Disclaimer: Kathryn and my other friend do not own anything. Especially not Kathryn, someone owns every part of her body 'cept her belly button, which you wont even get if you steal. 

Elrond's Secret Shagging Cupboard

-=-=-=-=-=-The Delivering of Letters-=-=-=-=-=-

Being drunk and high Elrond didn't realize the postmen couldn't understand where to post the letters if the only thing on the envelope is something like: "Grandope" or "Sour-on". Luckily, the 3 Holy fairies of High had the wits to notice this and posted the letters themselves.

Pipeweed Fairy * reaches into box and pulls out a handful of letters of which five are purple, shoves the others back into the box * "I've got 'Borameer', 'Legolam', 'Alagon', 'Galadree-L' and 'Kelabong'." Scone Fairy and Athelas do the same.

"I've got 'Meriadook', 'Perigoop', 'Freddo' and 'Samdunb'?" Scone said.

"Sheesh, he must have been drunk!" Pipeweed exclaimed.

Athelas sighed. "I suppose I get stuck with all the unpopular people. 'Tom Bumbadonk', 'Goldpotty', 'Gimleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee', 'Sour-on', 'Sour-man', 'Grandope' and 'Treebum'."

"OK!" Scone said a little too enthusiastically. "Let's get these letters posted!"

"And I'll hire some random 'entertainment'." Athelas smirked evilly.

"Please, don't do anything too drastic." Pipeweed tried to reason.

"Ok," Athelas said innocently.

All three Fairies yelled "AWAY!" so quickly that neither Pipeweed nor Scone saw Athelas's fingers crossed behind her back.

****

The Pipeweed Fairy landed graceful in Mirkwood to find the wood land king, Thranduil, a little tipsy, ok VERY Tipsy, pissed Legolas was hanging his head in shame, but the guest of honor, Aragorn, seemed to be enjoying the show.

"Oh my god!" Said Pipeweed in disgust. "Blondie," she said to Legolas. "For the first and last time in your pitiful little life I pity you." She took a deep breath and yelled (or screeched knowing her voice): "EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" like the good little doggies they were they all shut up. "Ok," Pipeweed continued a bit quieter. "I'm looking for a 'Legolam'…."

* Crickets heard in background, then the sound of bug spray being sprayed, no more cricket…. *

"Umm…." Pipe-girl continued pathetically. "Legolas?"

* Legolas jumps up and down waving arms * "Oh, oh that's me!"

Pipeweed threw him the purple envelope. "And an 'Alagon'…."

Aragorn, "Uhhh…. I think that's me!" moments later he was opening the letter.

"Cool!" Legolam- err… Legolas and Aragorn exclaimed. "A slumber party!"

"How come I wasn't invited!?" Thranduil asked.

"Ever heard of gate crashing?" Pipeweed said helpfully.

"Alright!"  He said and started muttering under his breath.

"Gotta go!" said Pipeweed.

"Bye!" said everyone as she disappeared to- well, if I knew we she was going I'd tell you but I don't so :P!

****

Oh I found her! She's err… well she right there!

"Dammit," she muttered under her breath. "Boromir's dead. Time for some magic!"

Now, if this were a normal fic the Pipeweed fairy would have a wand or staff or something but since this thing is totally and utterly mental my friend here had decided to be more 'original'. Is everyone ready for it?

Ginyu x Sailor Moon x the 'Great' Saiyaman moves. "WHOOOOOOOAHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEE Boromir get your dead arse down here!" * Boromir magically appears. * "Here," said Pipeweed handing him the purple envelope.

"Thanks," said Boromir, still getting orientated.

"Bye!" * Pipe-idiot leaves. *

****

The Scone Fairy appeared in a bag end where Sam, Merry and Pippin are having a guys night (so naturally Frodo wasn't invited.)

"So, Sam," Said Pippin, "How does Rosie keep you under control?"

"What?" Asked Sam.

"C'mon," Said Merry, "Estella whack me with a wooden spoon if I get outta line." * laugh *

"Yeah," said Pippin, "Diamond had a spatula!" *all Hobbits laugh *

"Ok," Sam confessed. "Rosie has the * shudders * F.P.O.D."

"Huh?" Pippin and Merry look at each other confused.

"The F.P.O.D. The * another shudder * Frying Pan Of Doom."

"That sounds scary," Said Merry.

"Trust me it is," Said Sam "We don't use it for fun either!"

"What do you use for fun then?" Asked the Scone Fairy, not really meaning to interfere. "I mean you have 13 kids."

"If you really want to know," said Sam. "It involves a leopard skin."

"OOOOHHHH….." said Pippin. "Sounds like fun."

"You wish," Said Sam.

"Well at least I don't have 'dreams'." Said Merry.

"'Dreams'?" said Sam. "What the…"

"You always talk in your sleep when Rosie's away," said Pippin. "'Oh Mr. Frodo!'"

"And your actions," said Merry. "They're so bad I don't wanna talk about it,

"As fascinating as this conversation is," Scony-babe interrupted. "I did come here for a reason."

"What?" asked the Hobbits.

"To give you these!" Scony-babe handed them the purple envelopes. "Bye," with that she left.

****

The Athelas Fairy arrived on a lonely mountain. She took a deep breath.

"Ok," She said, "I can do this," she held her nose

"Excuse me!" she said. "I'm looking for someone named 'Gimleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee'?"

 "What?" said Everyone.

"Ummm…. Gimli?"

Gimli walked towards her and she hands him the invite.

"BYE!" and she left as quick as she could.

Ginyu x Sailor Moon x the 'Great' Saiyaman moves.

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEE Sauron get your dead arse….. ummmm….. eye over here…… and you might want to bring a body with you." Sauron appears with the leader of the Ring Wraiths. 

She handed the Wraith the envelope. "Shreik," It said in gratitude.

She psyched herself up for the Ginyu x Sailor Moon x the 'Great' Saiyaman moves. "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEE Sauruman get your dead arse over here!" Sauruman appeared and Athy handed him the envelope and Sauruman reads the front, "'Sour-man'? Who sent this?" he opened the envelope. "Ah 'L-Rond!"

"Bye!" She said, "Now, to Tom and Gold botty." And disappeared only to reappeared at Tom's house and knocked on the door. No answer. "Dammit," she says. "No one's home." So she put the envelope under the door.

****

All fairies arrive at SHFOHHQ (Secret Holy Fairies Of High Head Quarters). "I've posted all the letters except for the one's in the grey havens." They all say together.

"Well, let's go." Scony-babe said.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHWAWAWAWAWAWA BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP Get up to the havens now!"

Soon they were all at the grey havens.

"Wait a sec," Pipe-girl said. "Didn't Elrond go to the grey havens?"

"Yeah," Scony said thoughtfully. "What's he doing in Rivendell?"

Then they heard Galadriel's voice inside their heads.

"He left when he found out that they banned Athelas, and of course he took Celebrian with him."

"What?!" Shouted the Athelas fairy so loud the other's ears were bleeding. "HOW COULD THEY BAN ATHELAS?!"

Then…. Dun dun dun…. Galadriel appeared.

"You're forgetting. They're Them. They can defy all laws of physics and basically
reality itself."

"Hmph," Athy was grumpy.

"Take these and give them to people." Scony ordered. "Please don't mind the spelling."

* The Holy Fairies Of High leave the havens *