would stay. Willow had asked, after all – his 'bestest bud.' He never could refuse her anything.

"Alright," he said. "I'll calm down if you will, Giles. I understand that you're nervous – after all, you thought you knew pretty much everything there was to know about me, and this is a hell of a wrench to throw in the works. However, I also expect you to respect the fact that my life is my own. Yes, these memories are a part of me now, and some of them may be important to this team. You have to realize that I will inform you if something I know would be useful to us, and that those things I keep secret are kept that way because it has nothing to do with this particular fight, and, if revealed, would compromise the safety of people that the Major considered to be family. I will not betray this team – my friends – but, by the same token, I cannot betray his team, his friends. He was a good man and he died fighting for what he thought was right. I will not make that sacrifice meaningless by turning my back on everything he fought for. Do you have a problem with that?"

Giles stared at him, saying nothing. In Xander's eyes – though relatively shielded – Giles could see the deep wound caused by his distrust. Have I spent too much time here, he wondered, that I would be so willing to believe the worst of someone who's always stood by Buffy and Willow… even before he knew how to fight? He mentally reviewed a few of the things that Xander had revealed… the information about the young man's drunk – and abusive – parents striking a chord deep within him. He hadn't known about that. Why didn't I know about that?

Xander, misinterpreting Giles' silence to mean complete rejection, simply rested his head in his hands. He couldn't leave, after all. I never realized it could hurt like this. I mean, I never told him about the really big, ugly stuff, but he was always there… even if he never knew it, I could always go to him when Dad was drunk. Will he turn away, too, because I wouldn't betray the Major's friends, because I didn't tell him that I could take care of myself? Where will it go from here?

He sighed, and spoke again, "G-man, I know you. You… for some reason… trusted the Xander that you knew, and suddenly, you don't think that I'm him anymore. You feel betrayed. You think that I don't trust you because I didn't tell you. The point is that I do trust you… but I wasn't ready to explain this, even to myself. Everyone here has something in their past that they never told the rest of us… or that shocked us when we found out. Giles, with you it was 'Ripper.' With Tara, it was finding out that she might be a demon… even though she isn't. With Willow, well… actually, finding out that she liked girls was no big deal – temporarily weird, given that she used to date guys, but no big deal. This, this is my thing."

"No one objected to Oz being a werewolf; we just dealt with it. He was still Oz… just got a little furry. I'm still Xander; I just knew things that I couldn't tell you. They're not my secrets to tell, guys. They're his. Truth be told, I have used several of his skills to help our little Scooby selves. It's not just anybody who could walk out of a military base with a rocket launcher. And how did you think I got the dynamite for graduation? If it weren't for the Major, if it weren't for his memories, I wouldn't have been able to do that. I might have had the ability, but I wouldn't have had the knowledge, and no chance of getting past the sentry."

"Of course," he continued, "that's presuming that I could have lived that long without his knowledge in my head. I have never kept anything from any of you if it could help. Is there anything I can do to convince you of that… or should I not even bother?"

Xander's head was pounding again, and he realized that he probably needed to drink something or run the risk of getting dehydrated. Seeing the look of alarm on Willow's face, he smiled. "I'm not leaving, Wills; I promise. I'm just grabbing a glass of water."

He got the water and drank it slowly while standing in the kitchen. This would give the others a chance to talk… and give him a chance to think.



Despite Xander giving them time to speak about the situation, no one was saying anything in the main room of The Magic Box. Dawn looked at Buffy. Buffy looked at Giles. Giles wasn't really looking at anything. Tara looked at Willow. Willow… stared blankly at the table. Anya… just dusted the counter and counted the cash.

"Giles, we need to talk about this, you know."

"Yes. Yes, Buffy, I suppose we do, but I don't precisely know where to start."

"Well, we got Xander's take on things. What's yours, oh Wise, Watcher-person?"

Giles removed his glasses, taking a handkerchief out of his pocket so that he could clean them. "Events could have happened as Xander related them. It is quite possible that the used clothing could have retained the essence of the former wearer. I don't quite know. I've never heard of anything… precisely like this, but there is little chance that he could have learned those moves on his own, and I don't believe that there have been military personnel in Sunnydale – with that level of skill – since the Initiative left. What I saw represents years of dedicated training… and he would have had to train to physically condition himself. Xander said as much."

"But Xander didn't do anything, Giles, and you've been treating him like he has." Willow's soft voice was a bit of shock, given her recent silence. "He didn't plan for Rayne to cast that spell. He didn't do this to himself… and he's right, you know. If he hadn't been Military Guy, there's no way any of us would have had access to the rocket launcher or the dynamite."

"True enough, Willow, though I must admit to wondering why he kept it to himself. Why didn't he trust us enough to tell us what was going on?"

"That one's easy, Giles. He was afraid we would act exactly the way we did. With the way his parents treat him… well, he probably expected us to react badly, no matter when he told us, so he wanted to delay it as long as he could."

"Okay, Wills." Dawn spoke tentatively. "Obviously I'm missing some details. I know Xander's parents aren't the best, but… could you explain, please?"

Willow was torn. She knew that if the rest of the group really wanted to understand Xander, they had to be told about this, but what if Xander didn't want her to say anything?

Looking up, she saw Xander standing in the doorway. She started to speak once she saw him nod.





Part V