Inuyasha and the Holy Tama
By ArtikGato
Part One:
A. Swallows can't carry coconuts!
B. Bring out your dead!
C. "Dennis"
FADE IN
EXT. A FIELD WITH A CASTLE AND STUFF
(INUYASHA, wearing RED ARMOR, rides up over the hill...except that he isn't really riding, he's just ACTING like he's riding. KAGOME 'rides' beside him, and behind them SHIPPO trots around, banging TWO EMPTY HALVES of COCONUTS together. The trio rides up to the GATES of the CASTLE. Two GUARDS are at the top of the castle: MISTRESS CENTIPEDE and DEMON HAIR YURA.)
MISTRESS CENTIPEDE
Halt, who goes there?!
INUYASHA
It is I, Inuyasha, from the far South, king of the Hanyous,
defeater of a lot of demons, and ruler of
the entire Sengoku Jidai!
MISTRESS CENTIPEDE
You don't look like a king...
INUYASHA
Er...I'm not, really...anyway, this is my bride, the
fair maiden Kagome, Lady of the Well,
and this is my trusty servant, Patsy
SHIPPO
SHIPPO!!! My name is SHIPPO!!
INUYASHA
(ignoring him)
We have ridden the length and breadth of the land
in search of valiant youkai to join us
in our court at Camelot!
MISTRESS CENTIPEDE
You mean you rode on a horse?
INUYASHA
Yes, as you can see, my colleagues and
I have valiant steeds, which we-
MISTRESS CENTIPEDE
You're using coconuts!
INUYASHA
What?
MISTRESS CENTIPEDE
You've got two empty halves of coconuts and
you're banging 'em together!
INUYASHA
I'm afraid I'm not following you. You see, we have
ridden since the snows of winter covered
this land, through the land of China, through-
MISTRESS CENTIPEDE
Where'd you get the coconuts?
INUYASHA
We found them.
MISTRESS CENTIPEDE
Found them? Where? This is Japan, fool!
The coconut's tropical!
INUYASHA
What?
MISTRESS CENTIPEDE
This is a temperate climate zone, you see.
INUYASHA
The swallow may fly south with the sun
or the bluebird or the plover may
seek warmer climates in winter,
yet these are not strangers to our land?
MISTRESS CENTIPEDE
What the hell are you saying?!
That coconuts should migrate?!
INUYASHA
No no no, they should be carried!
MISTRESS CENTIPEDE
Swallows can't carry coconuts!
INUYASHA
It could carry it by the husk!
MISTRESS CENTIPEDE
It's not a question of where it grips it!
It's a simple question of weight ratios!
A five-ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut!!
INUYASHA
Oh, it doesn't matter anyway!!
Will you please go and tell your master that
Inuyasha of Camelot is here!
MISTRESS CENTIPEDE
Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity,
a swallow needs to beat it's wings forty-three
times every second, right?
INUYASHA
Please!
MISTRESS CENTIPEDE
Am I right?
INUYASHA
I don't care whether a stupid swallow
can carry a coconut!!
DEMON HAIR YURA
But an African swallow could carry it!
MISTRESS CENTIPEDE
Oh, of course an AFRICAN swallow could,
but a EUROPEAN swallow most certainly could not.
That's what I'm trying to get through to this guy.
DEMON HAIR YURA
Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
INUYASHA
Hey! Are you going to ask him or not?!
MISTRESS CENTIPEDE
But, wait a minute, African swallows
are non-migratory.
DEMON HAIR YURA
Oh, yeah.
MISTRESS CENTIPEDE
So they couldn't bring a coconut here,
anyway.
INUYASHA
Argh! I give up! Come on, Kagome,
Patsy, let's go!
SHIPPO
My name is SHIPPO!!
INUYASHA, KAGOME, and SHIPPO ride away.
DEMON HAIR YURA
Wait, what if two swallows carried
it together?
MISTRESS CENTIPEDE
What, an African swallow
or a European one?
DEMON HAIR YURA
European.
MISTRESS CENTIPEDE
Well in that case, they'd have
to carry it on a line.
DEMON HAIR YURA
They could carry it on a
strand of creeper.
MISTRESS CENTIPEDE
That's absurd! Where would they put the
ends, under their dorsal feathers?
DEMON HAIR YURA
Why not?
FADE IN:
EXT. AN OLD-STYLE RENAISSANCE VILLAGE.
(A person is dragging a cart through town, piled with dead demons and humans. Other living humans and demons are waiting to sell their dead to the cartmaster)
CARTMASTER
BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!!
(Whacks a BELL with a LARGE STICK)
BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!!
(Repeats)
BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!!!
KOHAKU
What are you gonna do with 'em?
CARTMASTER
We bury them. For sanitary purposes.
KOHAKU
All right then. How much will you pay for him?
(motions to what appears to be a dead centaur demon)
CARTMASTER
Ten pounds, I suppose.
KOHAKU
TEN POUNDS?!
At the loud cry, the 'dead' centaur demon suddenly wakes up.
CENTAUR DEMON
Who are you?
KOHAKU
Oh crud...
CARTMASTER
Is he still alive?
KOHAKU
Umm...oh! No! He's not!!
(Frantically trying to keep the centaur demon from talking)
CENTAUR DEMON
I'm not dead yet!
CARTMASTER
Eh?
KOHAKU
What? Oh! That must be the wind...
CENTAUR DEMON
I'm not dead yet, I tell ya!
CARTMASTER
He says he's not dead!
KOHAKU
He is, I swear!!
CENTAUR DEMON
No I'm NOT!
CARTMASTER
Are you SURE?!
KOHAKU
Well...he'll die soon. He's very sick
and OLD and stuff!
CENTAUR DEMON
I'm getting better!!
KOHAKU
Yeah right, you'll drop dead
in a minute or two!
CARTMASTER
Well, I'm sorry sir, but I can't
take them if they're alive.
KOHAKU
Please?
CENTAUR DEMON
I feel happy!!
CARTMASTER
I'm sorry, but I can't.
KOHAKU
Isn't there something you can do?
CENTAUR DEMON
I think I'll go for a walk!
CARTMASTER
No, I'm very sorry.
CENTAUR DEMON
I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts-
CARTMASTER
(Finally annoyed; hits the Centaur Demon on the head)
CENTAUR DEMON
(dies)
CARTMASTER
(puts the dead centaur demon on the cart)
KOHAKU
Thank you!!
CARTMASTER
Don't mention it.
KOHAKU
Whatever.
INUYASHA, KAGOME, and SHIPPO ride by.
KAGOME
Eeew! Inuyasha, did we have to come this way?!
There are dead people all over!
INUYASHA
No, we didn't I just wanted to see your reaction.
KOHAKU
Now who do you suppose they are?
CARTMASTER
Maybe he's a king?
KOHAKU
Why do you say that?
CARTMASTER
He hasn't got shit all over him.
FADE IN
EXT. A LARGE FIELD WITH A CASTLE AND STUFF
(INUYASHA, KAGOME, and SHIPPO ride through the field toward who appears to be KAEDE-BABA. INUYASHA rides up to 'her'.)
INUYASHA
Excuse me, old woman!
NARAKU
I'm not a woman!
KAGOME AND SHIPPO
Coulda fooled me...
NARAKU
...and I'm not old!!
INUYASHA
Well...could you tell me who-
NARAKU
I'm twenty-seven!
INUYASHA
What does that have to do with anything?
NARAKU
You said I was an old woman when
in fact I'm a young male demon!
KAGOME
That's debatable...
INUYASHA
I can't just call you "young male demon".
NARAKU
You could call me Dennis.
INUYASHA
Why not Naraku?
NARAKU
Who's Naraku?
INUYASHA
Aren't you?
NARAKU
No, I'm Dennis.
INUYASHA
Umm...whatever. Look, I'm sorry about the
old woman thing, but from the back you looked like-
DENNIS
I object to the fact that you automatically
treat me like an inferior!
INUYASHA
But I'm a king!
DENNIS
(irritated)
Oh, well, that's nice, very nice.
And HOW d'you get to be king?
By exploiting the workers, that's what!
By keeping to moronic outdated imperialist
dogma like taboo which perpetuates
the economic and social differences in our society.
If there's ever going to be any progress
with the bloody government-
KAEDE-BABA walks up
KAEDE-BABA
Oh, Dennis, shut up.
(notices Inuyasha)
Oh, hello there. I didn't notice you.
How are you?
INUYASHA
Good day, ma'am. I am Inuyasha, king of the Hanyous!
Would you happen to know who lives in that castle?
KAEDE-BABA
King of the who?
INUYASHA
The hanyous. In other words,
I'm king of both humans and demons.
KAEDE-BABA
What in the world are you talking about?
INUYASHA
Truthfully, I'm not really sure.
Anyway, could you please tell me
who lives in that castle over there?
KAEDE-BABA
No one lives there.
We're an autonomous collective.
INUYASHA
A what?
DENNIS
Oh come on, Kaede, you know that's not true.
We're living in a dictatorship.
A self-perpetuating autocracy
in which the working classes-
KAEDE-BABA
Oh, there you go bringing class into it again!
DENNIS
That's what it's all about! If only
people would hear about-
INUYASHA
Please, I need to hurry.
Who lives in that castle?!
KAEDE-BABA
No one lives there, silly!
INUYASHA
Then who is your lord?
KAEDE-BABA
A lord? Who needs one?
INUYASHA
What are you talking about?!
DENNIS
How many times do I have to tell you?
We're an anarcho-syndicalist community.
We take it in turns to act as executive officers for a week.
INUYASHA
Huh. That's confusing.
DENNIS
But all the decision of that officer have to
be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting..
INUYASHA
(irritated)
Is that so?
DENNIS
...by a simple majority in the case of authority...
INUYASHA
Shut up.
DENNIS
But a two-thirds majority in the case of major-
INUYASHA
Shut up, already! I order you to be quiet!
KAEDE-BABA
You ORDER us?! Who do you think you are?!
INUYASHA
Your king, that's who!! I'm your king, I swear it!
KAEDE-BABA
Oh, I see. No wonder I didn't vote for you.
INUYASHA
Wha? Who ever heard of VOTING for a king?!
KAEDE-BABA
How did you become king, then?
INUYASHA
(points at Kagome)
My fair bride, the Lady of the Well, broke me
from a spell that had bound me to a tree for fifty years.
Then, she pulled the legendary Tetsusaiga from
it's resting place and gave it to me, symbolizing that I,
Inuyasha, was to be king of hanyous, humans, and demons.
KAGOME
(blushes)
DENNIS
Listen, strange girls coming out of wells and
handing out swords is no basis for a system of government!
Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from
the masses, not from some freakish awakening ceremony.
INUYASHA AND KAGOME
Shut up!
DENNIS
You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just
'cause some strange woman threw a weapon at you!
INUYASHA, KAGOME, AND SHIPPO
Will you SHUT UP already?!
DENNIS
I mean, if I went around saying that I was the emperor
just because some crazy bitch emerged from a well
and chucked a hunk of metal at me,
they'd throw me in the loony bin!
INUYASHA
(unsheathes the TETSUSAIGA and powers it up and threatens DENNIS with it)
SHUT UP ALREADY!!! SHUT UP!!
DENNIS
Ah, now I see the violence inherent in the system!
INUYASHA
Shut up!!
DENNIS
Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
Oh, someone save me, save me!!
Help help, I'm be oppressed!
INUYASHA
Stupid peasant.
(turns to KAGOME and SHIPPO)
Come on, let's go!
They ride away
DENNIS
Oh, what a give-away! Did you hear that?
Did you! Did you see him oppressing me?
That's what I'm going on about!
You saw it, didn't you?
KAEDE-BABA
Oh, shut up!