Inuyasha and the Holy Tama
By ArtikGato
Part Three
F. The Knights of the Round Table and God
G. The Trojan Chipmunk
H. One Head is Better than Three!
NARRATOR
The wise Sir/Madam Sango was the first to join King Inuyasha's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow. Sir Sesshomaru the Brave and Allmightily Good Looking (^_^''), Sir Miroku the "Pure", and Sir Kouga the Not-Quite-So- -Brave-Or-Almightily-Good-Looking-As-Sir-Sesshomaru, who had nearly fought the Gerbil Demon of the Forest, nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill. And let's not forget the aptly named Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Script. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries (or maybe the decades...): the Knights of the Round Table.
FADE IN
EXT. A FIELD WITH A CASTLE AND STUFF
AUDIENCE
What the heck? This is the third time
they've used this scenery!!
(INUYASHA, KAGOME, SHIPPO, SANGO, MIROKU, SESSHOMARU, KOUGA, and AN ASSORTMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE WHO ARE BANGING COCONUT HALVES TOGETHER are riding along in a field. There is a LARGE CASTLE just up ahead but NO-ONE seems to NOTICE it.)
SANGO
...and that is why the world is shaped like a pumpkin!
INUYASHA
Er...interesting. Now, tell me,
is it true that you can use
the wings of two swallows to purify water?
SANGO
As far as I know, yes!
INUYASHA
Splendid!
KAGOME
Wow, what's that up ahead?!
INUYASHA
Why, it's Camelot!
SESSHOMARU
Camelot!
MIROKU
Camelot!
KOUGA
Camelot!
SHIPPO
It's only a model, you know-
INUYASHA
Shut up, Patsy!
(Conks SHIPPO on the HEAD with a STICK)
SHIPPO
My name is SHIPPO for the
ONE THOUSANDTH TIME!!
INUYASHA
(ignores him)
Come on, Knights!
Let us ride to...Camelot!!
Inside the castle, however...
An assortment of KNIGHTS dance around like FOOLS. Random MUSIC plays in the BACKGROUND and the KNIGHTS start their SONG
We're Knights of the Round Table!
We dance when 'ere we're able!
We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impeccable!
We eat well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot!
{Musical interlude}
We're Knights of the Round Table!
Our shows are for-mi-dable!
But many times we're given rhymes that are quite unsingable!
We're opera mad here in Camelot
We sing from the diaphram a lot!
{Longer MUSICAL INTERLUDE in which a GUY beats on the HELMETS of some KNIGHTS, a PRISONER that is chained to a WALL claps, and many KNIGHTS in what appear to be APRONS do the CAN-CAN on the TABLES}
In war we're tough and able!
Quite indefagitable!
Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable!
It's a busy life here in Camelot...
(one lone guy with a deep voice) : I have to push the pram a lot!
Music concludes with the DANCING and other such RANDOM STUFF. And now back to our heroes!
INUYASHA
No, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot.
'Tis a silly place.
SANGO, SESSHOMARU, MIROKU, AND KOUGA
Right, right.
Some time later, in the SAME FIELD
INUYASHA
Is that right? I always thought
that mooses were herbivores-
In a CLOUD above, GOD appears
GOD
Inuyasha!! King of the Hanyous!!
INUYASHA
My Lord!!
EVERYONE kneels before GOD
GOD
Oh, stop it. Don't do that!
INUYASHA
I'm sorry my Lord. Please forgive me!
GOD
And don't do that either!!
Every time I talk to someone it's always
"Oh, please forgive me!" or "I'm not worthy!"
I'm getting tired of that crap...
oh good grief! What are you doing NOW?!
INUYASHA
I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord!
GOD
Well, stop that too!
Just like those stupid Psalms...pfft.
INUYASHA
(nods fervently)
GOD
Now that we've got all THAT straightened out...
Inuyasha, King of the Hanyous, Humans and Demons!
You and your knights shall have a task set apon
you to distinquish yourself from other
knights in these dark times...was that dramatic?
INUYASHA
Umm...yes!
GOD
Good! Because I practiced that
for a long time! Now...behold!!
In the place of GOD a CUP LIKE THING appears and it's all GLOWY.
INUYASHA
Umm...whatzat?
GOD
It's the Holy Grail!
INUYASHA
But the title of this thing is
'Inuyasha and the Holy TAMA'.
GOD
What? Oh, fine!!
In the place of the HOLY GRAIL a GLOWING ORB LIKE THING appears.
INUYASHA
(gasps)
It is the Holy Tama!
GOD
Yes!! It is your job to seek out this G- er, Tama!!
MIROKU
What if we don't?
GOD
It sucks to be you.
The CLOUDS shut like CURTAINS and GOD disappears.
KOUGA
It is a blessing from the Lord!
SESSHOMARU
No kidding?! Wow, I SURE couldn't
have figured that out all on my own!
KOUGA
Shut up!
SESSHOMARU
I don't have to!
KOUGA
I'm a wolf demon and wolves
are superior to dogs!!
SESSHOMARU
The authoress likes me BETTER! So HA!!
KOUGA
(pouts)
Suddenly, a HUGE SIGN that says 'THE QUEST FOR THE HOLY TAMA' drops on KOUGA's HEAD...but he doesn't die. Oh well...
FADE IN
EXT. A FIELD WITH A CASTLE AND STUFF
AUDIENCE
AGAIN?! Low budget crap!!
(OUR HEROES, consisting of INUYASHA, KAGOME, SHIPPO, SANGO, MIROKU, SESSHOMARU and KOUGA, ride up to the gates of a RATHER TALL CASTLE. There are GUARDS standing on TOP of it, and they have FRENCH ACCENTS for NO APPARENT REASON)
NARAKU
Allo! Ooo ees it?
INUYASHA
It is I, Inuyasha, Lord of the Hanyous,
Humans and Demons. And these are the Knights
of the Round Table. Who lives in this castle?
NARAKU
Eet belongs to master Guy De Coatl!
INUYASHA
Go and tell your master that we have been
sent on a quest by God, and that he may
join us if he gives us food and shelter for the night!
NARAKU
What kind of quest?
INUYASHA
We are on a quest to find the Holy Tama!
NARAKU
Oh, that! He already has one.
INUYASHA
What?!
Up with Naraku...
NARAKU
(turns to his fellow French Guards-people)
I told them he already has one!
OTHER GUARDS
(laugh their butts off)
Back with Inuyasha...
INUYASHA
Well...can we come up and have a look, then?
NARAKU
Of course not!! I know you Hanyou types a!
INUYASHA
Well...what are you, then?
NARAKU
I'm French, you stupid! Why else would
I have theees outrageous accent?!
INUYASHA
Aren't you a demon named Naraku?
NARAKU
Who's Naraku?
INUYASHA
Then are you called Dennis?
NARAKU
No, my name is Jean-Claude, if you must know!
INUYASHA
(scratches head)
Oh, whatever!! Look, if you won't show us the
Holy Tama then we'll just have to
take your castle by force!
NARAKU
You can't frighten us, stupid humans and demons!
Go and boil your head, eeediot! I blow my nose at you,
you so called 'Ee noo yah shah'
and your stupid human and demon ku-ni-guts!
MIROKU
What a queer person.
INUYASHA
Now see here--
NARAKU
I'm not gonna talk to you anymore,
you silly-brained sniffer of other people's butts!
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
Go away or I weeel taunt you a second time a!
INUYASHA
Now, come on, I'm trying to be reasonable!
Back up with Naraku
NARAKU
(turns to his other French guard-peoples)
Fetchez le vache.
GUARDS
Quoi?
NARAKU
Fetchez le vache!
GUARDS
Oui, oui!
Back down with Inuyasha
INUYASHA
Come on now, I've had
quite enough of this--huh?!
NARAKU laughs INSANELY as the other GUARDS launch a HUGE COW over the side of the CASTLE at INUYASHA and the KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE. The KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE run for their LIVES.
KOUGA
Run AWAY!!!
EVERYONE ELSE
RUN AWAAAAAAY!!!
They run into the FOREST by the CASTLE as the FRENCH GUARDS laugh their STUPID FRENCH BUTTS off.
Later on
SANGO
My leige, I think I have a plan.
INUYASHA
Is that so...?
Even LATER on
NARAKU
J'aime les arbres. Tu?
GUARDS
Tu est fou.
NARAKU
QUOI?!
Suddenly, sounds of HAMMERING, SAWING, and POWER TOOLS come from the FOREST. The GUARDS and NARAKU look at eachother and SHRUG. While they are distracted, INUYASHA and the KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE push a GIANT WOODEN CHIPMUNK up to the castle, and then run back into the FOREST.
INUYASHA
Well, Sango, what happens now?
SANGO
We wait until night fall, and then Sesshomaru,
Miroku and I will jump out of the chipmunk,
taking the French not only by suprize but totally unarmed!
INUYASHA
Who'll jump out of the chipmunk?
SANGO
(points)
Sesshomaru, Miroku, and I...oh. Whoops!
EVERYONE
(hits themselves on the head)
KOUGA
LOOK OUT!!
EVERYONE turns to look, only to see NARAKU again laughing his ASS off as the other GUARDS launch the GIANT WOODEN CHIPMUNK at the KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE. They again run for their LIVES.
EVERYONE
RUN AWAY!!! RUN AWAY!!
FADE IN.
EXT. A FOREST WITH A NICE LITTLE PATH DOWN THE MIDDLE
(A RANDOM GUY wearing the ABSOLUTE DORKIEST CLOTHES IN THE WORLD is standing in the middle of the path with a MICROPHONE, being filmed for NO REASON)
RANDOM GUY
Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened Inuyasha. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise, and Inuyasha became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Tama were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Inuyasha, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Tama individually.
Suddenly, a RANDOM KNIGHT rides by and SLICES off the RANDOM GUY's HEAD. The RANDOM GUY dies.
WIFE OF THE RANDOM GUY
(runs up tearfully)
BRUCE!!
FADE IN
EXT. A FOREST WITH A CLEARING IN THE MIDDLE AND A PATH
(Sir Kouga and a couple of his wolf-ish friends ride along through the forest)
NARRATOR
Each of the knights have gone their separate ways. Sir Kouga has decided to ride north, accompanied by an annoying minstrel...
MINSTREL
(singing)
Bravely bold, Sir Kouga rode forth from Camelot! He was not afraid to die, brave Sir Kouga!! He was not even the slightest bit afraid to be killed in many nasty ways! Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Kouga! He was not the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, or his elbows broken! He was not at all afraid to have his kneecaps split, his limbs all hacked and mangled, or to have his bones crushed into dust! Brave, brave Sir Kouga!!
KOUGA
Uhm...I think that's enough music
for now, thank you.
DENNIS and KAEDE-BABA walk by
DENNIS
But anarcho-synchrony is a way of preserving freedom!
KAEDE-BABA
Oh, forget about freedom!
SIR KOUGA and his MINSTREL ride a little FURTHER.
There is a Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon blocking their path. *Heh, a little Yu-Gi-Oh! reference here...* Each head can speak separately or they can speak all at once
BLUE EYES ULTIMATE DRAGON
HALT!! Who goes there?!
MINSTREL
He is brave Sir Kouga, brave Sir Kou-
KOUGA
QUIET!!
(turns to the Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon)
Uhm...no-one really! Heh heh...
BLUE EYES ULTIMATE DRAGON
What do you want?
MINSTREL
To fight and-
KOUGA
SHUT UP!
(turns to the Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon)
Umm...I j-just want to p-pass
through, that's all. Really.
BLUE EYES ULTIMATE DRAGON
I don't think so!
KOUGA
Really? Uh, you see, I'm a
K-knight of the Round T-t-table and-
LEFT HEAD
Then I must kill you!!
RIGHT HEAD
Why can't I do it?
MIDDLE HEAD
I don't think either of you should.
RIGHT HEAD
Does it matter what YOU think?
LEFT HEAD
It matters what I think,
and I think we kill him!
MIDDLE HEAD
Let's just be nice to him, for once!
Every time there's a traveler in this forest it's always 'kill him'
and 'burn him alive' and 'let's make a stew out of him'!
RIGHT HEAD
Shut up! Who asked for YOUR opinion?!
KOUGA
Maybe I should just-
LEFT HEAD
Oh, yeah, you. Hurry up and get the bloody sword out,
I want to chop his head off!
RIGHT HEAD
Go chop your OWN head off, you big bully!
MIDDLE HEAD
Yes, do us all a favor!
LEFT HEAD
What?
RIGHT HEAD
What do you mean, 'what'?
You're always 'kill', 'maim', 'destroy'!
MIDDLE HEAD
Oh, you're lucky! You're not next to him!
LEFT HEAD
What the hell do you mean?!
MIDDLE HEAD
You snore every single night!
LEFT HEAD
At least I'm not the one with bad breath!
MIDDLE HEAD
That's because you don't brush my teeth!
KOUGA and his MINSTREL sneak away quietly.
RIGHT HEAD
Oh, stop whining and let's go have tea.
LEFT HEAD
Oh, all right. We'll kill him
and then have tea and biscuits.
MIDDLE HEAD
But no biscuits!
LEFT HEAD
Fine, no biscuits.
But let's kill him anyway.
BLUE EYES ULTIMATE DRAGON
Right!
(they turn to look at the spot where Kouga was, but he is long gone)
Where'd the bugger go?!
Deeper in the forest
MINSTREL
(singing)
Brave Sir Kouga ran away!
KOUGA
No!
MINSTREL
(singing)
He bravely ran away! Away!
KOUGA
I didn't!
MINSTREL
(still singing)
When danger reared it's ugly head he
bravely turned his tail and fled!
KOUGA
You've got it all wrong!
MINSTREL
(still singing)
Yes, brave Sir Kouga turned about...
KOUGA
I swear I didn't!
MINSTREL
(still singing)
...and gallantly he chickened out,
taking to his feet...
KOUGA
I never did!
MINSTREL
(still singing)
...and bore a very brave retreat!!
KOUGA
All lies!!
MINSTREL
(still singing)
Bravest of the brave, Sir Kouga!!
KOUGA
I never!!
NOTE:
In "The Trojan Chipmunk", there was some French spoken. Here's the translation!:
FRENCH ENGLISH
Fetchez le vache. Get the cow.
Quoi? Huh?
J'aime les arbres. Tu? I like trees. You?
Tu es fou. You are crazy.
QUOI?! WHAT?!