Inuyasha and the Holy Tama
By ArtikGato
Part Four
I. The Castle Cholera
H. Scene Twenty-Four
FADE IN
EXT. A FIELD WITH A CASTLE AND STUFF
AUDIENCE
Argh!! Not again! ...
No, hold in, it's DARK and raining now!!
(SIR MIROKU trudges alone through the RAIN and THUNDER in the FIELD)
NARRATOR
Sir Miroku rode to the east, where he happened upon this small castle. However, in the sky above the castle, a picture of the Holy Tama appears.
MIROKU
Gods above!!
(runs to the door of the castle and pounds on the door)
Open the door!! Open the door!!
In the name of King Inuyasha open the door!!
The DOOR opens and MIROKU falls inside CLUMSILY. He looks around and doesn't see ANYONE, but then a HEAVENLY voice greets him.
RANDOM HEAVENLY VOICE
Hello. Who might you be,
that has stumbled apon our castle?
SIR MIROKU looks up and sees SANGO dressed in REALLY REALLY SKIMPY CLOTHING, and behind her are about twenty more WOMEN IN SKIMPY CLOTHING. He recognizes one as KAGOME, and another as KIKYO.
MIROKU
...Sango?
SANGO
Excuse me?
MIROKU
What's gotten into you, Sango?
Why are you wearing such...revealing clothing?
Not that I mind, but-
SANGO
It appears that you know someone who looks like me,
but I am not this 'Sango' person whom you speak of.
My name is Desiré.
MIROKU
Uhm...right. Anyway, where am I?
DESIRÉ
You are in the Castle Cholera.
MIROKU
Castle...Cholera?
DESIRÉ
Quite. Not a very good name, is it?
Oh, but we are gentle and we are
willing to attend to your every need.
MIROKU
(blushes)
Umm, yes...well...are you
the keepers of the Holy Tama?
DESIRÉ
The what?
MIROKU
The Holy Tama!!
I saw it in the skies above this very castle!!
DESIRÉ
Oh my! You must be delirous!
You need some rest! Kagome! Kikyo!!
KAGOME AND KIKYO
(walk up)
Yes Miss Desiré?
DESIRÉ
Prepare a bed for our guest!
KAGOME AND KIKYO
Yes oh Desiré!
(they run off down a hall)
MIROKU
Uhm...that's great, but I'm not tired just now.
Could I maybe have a tour of your lovely castle?
DESIRÉ
No, no, you need rest.
The beds here are warm, soft and very, very big.
(winks seductively at him)
MIROKU
(on the verge of passing out)
Look, just show me the stupid Tama!
DESIRÉ
(ignoring what he said)
Oh, our life must seem very dull and boring compared to yours. We are but eight score young ladies, all between the ages sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oh yes, it's a lonely life...bathing, dressing, undressing, knitting exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome, strong, muscular, sexy knights.
They reach a bed.
DESIRÉ
Come, w- er, you may lie here.
(forces him to sit down on the bed)
Oh! But you are wounded!
(gestures to a wound that is on the inside of one of his thighs)
MIROKU
Ummm...that's an old wound!! No need to treat it...heh...
DESIRÉ
Nonsense!
(claps her hands and Kagome and Kikyo walk up)
Doctors! See to this man immediately!
MIROKU
They're doctors?!
DESIRÉ
Well...they have a basic medical training...
MIROKU tries to leave, but DESIRÉ forces him to stay on the bed.
MIROKU
I'm fine! Really!
DESIRÉ leaves.
MIROKU
Wait! I have seen the Tama!
It is here in this castle!
KAGOME
(giggles)
There aren't any Tamas here, silly!
MIROKU
But...but...
KAGOME
You need some rest.
MIROKU
But... oh, screw it! I gotta get laid!!
(stands up, just as Desiré walks in)
Oh! There you are, Desiré!
DESIRÉ
I'm not Desiré, I'm her twin sister, Zut.
But around here everyone calls me Dingo.
(winks at him)
MIROKU
Whatever. You look like Sango and that's all that matters!
(grabs her and kisses her passionately)
Suddenly, the HUGE MOOSE from before drops from the CEILING and lands right behind MIROKU, who seemingly doesn't notice. The MOOSE, looking rather mad, FORCEFULLY tears MIROKU away from DINGO. DINGO looks like she is about to CUSS, and MIROKU looks like he is about to CRY.
MIROKU
Oh, come on you stupid moose!!
This might be the only chance I have
to get someone to bear my child!
MOOSE
But that's not in the script!!
We're trying to keep this thing PG-13, ya know!
MIROKU
Damn!! All right. I'll go by the stupid script!
(turns to Dingo)
(whispering)
Meet me back stage after the show.
DINGO nods, and the MOOSE, satisfied with a JOB WELL DONE, EVAPORATES into NOTHINGNESS.
MIROKU
Dingo, I have seen the Holy Tama in this castle!!
I've seen it, I swear!
DINGO
(gasps)
Oh no! Bad Desiré!
MIROKU
What's wrong?
DINGO
Oh, bad, naughty, evil Desiré!
She has been setting alight our beacon which,
I just remembered, is shaped like a Tama.
It's not the first time we've had this problem!
MIROKU
So...it's not the real Tama?!
DINGO
Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Desiré!
I think this scene is turning out well, don't you?
I'm so glad that the authoress decided not the cut this out,
like she was originally planning to do!
Switch to the previous scene in the FOREST.
BLUE EYES ULTIMATE DRAGON
Well, ours was better visually!
Switch to the, um, third scene.
DENNIS
Well, at least ours was committed!
It wasn't just a string of pussy jokes!
Switch to field with a large hill.
ARMY OF KNIGHTS WITH SPEARS AND STUFF
GET ON WITH IT!!
And now back to the Castle Cholera!
DINGO
Okay, okay! Oh, evil, bad, wicked Desiré!
Oh, she is a naughty person, and she must pay the penalty!
And here in Castle Cholera we have but
one punishment for setting alight the Tama-shaped beacon...
you must tie her to a bed and spank her.
MIROKU
What?!
RANDOM LADIES
A spanking! A spanking!
DINGO
And after you spank her you must spank me.
KAGOME
And me!
KIKYO
And me!
MIROKU
(looks at Kikyo)
NO!!
DINGO
Okay, not Kikyo. But you
must spank Desiré, me, and Kagome.
MIROKU
Really now? Well...I guess I could stay a bit longer-
Suddenly, Sesshomaru bursts through the crowd of ladies.
SESSHOMARU
Sir Miroku! What are you doing?!
MIROKU
Hm? Oh! Hello there!
SESSHOMARU
Quick! We must escape!
You are in great peril!
MIROKU
No I'm not!!
SESSHOMARU
Oh yes you are!!
DINGO
Well if he's in such great peril then why are YOU here?!
You ruined the scene!
SESSHOMARU
Silence foul temptress! Let's go!
MIROKU
NO! I WANNA STAY!!!
SESSHOMARU
If you don't come with me that
moose will drop from the ceiling again...
MIROKU
Aww!! All right!!
DINGO
No! Please stay with us Sir Miroku!
I will bear your child!!
OTHER LADIES
And so will I!!
MIROKU
(in a trance)
Really? Well-
SESSHOMARU
Argh!! Come on!!
(drags Miroku out of the castle, with the ladies running after them)
DINGO
No! Wait! He can handle us all single handedly!
LADIES
Yes! Let him handle us all single handedly!
MIROKU
Honestly, Sesshomaru!! Let me handle them!
They haven't got a chance!
DINGO
Yes! We haven't got a chance!! He'll beat us easily!
LADIES
We haven't got a chance!! We haven't got a chance!!
SESSHOMARU
Oh good grief!!
They dash out of the door of the castle, leaving the crowd of ladies at the door.
DINGO
Oh...shit!
Outside
SESSHOMARU
Thank God I got there in the nick of time!
You were in terrible danger!
MIROKU
I don't think I was.
SESSHOMARU
Yes you were, you were
in a great deal of peril.
MIROKU
Well, let me go back and face the peril.
SESSHOMARU
No no, it's too perilous.
MIROKU
Look, it's my duty as a knight to
sample as much peril as I can!
SESSHOMARU
No, we've got to find the Holy Tama!
MIROKU
Oh, can't I have just a LITTLE bit of peril?
SESSHOMARU
No, it's unhealty.
MIROKU
I'll bet you're gay!
SESSHOMARU
No I'm not!
MIROKU
Then why the long hair? And the makeup! And the boa?!
SESSHOMARU
The girls think long hair is sexy, this 'makeup'
is demon marks, and this is my TAIL you IMBECILE!
MIROKU
But Kouga is a demon and he doesn't have
weird stripes and moons and eye shadow!
SESSHOMARU
Okay, okay, the moon is not my fault, but I painted
on the stripes because I thought that they looked cool! And
I don't know what you're talking about with the 'eye shadow'.
MIROKU
That red stuff above your eyes!
SESSHOMARU
That? My eyes are always irritated when I'm around humans.
MIROKU
Okay...whatever. But what about the kimono?
SESSHOMARU
This is FIGHTING HAKAMA!! GOOD LORD!!
WHAT'S WITH THE THIRD DEGREE?!
NARRATOR
And so, Sir Sesshomaru had saved Sir Miroku from most certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Holy Tama. Meanwhile, King Inuyasha, Kagome, Shippo, and Sir/Madam Sango, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallows' flights away-four, really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging-
Switch to field with a large hill.
ARMY OF KNIGHTS WITH SPEARS AND STUFF
GET ON WITH IT!!
NARRATOR
Oh, fine! Anyway, on to scene Twenty-Four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which King Inuyasha discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any swallows, though I think you can hear a starling somewhere in the backgr- AIGH!
The NARRATOR is suddenly attacked by a HUGE SNARLING RABID GORRILLA. On with the scene!
FADE IN
EXT. A FIELD WITH A SMALL SHACK IN THE MIDDLE
(INUYASHA, KAGOME, SHIPPO, and SANGO are sitting on the ground inside of the SMALL SHACK around a FIRE. Across from them is KIKYO, who is GIGGLING MADLY. INUYASHA appears to be worried for KIKYO's SANITY, KAGOME is glaring at KIKYO and planning to KILL HER, and SHIPPO and SANGO are acting NORMAL)
INUYASHA
...Kikyo, are you all right?
KIKYO
Hee he ha hee haa heheeheee!!!
SANGO
And this enchanter of whom you speak,
has he seen the Tama?
KIKYO
Ha ha ha hee he ha hee he ahe aha haha aha!
KAGOME
(mumbling)
You will die soon, you giggling bitch...
SANGO
Where does he live?
KIKYO
Yee he he he hee heeee heeaahaha!
SANGO
Dammit, WHERE DOES HE LIVE?!
KIKYO
ha hee he...he knows of a cave, a cave
which no man has entered!
SHIPPO
Finally!
SANGO
Quiet! And the Tama is there?
KIKYO
There is much danger, for beyond the cave
lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril,
which no man has ever crossed!
SANGO
But the Tama! Where is the Tama?
KIKYO
Seek you the Bridge of Death.
SANGO
The Bridge of Death...
which leads to the Tama?!
KIKYO
Eha hee hee haa heahe haaaheehehahehahaheha!!
KIKYO, the SMALL SHACK, and everything else except for the FIRE disappears, and INUYASHA, KAGOME, SHIPPO and SANGO find themselves in the middle of a DEEP DARK CREEPY FOREST.
INUYASHA
KIKYO!!
KAGOME
GET BACK HERE, BITCH!!
SANGO
Well, that was strange.
SHIPPO
Why are we in a forest?
They walk through the FOREST, until they suddenly come apon a group of KNIGHTS, one which was CONSIDERABLY TALLER than the OTHERS.
TALL KNIGHT
NNNNIIII!!!
OTHER KNIGHTS
Nnnniii! Nnnniii!! Nnniii!
INUYASHA
Who are you?
TALL KNIGHT
We are the Knights who say...NNNIII!!
OTHER KNIGHTS
Nnnniii! Nnnniii!! Nnniii!
SANGO
(fearfully)
No!! Not the Knights Who Say NNNIII!!
TALL KNIGHT
The same!
KAGOME
Who are they?
TALL KNIGHT
We are the keepers of the sacred words:
Nnniii, Peng, and Nnnuu-womm!
SANGO
Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
SHIPPO
So how do you know about them?
SANGO
Umm...I'm telepathic.
SHIPPO
Huh?
HEAD KNIGHT
The Knights Who Say Nnnniii demand a sacrifice!
INUYASHA
Oh Knights of Nnniii, we are but simple
travelers who wish to find the enchanter
that lives beyond these woods.
TALL KNIGHT
We don't care! Nnnniii! Nnniii!
OTHER KNIGHTS
Nnnniii! Nnnniii!! Nnniii!
The unending Nnniii's hurt INUYASHA, KAGOME, SHIPPO, and SANGO.
INUYASHA
Ah! Ow! Stop! Please! What do you want?
TALL KNIGHT
We want...a SHRUBBERY!!
KAGOME
(sarcastically)
Oh dear Lord no, not a shrubbery!
TALL KNIGHT
Oh, shut up! Nnniii!
OTHER KNIGHTS
Nnnniii! Nnnniii!! Nnniii!
INUYASHA
All right!! Fine! We'll get you a shrubbery!
TALL KNIGHT
Make sure it's a nice one.
INUYASHA
Right.
TALL KNIGHT
And not to expensive.
INUYASHA
Fine! Come on, let's go find that shrubbery!
They ride off to find a shrubbery.