Inuyasha and the Holy Tama
By ArtikGato
This chapter contains the next two scenes, okay?
Part Two
D. The Black Knight
E. Witches weigh the same as ducks!
FADE IN
EXT. A FOREST WITH A CLEARING IN THE MIDDLE AND A BRIDGE
(INUYASHA, KAGOME, and SHIPPO ride through the forest, when they happen apon a little clearing in which two knights are duking it out in a bloody battle of epic proportions!! There is the BLACK KNIGHT and the NOT QUITE AS BLACK BUT STILL PRETTY DARN BLACK KNIGHT)
BLACK KNIGHT
YAAAAAAH!!!
(charges at the NOT QUITE AS BLACK BUT STILL PRETTY DARN BLACK KNIGHT)
NOT QUITE AS BLACK BUT STILL PRETTY DARN BLACK KNIGHT
YAAAAARRRGHHH!!
(charges at the BLACK KNIGHT)
BLACK KNIGHT
HIYAH!!!
(slashes with his sword)
NOT QUITE AS BLACK BUT STILL PRETTY DARN BLACK KNIGHT
WAAHHH!!
(runs in terror)
BLACK KNIGHT
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!
(throws his sword, which somehow impales the NOT QUITE AS BLACK BUT STILL PRETTY DARK BLACK KNIGHT through his visor.
The NOT QUITE AS BLACK BUT STILL PRETTY DARK BLACK KNIGHT dies
KAGOME AND SHIPPO
EEEWWWWW!!!!
INUYASHA
(rides up with Kagome and Shippo cowering behind him in disgust)
You fight with the strength of many men, Sir...what's your name??
KAGOME AND SHIPPO
(facefault)
BLACK KNIGHT
(silent)
INUYASHA
Umm... I am Inuyasha, Lord of the
Hanyous, Humans, and Demons!
BLACK KNIGHT
(silent)
INUYASHA
(arches eyebrow)
I seek the finest warriors in the land
to join me in my court at Camelot.
BLACK KNIGHT
(silent)
INUYASHA
Come on now, won't you join me?
BLACK KNIGHT
(silent)
INUYASHA
You make me sad. Come, Patsy!
SHIPPO
IF YOU CALL ME PATSY ONE MORE TIME I WILL SET
YOU ON FIRE YOU BLOODY TWO-BIT
EXCUSE FOR A DEMON!!
INUYASHA
(ignores Shippo)
(sighs)
Oh well.
(makes a move to go past the BLACK KNIGHT)
BLACK KNIGHT
None shall pass.
(as a side note, the BLACK KNIGHT is NARAKU. ^_^)
INUYASHA
Eh?
BLACK KNIGHT
I said, none shall pass.
INUYASHA
I don't want any trouble, good man,
but I must cross this bridge.
BLACK KNIGHT
Then you shall die.
INUYASHA
That's nice...but I command you,
as King of the Hanyous, to stand aside!
BLACK KNIGHT
I move for no man or demon alive.
INUYASHA
But I'm neither, I'm a hanyou.
BLACK KNIGHT
I don't move for hanyous either!!
INUYASHA
Very well then!
INUYASHA and the BLACK KNIGHT engage in BATTLE. They FIGHT for a WHILE, but then INUYASHA slashes the BLACK KNIGHT'S ARM off.
INUYASHA
Now stand aside!!
BLACK KNIGHT
(checks himself)
'Tis but a scratch!
INUYASHA
A scratch?! Your arm's off!
BLACK KNIGHT
Yeah right.
INUYASHA
Well, what's that then?
(points at the severed arm)
BLACK KNIGHT
(looks at it, then looks back at Inuyasha)
I've had worse!
INUYASHA
You lie!
BLACK KNIGHT
Come on, you pansy!!
(charges at INUYASHA again)
INUYASHA
Eyaaaah!
(slashes his OTHER ARM off)
Yes! Victory is mine!
(kneels down to pray)
Oh great Lord I thank you for-
BLACK KNIGHT
(kicks INUYASHA right in the head)
Hah! Is that the best you can do?!
INUYASHA
...what in bloody heck?!
BLACK KNIGHT
Take that!
(kicks INUYASHA)
INUYASHA
Hey! Stop that! You are indeed brave,
sir knight, but the fight is mine! Now MOVE!!!
BLACK KNIGHT
What's the matter, had enough yet?
INUYASHA
Look, stupid, you've got no arms left.
BLACK KNIGHT
Yes I have!
INUYASHA
(points at the severed arms)
Then why are they on the ground over there?!
BLACK KNIGHT
(checks himself again)
'Tis only a flesh wound!! Come on ya PANSY!!!
(kicks INUYASHA again)
INUYASHA
Hey!! Stop that!!
BLACK KNIGHT
Chicken! Chicken!! Bawk bawk bawk!!!
INUYASHA
That's IT!!
(slashes the BLACK KNIGHT's RIGHT LEG off)
BLACK KNIGHT
I'll get you for that!
INUYASHA
What in Kami-sama's name?!
BLACK KNIGHT
Come here, I'll mess you up good!!
INUYASHA
(rolls eyes)
What are you going to do, bleed on me?!
BLACK KNIGHT
I am invincible!!
INUYASHA
You're a looney!
KAGOME AND SHIPPO
As if that's a new thing...
BLACK KNIGHT
The Black Knight always truimphs!!
Get over here now!!
INUYASHA
You annoy me.
(slashes the BLACK KNIGHT's LEFT LEG off)
BLACK KNIGHT
(looks around)
Fine, we'll call it a draw.
INUYASHA
Pfffsh. Whatever you say. Come on, let's go.
INUYASHA, KAGOME, and SHIPPO cross the bridge
BLACK KNIGHT
Oh, running away, huh!! You yellow bastard!
Come back here and get what you deserve!!
I'll bite your kneecaps off!!
INUYASHA
Shaddup.
FADE IN
EXT. AN OLD STYLE RENNAISSANCE VILLAGE WITH A LARGE PLATFORM
(A KNIGHT, aka SANGO, is standing on a PLATFORM in front of a LARGE ROWDY CROWD, who apparently have found a WITCH, aka KIKYO. SANGO is in the process of tying a COCONUT to a SWALLOW when the CROWD runs up.)
RANDOM PERSON #1
We have found a witch, may we burn her?!
CROWD
BURRRRNNNN!! BURRRRNNNN!!!
SANGO
How do you KNOW that she is a witch?!
RANDOM PERSON #2
She looks like one!
CROWD
Yeah! Yeah!
SANGO
(sighs)
Show her to me, then.
KIKYO is brought to the front of the CROWD. She is wearing BLACK CLOTHING, a BLACK HAT, and has a CARROT tied to her NOSE.
SANGO
(looks at her)
Well, she may not be a witch, but she's certainly
something that rhymes with it...
LET'S BURN HER!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Suddenly, a LARGE MOOSE drops from the SKY and lands beside SANGO.
MOOSE
That's not your line!!
SANGO
Aigh!! A talking moose!! God save us!!
MOOSE
I'll go away once you say the right line!
SANGO
Umm...okay.
KIKYO
I'm not a witch!
SANGO
But you're dressed like one.
The MOOSE, satisfied that it's JOB is done for NOW, EVAPORATES.
KIKYO
THEY dressed me up like this!
(points at the crowd)
CROWD
No no no! We didn't!
KIKYO
And this isn't my real nose either!!
It's a carrot!
SANGO
(takes off the carrot)
Oh, I see then.
RANDOM PERSON #3
Well...we did do the nose.
SANGO
The nose?
RANDOM PERSON #4
...and the hat. But she is a witch!!
CROWD
BURN!! BURRRRNNNN!!!
SANGO
Did you dress her up like this?
CROWD
No!! Of course not!
(silence)
RANDOM PERSON #5
Yes...we did.
CROWD
Well...yes...we did...kinda..
RANDOM DEMON #1
But she HAS got a wart!!
SANGO
But what makes you think she is a witch?
RANDOM PERSON #6
She turned me into a slug!!
(silence)
SANGO
A slug?
RANDOM PERSON #6
Maybe it was a newt...but I got better!!
CROWD
BURN HER ANYWAY!!
BUUUUUURRRRNNNNN!!
SANGO
Be quiet! There are WAYS of telling if she is a witch or not!
CROWD
There are? TELL US!!
TELLLLL UUUUSSS!!
SANGO
Now, what do you do with witches?
CROWD
BUUURRNNN THEM!!!
BURRRRNNNNNN THEEMMMMM!!!
SANGO
And what do you burn apart from witches?
RANDOM DEMON #2
MORE WITCHES!!!
(silence)
RANDOM DEMON #3
...wood?
SANGO
Right. Now, why do witches burn?
CROWD
Because...they're...made out of wood?
SANGO
Good! Now how do we tell whether
or not she's made out of wood?
RANDOM PERSON #7
Build a bridge out of her!
SANGO
But can you not also build
bridges out of stone?
RANDOM PERSON #7
Oh...right...
SANGO
Tell me this, does wood sink in water?
CROWD
No no!! It floats!!
RANDOM DEMON #4
Throw her into the pond!!
CROWD
YEAAAHHH!!
SANGO
All right, BE QUIET!! That's NOT what I meant!
Now, what else floats in water?
RANDOM DEMON #1
Bread!
RANDOM HUMAN #1
Apples!
RANDOM HUMAN #3
Uh...very small rocks!
RANDOM DEMON #2
Children!
RANDOM HUMAN #5
Flowers!
RANDOM DEMON #10
Mud!!
RANDOM HUMAN #14
Temples! Temples!
RANDOM DEMON #156
Lead! Lead!
INUYASHA
(sighs and rolls his eyes)
DUCKS!!
(Side note: INUYASHA, KAGOME, and SHIPPO rode up some time during the previous scene.)
The crowd is silent and everyone looks at INUYASHA
SANGO
Exactly!!
(turns back to the crowd)
So, logically...
RANDOM PERSON #87
If she weighs the same as a duck...
(brief silence)
CROWD
A witch!! A WIIIITCCCCHHHH!!!
SANGO
Now, I just need a duck...
SHIPPO
Here, I'll turn into one!
(SHIPPO turns into a DUCK with a POOF)
There!
SANGO
Right! Now we shall use the largest scales!!
CROWD
Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
KAGOME
BURN HER!!! BURN HER!!
(everyone looks at her)
What? I've got a vendetta against her!
They weigh KIKYO and SHIPPO and, somehow, they weigh the SAME. The CROWD storms off with KIKYO to go BURN HER. KAGOME laughs DIABOLICALLY and the AUTHORESS SMILES because now ALL IS RIGHT in the WORLD. Or so it seems...
SANGO
Who are you, wise, one, who
knows much in the ways of science?
INUYASHA
I am Inuyasha, Lord of the Demons,
Humans, and Hanyous!
SANGO
My leige!
INUYASHA
Tell me, good sir--er, MADAM knight,
would you be interested in joining
me in my court at Camelot?
SANGO
I would be honored!!
INUYASHA
(takes out his sword)
Then I dub you Sir--er Madam...umm...
What was you name?
KAGOME, SHIPPO, AND SANGO
(facefault)
SANGO
Sango, my lord.
INUYASHA
Then I dub you SIR Sango!
A Knight of the Round Table!
SANGO
But I'm a girl!
INUYASHA
Just pretend that you're not.
SANGO
(shrugs)
Whatever. But you called
me Madam twice before so-
Suddenly, the MOOSE from BEFORE drops from the SKY again
MOOSE
From now on, we shall call her Sir/Madam Sango,
and NOTHING else!!!
EVERYONE
(nods)
MOOSE
Allrighty then!
(evaporates)
NARRATOR
The wise Sir/Madam Sango was the first to join King Inuyasha's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow. Sir Sesshomaru the Brave and Allmightily Good Looking (^_^''), Sir Miroku the "Pure", and Sir Kouga the Not-Quite-So- -Brave-Or-Almightily-Good-Looking-As-Sir-Sesshomaru, who had nearly fought the Gerbil Demon of the Forest, nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill. And let's not forget the aptly named Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Script. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries (or maybe the decades...): the Knights of the Round Table.