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Ancillae
Chapter Three: Twilight
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By ten o'clock, I can no longer ignore the urgent need I have to use the bathroom. My damned pride is about to take a hit.
"H. I…Can…" I growl at my inability to ask a simple question.
He looks up from the open fridge and seems to understand without any further statement from me. Which is just fine because any time I open my mouth, I make problems. His hands lace with mine and he pulls me up. I don't need the help, but I like the touch. It's human.
Somehow we make it to our destination without Megan being aware that we've left the room, and he politely turns away while I attempt to relieve myself. Once I do, I let him know I'm decent and wash my hands. I don't know why but my eyes are attracted to the tub. I loved it once. It's nothing special. Just white ceramic, but it betrayed me in the worst of ways.
"Speed? You can bathe you know. I don't think there's anything…" His brow furrows as he tries to recall if there was anything dangerous in the vicinity. I don't really care. I'll use Pam's shower tonight if I can rid myself of these two.
"I'm fine." That phrase has lost all meaning to me and probably every person within a two-mile radius of this apartment, "I don't smell incredibly bad, do I?"
"No. Not yet."
Oh, the humor.
"Caelyn's the one everyone likes." I don't know why I said that, but it comes out before I can stop it.
"She is." His hands are drifting to his hips. I don't think he even realizes that he's doing it anymore.
"I'm warm."
He touches my forehead, "You don't have a fever. I'll turn the AC up when we get back into the living room." I should seriously just move my bed out there. It would save time.
My stereo suddenly blares out Nirvana, and I revel in Meg's small shriek. As we return, she is scrambling through the buttons, presumably looking for the volume control.
"Turn the knob counter-clockwise." I instruct her. My eardrums are happy when the sound lessens.
She frowns when she hears the lyrics, and searches for something else. My collection is made up of mostly rock, punk, and heavy metal. I'm not big on the crap from the radio. After looking through all the titles twice, she does something I wish she'd do with me – give the fuck up. She whines to herself and turns it off.
Stepping my way in the kitchen, I note that H is still following me, but ends up sitting at the table as it gives him a good view of everything in the room. Which screws over my plans.
I know there is one knife they didn't find. It's a switchblade I'd bought a long time ago to give to Matt's uncle. It was meant to be a repayment for letting me live with him. Didn't work out that way. Its purpose now is the same as the ones that cut food, as the razor I'd had in my bathroom until yesterday – to make me human.
"It's Saturday. Shouldn't you be home?" It's a diversionary tactic covered by a veil of curiosity.
"No. Yelena demanded she have some time with her niece." He responds quickly, then narrows his eyes, "It's not there, by the way."
"What are you talking about?" A spike of both fear and need race through me.
He stands and lugs his way to me. Once at my side, he pulls the tiles away.
The blade is gone.
"How'd you know?"
"He didn't. I found it by accident last night." Megan appears in the room, one hand rising to my shoulder. I flinch away from her touch. I am not very happy with her for taking away my last escape.
I suddenly am hit with the overwhelming need for air. Have to get away. My feet are moving me before my brain registers it and I find myself on my balcony. I grasp the white railing as tightly as my fingers can.
"TIM!"
It's a screech from my friend, who has caught me with the one weapon they are unable to take from me. My nails are a rather interesting approach. I haven't done it since the bombing case.
She wrenches my hand away, "Horatio?"
"I'm calling her right now." He's in my bedroom, the cordless already dialed. Any ideas to who he's calling? "Caelyn McGavin, please."
"No. I won't go!" I sound all of five years old.
He has a brief conversation with the psychologist while Meg trains a hard stare at me, "You are going to get in that car, right now."
"And if I don't? You don't rule me! Hell, you're going to leave me again anyway. So why don't you make it sooner than later and Get. Out. Of. My. Home."
She blinks, "Christ, is that what you think I'm going to do? Leave you again?"
There are those fucking tears again, "Stop it." And I glare. I swear I can see any hope of changing going right over the side and dropping the three floors to the pool. I've just gotten rid of my best, and pretty much only friend. Now to work on the redhead.
Or so I think. Her hand closes around the front of my shirt, and my face is pulled to almost a hair of hers, "Timothy Jairus Speedle, listen to me very carefully. I made a mistake when I chose to leave. I screwed up. And in the process I hurt you badly." She pulls more of the fabric into the bunch, "You are extremely important to me, so I will make sure you get what you need. Horatio's been trying to convince me that you aren't any different than others who do this, that you will become desperate, and I didn't want to believe him. But the evidence is right here.
"Like it or not you are stuck with me forever now. I won't let you kill yourself of things that you could never have controlled." She huffs, freeing me.
That wasn't like her. Maybe she won't be ditching me just yet.
"Ready to go? Caelyn said she can take him as soon as we get to CSI." The boss is standing in the doorway to the outside, staring at she and I as we continue to eye one another.
"Go get in the car." Her previous tone of impatience has been replaced. Megan's back, her emotions eddying under the surface.
I sigh, shrug, and start for the door. Might as well not fight now. I know enough to pick my battles. Within minutes, I have reached the vehicle that will bring me to yet another judgmental person. She opens the back door for me and helps me in. I don't need it, but her fingers keep brushing across my wrist or my neck and I loathe when it ends.
They had to break into my life and turn me into some sort of fucking needy creature. I didn't crave anything before. Not even the stroke of my knives.
H slides in next to me while she puts it in gear. I realize this must be her rental.
"Here." He hands me a rubber band.
"What's this for?" I take it as I ask, and look up to him.
"Caelyn said it might help. When you need to, snap it lightly." He flicks his gaze up to her for a moment, then back at me, "I haven't told Calleigh and Eric anything about what's going on. They're concerned because of my behavior and yours yesterday, but they are waiting for you to talk to them."
"Oh." I'm busy snapping, pulling it back a good inch or two before I release it.
"Lightly." He reminds me as if I am too dense to recall what he said.
"Better like this."
His calloused hands stop me. They don't let go. Thank God we're only five minutes from CSI when he does this.
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Twelve is decidedly not my favorite hour. Neither during the day, nor during the night. I hold it in especially high contempt right now. Caelyn is talking to the boss and his co-conspirator outside the door. I hear snippets of their conversation, and am straining to listen to more when she turns. Entering the room, she smiles, and begins as though I don't realize she was just talking about me behind my back.
"Hello, Tim."
I glare at her, "It's Speed. You've worked around us enough to know my name."
"True." She smiles. This is funny to her. "Megan's told me about what's she's witnessed and I've talked with Horatio." She's going in for the kill… "And I've spoken with your previous therapist." There it is.
"What'd he have to say?"
"I never much liked Tal. He's too apt to say that someone needs to be institutionalized, when they just want to talk." Alright…maybe I'll give her a chance, "So what's your side to this?" Dear heavens and the powers that be – did she just ask for my side of this?
"My side…my side is that I'm fine. I know what I'm doing isn't good and I'm trying to stop."
3…2…1…
"One of the things your friends told me is that you are a bad liar. I'm glad to see they were correct. Lying doesn't solve problems."
I don't know how to reply except to continue my story, "I suppose they told you how long I've been cutting?"
"No. I prefer to hear such things from the people I'm speaking with." She skillfully avoids saying the word patient. Caelyn's got my attention now.
But I'm not going to give her that information at this session. It was the mistake I made last time. I told him too much because I was too quick to trust him. I won't do so again. "A long time." I sigh when she doesn't press for more, "My family doesn't know, even though my parents have both seen the cuts. I think my brother might have an inkling."
"You have a brother?"
I raise an eyebrow. Reason being that she has asked about my brother instead of my parents, "You didn't read…"
"I don't like reading up on people. I sometimes become judgmental when I do, and in this position, it could stand to be dangerous."
Finally, someone who makes sense, "His name is Jude. He's almost seventeen, so I guess he's not really so little anymore."
"Seventeen…what I wouldn't give to be that age again."
"Me too." I had hoped the train of thought I had would stay on that wonderful track of my brother. Too bad it derailed.
She's staring at me now, trying to gauge me by the looks of it, before she asks, "What happened when you were seventeen?" She must've noticed the tone of voice I took on when I replied to her.
"Nothing happened when I was seventeen." The truth. Elegantly arranged.
"Eighteen then."
How the hell did she know that? Oh, yeah, she talked to Megan. My best friend was bound to have mentioned something about Matt, "One of my friends got paralyzed." I can't stand the green eyes that are sucking me in, so I turn away, "We were close. We'd gotten into the same school, going to roommates, and for the summer we'd planned this great trip to Europe. We were going to go to England and then walk all through France, maybe go to Belgium. Just travel, ya' know?"
She smiles warmly and I wonder why it seems so familiar.
"But everything got fu…screwed up. I ended up going to college to find some way to help him. He couldn't go because of the quadriplegia, but he was a fighter. I studied, he had multiple surgeries." My face has some how risen from the floor, but I return it quickly to where it should be, "I was in my sophomore year when they called me. I had been out of class for five minutes when my one of my friends came running across the commons. He was all out of breath but I knew what he was going to say."
Okay, that's enough for today. I shut my mouth and look behind me. Almost all the doors in the building are made with glass and this one is no exception. For the illusion of privacy, she's covered it with sheer fabric. However, I know those profiles like the back of my hand. H and Meg are waiting for me.
"Planning your escape?" She chides.
"I've always dealt in my own way and this isn't something I'm comfortable with." Of course, my way of dealing with things is the root cause of why I'm here now, isn't it.
She nods, "Tal probably didn't help things in either department." She stands, "Well, if you're looking to go, then I won't keep you. I would like to see you again."
"I'm working tomorrow."
"Horatio may have other ideas on that."
Touché. I should've realized that. "Then I guess I'll see you at noon tomorrow." I tell her, then start to stand when she reaches out to touch my forearm. And of course it was the bandaged one. I flinch away, and pull at the sleeve so she can see.
She looks shocked momentarily, then concerned, "I'm sorry. They told me you did a number on yourself this time, but they didn't say where you are injured." I don't utter a word, "I wanted to ask if you'd like to pick a different place. I'm not very fond of this office."
"I'll think about it."
I'm released from her clutches, and practically dash out of the room – and into Megan's arms.
"Hungry?" She probes. I ate at ten p.m. and midnight, yet she's trying to get more in me. I wonder what it'll take to get her to lay off.
"Are you planning on asking me that every two hours?"
She shrugs, "You're thinner than I remember you being." Peering over my shoulder, she must see someone and begins walking toward the door. I follow out of, if nothing else, practice.
"SPEED!"
Oh. No. I don't want to be rude, but I really am not in the mood for Calleigh, "Hi."
"Laura was looking for you." She's working on being especially nice, trying to cover for whatever she perceives she can hide from me. Unfortunately, I can tell my secret is no longer of that status – she knows.
Her facial expression changes, when my gaze flickers away momentarily, "I'm sorry."
"For what?" As long as she doesn't tell me what Horatio told me, I'll be…
"For not noticing sooner."
I groan, "Don't. Alright? Just don't. I don't want any more apologies, I don't want any pity. Tell Delko that."
She's about to say something else, and I know it's another 'I'm sorry' when her lips purse together.
"What?"
"We were talking earlier. Eric and I." She sighs, "We just wanted to let you know that if you want to go to dinner tonight, we've got an extra reservation and we'd really like to have you come with. I promise."
Because your promises always come through in the end.
"I just want to go home and sleep right now."
The girl nods, and hugs me, "I mean it though. If you change your mind, you know how to reach us."
I am grateful when Megan steps in. She deflects the other's questions, and with a dull smile, takes my hand. I am led from the building with Horatio taking up the rear.
"Why did you tell them?" I ask once we are back in the confines of the car.
"I didn't. I promise, Speed, I would never do something like that without your consent. I told you that before." He's startled by what has just happened.
"Well, they had to have found out from someone!"
The car hasn't moved from the parking spot. That's when I feel the worst betrayal yet.
"You told?"
She turns in her seat so she can see both he and I, "They started putting two and two together and called me. You scared them with the way you left, and then Laura talked about the 'cat scratches' she saw on you." She closes her eyes, "They knew you don't own a cat, and they thought you might be doing drugs."
"At least if they thought that, I wouldn't have them treating me like a fucking porcelain doll!"
"Megan, let's go." The voice of reason seems to be the man beside me today, and she nearly hits someone as she reverses.
He's rubbing calm circles on my wrist. I abandoned the rubber band in Caelyn's office. It wasn't enough to make me feel. "I'd rather be on drugs." I mumble under my breath.
"It wouldn't make things any better or any easier." He lisps.
I am so drained from the day's events that it is a job in of itself to just keep my eyes open. All these years of cutting have left me anemic.
"We're only a few minutes from your apartment or I'd say you could go to sleep." He's teasing me. I prefer it to the intense seriousness everyone's been displaying. His fingers begin to withdraw to his lap, and I hear a foreign sound rumble from my lips.
I think I whimpered.
The fingers return to my wrist.
Why must my life be so fucking difficult? I'm not a bad person, am I? I treat kids well, the few women I've dated said I was a hopeless romantic, I give to charity when I have a little extra in my account. Yet somehow, I'm the one that has become the screw up. Things have not turned out the way I thought they would.
Megan speaks and I assume I said the last line aloud, "Nothing ever does. You just have to make the best of what you are given."
The car bounces as it goes over the speed bump at the beginning of the complex, and is then parked in a spot marked 'Visitor'. I dash as fast as I can to the elevator. I forgot H was a cop at one time – man, can he run. I wasn't running from him though, and he has to know it as he says nothing to me when he catches up. Nor does she.
I stab the call button, and the doors automatically open with metallic precision. H and I step in, "Meg?"
"I can't cook with the few things you have, so I'm going to borrow some from Calleigh." She says, "I'll be back soon. Play nice."
"Yes, mom." He throws back, and she wheels. I am momentarily overcoming with the desire to grab her arm, so she cannot leave me again, but I yell at my mind to shut up. She said she'd be coming back. The doors slide shut, the gravity pulling us down when we begin moving.
I sigh, and stare to the floor. It pings twice as we rise to the third floor. It opens, and we slip into the hallway. My neighbor is standing outside my door, "Mrs. Jahner?"
"Oh, Tim. There you are!" She smiles, her blind eye quivering, "Your father dialed the wrong number again. He asked that I tell you to call him."
She begins her retreat, and I call a thank you to her. Despite what she thinks, my phone number is not the same as her own and my father only calls Marge when he doesn't wish to speak directly to me. I am well aware of what he's going to say, so I open the door and make no motions to use the phone
Horatio is staring at me.
"Dad's calling to ask if I'm coming home for my mother's birthday. I already told him I'm working the day of the party, but he won't give up until I give in."
"I could call him."
My head moves in the negative, "It's not a big deal."
"You should call them." He's not talking about the party. He wants me to contact them to explain what is going on right now.
"I should." I give a non-committal grunt. I'm not ready to deal with my family yet. I curl my fingertips into my palms. I want to stay up, if only to make sure Megan does come back.
Exhaustion is taking me over.
I don't want to sleep. Not yet.
But the darkness is sucking me in, and I'm too weak to fight it.
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*v* Cassie Jamie *v*
cj.1@cassie-jamie.com