Summary: The thoughts of two.





If anyone had looked, they would have seen Giles in his office. It was true enough that he was physically there, but mentally was a somewhat different matter. Sitting in his desk chair, where he had slumped upon reaching his office – shortly after Xander and Willow had left – he was in no shape to care where his glasses had landed when he'd tossed them at his desk. He vaguely knew that it would be better if they'd landed on top, but whether they actually had was beyond his line of thought. Some part of him also remembered a cup of tea sitting on his desk… tea that had gone cold quite some time ago.

The Watcher was of two minds right now… and they seemed diametrically opposed to each other. Having seen Dawn writing in her journal shortly before he closed the office door, Giles decided to follow her lead… and make a list.

Did Xander keep a secret? The answer to that one was undoubtedly "yes."

As a corollary, did that secret pose a threat – or appear to pose a threat to the "Scooby Gang?" Giles, for the moment, left that one unanswered, as he truly didn't know.

Also as a corollary, what makes this secret worse than any that I've kept from this group? For that, Giles tallied up a separate list of secrets he'd kept until it was absolutely necessary to reveal them… or until the others had discovered them independently. He had kept quiet about his past as Ripper… pretty much until that Halloween that would be permanently associated with Ethan Rayne. He'd kept silent about the Cruciamentum until the last possible moment. He'd kept silent… on so many things. Buffy still did not know what had motivated Snyder to readmit her to Sunnydale High, and he had no intention of telling her now.

What makes his secret worse than any that the others have kept? The first thing that came to Giles' mind was how Buffy had never mentioned that Angel had returned from Hell, fearing – rightly – how the others would react.

Fearing – rightly – how the others would react. He looked at what he had just written, and sat back in thought. Willow mentioned that Xander feared our reaction… was doubtless worried that we'd think him either a danger… or a freak, unusual… different. Even when I was furious at Buffy for hiding Angel, I still spoke to her. Why won't I talk to Xander? What makes him – of all the individuals here – the one person with whom I cannot break barriers? I know that he will explain what he can. I know that we need to speak with one another… so why have I said nothing to reassure him that he is still welcome in this group?

Giles gently placed his pen on the desk, rubbed his aching eyes and looked around for his glasses. They lay – thankfully unbroken – on the floor near the front left corner of his desk. Cleaning them and slipping them on, he read over the list again… and again… and again.




First, I'm a demon… but it turns out that I'm really not. Oh, yes, and dating a girl, which daddy and the rest of the family would have thought was worse… if they'd figured it out. Mixed in with that was the Initiative, Willow's personal version of "Meet the Family" all for me – except it was more of a "Meet the Ex-Boyfriend Who's a Werewolf and Wants to Rip You to Shreds Because You Slept With Willow" kind of thing.

Every day Willow's magic gets stronger and stronger. How long will it be until it overwhelms me? Vampires, demons, the Amy-rat – how can anyone know all of this and still live a normal life?

When I got involved with Willow, I never realized exactly what that would mean, and every morning just reinforces the fact that I was never really taught how to handle this. The Night of Silence just shoved me into the demon-fighting world with no way of knowing exactly what I was doing.

After the Initiative left, the group had a tame vampire – more or less. How weird is that when you consider that these people are supposed to kill vampires? And now I'm hearing that Xander apparently isn't who we thought he was… and something about a rocket launcher.. and dynamite? No one told me this. No one told me anything about dynamite and a rocket launcher and a Halloween that apparently turned Xander into some kind of soldier boy who possessed knowledge of an awful lot of ways to kill people.

And when, during any of this, did I ever agree to losing my sanity – temporarily or otherwise – by way of Glory, Hell Goddess Extraordinaire?

I came here thinking to get away from the weirdness and oppression that was my family – and only seemed to run straight into something worse… on some levels, anyway. I love Willow. I really do, but… sometimes she scares me. Not because of her magic, because it's good… but there's just so much of it.

And she stood there and acted like she didn't think Xander was in the slightest bit dangerous. How can he not be dangerous when he has access to things like rocket launchers and dynamite? Isn't the Hellmouth hazardous enough without that stuff floating around?

She knew about Xander's childhood and never told anybody, but doesn't she see that that could make him more aggressive? Abuse is a cycle; abusers were often abused themselves as children. What happens if Xander starts to do that? Doesn't she know that if he got angry at her, these new skills in his head would tell him exactly how to kill her? This new person is military, Black Ops, lethal…

Or… is it actually a new person? Have I ever known Xander at all? Does anything in this town make sense?

Willow… what's going on?

Tara stared blankly at the door, and couldn't decide if she really wanted to know the answer to that last mental question.



Part VIII